Jump to content

Really Bad Day


Recommended Posts

I have kept the papers that Rich and I wrote on the last months of his life, that kept track of when and how much he took of what medicine, how much he was eating so I could calculate how many calories he was taking in. He used to weigh himself every day but stopped that when his weight got down to 100#.

Today I picked up the piece of paper that had his food intakes for the last few days before he stopped eating. I knew what was written on that paper, I knew it said April 26 (0) which was the day he stopped eating, but I picked it up anyway, read it, and have been sobbing for the past 2 1/2 hours. I did this to my self. The last bad day I had, about two weeks ago, I did it to my self too. I looked at a photo I had taken of Rich and his best friend, about 5 days before he died. When I took the photo I thought it would be a touching photograph. It is dreadful. Rich was so thin, maybe 85 pounds, and had lost his mind by then. I couldn't believe I had taken a picture of Rich when he looked so bad. At the time I could not see how bad he looked.

So I have these papers, and this photo, and they just tear me up to look at them. Maybe a clear headed person would say, why don't you just throw these papers away? Can I really throw them away? I don't understand why I am keeping them because they obviously cause me stress when I read them. What I think I really want to do is to burn them. Will I later regret it if I dispose of these papers? The photograph is on my computer so I would have to delete it. I really don't know if I should delete any photograph of Rich, no matter how bad he looks.

What would you do?

Beth

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Beth:

I wish I had a good answer for you. I also have had a similiar experience. I requested all the medical records from the cancer center on my husband all 18 months of it and all the volumes it held. I read it all and cried and cried. It is still setting here by my chair. I kept telling myself to rid of them but they are still here. I can not put myself through that again, it was horrific reading it, just like living it again. BUT I think I would like to have a symbolistic burn with them, thinking it might be theraputic to rid of them that way. No more memories of him in that terrible state. Wish you were here, we could have a community burn.

Becky

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Beth

My experience is that you will know when (and if) you are ready to dispose of or delete things you have kept. If you are not sure, then it's probably not the time to do anything with them.

As for bringing this on yourself, again for me, I sometimes have the need to retrace these bad times. At first I thought it was a thing to be avoided. Now, it's been 2 years, it seems that those really hard and emotional times help me to process the pain and somehow afterwards I feel a little stronger.

You can't stop your mind from going there but at least I know that eventually I'll get back to a better place again.

That's what time has done for me - not healed, made it easier or made me forget, but it has just given me the confidence to get through tough times a little easier...Susie Q

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Beth, I would suggest that any decision you make is one that you can always reverse if and when you change your mind. In other words, if you're not sure about tossing something, I would put it in a safe "To be decided later" place, and store it where I wouldn't have to look at it every day. Decisions like this one can wait until you feel strong enough to make them rationally. You will know when you are ready . . .

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Beth, I don't think that looking at those things is "doing it to myself". I think it is natural to look at pictures, records, anything related to the person we loved and lost. I think doing that too often is probably not healthy but otherwise, I just think it is a natural thing to do. I do think putting certain items away so that you have to take a few minutes to think about whether you want to look at them or not is wise and I agree with others, you will know when it is time. I go to Bill's closet and wood working shop and sometimes just stand and stare at those items and then know I am not ready to deal with them so I close the door and walk away. I have no clue when I will be ready....I know I have to do it someday but not yet. I also have his picture on my laptop as a wallpaper and change it periodically...sometimes I cry when I see it and other times I just sit with it remembering our love. Bottom line: we have to just listen to our voices to know what works but not blame ourselves if we do something and it backfires. Mary

Link to comment
Share on other sites

The time isn't right for now. I have Larry's x-rays that show his cancer, I have notes he wrote and myself near the end, not knowing the end was coming. I've kept them. Does it upset me when I look at them, yes. But even at almost 6 yrs. I'm still processing my feelings, my loss, his death. I know there will come a day when I don't need to have them anymore and I will let them go but not yet. Deborah

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!

Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.

Sign In Now
×
×
  • Create New...