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This Might Be The End


Spika

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My boyfriend and I have been having a lot of arguments since my dad died August 5th 2011. At first he was being so sweet and caring, but for the past week I feel like he hasn't cut me a break.

His mom has a brain tumor, his step mom breast cancer, he is having health issues due to smoking, we have financial issues, and our cat is sick. He told me today that for the past week he has been thinking of leaving me. I told him I can't have someone in my life that wants to leave when things get really, really tough. He said fine, he will pack his things when he gets home. Like he doesn't even care. If he doesn't care then why should I stop him? But what will I do? All the debt is in my name, my cat is sick, I can't afford the apartment on my own, and we will have been together for 5 years this October.

We used to fight about leaving each other all the time. But now it feels so much more serious. Do I really want someone who is thinking about leaving me right after my father just died? He is my everything: best friend, confidant, lover. But he doesn’t seem like he wants to fight to keep what we have built in our 5 years together. How can I trust him again?

I don’t know if I can bare to lose him now too. He is a huuuge part of me and my life. I met him when I was 18 and now I’m 23. But he doesn’t understand what I’m going through and he told me he is thinking about leaving, so is it worth it? A part of me says I am better off without all those bad things you accept in a person when you commit to loving and living with them. But another part of me says those good things are something I can’t live without.

I am so lost, sad, confused. I don’t know what I will do.

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I'm kind of hesitant to even say this, because there's a woman at another web site (with a forum) who hates my guts, any time I try to help other people, this annoys her totally, as she misconstrues my actions to mean she thinks I'm being bossy, or trying to act like I own the forum.

But what I'm saying next is meant to be helpful and constructive, not mean, bossy, or nit picky. Here it is:

I think you might get more replies to your post about your problems with your boyfriend if it were in the forum about Relationship problems (it's called "Loss of a Love Relationship" forum)?

Anyway... You're still very young, and you won't necessarily end up marrying, or staying with, a guy you began dating when you were 18.

Maybe all the stress he's been under lately is why he's acting like how he's acting, he's had a lot on his plate lately, and you've also been through a lot.

I can't tell you if you should stay with the guy or not, only you can make that decision.

One thing that helped me was a book I read many years ago when I was dating a guy and didn't know if I should break up with him, and the author said,

"When you want out of the relationship more than you want to stay in it, it's probably time to leave."

Most people are not 100% evil or bad, so yes, your boyfriend is gong to have SOME good traits.

However, if it gets to the point that his one bad quality is something you feel you cannot endure, or it's a deal breaker, then that one negative trait out-weighs his 99 good traits.

So that book I read by a therapist who specializes in relationships suggested that was one criteria you could use to determine if you want to work on the relationship or call it quits.

On the other hand, other experts (about grief) will tell you to refrain from making any major life decisions within the first year after a death, because you're not your normal you, and your decision-making capabilities are not good, since they are clouded by grief.

So you might want to wait at least a year after your father's passing and see how you feel about your BF then, or to see if your BF becomes more sensitive to your needs.

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