The Beginning Of This So Called "new Life".

[pbjb]

It has been quite some time since I've been on here. My Views have definately changed. I know it has only been a little over four months but I'm beginning to see how my first topic (Our existance....or ceasing to exsist) has effected me. The first 2 1/2 mos were practically unbearable. As time moves forward though I believe in so much more. For instance...I feel Jeff with me all the time. I know his spirit is in my heart. I feel him in the way these days have played out. I pray every night to him and god. Because I do believe their spirits are with us. And I thank them for getting me this far and pray for strength every day.

To any one going through this kind of grief, know that there is a light at the end of this dark tunnel. I have close friends and family. But some of us have no one. Don't be afraid to talk things out with whom ever will listen. Or even talk every night to the one you lost. It will be painful at first.....but then you realize that they can hear you and you remember what they would say. I still laugh at myself when I do something that he would have a crazy comment about. That is when the talking started to make me feel better. This site has been wonderful as a healer and though I've not been logged on....I read all of everyones topics everyday in my email updates. I'll pray for all of you and I hope you can find some comfort in knowing (I know, I didn't believe this either)that THINGS WILL GET BETTER IN TIME. I also know that I still have bad days ahead. But, I will get through them. I have to for Jeff. I know he is happy when things go well. Just as all of your loved ones are happy as you have good days.

Thanks to all of you and your posts!

[mfh]

What a lovely and reassuring post. I am so happy for you. We will all make it somehow and be better and stronger as we walk our paths.

Mary

[kayc]

Patty,

Thank you for giving us an update, it is encouraging to hear. Mary just posted a link in "three Unbearable Days" that was very good, I wish I could have read it six years ago, it would have aided my journey...I hope you get a chance to look at it.

[Earl C]

Patty: Many thanks for your post. I'm in my 4th month (3+7 days) now, and I don't share your view that it will get better, but as you indicate in talking to Jeff, I do fully understand that and I talk to Wanda every day, every night. And, yes, when I do something stupid, I laugh with her about it because I know she is laughing. But, when there's something serious to discuss I absolutely know she is listening, and I tell her every day how much I miss her, I say several times through the day as I'm performing chores or even doing some of the many things we enjoyed doing together, I tell her how much I wish she were still here to enjoy with me. I truly believe that having her picture in every room, being able to discuss (mostly one-sided) making a decision, dramatically affect my ability to cope.

I, like you, have family and friends around me. I have a large family, and they usually make sure someone is here at least every other day. Some of them will be here at noon today to watch the football games with me, and they did that when my Wanda was with us. We always made something good to eat for the group, and this time I let a roast cook in the slow-cooker overnight, added some potatoes and carrots, and I'll have some green beans and corn. The problem is we never knew (still don't) how many will make it. When we created the memorial area in our back yard, there were 17 here working on it. My Sister-In-Law (Wife of a slightly younger Brother whom I lost on 4/4/09) came by yesterday and saw the area for the first time and she was amazed at the job the family did. I sent pictures to Wanda's two Sisters and they loved the area too, and it does include an Angel statue they had brought up from the Ozarks for her memorial service.

All the family is wonderful, the Church family is wonderful, neighbors and friends to both of us, it's all great, but nothing can ever take the place of my wonderful partner. I know you have the same feeling, and the magnificent people on this website with us, all sharing the same burden, all know how difficult it is, even with others around, that one special person we shared every bit of our life with is not here, but in spirit.

Keep talking, Patty, and all of you. Together we can make this terrible loneliness just a little less.

Love and hugs to all...Earl C

[Dwaynecg]

Dear Patty,

I am glad to see you back on. You are right, with time, it dose lesson the pain. I believe that a lot has to do with your frame of mind. If you set goals even small one, and are able to reach them. It helps you to handle things differently. Because after all, we all started a new life after our soul mates, our best friend, our lover, our wives, and husbands, have been called into Gods Kingdom before us. My thought process about how I was dealing with Pauline's started changing between the 3-4 month mark. That is when I really started haveing, health problems, from the long term caregiver. Now it is like I had no summer because of my health. I realized I needed to take care of me. All my life I have lived and seen the positive side of things. Except Pauline's MS, it ate her away piece by piece over many years. I could not change that but I could give her all the love and joy in life that I could give. I set myself goals, to become a nurse. I do not dowel on the last part of Pauline's life. I choose to remember the good times and all the good she did in her life. All the people she helped along the way. It lit a fire inside me. The day I saw her face so clearly was her 5 month day she passed. God gave me a gift that day, to show me she is healthy and happy, even the hair color was the same as I had dyed it for her 5 weeks before her passing. The fire inside me was and now is again a roaring blaze. I am so close to the start of my goal, I can taste it. It doesn't mean I still shed tears for her, because I do. Just not as often as the first 3 months. Today after having C-DIFF, UTI, and a spot in my left lung, I was able to go to church, after being to sick to go for 3 weeks. I only started walking on Friday, down to the park, and water front. Staid after service today and tried out for the church choir, and I made it as a tenor. I got home after 2 hours of practice, and I mean the leader put us through all the paces, to see who will be good enough to make it. I slept for 3 hours. This is another goal that I had, and I made it. So all you out there, PLEASE, never give up or give in. You too will make it as you start into your new life. You will never forget your past life, the smell, the voice, the touch, all those things about your loved one, that you fell in love with. They will remain with you forever, until God calls you into HIS KINGDOM.

God Bless

Dwayne

[nats]

PBJB,

Great positive energy here...I also feel much of the same you speak about...I'm moving forward

with Ruth's blessing and when we understand they are still with us things get so much easier...glad

you shared your energy...may you continue to travel on your healing path...

NATS

[pbjb]

Thank you to all of your replys for all the encouragement. Last night (9/11) was very important that I watched the 6 hours of concerts that VH put on for the families of our victoms. I felt Jeff was watching too. It made me feel close to many who are suffering still. All we can do is hope for the best until our time. I'll keep posting. I just needed that time to help heal and get my thoughts together. Everyone have a positive great day!

[pbjb]

Earl...

The pain may stay but as someone posted earlier you can't and I won't let grief take control. Jeff or your wife would not have wanted that. The pain is lessened when I feel him with me in my heart. I still cry but less severely than before. You have to take some comfort in knowing they are in a safe place watching over us. I hope you feel differently later on. We are all here to help with that.

[bea2011]

i really felt uplifted by your post. i lost my husband to a severe stroke on june 16. if it wasn`t for my son and daughter i might not even know my name, but after your post i feel somewhat better and stronger. i thought i was crazy talking to my dead husband but now i know it is normal and maybe even good to do. i need to keep him in my heart we were together for 20 years and thought alike. i miss him terribly. sharon

[bea2011]

hi, today i had a thought. i can`t let my love fo my husband be clouded by grief. my grief is taking up the time i could beloving the memory of my husband.i have put myself on a schedule. bed by 10pm even if i lay there for sometime. up at 7:30am. i find thats the time i`m feeling tears and grief so i let them come. then i promise my self i will try to think of the love we had. i hope this works. i guess it worth a try.my prayers r for allof you. sharon

[nats]

Sharon,

You are on the right path to start the healing and you have the correct attitude, it's very painful I know but we must move on, I had a hard time getting this in the beginning...cry all you need to it's the best healing tool we have, I still cry even as I am in a new relationship and a year and seven months since Ruth joined God, it's something I'll always do I'm sure because I will always miss Ruth but I've learned it's OK...and as I move forward I am truely learning to Love Ruth in a new way, buy taking what we had and building on that, understanding what I learned and all she taught me about Love I am able to cherish Life in a new way and take nothing for granted...may God be with you in the days to come and provide you some peace and comfort....

NATS

[bea2011]

hi, today i felt like i was slipping back into the grief and burden again then, i read my previous thread and it was such a good reminder to love instead of grieve. its so hard to do but i will keep trying. sharon

[ksbeachbum]

Don't feel alone in that arena Sharon. It is a struggle for all of us to stay positive and sometimes the waves of grief and emotion comes on out of nowhere. I had a bad day yesterday, but today feel better. The bad times are now further apart than earlier and that should mean I am progressing forward and not backward and I am sure that is true for you also. You will have bad days, which is normal, we just have to watch that we are not consumed by them. Hang in there my friend, you are doing well.

Peace and Hugs

Becky

[Earl C]

Geat response, Becky, and Sharon, the best to you. I think we all lose track sometimes. My worst days are about every day because I just don't have enough time yet to get over the raw grieving of my best friend.

I'm still going backward, but I know you all tell me it will be a smidgen better as more time passes. I have to realize that all I can do is my best each and every day, and that's what I'm trying to do.

You all are helping me to keep breathing in and breathing out, putting one foot in front of the other. I went to Church yesterday, and so many people were happy to see me making the effort. What they don't realize is that I make the effort every Sunday, but lots of times my Crohn's disease won't let me go even after I get all ready.

I thank all of you for hanging in there and posting encouraging words for all of us.

Earl C

[Cheryl]

Grief is not going to allow you to follow steps and finish. It is like a spiral staircase and you will continue to go around and around sometimes upward and somtimes down. Do not look at your pain as a weakness that needs to be surpressed or changed. It is what it is and you need to feel the pain as a way to get through the pain. Denying yourself the tears, sadness and feelings will only allow the pain to build and eventually will be more difficult to handle. Lean into what ever you are feeling. Sadness, anger, joy, relief, pity,horror, fear, ect... you will need to repeat the emotions over and over and over. Each time it will be weakened just a little and the process of learning to live with your loss begins.

[dave s]

Thanks Cheryl for your recent post, yesterday I felt good, thought ok I can handle this now, felt like I had turned a corner, and had moved 2 steps forward. Today,damn, I have no idea what has set me back 6 steps. I feel horrible, just want to cry all day.Will do some Mike Homework, and am sure I will work through it, just REASSURING to have someone remind me of what this is all about.......Dave