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What's Wrong With Me?


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Hospice was like an angel for us. But I was so stupid. Four years ago Eddie died. He left me. The last four years I must have been in a state of stupidity. Just now, for some reason, the grief is "Kicking In." I wish I would have taken advantage of the counseling offered. Four years have passed & I have lost my house, my pets, my job, my health has sucks, and now I'm beginning to feel. The saddness is deafening. Who am I? Why does nothing excite me? I can't believe how stupid I've been to think I was doing well just because I kept working and didn't end my life during these last four years. I now realize how deeply depressed I truly was. But it's too late now. Everything is gone and I have nothing left to rebuild on.

Why did he leave me?

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Dear Schnibley

You have come to the right place. We are all dealing with loss of spouses or partners. I do know a friend who did not deal with her grief and ten years later she felt the way you do. I am so so sorry. There is hope. You may not have your house and job and pets....that is so sad and I am sorry that all happened. You do have YOU! That is a lot. We are all climbing out of deep holes, grabbing onto branches that then break and we feel like we are starting over again. I lost the love of my life, husband of 25 years, 17 months ago. It is a long road back and you are on that road. We will all support you as you walk it and I hope you can find a grief group around you. Hospice here has one that is free so you might call them and ask what services they have...groups, individual help, make an exception even though it is four years, local churches, local mental health centers. Grief counseling now would be a wise move. Do keep posting here as folks will embrace you and we do understand and we do not judge.

Peace

Mary

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Dear Schnibley,

As Mary said you are in the right place to be. We are all traveling down that road called grief. I lost my true one and only love of 33 years 6 1/2 months ago. It has been the people on here who have help pick me up. The VNA hospice here in my area has meeting every week, they are in 2 different cities in my area. I try to go once a week. It really does help to talk to people who is going through the same thing. So come on here and write out whatever you are feeling, as much as you can. This place has many great people who understands, and can help guide you back into your new life.

God Bless, May he bring peace to your heart and comfort your soul

Dwayne

The Best and Most Beautiful Things in Live, can not be Seen or even Touched. They Must be Felt with the HEART!!!!! Helen Keller

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Thank you for your messages. I am going to try to go to group meetings. Now that the flood gates are opened, I recognize that I need support. Life doesn't stop handing out lemons just because I decided not to drink the lemonade. My grief has begun to snowball with other losses I've pushed down.

I miss Eddie so much. Eddie was adopted and tomorrow is my birth daughter's birthday. He always comforted me and reassured me that I made a loving choice when I placed her. My intellect is much healthier than my emotional being. I need him now and he's not here. I need to discover new ways of mourning.

My oldest brother called today to tell me he has prostate cancer. I guess as long as I am a member of the humanrace, I will experience sadness and loss. My intellect says to be thankful that we have begun to mend our relationship now before it's too late. My heart screams out for this to stop.

I just have to believe that things will get better.

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Schnibley,

Nothing is wrong with you..."I just have to believe that things will get better"...., yes that is true, things could always be worse that's what every single one of us here has a tendacy to forget, including myself...we must take the remainder of our lives and continue on, however we all decide to pursue the future we still have "ourselves" and we must remember that...all of what we "were" revolved around our spouses, now we must focus on what we "are" as ourselves...I pray God will guide you and lead the way to your answers and thoughts, and you will find many answers here as we are all are taking the same journey just different paths...

NATS

If the future seems overwhelming,

remember that it comes one moment at a time.

— Beth Mende Conny

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Dear Schnibley,

You have found a great place to discuss your feelings. It is good you have recognized your needs. Hospice provides a wonderful, free, grief support group. Although in my rural area, they are only offered twice a year :( . It is hard work to go through the grief process. I am actively working on the grief process because I have to get out of this mindset. I need to understand who I am and what I am supposed to do with my future. Please don't hesitate to post any questions you have, and how you are doing.

Beth

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Dear Beth and Schnibley,

Beth, you are so new into you grief, and it is unfortunate that they only have grief support only twice a year. You can change how you process grief. Just after the 3 month date of Pauline's passing I made a concision decision, to look at my own grief different. I found something positive everyday that happens for me and focus on that. Then I would do different things like going for a walk, reading a medical book, that will help me with my nursing classes, I started going back to our church about a month after she passed. Every time I went I cried, which is not a bad thing, it is good to get the emotions out. At that 3+ mark I decided that I was not going to let the grief, consume me, I was going to take control of how, I processed the grief. Then just like out of nowhere, a flame started burning inside me, although I have been faced with many illnesses this whole, summer long and it is not quite over yet. Praise the lord it will all come to an end next week by this time. Now I have a roaring blaze inside me, to do things, like sing in our choir at church, get my classes started as soon as I get the all clear that the C-DIFF is gone next week. I choose to focus on the great live Pauline and I had and still have in spirit.

Schnibley, You also can do the same. I know it is different for you because, all these emotions yo are having now came up, I think you said about 4 years after, you were in this super woman mode, just let these come and go for awhile, you need to experience them as you move forward in this new grief you are starting to feel. Then some day in a few months. Find the positive in each day and build on that, and then one day I pray that the fire sparks in you just like it had for me. Let that flame of life come back, to that roaring blaze inside you to live again, and to find new enjoyments in life again. Set some new goals, small at first, and after you have archived them set you goals higher and work on getting them done. Both you will never forget, your ones you loved so dear and your life with them. But as God as my witness, and my Lord JESUS CHIST as my savior, you both can and will take back the control in you life.

God Bless, Let peace and comfort come to you both,

Dwayne

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Everything you say is normal and doesn't surprise me in the least. It is common to push back grief by keeping busy. When we experience new losses, be it a person or job or home or health, it triggers the old loss and makes it all magnified and fresh. You've found a very caring place to be where others are going through the same thing, we are here for you.

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Schnibley....In my thoughts and prayers....you will be ok...In encouraging others, I encourage myself...lets not let each other down....They say when one door closes...another opens....your door will open by the grace of God...we just don't know when...Just never give up...and come here as often as you can...these people will help lift you up....Peace and Love....Carol

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