Torn

[ljn]

Just got back from the dermatologist. Now waiting for biopsy results. I'm torn between hoping it's

something deadly enough to just be done with all this and put me out of my misery. Or a good prognosis to

give more time to Nikki my 8 yr old cattle dog/border collie and replace the second love of my life Taj our

12 yr old choc siamese that I had to put down 9/11.

After loosing Barbara 12/09 he's what has kept me going. We'd read the mail and paper together,

him curled in my arm. Couldn't be on the computer without being given directions, with a toy

mouse to throw for a game of fetch. He always knew when I needed that extra attention when

depression took hold, kisses and extra cuddles. Everyone wants the dog, but would not take the

cat. Found that out back in '07 when I did the whole breast cancer thing (been cancer free 4 yrs).

So as of now I'm still here due mostly to him.

I never thought or wanted to be here this long without Barbara. It's been 21 months and the wound

is still so raw. I miss her so. She was my best friend and the love of my life for 26 years. We stayed

pretty much to ourselves which makes it so lonely now. Now with the both of them gone the house is

pardone the expression, "quite as a tomb". No ambition to see anyone do anything, the wash, dusting,

vacuuming, shoping, cooking, dishes......I wander the house, sit on the computer and play games, rarely

answer calls, I'm slowly falling apart. I guess the biopsy will be the deciding factor. Put all my affairs

in order and wait or shape up and look forward to some new life and a new member of the family. As I said

right now I'm torn..............Lynn

[dave s]

I totally get what you are saying after losing Mike, I have felt the same as you right now many times, have to search for something to keep me alive, yes what will happen to my dogs, cats, horses if I should also die, and what would they tellthe " love of my life" 5 yr old Colton, nephew, and his 2 yr sister Abby, if I was to go also?

I also get not wanting to keep up with the house, but have found that if I force myself at times, i start to get into the work....and actually at times feel better, guess that is why i am painting the house, it is a distraction for me......

Looking forward to starting a new grief support group Healing Rainbows......guess it should start 10/06 in Phoenix, should be nice to be with others in person, dealing with this hell also...

Thinking of you, Take care! Dave

[Earl C]

I read your comments with great interest, Lynn, and then Dave kind of put it in perspective too. I just lost my Wife 3 months, 15 days ago, and I pretty much understand not really wanting to go on....but, and it's a big but, something you may not necessarily have to be concerned with, but my family would live through me being gone, on top of losing Wanda, but it would be very difficult FOR THEM. I can't let that happen.

We also lost a Son (48 years old) on 2/2/2009, but then my Wife and I had each other to grieve with. This is something greatly and gravely different, I have to go through it by myself, even though I do have family all over me. It's just not the same, though, as losing the person you spent every day, every night with. We cooked together, did the laundry together, cleaned together, the works. Now, in truth I have the ability to do all those things by myself, but I don't have the incentive. If Wanda were just sick and could be in her chair while I did all that, and we could talk about it, that would be a whole new ball game, and I'd be one happy camper. That isn't the way it is, however, and I have to do what I can to keep up her house as best I can (just one of us now, not two of us to share the load), and even without any motivation to do so, I've been able to force myself, and believe me it takes a lot of talking to myself as well as to my best friend.

I too have health issues (I suppose most people my age, 78, do have something), and I was sick with anemia, lack of low cell counts on blood, lack of iron, etc. If Wanda hadn't been here to care for me for the past year, I'd probably be dead, but she did a great job with me, and now she's gone. The whole thing just doesn't make good sense, but this is what I'm faced with, and some of our kids are here about every other day on top of phone calls and emails to make sure I'm doing what I'm supposed to do. I can't let myself go because of the damage it would do to them on top of what they've already experienced. They mean more than my feelings.

What I have been able to figure out is that if any couple, I don't care who they are (unless they really don't care for each other) stays together long enough, one of them is undoubtedly going to be left without the other (except for an accident that took both together), and it's only logical that the one left is going to be in shock or grief or terror or all of those. I can say that Wanda is in a better place than I am, I do truly believe that, and I truly believe that I will rejoin her at some point in time............only if I do what I'm supposed to do.

I also believe that if Wanda were here going through this torture she'd have a harder time with it than I am, and I'm telling you that would be bad. So, the good Lord's plan is what we're living with, and none of us has a right to try to take that plan in our own hands. I'd like to ask you to hold on and try to remember what your partner would want for you. I know what the people on this site want for you, they want you to work through your tears and try to make some semblance of a life for whatever time you have left. That's all I try to do each day. Make a memorial of yourself for your lost best friend, and try to honor the years you had together by being the best you can be alone.

Love for all, and I'm trying to carry on, hoping you'll get the incentive to do the same.

Earl C