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I Don't Know How To Deal.


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All the people ever tell me is to "be strong" or "don't hurt yourself, promise?". I honestly wish it were that easy. I lost the love of my life last week. He shot himself while I was on the phone with him after a fight we had. I feel guilt and hate towards myself. I have constant nightmares of the incident replaying in my head when I'm alone. He had so much going for him. A second year medical student at the age of 22? And as for me? I'm 20 & barely starting college. Only thanks to him. He mentioned constantly he wanted to marry me and have children with me when we finished our education. We had a plan. & in seconds, he was gone. We considered each other soul mates. I believe his sister and his best friend find me guilty. But I never not once made him feel like he was nothing. Even when we fought, I called him perfect. I had my insecurities and always struggled with that. And he knew that very well. He embraced them and said he would fight with my fears. He even promised to be there for me forever. I never asked him to make such a promise. I miss him. When I recalled a memory on the night of his funeral, I felt my heart aching and my chest burning. I started hyperventilating and started becoming unconscious. And you know what? I wish my mother and the emt hadn't attempted to keep me conscious. Anti-depressants can't take the pain away. Sleeping pills can't take away the nightmares of him shooting himself away. I've resorted to hating him so the pain will go away. I don't know what to do.

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Stacyines

You have been through a traumatic event and I am so so sorry. You are so young. I urge you to get some assistance with a grief counselor, Hospice group or regular therapist. The shock and trauma of this, coupled with the family stuff and your own guilt really merit some professional assistance. I urge you to get in touch with someone. If you live in a decent size city there will be a Hospice group to join..grief group. You can also look for a grief counselor, call the churches and see who they refer their members to...they are pretty fussy. Choose churches that sort of reflect your own beliefs if that works for you. keep posting here as folks will reach out. We have all lost our soulmates....mine died in 2010 and I am dealing with grief and trauma but of a different kind. I am so sorry this has happened and to hear the shot on the phone is traumatic. Please consider getting some support face to face. Mary

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I am so sorry that you are going through this, please follow Marys advice and get some professional help....I am only 4 months out in my grief, after losing the love of my life after a brief illness, this web site has been invaluable for advice and support, but also find the counseling that I go through is also providing me MUCH HELP....

Pleas take care......Dave

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Dear Stacyines,

I agree with Mary. Get yourself to a professional counselor ASAP. For tonight, you might hit up the local Samaritans. THey are trained for what I hear in your voice here.

People commit suicide for lots of reasons. They are not thinking like the rest of us do. They do not think about the pain they may cause or the quilt. Trust me when I tell you you are NOT to blame for his death. Anyone who is trying to tell you otherwise is looking for a scapegoat for their own guilt about his death. They are hurting as you are hurting. But they think finding someone to blame will take that hurt away. Please forgive them. In their pain they do not know what they are doing. Forgive him as well: in his pain he did not know what he was doing. And forgive yourself--there was very little you could do under he best of circumstances. Over the phone, you had no real chance at all.

My wife once asked me why I so rarely got angry with her. In her illness there were times she was downright cruel, she thought. I told her that whenever she got angry with me I knew I was talking to the cancer and not to her. People who are hurting do all kinds of things that can be hurtful to those around them without realizing they are doing so. All we can do is respond with patience and understanding. Sometimes that is not enough--and sometimes, being human, we respond to anger and hurt by responding in kind. We are not perfect. But it is what we have.

What you have been through is enough to put you out on the edge. You need all the support we can give you--and that support will be there. But you equally need the help of someone who is trained to deal with this kind of trauma as well. Please, tell us you will start finding that person tomorrow morning. You need them even more than you need us.

Peace,

Harry

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Dear Stacyines,

I am so sorry this has happened to you. This is too much to deal with on your own. I am only dealing with the garden variety losing a spouse through death and almost had a nervous breakdown, sought professional help, been to three different grief support groups and have amassed a pile of books to read this winter. You have been through a much more traumatic event than what is normal. It will take years to work your way through this trauma and I strongly suggest you start talking with someone who knows how to help you. People who say to be strong don't know what they are talking about, avoid them please.

You are in my thoughts and prayers.

Beth

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Dear Stacyines,

I also agree with Mary, She knows what she is talking about. You need the help from a therapist or grief counselor, and reach out today to a hospice counselor TODAY.

When I was your age, I had a close friend, confide in me he wanted to kill himself. I talked with him for hours, I thought I had gotten through to him. A 1/2 hour after we went our own ways, He shot himself. It hit me hard, was there something else I could have said or done. The answer was no, it was his choice. I wish it could have came out different, because after he shot himself, it was then that he realized, he did not want to die. This was in the mountains of Colorado, and the closest medical treatment was 40 miles away. He did not make it.

I lost my wife of 30 years, together 33, 7 month ago. She passed from MS, she had a long time. We could see the end coming, even years before she passed. Grief is different for us all, as it will be for you.

Please keep coming back and say whatever you want, or what is going through you mind right now. We are all here to help each other. This is a the right place to be, after you seek and get the professional help started TODAY.

God Bless, I pray for you that our loving and FORGIVING GOD, will ease your pain and take away your self guilt, that you had no control over, HIS decision, he made. Please Lord bring Stacy some comfort and peace today, that she can build on as each day comes to her. I ask this in the name of JESUS CHRIST, my Lord and Savior. Amen

Dwayne

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My dear Stacyines,

I'm so sorry to learn of this tragic loss of your beloved, but grateful to know that you've found your way to us so we can be with you in your pain. Death by suicide is one of the most difficult losses to endure, and certainly one of the most difficult to understand. I agree completely with the responses you've received from Mary, Dave, Harry, Beth and Dwayne, and I hope you will follow through with their suggestions.

I'm also going to point you to some resources that I hope will help, so you'll have quick access to them whenever you feel ready to utilize them. In addition, you can also download the Survivors of Suicide Handbook, which I'm attaching as a pdf file. (These and other resources are listed on the Suicide Loss page of my Grief Healing Web site, http://www.griefheal...uicide-loss.htm.) In the meantime, just take time to feel and share your thoughts and feelings with us, whatever they may be, and know that we are here for you . . .

Guilty, Your Honor: The Burden of Guilt after a Suicide, http://hovforum.ipbh...indpost&p=33269

Friends for Survival of Suicide Loss, http://www.friendsforsurvival.org/

Healing for Survivors of Suicide, http://www.survivingsuicide.com/

Healing the Hurt Spirit: Daily Affirmations for People Who've Lost a Loved One to Suicide (Book)

Heartbeat: Grief Support following Suicide, http://heartbeatsurv...org/index.shtml

Silent Grief: Living in the Wake of Suicide (Book by Christopher Lucas)

Bereaved by Suicide: Support from Befrienders International, http://www.befrienders.org/

Resources for Suicide Survivors, http://www.suicidolo...vivor-resources

When Someone You Love Commits Suicide, http://www.thisisawa...riefSuicide.htm

SurvivorsOfSuicideHandbook.pdf

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Stacyines,

I wish I could put my arms around you and make you feel better. I know this is probably going to take a while for you to work through. If you don't get anything else out of this please listen to and believe these words: THIS WAS NOT YOUR FAULT!

Your BF committed a horrific act on impulse. There is no fight that can't be gotten through worked out, nothing worth committing suicide over. He was in pain and thus expressed it in the most extreme way. He didn't think it through, it wasn't his plan to make you suffer the rest of your life...in fact, he didn't have a plan at all, it was impulse, sheer impulse. Please don't accept what his family or friends try to lay on you. For crying out loud, Honey, you're 20 years old! You're a kid yourself, you are not responsible for this young man's taking his life. Yes you had plans to marry and have kids, had plans to finish your education, had plans to spend your lives together, and now his act has changed everything. Suicide is the most selfish act one can commit, I'm sorry, but it wasn't purposeful, it simply wasn't thought out. It will take you a while to work through all of this and forgive him for what he did to you, to both of you, and to his family and friends. PLEASE get some help in working through this, their are grief counselors, you can contact a counselor through your school and get a referral for some help, don't try to do this alone.

I am so glad you ARE here, I am so glad because you still have your life to live and even though it doesn't seem good right now, it will change. Your life will not always be like it is today, please believe that, it will get better eventually.

Do you have any close family or friends around that can be supportive of you right now?

Meanwhile, please keep coming here, voice yourself, we will listen, we will care, we'll be here for you, okay?

(((hugs)))

Kay

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Stacyines, our friends here have said it all. What has happened can't be placed on your shoulders. You've said this was your soul mate, you said you wanted to spend the rest of your life with him. I truly don't know what you could have done to prevent this, and for anyone, family or not, to place the blame on you is a miscarriage of justice. If you could have stopped it, you would have, no doubt.

Some of us here have faced terrible feelings of "what could I have done better", "how could I have made her/him live longer or happier", but the truth is that each of us did what we could, and there is a master plan that we don't control. Some things are beyond all that we can do, and there are times when we each (at least some of us, I can't speak for all) have thought that life isn't worth living now without our best friend...but, it's up to us to do our very best each day and let God make those decisions. I hope and pray that you will go on living and doing your very best each day, whether it's for him, for God, or for yourself. I can tell you that each of us needs the whole group to survive, and you are one of us now, even if it's not the life any of us chose.

Please go easy on yourself, and give yourself credit for all the good, then strive to do more good before it's your time to go to the next part of your journey.

Lots of love to all....stay with us, vent your feelings, and we'll be here!!

Earl C

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