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It's Been 20 Months Today.


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Well, it's been 20 months today being the 22nd. It seems like every day is the same. I still can't wrap my head around the fact that I'm living here in this world and he's not. I believe that there is a tiny part of my brain that never will accept it. I'm sorry to say I really dislike life right now and I'm not looking forward to future days either. Death is so final. We are so mortal. This is the greatest test of my Faith. I believe love for God comes first and then love of family. But it was so much easier to say that before he died. If it was up to me Danny would have lived well beyond the age of 61. I suppose it really was His will, not mine. Who am I to say when we must depart from this world. I'm just waiting for God to give me direction. I just don't have the motivation to make any more decisions. I'm just leaving my life up to God.

God bless to all,

Suzanne

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Hi Suzanne,

My heart reaches out to you. I do share your pain...it will be 18 months for me on Sept. 27 since Bill died...I also still feel a shock, a jolt when I see his picture or just realize that he is gone. It still takes my breath away and I find life to be empty, pretty devoid of meaning. I try to reach out to others to help and that brings me satisfaction but it surely is not enough. I know not the road ahead. I just know that last 18 months have been the roughest chapter of my 71 years. I do share your pain. I also have no answers. I experience waves of grief rolling in and then get a bit of relief until the next one hits.

I am with you,

Mary

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Dear Suzanne,

On the 25 it will be 7 months for me. The pain still cuts deep and always will. Pauline and I always had very strong Christian beliefs. I know that his has help me so much in my life today. Pauline and I were one heart, one spirit always in twined together for eternity. Death is only a passing into a new plane of existence. I know is God's Kingdom. I started going back to our church about 2 months after she passed. I would cry every time I went, but that is ok, God caught my tears in golden vile's to be kept in his Kingdom. As a Long term care giver, it took a toll on my body, that I did not even realize it was going on, because my focus was on Pauline and giving her the very best life I could. Even as she slipped away, I did everything I could to keep her spirit up. She was never afraid of death. Because she knew were she was going next. To be at peace with God.

I have been ill all summer long. It has been one thing after another. I could have very easily wallowed away in my self pity and grief. I made a conscious decision to not let the grief control me, that I was going to control the grief. Then a flame started burning in me ever so slight. When I went to church, I did not cry any more, only when I talked about our great life we had and still have together. On July 25, Pauline's 5 month date of her passing. I had an operation. As they woke up in recovery, the last thing I saw was, Pauline's face, HEALTHY and HAPPY. No word but just her face, even the hair color was the same as I had colored it for her 5 weeks before she passed. That flame inside me turned into a roaring blaze, and it is still there. This was a true gift from God.

I had told Pauline 7 months before she passed, that if and, when she passed I wanted to become a nurse. Pauline was shocked, because this is nothing like I had done for work ever before. Little did we know that in about 4 months later that her body would start shutting down from the MS, she had for many years.

Now I have this great peace in me. I feel God has sent Pauline to be around me all the time. Now after my lost summer due to many, health problems, I an now healthy again, and I will be starting my classes sometime in October.

It has only been though God and my Savior Jesus Christ that I have this great peace inside me. Trust your faith, for God can and will help lift you back to life again. It takes a lot of work to get your mind in the right frame of positive emotions. To find the positive in every day, even if it is very small. It is something to build on. Take your mind each day off the grief, going for a walk, or something you liked to do before. You can build each day into the great peace that I have, now. It doesn't mean I don't cry and miss Pauline everyday, because I do. The difference is I let the wave come, then I get back up again. I pray and wish that all of you on here can find what I have found.

God Bless

Dwayne

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I know, Suzanne, it is impossible to understand. Somewhere along the way I accepted it, but I never agreed to it or liked it. I only know this is what is. My George just turned 51 five days before he died I don't get it either, I still needed him. I'm sorry you're having such a rough time...(((hugs)))

Kay

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