2Nd Grief Class

[HoneyImHome11]

"Any thought that takes us out of THIS moment, whatever feelings and experiences THIS moment may hold, is the groundwork of our grief. The life and death issues in this Universe ultimately are beyond our control. We can be prudent, responsible, careful, and protective of our loved ones, but ultimately it is ALL beyond our control. So grief is primarily the pain of resisting what is." ~ John E. Welshons

You see... the key word for me in all of this is giving up CONTROL. I live my life by being in control... always have. Why would this be any different? Be proactive, go into fight mode... don't let your enemy win at all cost.

But if I had just learned that all my pain is coming now from "resisting what is" and to do this from the first day of my husband's diagnosis I would be in better shape today. But oh know... I really took control from day one, I fought right beside there right beside him learning everything I could to fight the disease that was killing him. At the same time knowing intellectually that we were up against all statistics, knowing that no matter what we/he did, the future wouldn't be changed. Which leads into ACCEPTANCE...

Deb

redesign08.blogspot.com

[Earl C]

Deb, very proactive thinking. But, while I have to ACCEPT what has happened, I don't have to like it. GOD is in charge, and I'm not GOD is what I've always told people, so when something like losing my best friend TEMPORARILY happens, I do have to accept it because I had nothing to do with the decision. If we have faith, which I certainly do, then we know that there is a reason this has taken place. I feel like the reason is that I haven't finished my work on earth (or I haven't done well enough yet to be worthy of the eternal life with my partner), and when it is time then I will join her, and we will spend trillions of years together. All that said, I can't help missing her right now, and no matter how much I tell myself that this is the life I'm supposed to live for the time being, I still don't like it. I will do what I am supposed to do, I will honor her life as well as I can, but taking control of the situation does not mean to me that I don't break down and cry, that I don't talk to her day and night, and I certainly don't just (as some people might say) move on with my own life.

I'm going to be the best I can each and every day, and I believe my best friend is watching over me, and GOD is controlling my life. Thanks for all the wisdom you've shared, and I think each of us can have the control by just doing what we're supposed to do with the rest of our life, but we can still grieve because we're left alone, even with others around us.

Hugs to all....Earl C

[mfh]

Deb, I do believe that giving up control (attachment) is ONE key to happiness. However, I do not believe that the vast majority of us are able to let go of resisting what is. It is a great goal but not very realistic. I believe pain also comes from being human....i.e. losing the love of our life and yes resisting that but resisting that loss is the human condition. We resist loss...especially of our most loved one. I think it is the rare person (a guru of sorts, perhaps) that does not resist the loss of the most important person in our lives. I am not there, for sure, and don't expect to arrive in that transformed place in this life time...try as I may My guess is that you took charge...vs control.

Mary

[nats]

Hello My Friends,

Just my thoughts...

I also have always liked to be in CONTROL of things but in reality we can only CONTROL or MANAGE aspects in our lives that are within our reach...I did much the same learned all the side effects, planned the healthy dietand much more for Ruth as I really thought my being in CONTROL would change the outcome, I think it helped both Ruth and I but the reality was she was not going to be cured or healed and life would never return to NORMAL (now that's another topic NORMAL)....since her passing I have learned that the CONTROL we have is at the least not much and only limited to today as we never know what tomorrow may bring...so I be must one of the few because I do choose to CONTROL what I can about my life and have chosen to CONTROL my grief as it brings me happiness as I have and am learning to Love Ruth in a different way and I'm finding a new life with someone else to share all of Gods beauty with, if I didn't I would not be happy, and most of all Ruth would not be happy as she always wanted me happy more than anything....I will always miss her and I will and still do grieve her and have SUG's but life is now brighter again, God has placed us all in this journey for a reason and we are not to question just follow and I do with all my heart...

NATS

In order to get from what was to what will be,

you have to go through what is.

[Cheryl]

Nats,

You say you have learned to "control" your grief. What does this control look like? From everything I have read and from what grief counselors tell us, if we try to "control" our feelings of grief they will just come back later to be dealt with. Do you not allow your self to feel the pain by spending time with Ruth instead? I am confused by what you are trying to say. Sorry can you clarify?

[mfh]

I do not choose to control my grief...I sometimes do not allow my feelings to be visible to others so that I can function but I do believe that controlling feelings, suppressing them....is not a wise move overall. I think the goal is to embrace my grief, learn from it, allow my pain to have a life.

See the quote I put on the quote page today.

Mary

[nats]

Nats,

You say you have learned to "control" your grief. What does this control look like? From everything I have read and from what grief counselors tell us, if we try to "control" our feelings of grief they will just come back later to be dealt with. Do you not allow your self to feel the pain by spending time with Ruth instead? I am confused by what you are trying to say. Sorry can you clarify?

Cheryl,

Yes to clarify I still grieve Ruth but in a positive way, I with the help of God "CONTROL" my grief as I choose not to be held hostage

feeling sorrow and pain 24/7 dwelling on the fact Ruth has passed and is no longer on Earth, but my faith allows me to see, visit, and feel her daily as if she were here and I do not dwell on the fact I can not hold her or caress her as I did when she was on earth...with these practices I CONTROL my grief and allow myself to grieve on my terms...I do have days of crying and feeling sad but I reflect on positive thoughts of Ruth not the fact she is gone, and I believe she is gone only from earth not my mind and heart, many people after months or years still can not believe there spouses are gone, they say it every day, but that's part of ACCEPTANCE another major hurdle in grieving and grief CONTROL...I found the ACCEPTANCE very early in this journey but then I had a coach, a fellow grieving spouse, whom guided me along with God, we cleaned Ruth's closet out except for the special things I wanted about 2 months after her passing and doing that is for sure the fastest way to ACCEPTANCE....finding someone to be close with is also another major factor in CONTROL of grief, when you understand there is life left to be lived and know your spouse would want you to be happy living that life that also provides a level of CONTROL over the grief....I hope I helped explain and clarify, sometimes I myself am and can be confused in sorting all this out...I would be happy to explain more if needed....

NATS

[ksbeachbum]

While I believe that we need to look at the positives, it is impossible to put GRIEF in a box and say all should do this or that. Grief is an individual journey and there is no right or wrong. Grief is different at 1 month, 6 months and two years out. I am guessing that at 18 months out is it alot easier to look at the positives than it is at two months out. I know I can only do what is right for me at the time and sometimes it is just too overwhelming while other days it is great with positive memories. I do not choose to feel I am hostage of grief but it is a journey that I need to go through, good and bad. I believe I have little control as God is my driver and I am along for the ride and faith where he takes me. I can only go where he chooses me to go with the tools he has given me. And I am confident that I will be healthy and whole at the end of this grief journey. Just saying this is the right way to think for me and I am sure that many of you have your own thoughts about this.

Peace and Hugs

Becky

[Dwaynecg]

Dear, Deb, Earl, Mary, Nats, Cheryl, Becky,

" in order to get from what was.To what will be, you have to go through what is"

Nats I love that quote. It speaks many volumes on how we deal each and every day with life.

I have found my peace with my Lord and he is there for all of us, along with his only son who paid the PRICE for OUR SINS upon the CROSS,

Finding the control and peace are an every day job, you have to work, on each and every positive you are given each and every day. Also you must learn to recognize a positive, because they can be something so small in the hours of you day, you may pass them by. Then learn to take your mind away from the grief, it doesn't mean that it is gone because it is not. After time, patients, practice, you all can find the great peace and control that Nats an I have found.

When you love and care for someone so deeply, that you would do anything for them. You become so inter twined with your loved one, you feel what they feel you see what they see, you hear what they hear, and you can even hear their thoughts. It is like a giant tuning fork. When you reach that, level in your relationship, which I believe many of us on here have. When that fork is stuck you are in God's perfect harmony. Even over hundreds of miles I was and still am connected with Pauline. I try to never use the word DEATH when I speak of her, it is always PASSING, because that is what she did. With he last breath in her body she said, " I love you too ". Very profound when you understand, that she had not spoken for 3 days prior to her passing. I prayed to God.and Jesus Christ, all I wanted was to hear those words one more time. AS our Lord lifted her up into his Kingdom, he gave me that, which I prayed so much for. I LOVE YOU TOO. it brings tears to my eyes now, but that is ok, we are all human, and we grieve. I choose to control the grief, I also let out my emotions. I cried at choir practice twice on that day, but I had a job to do. With the Lords strength, HE lifted me back up to sing his songs again.

Death is finite, Passing is not. That is how Pauline and I lived our life. Through the Lord almighty, and our Savior, Jesus Christ.

I hope, and pray that something in this message has touched all of you in some positive way. The way Nats and I have come to live our life again. At peace but never forgetting, our journey of life thus far.For you will never forget you one true love of your life. I know I will not. I can see her face, her smile, hear her voice, smell her smell, all in my heart, mind, and soul.

God Bless each and everyone of you,

Dwayne

[Cheryl]

I think I will have to agree with Becky that this grief thing is very individual.

It sounds like my definition of controling grief is very different from Nats definition. I think of trying to control grief as a way of trying to avoid grief, forgeting about it, pushing it out of your mind and not allowing the feeling. But I can see that Nats uses the word control as a way of deciding how to handle his grief, which for him is in a positive reframing of emotions. Sound right Nats?

I have felt very little control of anything in my life since my husbands death. Infact I think the one thing I have learned is that I may think that I am in control but the reality is most of the time everything is out of my ability to control. I do believe that we all have choices and those choices can lead us into deeper despair or through the despair and out into a new life. A life of growth because of what we have allowed ourselves to feel and learn from.

I caution our newbies that you need to sit with your pain and learn about your pain before you can take charge of "controling" your pain.

It sounds like we are all on the same page about moving forward and trying to rebuild our lives into something positive!!!Hooray for us!

[Earl C]

It sounds like Cheryl is right about being on the same page, but it's true that our individual characteristics have a direct influence on how we deal with our grief. I know that I will never (there's that word that I've come to hate) "get over it" as some people have been advised to do. I know that for whatever days I have left on this earthly part of my journey, I will miss my wonderful Wanda more than I could possibly express to anyone, and I know that I don't want control, whether that's the correct word or not, because I (remember, I'm only at 3 months, 23 days) I am going to break down and cry whether I want to or not, and I can't control that. My Crohn's disease keeps me from attending Church (a very nice small Chapel that Wanda and I found together and enjoyed) some times, but when I do go, like the past two Sundays, several people each week come up and hug me or shake my hand, always ask how I'm doing. The Pastor stands at the pulpit and talks about the people of the congregation who we should pray for as they are going through some (usually medical) crisis, and at times he talks about those we've lost, and he said to me "Earl, it's a day at a time process, isn't it?" He's correct, and there are specific things that make me break down more than others, such as going to the front to receive communion....or even singing the hymns, because I remember how we did all these things together and now I find myself alone with people all around me. Again, I do understand what Nats has to say, and I believe too that each of us will find ourselves in a different position, and some of the events of our past will help to determine what control we truly have.

I hope Marty will forgive me here, and I truly don't want to try to convert anyone to my way of thinking or Dwayne's beliefs or anything of the sort. I honestly believe that belief, just as which religion within a religious community, is an individual choice. I personally believe that Wanda and I will be reunited (she believed that too, as our saying was always 'together forever', and that is actually on our headstone. No one else needs to take my belief or my specific 'branch' of religion, but what I was getting to was that I've learned two things in my life, and this recent loss of the most loved person in my entire life certainly affirms what I've learned. The two things I know in my heart are (1) GOD is in charge; and, (2) I'm not GOD. In my belief system, I only have to accept those two things, live every day the best I know how, and then I don't have any control at all. My time will come when it's supposed to, and there's nothing I can do about that, so what else on this earth do I need to know?

To all my friends here, whether you have a different belief system or no belief at all, I commend you for honestly living as you see fit, and I thank you for being here and helping me to deal with this terrible, unwanted part of the earthly portion of my journey.

Hugs to all of you....Earl C

[MartyT]

Dear Ones,

I think we all understand and appreciate the intention and the sentiment behind the faith-based statements that have been articulated here and in some other recent posts. But in deference to our non-Christian members, I think it needs to be said that, in this ongoing effort by some of our members to defend and explain their individual spiritual beliefs, they run the risk of alienating some of our other members. Not all of our members are of the Christian faith, after all, and while they may be reluctant to say so, I worry that they may find some of these statements off-putting if not downright offensive. While I certainly don't think that is the intention here, I want to caution all of us to be careful in expressing specific aspects of (or reasons for) our faith, lest we give the impression that we're preaching, promoting a particular religious doctrine or trying to convert others to our own religious beliefs.

I am reminded of a passage in Sameet Kuman's beautiful book, Grieving Mindfully. He writes,

Many of the people that I work with call themselves spiritual but not religious. There is no contradiction in this at all. Religion can be understood as an outward cultural and even institutional entity. Spirituality can often mean the way you experience religion as an individual, or the way you relate personally to certain teachings or beliefs.

The differences between religion and spirituality are often misunderstood, further confusing the sometimes polarized opinions about the two. In my opinion, our society has seen a tremendous backlash against and disillusionment with "Western" religions. It even seems as though it's currently hip to be Buddhist, or otherwise identify with some "exotic" or "esoteric" practices, in order to distance oneself from traditional belief systems. This whole struggle over religion and spirituality is in many ways unnecessary and may even be self-defeating. For many people, denouncing religion is almost a point of pride, as if abandoning or denouncing religion is somehow a badge of honor, or proof of maturity or intelligence. Many people give up entirely on religion without first trying to infuse their religious upbringing with what they have learned spiritually, and their own ways of feeling connected to the world and all life.

My own attitude regarding religion is that it is often extremely helpful to have a group of fellow seekers, or a community with which to share one's own spiritual beliefs, and a delineated path toward a goal. Structuring your beliefs, and your meditation practice, in this way helps you to track your progress toward the goal. Otherwise, you might wind up floating aimlessly in the open seas of your own mind and ego.

If you belong to a religious tradition, it is possible, and I believe ideal, for you to fold your spiritual beliefs into this tradition. As His Holiness the Dalai Lama says repeatedly when he teaches to Westerners, you don't have to become a Buddhist to benefit from Buddhism; any spiritual teaching can inform and deepen the practice of your own religion. You don't have to be Buddhist, or belong to any religion, to practice mindfulness. There is nothing wrong with being religious or not being religious. The way we practice our spirituality is unique to each person. From a Buddhist perspective, what matters most is that you have a sense of purpose and meaning in your life that helps you cultivate wisdom and compassion.

A parable in the Lotus Sutra illustrates this point. This ancient Buddhist text formed a pivotal role in the development of Mahayana Buddhism, especially in China. One of its chapters talks about the spiritual teachings, life's spiritual lessons, or Dharma, as being like a giant rain cloud that passes over a valley. The cloud drops water on all of the plants and herbs of the valley equally. Each plant drinks its fill, sometimes more than another plant, sometimes less, but always enough. Each plant is unique. The rain quenches all of their thirst equally – unconditionally (pp. 134-135).

[source: Grieving Mindfully: A Compassionate and Spiritual Guide to Coping with Loss, © 2005 by Sameet M. Kuman, Ph.D.,NewHarbingerPublications, Inc.]

[mfh]

Marty,

I so appreciate your input here regarding the subject of Christianity, Spirituality, Religion, Beliefs, etc.

I know I have expressed a belief in life after life on line here and there hopefully always also expressing acceptance of what anyone believes and values because I truly do. But I have also felt that many of the posts lately have gone far beyond the simple expression of a belief that is helping to cope with loss. Many posts have been feeling increasingly Christian and well, preachy- though I am certain that they were not intended to hurt or preach or leave people out.

As a result, until your post today, I basically had decided, in the past several days, that the board was no longer meeting my needs and that I will just drop out because I do not choose to read these long posts about religious beliefs and because it felt like we took a detour somewhere. I felt the frequency and length of these posts were indeed increasing and also leaving out many people, like me, who do not share many of the beliefs that are expressed in these posts and that there was far too much expression of specific religious stances.

So, I thank you for stepping in and putting your own thoughts down for all of us. You always do it so tactfully but clearly also. I will hang around for a while and see if we can get back to our purpose (as I see it) i.e. to reach out and support each other...everyone in ways that many people around us can not do.

Today I backed off and decided not to post how hard this week is for me because it is 18 months today since Bill died and somehow that is significant to me. I feared I would get long religious responses that I would not appreciate. So I did not post it. That has happened a few times recently.

So I thank you for jumping in and clarifying the guidelines. Peace to you and to all of us who are dealing with loss,

Mary mfh

[HAP]

Dear Mary,

I can only echo your sentiments both in terms of Marty's intervention and in terms of the increasingly religious tone. I, too, have found it increasingly difficult to participate here. Thank you for verbalizing those feelings.

Peace,

Harry

[HoneyImHome11]

Thank you everyone for participating in this subject... I can see how passionate we all become in our hearts when talking about that which affects us so deeply and that includes myself. I would like to go back to the original point and that is... "So grief is primarily the pain of resisting what is." AND my comment about CONTROL. I just want to say my interpretation of control/taking charge for me is "bringing my influence directly into my life" instead of the likes of others the best way I know how.

The reason I posted... ANGER got the best of me so I am taking Grief classes... I don't want to be angry at my husband for leaving me.

Thank you Marty for bringing up the subject of religion and spirituality. A very long time ago I turned my back on traditional religion because of a preacher and his fire, hell and damnation. Today I will cry when I hear the song Amazing Grace, so you see, I know I am not lost. I recognize a hypocrite with smooth words, actions do speak louder than words.

Peace and light friends... may our hearts learn to sing once again.

Deb

redesign08.blogspot.com

[nats]

I think I will have to agree with Becky that this grief thing is very individual.

It sounds like my definition of controling grief is very different from Nats definition. I think of trying to control grief as a way of trying to avoid grief, forgeting about it, pushing it out of your mind and not allowing the feeling. But I can see that Nats uses the word control as a way of deciding how to handle his grief, which for him is in a positive reframing of emotions. Sound right Nats?

I have felt very little control of anything in my life since my husbands death. Infact I think the one thing I have learned is that I may think that I am in control but the reality is most of the time everything is out of my ability to control. I do believe that we all have choices and those choices can lead us into deeper despair or through the despair and out into a new life. A life of growth because of what we have allowed ourselves to feel and learn from.

I caution our newbies that you need to sit with your pain and learn about your pain before you can take charge of "controling" your pain.

It sounds like we are all on the same page about moving forward and trying to rebuild our lives into something positive!!!Hooray for us!

Cheryl,

In response yes, I do use the word CONTROL as well as the action of CONTROL to manage and handle my grief, I decided early on in my grief I had to take CONTROL, it was my survival mode, I have taken CONTROL of some of the things in life I never have since Ruth's passing, I have learned also that no matter how much I think I'm in CONTROL that life and things happen I have absolutely have no CONTROL over, that's LIFE..tires flat, fridge broke, etc. that's when I wake up and see that I only CONTROL what I can and go with the flow, take a deep breath, cry if needed then say OK, just gotta get it fixed it always could be worse...but in short I take life different now, I have started over on a new journey as we all have, I have just chosen to try and CONTROL the path I travel with the least amount of pain along with positive energy, and I'm trying to enjoy my final days here before I also pass...

NATS

[Susie Q]

I have also been absent of late for the same reasons although I hope that those with strong religious beliefs are not offended by my view.

I am pleased that for some,their faith offers great comfort but for my part I would like to see us return to more focus on practical support and discussion so that this forum appeals to a wider audience....Susie Q

[Dwaynecg]

Dear Susie,

I agree with you, Sometime I just get so caught up in my feelings and belief. I in no way am trying to push any kind of an agenda on here. These are just my feelings.

I want and say almost in everything I write for people, not the ones who are so new and this time is so close to the passing of their love ones, they have to go through the emotions as those ways come, anger, helplessness, guilt, why me, not sleeping, eating good, crying all the time , remembering the final, ending. These new people cannot and should not try to stop the grief as it comes wave after wave. Earl is in that boat now. I went to my hospice meeting, last night, and there were only four of us there. We had a great decision. I believe that in a person who has gone through all the firsts, by the way I have not, but I still find that great peace inside myself. Nancy my hospice counselor asked, me to explain to the others how they can come to the place I am in. For one I have all my life been the smallest of my family. Any sports team I played on I was still the smallest person, but that alone gave me the determination and the dive to succeed, and excel in everything I did. I was the first in my high school to get a varsity letter in 4 different sports.

For the people who have gone through the firsts, I believe that each and every day there are positives in the lives that they may not recognize. That is the first place to start to see the positives in your everyday life no matter how small, and learn to build on them. Second each and every day find something that brings you joy or something that takes your mind away from this grief, even for a short time. Learn to talk to as many people as you can. This helps build a sense of belonging back in this life again. I still cry for Pauline, I cried yesterday as it was Greg and Donna's anniversary. I wrote them a special card, and I cried because I will not have that human contact with her again. I cannot wait for my nursing school to get started in a couple or three weeks. You need to set goals for yourself, or even an assignment to reach each week. Even if that is just talking to your mail person or neighbor for 30 seconds or better yet 1 minute. All this can help, bring you back to life again.

See I can be productive without bringing my religion into the conversation. We all go through grief different and at our own pace. The one ting I ask from all of you is to not to wallow in your despair, and depression will set in. The deeper you go into depression the harder the fight is back out.

Dwayne

[MartyT]

Gentle Reminder: Let us take care not to be offering unsolicited advice to one another.

Again, Dwayne, I appreciate your good intentions, and when you share with us what has worked for you, we are happy for you ~ but as you say, sometimes you get caught up in your own feelings and beliefs, and sometimes you may lose sight of the fact that others are in a different place. When you caution others "not to wallow in your despair" you're not only passing judgment by assuming a negative ("wallowing"), but you're also telling them not to feel what they may be feeling.

It may help you to work on using "I" statements rather than "you" ones, because then you are speaking only for yourself ~ and that is fine. Statements that begin with "You need to . . . [do this or that]" can feel to another as if you are the expert, as if you have all the answers, and if only we would do it your way we'd all be so much happier and further along in our own grief journey. I know you don't mean it that way, but I need for you to know that it can feel that way to others.

You know as well as I do that no one ~ not a single one of us ~ has the answer; there simply is no "right" or "wrong" way to "do" the work of grief. There is only our own way, and each of us must discover that way for ourselves.

[Dwaynecg]

Dear Marty T,

I understand what you are telling me. No I am not an expert, nor claim to be one. Thank you for bringing this to my attention. I will do better in the future not to use the words I use. I know that grief affects everyone differently, and they move through it at their own pace. All I try to do is to help people. That is what I like to do. I am totally sorry if my choice of words a fended anyone on this wonderful Forum we have to express our thoughts and feelings. You are the expert, that has done this for many years. I will tone it down, and let everyone find their own path to follow.

My problem, is that in any job I ever had, I was always a leader, not a follower. I think that is what has happened to me here. I want to lead as many people as I can out into the light of life again. You made me realize that I cannot do that. They have to find their own way trough this grief we all go through. I also think because, Pauline had so much time to prepare for her passing, that we never left anything unsaid. Her and I had years to talk about it, and we made very good use of the time. We could talk to each other about anything, anytime. We were and still are bonded as one. That alone in any marriage or relationship is very rare to have. Pauline's best friend Donna, to Pauline the best gift she ever got was from Pauline. Who showed her what a true, honest, loving marriage was, by the example that we set, with our true love we had for each other. I have been told this many times after Pauline passed. That it showed to all who saw, that we had something people search for, sometimes all their lives and never find. We found that and each and every day nurtured our love for each other.

So you are right I only have my experience to go by, but whatever that is it is working for me. I am at so much peace in my heart and soul. That I just want everyone to find what I have found. In whatever way they can. I am so excited, I set goals early on. Even before Pauline Passed I told her if I was still young enough that I wanted to go into nursing some how, some way. That was 7 months before she passed and 3 months before we knew that her body was slowly shutting down. Not being able to absorbed nutrients they way we all do. It was shocking to her that I wanted to be a nurse. I am so close to the start of my goal, I can taste it.

Peace Marty T

Dwayne

[MartyT]

♥

[nats]

Dwayne,

Once again you say things that are so like myself, always a leader not a follower, wanting to help others as we feel it's part of the plan for us, and discussing what was to happen to our wives with our wives allowed us to once again to "lead" ourselves on this new journey...I have many times wondered if I ever offened anyone with what I posted and wasn't sure if some of the things I posted were proper but said them anyway...MartyT is wonderful, the forum is wonderful, and we all are traveling a path we have no map for, I myself find and relate very much to your feelings and thoughts but I understand MartyT's point and your response to MartyT shows your character you should be proud...as you said we must all find our way and we will, some of us will just find our way sooner than others and some may never find that comfort zone, keep on movin' along my friend...

NATS

[kayc]

Wow, these are some very deep thoughts. I agree with much of what all of you have written...I remember feeling a loss of control with George's being taken away from me and it really bothered me that no one had consulted with ME about what was greatly concerning MY life! I also remember in the earlier years having a hard time with the very word "acceptance" because I did not like or agree with what had happened...but eventually I came to realize that acceptance did not mean you liked it or wanted it to happen, it did not mean you agreed with it (and please, don't get me started on people who say "it must have been God's will"!)...acceptance is just realizing that this IS what IS now and that is that. You are no longer in denial, somewhere along the way you stopped expecting to hear their voice when you answered the phone, or see them walk through the door when you heard it open. You realize that no miracle is going to occur and bring them back. Life is not going to return to the way it was. Acceptance. And it does NOT equate with what you want or like or agree with. It just is what is.

I might also add, and some of you may disagree with me and that's totally okay too, but I think we can be spiritual beings with or without organized religion or church. Some people who believe in God or afterlife do not attend church. I happen to be one who does, but I respect other people's choices. We don't have to agree with or like some minister's approach or delivery on the hell, fire, and brimstone message. I had a dear southern friend who used to say you catch more flies with honey than you do with vinegar, that's my personal belief too, you don't have to scare people into it. In fact, I remember reading somewhere in the Bible where it's said (paraphrase, my memory isn't as keen as it used to be) "even if I told you, you wouldn't believe me (so why tell you?)" You can preach hell, fire, and brimstone all you want to people and what good is all that scaring going to do, you think it's really going to land you a good solid convert? That's a rhetorical question that doesn't need answered, just my thoughts on the subject...much better, in my opinion, to speak of the benefits of Christianity and the helpful teachings of the man they called Master.

On another note, the sign of a good leader is they have followers. I guess that's why I'm not a counselor, I find people don't want to take advice...if I was meant to be one, people would listen and heed me better.

[Susie Q]

Kay

I know what you mean about acceptance. Just one example, I used to burst into tears everytime I walked through the door, day or night, because I felt his absence so very strongly and in a real physical sense.

Now I don't expect him to be there. I still long for him to be there but it's just the action of coming in the door now. I cry when I realise for the millionth time that he's not there for me to share the day/event with, but at least I'm ten steps inside by the time that happens. I think you just adjust to the different circumstance slowly over time.

I've gotten ten steps further along in two years.....but it's something.

[mkenwater]

Cheryl, I totally agree with your synopsis. I have often thought about this "Grief & emotional pain" thing in detail and from the support groups, how we all may deal with it. Everyone's experience is different and unique to the individual. In my case, my soulmate and I knew a year ahead of the time of her "life's Passage/Journey" to Heaven, of the utimatcy. I have often pondered if it is better to deal with a spousal lost with Notice ahead of Time, or a situation such as yours, where you see your spouse that morning, never to see them again. I was always so afraid for my Sharon that I would one day leave in the morning to never return. We don't have the answers, but in my case at least we had some time together, to talk, to love, to plan, which I feel has helped me immensely with my grief challenges. No, I don't think the grief ever goes away, but the pain lessens. Grief and Pain must be the "healers", if you accept it and think positive. Recently, I realized that I did indeed marry a Widow myself 16 years ago after Sharon and I met. She already new how I was feeling and what I would have to deal with. I am grateful to our Lord for the life I had with Sharon, but now I have accepted that I have a new journey and role to fullfill. Finished a book awhile back called "The Secret", and my most valuble take-away was, "negative thoughts to God and the Universe attact negativity, so we must ask the Universe for what we want and believe we will get it. Negative attracts negative, positive attracts positive.

Keep up the Good Work and your strong Beliefs and Positivity.