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Smoking, Roses, And Yes Mike You Told Me So.......


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Woke up today, continue to have this cold, allergies, bronchitis, what ever it is is kicking my butt, once again sick in 4 1/2 months, sure is tiresome...when I am trying to get back on my feet! One terrible habit I have had for yrs is smoking, Oh I could stop for months, yrs.....but always came bac kto being a social smoker, when we were told that Mike had 2 yrs to live, I started heavily......when on the next doctors visit we were told actually 6 months, in between my tears I ran to the store for a carton of smokes, at one point was smoking 2-3 packs a day.....since then have trended down to just a pack a day....I hate it I hate the smell, and the $$$ involved, and yes know all to well of the physical cost! I will never understand why this has become my crutch....does it calm me down? not really.....perhaps it is just a distraction...I guess I am at a point in my life, that i dont care if I live or die, during one of my recent journalling sessions i wrote down all the reasons to keep me going, I have a wonderfull set of parents, gmother, fabulous friends.....as this is great! and yet the only thing that is keeping me going is the 5yr old nephew,Colton, who doesnt call me by name, just "Bestfriend" and his 2 yr old sister,Abby.....who calls me "Favorite"!!!!!What are they going to tell them if something should happen to me? And what would Mike think if I dont continue to try to rebuild? So yes I will attempt to trend down the smoking, have found in the past that " cold turkey " doesnt work for me, but if I go with the idea I can have one if needed, then I usaully dont.....Guess a bad time to be correcting all the faults in my life.....while missing him terribly!

With the above being said...Today I went down and picked up the roses,Cheryl generously donated to me! I loaded them in the jeep and cried......but good tears, I felt the positive energy around this wonderfull gift and it makes me feel so good! An the jeep sure smelled wonderfull, so this afternoon will start digging, for my new memorial garden for Mike......had a neighbor last yr told me that my yard looks gaudy.......I told him that is the look I was after, and besides before Mike got sick, strangers use to knock at the door wanting to pick some flowers! That would always make me feel good! But even though my garden always was theraputic.....it now doesnt have the same meaning.....I can feel Mikes energy around me, but cant see his smile and cant hear his favorite phrase, " This yard looks Bitchin! " I always loved it when he would say that! So this yr have hauled in alot of my planters, the flowers will be toned down this yr.....It is not the same now, and now I am taking care of the place by myself.....lonely feeling........

Yes Mike told me so........I always buy cheap, used....Mike always bought new, the arguement was you get what you pay for.......alot of truth to that, but since I was always poor, I bought what I thought was a good deal! Recently bought a used paint sprayer, it lasted 15 minutes, had it rebuilt and bought a new hose, proud of myself

for saving some $$, it broke again yesterday, I was covered head to toe with white primer!! And could hear Mike state " I told you so! " so now I went down to Lowes and bought a new spray gun, at this point i have saved 50 $ over buying a new one, the lost time!!!!! not worth the 50$, another lesson that there is alot of value in our time......so the next time Mike I will try...to remember that my time has alot of value, will try to post a pic of me covered in paint, actually it was comical, had to take 2 showers to get it all off!I actually feel Mike laughing at me!!! Nice feeling!!

well that is all that is happening in AZ, hope everyone is taking care......Dave

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You're in the same boat as me! I had quit cold turkey and was doing great. I started smoking the day of Deric's funeral. I limit my count, but I can't stop the habit. But I believe in you! Have you tried those electric cigarettes? Maybe those might possibly work.

I think I jumped back into the habit thinking, "Well death is clearly in evidable. Who cares?" I guess is just the anger part of grief.

But if you decide to quit, I'll throw in the towel too. Here for support if needed :)

I'm so glad you're going to begin working on your garden. It's very distracting. Basically artwork. Speaking of which, can't wait to see the photo of the painting mishap. Haha.

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went outside to use my new paint gun, it is beautifull, working great but got clogged, no big deal, as I was trying to clean it up i hit the trigger paint everywhere again in my face up my nose, wow I have painted thousands of times.......guess all I can do is laugh, and be thankfull I am not a cop, who knows what my reaction times would be with a real gun!!! will have to have the neighbors take another pic!! Dave

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Dear Dave.

I really like the roses, I am so happy that your were able to get them. You have a very nice friend in Cheryl, donating all those roses for you. I know how hard it has been for you without Mike. You sound like Pauline and I, I would get nothing for myself, but yet would have bought the world for her. She would always tell me not to so cheap, and if I needed it to get it.

Well today I went to the eye doctor, first time in 10 years. I always made sure she went every 2 years. Same glasses for 10 years. My right eye is still 20/20, my left eye has changed a little. I got the best lenses I could get and spent $595 in all.

As far as smoking, they say nicotine is harder to quite than heroin. I would never know because I have never smoked, or ever done heroin. I know it is hard though. Pauline's mother quite for over 12 years. When they told her she had stomach cancer, she started again, and smoked until the end. I wish you luck. I will pray for you. I hope someday you will find peace again. Until then just one day at a time.

God Bless

Dwayne

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good news! just came in from the heat, warm one here today, but better then before.....feeling physically better guess the sun is baking whatever out of my body, after a awhile found my painting technique returning, My mind was off Mike and was able to concentrate on something else!!! Feels good to take a break from this, andI know thats what Mike wants me to do....dave

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Dave,

Okay, we want to see pictures!!! We could use a good laugh. :) Thanks for sharing with us. And it's neat that you are still learning from Mike, even after he's gone, remembering the things he said and applying them. Let him continue to inspire you, and also your little niece and nephew.

I'm not a smoker but I've heard how hard it is to quit, seems to be different for everyone. I have one sister that has to be on oxygen and the doctor wanted her to quit but instead she now limits herself to ten a day and with her oxygen machine now her lung capacity is at 96%, which is great considering she nearly died 15 months ago!

My George was a smoker and he managed to cut his smoking 90% by going to filtered lights, only smoking 1/2 cigarette, throwing the rest away, and cutting back the number of cig. he smoked. I applauded his efforts. In the end he died anyway at barely 51 years old...perhaps if he'd stopped sooner, but who knows, maybe with his genetics it just would have happened. We can only do our best with the hand we're dealt.

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My husband and I had promised to quit smoking before our grandson was born, we had started the process of quitting right before Harv passed away. Now, I find I have no desire to quit. When I'm home alone, it seems my smokes keep me "company." Stupid, I know. I'm like Dave, I hate the smell and everything related to the stinky habit. I feel so guilty that I have broken my promise to our son that I would quit, he's very understanding, and never preaches to me about it but I know he's concerned about the health risks that come along with this addiction. To Stacyine, my husband and I had quit last year for a month and he brought some ecigarettes home and all that did was make me want a real cig and I started smoking again. Hope everyone had a peaceful weekend. Love, Pam

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So understand the smoking. Mike and I had quit for over 20 years. After he died, I started back up, sort of a what does it matter attitude. A few week ago on Mike's birthday in August, I quit, and did fine for about 5 weeks, then my friend Tom (who quit in July) left for a fishing trip to the Amazon, and I was lonely, (we eat together several times a week and visit) and I was really missing my morning cig. with coffee. Thought I could just have that one a day. WRONG....so now, when this pack is gone I am going to try to quit again. Maybe this time I will be smart enough not to give in to the myth that I can stop at one. The morning one was really the only one I missed when I was not smoking, but when they are in the house, I don't stop at that one. I then have to have one or two with my wine at night, and sometimes a couple in the afternoon sitting on the porch.

Mary (queeniemary) in Arkansas

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