For Today.....

[dave s]

Today I woke to a phone call, an old friend's wife had just passed back in Montana....44 yr old victim of Breast Cancer........Mark has joined our group now...This lead to some more reflecting on what this yr has brought at the Smith/Collins house hold. Days of despair, not knowing who I was, days i didnt care if I lived or died. days filled with such anger and hate for Mike and those around me who just dont get it, and who had such unrealistic expectations for me. Days that were spent physically working so hard around the house just to forget the pain. Days spent glued to facebook or the phone just so I could hear others tell me I wasnt crazy. All things Mark will go through in this journey, of finding some peace.....

I will continue to try to get ahold of Mark to offer support, encouragement.......to allow him to cry if needed....whatever he needs to do.......for I get the heartache. This has allowed me to reflect on what I have been through this yr, move the love of my life in with me, never expecting that he was terminal ( although I believe he knew he was, he was in such denial as I was when I learned of it ), provide all care for him.......then to have my life destroyed as I knew it. Although changed my work routine, I was able to return to work, keep up the house so far......survive episodes of strep throat, stomach flu, colds, and such anger for many ....I am surviving, to have the desire to rebuild, date again........do what would make Mike continue to be proud of me!

Today I will plant one of the roses Cheryl gave me a beautifull red Don Juan climber, have found the perfect spot for it, last night I remembered coming home each eve. to see Mike smiling and standing at the kitchen window, We have a driveway around the front and back of the house and I always parked out back to greet the dogs when I would return home, when mike got sick I stopped parking out back.......and realise, that I have never returned to that parking spot......now know that the kitchen window is my favorite spot to remember Mike, his smile and his eagerness to see me when I got home, it is the window where the cardinals showed up the day after he died, it is where I see the doves take refuse on our property.......it must be dove season.they know they are safe here......i will plant this rose on the white picket fence in the back yard clearly visible from the kitchen window......it will remind me of Mike and the beautifull gesture Cheryl has provided....and as time continues when I see the rose, I hope I can remember and be comforted that out of something so horrible.......something beautifull can grow........Dave

[kayc]

Dave,

I'm sorry your friend Mark is also going through this, it's something we all wish no one had to go through. I'm sure you'll be a real comfort to him in the days to follow. I had a friend go through it about three years after I did, and it does help that we've been there and know what helps and what doesn't, although the journey is unique to each of us.

And bless Cheryl for her sweet donation of roses, I hope they do real well there.