Old Feelings Of Insecurities

[pbjb]

Hi everyone. I love this site! Maybe someone can relate to this. Although I would not wish it on anyone. It has been just about 5mos now. I feel stronger. But, I may have tried too soon to take this step. I thought I met someone that made me feel like everything would be ok. He was interested in me and I miss so much the companionship and laughter Jeff and I had. So I started commuicating this past week with this man and thought " wow I feel good again". We have much in common. Except the fact that I am widowed and he divorced for 16 years. Well, we haven't even verbally talked yet and I guess after he saw my picture(and I'm not unattractive) decided someone else was better for him. So all these silly highschool insecurities came back to haunt me. And I've been having abandonment dreams where Jeff is leaving me. Of course I understand the dreams and even understand that the opposite sex in any case will have different feelings until you meet the right person. But you realize how hard it is to be back into the single pool? It sucks! I talk to Jeff everynight. I know he wanted me to move on and I know in my mind he has to approve of whom I choose to be with. I myself know exactly what I want. And it is not to play games. At 50 years old I know you don't need a man/woman to be happy. But when all you want is someone to enjoy daily activities with why does it seem like your asking for too much?

[kayc]

Boy, you're asking the wrong person...I am the master at receiving rejection! Guess that's another reason I don't want to bother. Sure it'd be nice to have someone to spend time with, but there's no one out there like my George and I guess that's what I'd really want, so...I don't. Try not to take it personal cuz someone doesn't want you, we all have preferences and sometimes it takes a while to find the one with whom it's reciprocal. It's not a reflection of you, it's a reflection of their taste. After all, I'm sure you meet men you wouldn't consider. If you truly want someone, I hope you find what you're looking for. Just don't commit too soon, date LOTS of people before you settle into a committed relationship...I learned the hard way, now I have no inclination whatsoever to look for someone. Pay attention to red flags and proceed with lots of caution. You're right, going from safely married to suddenly single is a huge jump...and those who married young and for a long time may not be aware of some things they should...times have changed, now there's internet dating, it can be a new and scary thing. Ask some of your single friends for advice, get safety tips, etc. Make sure the other person exerts half the effort, not just you doing it all. Listen to your inner voice and pay attention to it. Be safe.

[HAP]

Dear Kay,

I don't remember the name of the thread where you wrote about what happened to you in that relationship, but I do remember reading it as a very important cautionary tale for those of us still in a vulnerable emotional state. It might be useful to some of our newer members to look at that post if you can remember the name of it.

Peace,

Harry

[dave s]

I recently after excessive prodding by Mikes family, have started to date, to me it actually is a great compliment to Mike, and I know he is smiling that I am making the effort to get out.......and try.........met someone that is really great, kind, understanding........but it has been awkward...to say the least.......for both of us, he doesnt know what to do with this widower at times, although in his defense he is honest about it and compassionate enough to at least give me some space, and he is very supportive of talking about Mike whenever, and he does respect the fact that I dont know what I am doing in a new relationship......but we have agreed to take it slow........he even talked to my grief counselor, recently, so another plus in his column.....but yes I know the insecurities of it all seems we after almost 30 yrs of leaving high school, would get past it.......but I guess we are still kids at heart! And yes HAP we are so vulnerable........Dave

[kayc]

Harry, I have written on here so much that I'm not sure which thread in particular you're referring to, but anyone can read about my heartbreak after remarrying...it is posted in the very beginning of "Loss of Love Relationships" because Marty so caringly started that section when a couple of us were going through having our hearts broken following being preyed on in our vulnerable state. It's enough to make anyone proceed with caution!

[HAP]

Dear Kay,

Marty really is a peach, as we used to say back in the day.

Peace,

Harry

[Dwaynecg]

Dear Patty,

I agree with Kay, it is to soon to settle for the first man to come along. Its funny you wrote this thread, because I have had 3 encounters with 3 different wemen. The first was at a small resteraunt- store I stop at when I go help Greg. Tuesday, was Greg's and Donna's anniversary. I kew they were out so I put a card I made for them in their mailbox. I was going to a hospice meeting in Raynham, MA. I stopped at th place and this young lady maybe 30, had always been very nice and smiled at me a lot when I would stop in. I did not see the same with the other customers. When she brought my dinner she told me her name and it was nice to meet me. Then on Thursday, I went to have my eyes checked and order new glasses. The woman that help me was in her early 40's and as she measured my eyes, she told me that I was very rare. I asked what she ment. She said my face is acemetrical, and that is why wenom find me attractive. It knocked my socks off. Then early yesterday I needed ne tires on my van. I went to Benny's, they sell tires and a lot more like a small K-Mart. I could see they were ready to pull out the van, and I needed a couple litght bulbs. I was paying for them and I had this feeling someone was starring at me. I looked and a young couple maybe 30 years old was behind me. The girl was looking right into my eyes, I smiled, then she smiled and gave a small wink. I don't know what is what. I have to get my nursing shool done and get a job. I have not even thought about dating.

I wish you the best and you will know when and who the right person will be for you. I am not young either I will be 57 on the 21st of this month.

good luck.

God Bless

Dwayne

[Susie Q]

It's a real dilemma. I don't want to be alone for ever and I don't want anyone else....Susie Q

[pbjb]

Thanks everyone. I got a scare today and decided to cool it for a long long while. guys can be creepy with these online dating sites. I told one after a strange chat that I decided I am just not ready for this. It was just another overwhelming thing that I do not need right now.

[HoneyImHome11]

My 3rd Grief Class this week hit on this topic very briefly... the question we have to ask ourselves " are we ready to risk, to open up our hearts again "? I had met someone new myself and in passing conversation, getting to know one another I was told this person had a bout of prostrate cancer and went radiation and chemo. I have to be VERY honest with you here, all I wanted to do was get up from the table and run for my life. I have just spent the worst year of my life losing my best friend and husband to melanoma and total fear set in. Our future holds no promises ... I realize that intellectually.

I know I am not ready and yet I miss the companionship so desperately had. I miss the conversations, the lively disagreements with my husband in the most profound way. I also know my husband would want to see me happy again, this journey into widowhood is certainly lonely. I also know it will take a special person to help me cross over this threshold and begin picking up the pieces of my broken heart with love again. I must live with that HOPE. I think when each of us is ready that door will open.

Peace to all,

Deb

redesign08.blogspot.com

[kayc]

Deb,

There's nothing to say we can't have male friends. We can share meals, conversation, play cards, go on hikes, watch t.v. (if we can find anything on). We can be there for each other, give each other rides, we don't have to enter into a relationship or "get involved" that way. After George died, the thought of spending the next forty years alone scared me. Now it doesn't. We have to give ourselves time to adjust, and it does take time. We have to realize there IS no one like the person we lost. By the same token, we can't be so afraid of going through loss again that we close ourselves off to possibilities. We all know that if we care for someone, at some point, one of us is going to experience loss. I've lost so many friends over the years, to moving, to death, but I don't want to close myself off from having a friend again because I might lose them or have to experience change again. It seems like fear is the worst reason in the world to do something...or to not do something.

[HAP]

There are two ways people go--though I think we all go through method one initially for at least a little while.

The first is what, as a newspaper reporter I referred to as growing callouses on your soul. If you deal with too much hurt there is a tendency to try to keep people at arm's length after a while so you don't get hurt. I think at first we all experience this if we lose someone close. I know I still have real caution about letting people get too close. I struggle against it some because I know it is not a good thing, but I still catch myself doing it periodically. Soldiers in WWI in particular suffered with this because so many of their friends died such hideous deaths.

In the longer term, those who really heal do seem to open up again to the possibility of letting others in. Like everything else, I suspect patience will bring us home. But it may be a long time before it happens.

Peace,

Harry