Depression - Overcoming It.

[Stacyines]

I honestly have great respect for those who have gotten so far along with grief.

I arrived in Los Angeles today. But instead of being as excited, I felt like crying hysterically. And of course, I detained myself from doing so.

Deric and I were suppose to be in Los Angeles in December. He was going to meet my mother and her family. And this weekend was suppose to be our planned New York getaway in Manhatten. We had booked the hotel and had arranged our trip. I'm so angry and so sad at the same time. My emotions are out of loop.

How did you all specifically manage to get through this stage?

[mfh]

Stacyines,

I appreciate your post. I have not gotten through that stage and suspect there will always be those times when i just want to have a melt down about something that trips off (ambushes) me. yesterday I tried once again to drive a lovely country road (a short cut to a place where i had a meeting). This road was the place I took Bill the last time we took an October color drive. The tears fell as i drove. I believe in embracing my pain so I will probably drive it again, perhaps pull over and just sit in the autumn color....I believe that by embracing the pain...I heal...VERY slowly but heal a bit each time. I am so sorry for your loss. It hurts in a way only those who have hurt that way can understand.

mary

[dave s]

Stacyines,

How did you get to this stage? Dear, I think this is part of it, I enter different places in our home and it hits me, and I cry, I recently went on a day road trip to Prescott and Jerome, it was a wonderfull day......but this was the trip Mike and I were to take, and plenty of tears flowed..........I understand.......Please take care and keep us posted on how you are, and your trip. Dave p.s. wish I knew why this computer keeps changing fonts, it was Mikes he must be playing with me! lolol.......

[HAP]

Dear Stacyines,

There is no magic to get you through this. Any place you have been together--any place you planned to go together--has the potential to ambush you.

Let the tears come when they will. Holding them back seems, at least for many of us, to make them worse later. Be patient with yourself. Healing comes in baby-steps. Sometimes it seems those steps are so small--and the knock backs so great--that at best we are going nowhere--and at worst we are going backwards. But then we look up, sometimes months later, and are amazed at the distance we have come.

Remember to eat, to stay hydrated and to breathe. There is nothing magic to it. There is only living second by second until you can handle minute by minute. Then minute by minute until you can handle two-minutes at a time, then three minutes, then four minutes. Sometimes things will move forward quickly. Sometimes they will move slowly. Sometimes you will feel you are going nowhere or backwards. But even the backward steps simply lay the groundwork for future growth.

Be patient. We got through these first weeks and months. You will, too.

Peace,

Harry

[kayc]

Stacyines,

Your question is a good one. I remember that time, even though it was over six years ago, like it was yesterday, it stands out in my mind because it was one of the hardest times I've experienced.

One of the things that helped me was taking my power back in ways that I could (I felt a loss of power when George was ripped from me with no input from me as to what I wanted!) One of the things I could do was to take care of myself physically. It not only restored my sense of power, but it helps your brain, and it also helps you feel better to eat well and get regular physical exercise.

I also took great comfort in my pets. I read a study a while back that said when we pet our dogs we get the same endorphins released as when we take care of our babies, I hadn't known that, but it actually makes a person FEEL better!

I learned to take one day at a time. Sometimes even that was too much and I had to break it down to an hour at a time or a minute. I tried not to look at the whole rest of my life because that would be biting off more than I could chew. Yes we have to plan for our future to some extent, but in the early grieving days, it seems best to stick to the time at hand.

It's good not to make big permanent decisions...we have to recognize and realize that our brains are super-taxed at this time and may not be up to snuff, so to speak. Our brains have been jolted to the extent it may change us indefinitely...that is not necessarily a bad thing or a good thing, it just is. How can we come through so much and not expect to be affected by it? And I had to learn to be gentle and understanding of myself, recognizing I'd been through a whole lot.

I learned to stand up for myself...when people said/did stupid things, I grew some more backbone and spoke my mind...trying to be sensitive and tactful where I could, but learning to be outspoken where I had to be too. (Some people let tact go right over them and you have to be more blunt with them).

I had to learn to accept help. There were some things that George did that are beyond my ability and I had to recognize that. As someone recently wrote to me, she stated she had to learn to do what she could and let go of the rest. That applies particularly to us widowed homeowners that don't have the brawn or aptitude for certain tasks around the place. I've learned there are some widows that appreciate a home-cooked meal and some of us who appreciate someone fixing something around the house and we can help each other out as friends.

Most of what I remember of that first year is a fog...I remember feeling frantic and scared, hurting, angry. I came to realize that you will experience the whole gamut of emotions and all of them are understandable and valid and something to be gotten through. I learned to do my grief work, that there is no way to circumvent it, no way to avoid it, that you can try but in the end it will still be waiting for you and haunting you...so it's okay to vent, okay to cry, okay to scream, okay to withdraw, okay to avoid, okay to do whatever you have to do to get through this moment and it will change from time to time and you'll pass through different phases, and you'll have so many emotions, some of them conflicting...all of that is okay and as Marty has said, we all experience our own journey differently and do what is best for us.

Oh and as some have pointed out, and as I have observed in others, drowning your sorrow in alcohol or drugs or even another relationship does not ultimately seem to help anything...in the end, the grief is still there to be dealt with.

And that's what we're all here for, we're here for each other and to go through it together. My hugs and best wishes to you. I like that you have a goal, to turn this to a positive by becoming a suicide advocate...it may take time, but what a good goal to realize! As so many here have stated, helping others is a positive for those grieving.

Kay

[Dwaynecg]

Dear Stacyines,

I think that Kay has said it all. Sometimes it is minute by minute that we survive, Then maybe hour by hour. Don't expect to much now. Your emotions are all over the place, like we all were and still from time to time still is. Yesterday, I was helping Greg with hi yard work, and I mean he has a lot of yard front and back. 2 other of his friends stopped by. I got Greg to go in his house to rest around 2. Me and the other 2 guys finished clean the yard up. I had brought lunch, up for everyone. Then while we all were eating some said something that reminded me of Pauline. The tears came out. They all said, if something one of them said hurt me that, they were sorry. I told them no. It is just the grief hitting me again, and I am ok, I need the tears to flow. We all do, so just do not try to rush the grief. Let it flow like the ocean waves. Sometimes they are small, then come a storm and the are huge, swallowing you up. Rest assure we are all her for you. We all lost the love of our life.

God Bless

Dwayne