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I knew this was going to be hard... going to Grief Class. I've been trying to shuffle all my emotions into boxes, taking them out when I could deal with them (my kind of control). It works for me to get by my world in a useful way or I probably would be licked up by now. Anger being the most driven one and useful.

Soooooo... Use your imagination as I paint you a picture of what we did in class, as an artist it is how my brain holds information. I am standing in a room and above my head are many words:

Anger, Hope, Longing, Lonliness, Crying, Despair, Regret, Guilt, Remorse, Depression, Isolation, Anxiety, Fear, Worry, Panic, Insecurity, Alienation, Relief... these are just a few of what I feel everyday. So it makes sense now there are days I just don't know how to explain to someone how I am doing. I am all over the place.

"Time"... is the "Softening"... time will allow my heart to open again IF (risk) I allow it (control).

Soooooo... picture this if you along with me... "ET, come home". Do you remember ET's "Heart Light"? His heart would light up expressing his depths of love and feeling.

That is my goal, that is the picture I have placed in my head and my heart. It is my husband's gift to me.

Assignment from class: (and this is when I pretty much lost it).

We are to write a letter to our loved one who passed on.

- me... the one who never breaks down in public did crack.

Peace to all,



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I wrote a letter to mike, when I was at the point that I could have killed him for what his death did to me, I was so angry and hatefull, couldnt stand myself!! It did help me alot, I know of those that write letters frequently, and great! I just journal....now it does help me! Take care! Dave

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Dear Deb,

As I said before I got and still get a lot out of my grief group meetings. I go to one every week. It helps to open up with people who are where you are, or have already been where you are at now. I encourage everyone to find a group you like. The first 3+ months I could not get through a meeting without crying. I am much better now. The one emotion I never felt, like I hear, and read is the anger. I could never be angry with Pauline. That is not part of my make up. I hope you find, a great benefit from you group. Mine is always open. It is not one of the six week ones I have read and heard about. For me it helps going every week. Some do not.

I wish you the best Deb, hang in their.

Dave, If witting helps you that is great. I am witting a book about Pauline and her life growing up and the horrible things she had to endure in her life, until we were brought together. I gave her the life she disserved and wanted so bad, Just to be loved.

God Bless


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I have a file in my computer called "letters to George", it's ongoing, I write to him whenever I feel the need to. It consoles me that somehow he might know what I write...I know, it may be silly, but don't tell me otherwise, leave me in my ignorant bliss, it helps me all the same.

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