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The Funeral For Chris's Mom

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Went to my first funeral since I have imbarked on this journey, the road construction was so bad that a 1 hr trip turned into 1hr 45 min! I gave some thought of turning around and going home, but was committed to Chris to be there. Fortunately it was standing room only and he wasnt aware of my tardiness and it was over within 30 more minutes including a grave side service. At which point Chris saw me and waved me over to meet the family, Chris was obviously upset, and I gave him a hug. I held it together until I saw his dad, the look of desperation, fright,just plan scared to... death was written all over his face, the same look I have had for weeks and months, explained to him that I recently lost my spouse and was placed on the same journey as he...and encouraged him to utilize all services available through hospice for ongoing care for himself and his family....it was almost like a look of relief came over him for a brief second, like he was thinking.......someone understands! I was asked to come to the family dinner,WOW, guess I really did make an impact! I explained that I already had other obligations and to call me whenever needed......

I then walked out of the cemetery, while crying myself......out of the corner of my eye I saw, a gravestone with the name Michael Collins on it, just strange to me that that happened, although not really, Michael Collins, is a fairly common name........but non the less.......I stood there for a few minutes and cried......then all of the sudden the tears stopped........I was able to smile, guess he was with me....and was able to make it home thinking along the way......I really am not scared of death, I accept death as the natural order of life, in many ways death can be a beautifull thing.............except for what it does to us survivors. I really do get what everyone says about going on to a better place where you hurt no more........but cant help but question what are our loved ones are thinking after they have passed......I cant help but believe that they are also upset....upset about leaving us behind.......

In route to home I stopped off at my favorite store Lowes to get some paint for the on going painting here.......after I got the paint I went to the garden section and wandered, my old friends there saw me and told me that there suppliers got in trouble by the state for not putting the correct sizes on the containers and everything was on sale, I wandered there for 2 hrs, looking at different plants and what I could do with them, I could have bought every plant they had.......but no space, finally settled on a few.....a flowering Magnolia tree......should be really pretty.......now the next question....do I put some of mikes ashes in with this tree.....even though I really dont think I will stay in Arizona much longer, if I leave the property, how can I expect someone else to care for this tree that will have some of mike in it???

Something I will need to ponder.......and realize now that my time spent at lowes was not wasted time, it felt good to wander among the plants and think of something else...I guess cheap therapy! I work with helping people everyday........and rarely feel that it is appreciated........today I felt that just my short appearance there was of great help to Chris and dad.......it felt good.....

Everyone take care!! Dave

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Dave, I know that took a lot of courage to go to the funeral. I'm sure your presence and your words meant so much to Chris and his dad. I understand what you said about death. Before my dad and my Harv passed over, I was very afraid of dying, now, not so much. It's weird, because I have so many questions that can not be answered about what really happens when we die. But, I do feel that whatever happens, my Harv will be there to help me as he always helped me in this life also. Anyway, I hope you are able to rest tonight and have a peaceful weekend. Love, Pam

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It took courage and selflessness to put aside your own feelings and be there for Chris and his dad. It will mean much to them that you were there, they know that it is hard for you, and yet you did it. When we have to attend a funeral, especially the first few years, it's a huge trigger, just as going to the hospital can be. It was important for me to push through my own pain and just "do it" for those I love, and I'm glad I did.

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Dear Dave,

I know you had to dig deep to be there for Chris and his father. I also think that it helped you as well, It was very kind of you to offer your words, of encouragement to his father. It helped you both. I know for me when I help others, I get back 10 times what I give. It can be very up lifting for you.

I brought in 4 small trees that would never make it though the cold and snow this winter. I will give 2 to Donna and Greg, next spring.

Hang in there Dave, you are doing great, in getting back into live again.

God Bless


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