Feeling Lost.

[userfriendly_]

I don't know where to begin...my lover passed on the 3rd...we buried him the 7th...his birthday is the 1st of November...he didn't even make it to 26...

they absolutely butchered his funeral. it was in no way how he told me he wanted it. it did him no justice, no dignity. it was terrible, minus the fact that all our friends, and the friends he didn't get the chance to introduce me to, were great comforts.

I was with him for nearly six years. we had an intense, passionate, loving, though some times tumultuous relationship, full of deep emotional investment and compromise and all those good things.

he...ODd on heroin...after a year of being clean. so, just to be honest, he wasn't perfect, he was still human as ever. regardless, he was so intelligent. went to UT for biology and made it all the way through. he never backed down from us, even if I pushed him away if I was having troubles...he was absolutely dedicated to making sure I knew he loved me.

a friend said, "we all have these memories with Lee. and I think the reason why so many people have so many different things to say is because he was all about individulized time with people he was intrigued by and genuinely cared for, so it's great we all have different, wonderful, beautiful, funny stories to share with one another." and they're absolutely right.

I need to know other people's stories of how to get through this. none of my friends, while exponentially helpful and comforting, has lost someone they were with for so long and loved so intensely. someone, even though you're strangers...please, tell me where to begin. all I can do is weep and ask "why, why, why...?"

[terp8r]

Dear Userfriendly, I am so sorry you've had to experience this horrible loss at such a tender age. I lost my husband of 34 years this past July. I can not tell you how to get through this, because I do not yet know how to get myself through this. I thought my husband and I would grow old(some may think we are old together and have grandbabies and enjoy our senior years. Our first grandbaby was born 24 days after my Harv passed and he was so looking forward to teaching his grandson how to ride horses and doing many other things with him. I was 18 and he was 21 when we married, so we really grew up together. Anyway, there are some wonderful people on this forum who are further down the road of grieving than I. They are a wonderful, caring, non-judgemental group of people. I know they will all say. welcome to our club that no one wanted to join. Hope you find some measure of peace today.

Love, Pam

ps, my husband's birthday is this Wednesday, he would have been 56

[wmjsca]

Hi Userfriendly

I am so sorry for your loss, and as our other member mentioned, at such a young age. Don't worry...none of us is perfect and don't judge a cause of death...the main reason for us being here is to support each other. I can tell you that I went through the shock...at first that's really all to compare the feeling to. My love died last October, so the last year was spent in shock. I'm finally coming out of it a bit...I can tell you though--time is what you need now. Compassion from those who've gone through it and help from your friends. They may scatter after a while because after all the services and condolences, they do go on about their lives. It's us who have to rediscover what life will be. Try to find a grief support group, if you're ready for that. But be kind to yourself, get plenty of rest and take care of your health. Cry, cry, cry when you need to and know that the grief process takes TIME and it's different for all of us. Keep posting here, too. We'll be here for you and we understand the reason for asking the 'whys'. Take good care.

[kayc]

Userfriendly,

My husband told me three weeks before he died that he'd been using Meth. I knew we had a long haul ahead of us but he was getting counseling and trying to earn my trust back...he had a heart attack, we hadn't even known he had heart trouble. We were best friends for 6 1/2 years, married for 3 years 8 months of that.

I had a hard time after he died because he supported his habit by lying to me to rob our household account to pay for the drugs. I kept learning things but he wasn't around to get mad at or answer my questions or comfort me. It took me a couple of years, but I finally was able to incorporate the whole of the man and integrate it all...he wasn't perfect, but it didn't obliterate who he was and that was, someone who loved me with all of his heart and cared about me more than anything. He was generous, hard working, compassionate, fun, and I miss him with all my heart.

In the beginning I was in shock, I remember feeling frantic, but now I've gotten more used to living and being alone. But then it's been over six years for me.

[Dwaynecg]

Userfriendly,

I am deeply sorry for your loss. I lost my wife of 33 years to MS. The first couple months you do not know which way is up or down. I agree try to find a support group in your area. It does help, but like everything else. We go through grief in our own way, what has worked for one may not work for someone else. Just try to take care of yourself now. Keep coming back as often as you want. We have all been where you are at now. We will support you in anyway we can.

God Bless

Dwayne

[userfriendly_]

thank you guys for sharing your experiences...it's actually very helpful, and very nice to have insight and perspective from others.

I don't know how I'd fair in a group grief counseling setting, but I have considered trying to hunt down my old therapist from high school. she was awesome, and the one therapist I ever grew fond of and could talk to. so, there's that.

I had plans before all this, I wont back down now or anything but I think it'll take some time 'til I'm emotionally stable enough to function in society and get these things accomplished. (don't giggle) but Lee always pushed me (with love) to get my GED so I could go to a make up school, perhaps MAC Houston or through Sephora...and to learn to drive (uber afraid of cars, am I the only one? eff cars.) so, I know I do have things to look forward to, they're just not quite at arms length yet, if you will...

one thing I regret, though Lee always told me "regret is the most counter-productive emotion humans put themselves through"; is that we took photos of each other, but not enough. and not enough together. I'm thinking of making a small, private album I can link public to, I'm not sure flickr has that feature but I'll check it out. for now, I think I'll attach my favorite photo he took of me and a few more that were good too. I hope no one minds. (I can tell no one will mind, just sayin'.) he was quite good with a camera, it was some help that I consider myself an amateur photographer, hehe. but yeah. here's some of those, they're sweet photos.

the last one, of myself and our bunny Oliver, is a bit bittersweet to look at, because we both considered her our baby, since we never could get around to making our own. she died September 17th. he was the first person I called. made him so sad, he loved Oliver so much...heh

anyway, again, I'd like to thank all for the replies and personal experiences. I feel, well somewhat less lost. I'm still not quite there yet, and I'm still trying to be strong, but this has been a hugely immense help, and I was very skeptical about it at first. so thank you guys, for being nonjudgmental, for understanding. I can't be thankful enough for his friends, our friends, my personal friends, family, and this host of strangers online who have nothing but nice, sweet stories and things to say. thank you. x

[userfriendly_]

and I would reply to each individual, but some times I don't have the words, so to be fair, I thanked you all as a collective. that's all.