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What's Wrong With Me


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Hi All:

One step forward two steps back. Randy and I bought a minivan during his illness. Neither of us are "minivan" people but we purchased a luxury one and it was great and comfortable to travel to Florida in for his treatment. As his cancer progressed it was necessary for a walker, wheelchair,etc. Still this is hard to say... as three months prior he was golfing and very active, etc. Anyway, I bought another vehicle and have been cleaning out the van to go pick up the new one. I came across some of his meds, glasses and music he listened to at the last. He would drive into the woods and crank up the music. That was the only control he had over his life at the end. Anyway, cleaning the van out and finding these things has sent me over the edge again. It is tough and painful. I have also had to make the mental decision that I will have to put my 14 year old basset hound down. She was there day in and out with Randy during the whole illnesses and did not leave his side. She now is healthy as a horse, but is senile and confused. Very tough decision. When will this all get easier. Thanks for listening.

Becky

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Dear Becky,

I am so sorry that these things have set you back again. I understand, because, I still have Pauline's sunglasses and all her stuff still in our van. I have no intention of taking them out yet. I guess it just another step we all have to take at some point. Even all her clothes are still here. They are not in my way, so I just let them be.

Its funny you told us about him going into the woods and cranking up the music. Because my cousin and I use, to do the same thing in the seventies. We would go south of town to that park and picnic area off to the left about a mile or so out. That road took you down to the park, or we would go out by the interstate and set under one of the overpasses one a dirt road. You brought back a lot of memories for me. I know it doesn't help you though.

I just want you to know that I still have a very hard time with Pauline's personal things also. I think it is just a another reminder out the lost love we had.

God Bless, My Dear Friend Becky,

Dwayne

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Dwayne: It is Browns Park. After I will put our dog down I plan on taking some of Randy's ashes and Annabelle's ashes (our basset hound) and spread them in Brown's Park. We spent alot of time out there with the dog. It is only fitting to leave part of them there. The cleaning out of the van and the emotions was a complete shock... I wasn't anticipating the emotions with them. My grief counselor suggested that I make a vertical calender (he suggested even toilet paper) and write down the dates and even more importantly, the events that will trigger our emotions going wild. We all anticipate the birthdays and anniversaries being tough but after doing so I thought about some of the other events that I will have a hard time with. One is March Madness basketball.... again we are from Kansas so we are always KU basketball fans and watched many basketball games together in March or all season for that matter. Even in treatment while he Florida he used to get so mad because he could not get KU basketball on television and finally had to subscribe to it on the internet. I will hopefully be prepared for that one. Another one is the Masters golf tourney. We were watching it all weekend before he passed on Tuesday. I really never thought about the events that trigger it but the van sure did. He would be right there cheering me on for buying a new vehicle. He loved his vehicles.!!! Thanks so much for always being there for me Dwayne. You are a very special person.

Becky

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Becky, someone on this forum recently wrote about how we all have so much in common. I, too, am dreading the start of basketball season, especially March Madness. We loved to watch the games, our Oklahoma women's team has been a lot of fun to watch these past several years. We also loved watching our Sooners play football also. I just don't care to watch this season. Sometimes I wish we all lived closer to one another, can you imagine the support and and warmth we would get from each other? I hope you have some peace this evening.

Love,

Pam

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Dear Becky,

That's it, Browns Park, even when we were young kids, I remember going out there. My Grand Parents Greenouh lived close to the park. Boy did we have fun. When you head south out of town, the first right on the dirt road, was where my Mother's Uncles Dude Kolling lived, the first farm on the left. I cannot count the number of times they would move everything up to the second floor. because the Smokey Hill rover was flooding the land. I took Pauline out there one time the had a pig roast, and after eating then they had the water melon seed spitting contest. Boy those were the days.

Becky, you are welcome, that is what makes this place work, we are all here for each other. I do have that connection with you though, Pauline always like the Fall back here. We would take drives on the back roads to see the sights of the fall colors, and now the leaves are changing again. It makes me miss her more. I will try to find the photo of Pauline holding one of the Helping Hands Monkeys. This picture was taken in the Fall with all the colors behind her with this small water fall from an old grist mill. If I can find it I will post it.

God Bless, Becky take care my friend,

Dwayne

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Becky,

I'm sorry it's been so hard for you. I remember cleaning out George's car and it was really hard but I think the hardest thing for me was cleaning out his trailer. He lived in it during the work week because of the distance to his job, and it was full of his things, it seemed so much him!l I literally wailed loud enough to be heard down the street when I cleaned it out. In retrospect, I wish I'd waited until I could have my daughter or someone with me to do it, it was way too hard.

I'm also sorry to hear about your dog. I had to put my 14 year old dog down because she was having a lot of problems and it was the same week my husband chose to leave me, it was very tough. Sometimes double whammies are really hard but somehow we survive them, I guess that's about all we can ask for. I'm glad you have a beautiful park where she can rest in peace.

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