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Someday I Will Read Those Letters Again...


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Grief Class # 5

Your Loved One's Letter To You...

I have been very lucky in this respect as I did not have to pretend to find words that my husband might say to me. I have my box and his box filled with cards and love letters written with passion expressing love, anguish, unsureness, you name it. I met my husband during a Halloween party and was losing my job at the time so I was forced to take a new job elsewhere. My husband and I spent our first year and a half learning about each other/dating/commuting 5 hours away from each other. Every other weekend one of us was traveling, we did this until we knew for sure the time was right for each of us as we wanted to commit to each other for the rest of our lives. So I moved back to Oregon, found another job and the rest is history. When I look back on those times, those exhausting weekends filled with the most intense emotions I could ever know or would ever feel as we filled every minute we could with the kind of love and commitment you can't always find in any other way. Someday I will read those letters again, find solace in his words, comfort in the sound of his voice as I remember it vibrating throughout my body.

But not today, not yet.

I found this picture I have attached for all of you to see as I was doing my assignment for grief class this week. It expresses visually what I cannot always express out loud or on paper. My husband's last letter/note to me was a request by me that he write me something I could post on my blog that reflected his viewpoint to share with family and friends. It is the most valuable letter in my box today. It is not a mushy letter, it does not say the "I love yous" that I long to hear from him today but it comes straight from his heart. I pulled it from my blog about a month ago and reworked the template but saved the letter/note. I'm glad I did... I reposted it with the picture as it gives new meaning for what we have and had together. And the picture... it expresses what I feel when I write about our lives together during our lives together, his illness and during my stage of grief now.

He lost his words when the melanoma metastasized to his brain in the end 3 tumors took that gift away from me. His writing and speaking, his laughing, his way with me disappeared slowly until the man I knew was no longer. My heart will never forget but I have to believe his light will lead me forward.

Peace to all.

Deb

redesign08.blogspot.com

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Dear Deb,

That is just perfect. I will have to visit your blog. I have been meaning to for a long time now. Pauline saved all the cards and letter I had written her over the years, I us to write her a little poem every morning when I was up at 4 and getting ready for work. She saved those also. Like you some day I will read them again, but not now. They are all in her dresser with all her clothes and other things of hers. Right now they are fine just being there. I find it way to early to start going through her things right now. If I was forced to I would have to, but as of now the sit and wait for the day or days when I am ready to go through her belongings. I may be doing good but not that good yet. Take care Deb.

God Bless

Dwayne

The Best and Most Beautiful Things in Live, can not be Seen or even Touched. They Must be Felt with the HEART!!!!! Helen Keller

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Dear Deb,

I read your post three times. First, I am so sorry you have lost your husband. I am so glad you have all the letters and cards and I understand all they mean to you as I have a large basket chest filled with the same...poems, love letters, pictures.... I also watched as Bill could no longer use words as Alzheimer's took over his brain. All that was left were his beautiful blue eyes as he looked deep into mine. I, on occasion, will open that basket and read some of his poems, looks at the pictures to remember moments in our 36 year history. The last years were filled with Alzheimer's so reading his poems and letters and looking at happy memories helps me though I sob as I do that.

You were blessed with a phenomenal relationship...so was I..making it all the harder to lose it..but grateful that we had it.

The picture you posted is amazing....just amazing. Says so much more than words. Thank you for sharing. Your blog is also amazing and healing for you and others.

Peace to your spirit,

Mary

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That picture is amazing. I'm glad you have his letters. I wish in a way that I had mine but I didn't keep them because they are all in my heart and they were meant for me, not others...I did not want anyone else reading them after I'm gone, they were private. I did keep his cards and treasure them. George and I started our relationship out by writing...he'd responded to a letter I'd written to the editor and we corresponded back and forth before meeting...he was very articulate and a gifted writer. At one time I had about ten inches thick of letters from him. I was also afraid if I kept them, I would be tempted to live in the past, it would be easy for me to dwell on what we had and another time, another place would consume today. I realize most of you might choose differently, but we have to do what we have to do to survive this the best way we know how, and that way is sometimes different for all of us.

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Thank you for all your support. This grief class is structured, lessons given to learn how each of us grieve. There is no right or wrong way to grieve and that is all I know for sure. It is nice to know what I do learn and write about might become valuable to others and that is why I find my blog such a comfort. Living life, discovering who I am without my husband is very painful but with all this support (you) just maybe one day I will be able to beathe without that 100lb. weighter on my my chest. I also need to start exploring my feelings for my mother about her passing since it happened 9 days before my husband. My heart and mind have totally shut down emotionally concerning her... I'm sure it's for my survival.

Halloween is in a couple of weeks... an anniversary hump. My goal is go to 1 haunted house with a friend... it's been so hard since September. I am so used to having our yard decorated in life sized monsters by now the quiet at home is killing me.

Peace to you,

Deb

redesign08.blogspot.com

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I'm glad you're making plans for Halloween. George loved each and every holiday, season, event, it's kind of hard going through them all without him, he just had so much zest for life that it seems flat without him. I hope you have a good time with your friend!

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