My Life Is Gone

[dhaberdash]

I have read many of the postings on this site and recognize that there are people out there that feel the way I do, That helps me a great deal. I am sorry if all of this is melodramtic and depressing, it is not meant to be. I just feel so lost and alone I don't know what else to do but write my story. My dog, haberdash, was my life and soul. He was 9 years old when he passed away 2 days ago...much too short a life in my opinion.

He was diagnosed with bladder cancer a month ago and we had put him on several medications which seemed to be helping. I even had an herbal vet visit with him and prescribe herbal remedies that seem to have helped.

Two days ago I came home from work and fed him his special meal (that I cooked for him every night after he was diagnosed with the cancer)..he LOVED to eat and he was very hungry that evening. And then I took him on a walk to a park a little over a mile away to play ball...something else that he LOVED. He was so happy and seemed like his old self...I was sure he was going to live for another year. On the way back from the park I noticed his leg dragging on the ground and I thought maybe he had sprained it when playing ball, I picked him up and tried to carry him but he was too heavy for me so I put him back down on the ground to see if he could finally walk on his own. THat was when I noticed both his back legs were flacid and unusable. I tried running back home with him in my arms, but he was so heavy I had a very hard time. When I finally did get back my husband and I took him to the emergency vet. We waited some time for the vet to see us and he told us that there were options...we could operate (very painful and no guarantee) or we could just wait and see if he re-gained the use of his legs over the next few months. With the bladder cancer this option was nearly impossible, because he was already struggling to urinate everyday and this would just make it that much harder. Plus he loved to run and play and the only things he could do after this is lie on his side, I decided that putting him to sleep was the most humane option.

The vet gave us a few minutes with him and I held him in my arms and told him how much i loved him and what a good boy he was. He didn't want to die...he was very scared, but he still wanted to live, I just know it was unfair to keep him in this state. I remember watching him as the injection filled his body and he became peaceful. He released a final loud sigh and the doctor said that was the end,

I have not been able to function since then..I want to die and I am not being melodramatic. I have never felt so bad, even when my father died i was able to hold myself together. My life will never be the same without him...he was honestly the ONLY GOOD THING i have and now he is gone. What can we do when we are faced with this time? How can i continue to live and love? Right now I am just a shell and I have nothing to offer anyone, even my husband. I have decided to stop eating and let nature takes its course. I no longer care about living. I am hopeful that if there is a dog heaven I will see him someday, although I don't usually believe in that stuff, I find myself needing it to be true.

Why does it have to be this way? I really don't understand this life sometimes. I know all the stuff people say is true..." you have to lose to love more..." death makes us appreciate life", but honestly I don't care one damn bit about all that. I just want to come home and see haberdash waiting for me at the door... just want to wake up at night and feel him nuzzling my hand if he needed to go out, I want to see his beautiful face and smell his stinky breathe. But my life is gone and now I am left to live again...but I have decided that I can't.

[Eliza]

Dear Haberdash's Mom,

I am so terribly sorry to hear about the loss of your sweet, wonderful friend! It must have been so heartwrenching to go through what you did with him! I understand what it feels like to feel utter despair at the passing of a loving, devoted friend. I'm not sure how much help I will be to you, but I'll try.

I, too, lost my best friend and soul mate four weeks ago. Winnie, my nearly 17-year-old calico kitty, had sudden complications from cancer and I had to make the heartbreaking decision to humanely end her suffering. It was the hardest decision of my life, yet somehow it felt like the only one I could make. I hope very much that you are not feeling guilt about helping your darling boy when he needed you to be strong and wise for him. You did exactly what you had to do for him and it was done out of love and kindness. I am positive that he is grateful for the release from a body that had let him down. I am equally positive that his spirit lives on and is waiting for you, healthy happy and whole, in Heaven. I have previously had trouble believing in the afterlife, but certain things have happened since Winnie's passing that give me all the proof I need that she's still out there watching over me and that we will be together again.

I don't think your posting was melodramatic. I understand that that is exactly how you feel and you should tell people how much you're hurting. I also felt the urge to let go of life after I lost my beloved girl. Life seemed so completely pointless, and worse than pointless because it seemed like an endless line of further pain and loss and sorrow. I didn't want to live without Winnie! I had lost every reason to smile or feel hope. But the good news is that that feeling has lessened over the past month. I still feel it sometimes, but not all the time. Part of what has given me comfort and hope for the future is a book called "Animals and the Afterlife" by Kim Sheridan. It's filled with stories of people's beloved animal babies visiting them after passing. Again, I may not have given these stories much credence before I lost my Winnie, but now I understand their worth. There is no reason in the world to believe that they CAN'T be true. And I have come to believe fully that they are.

I'm glad you found this site. It's important to tell our babies' stories, and it is important to be reminded that there are others out there who feel exactly like we do. I can assure you that you are not the only one who doesn't want to keep living when they lose someone so beloved. But, it is such a wonderful honor to the memory of Haberdash and the love you share to continue living and loving as fully and enthusiastically as he did! (Of course, getting to that point can, and probably will, take quite a bit of time.) But remember that the bond of love that you share with Haberdash has not been broken. You will always be connected by that bond.

I hope you can find some moments of peace as the days progress. The journey through grief can be very long, but you will get through it. You will never stop missing your sweet boy, but the memories of the time you shared here on Earth will start to make you smile again. And if you can come to understand that you WILL see him again in time, then I hope you'll be able to see that life continues to be worth living.

Please take care of yourself. Your heart is wounded and you need to be gentle with yourself. Nothing will make the pain go away entirely, but keep taking lots of deep breaths, allow your husband and the rest of your family and friends to give you the comfort they can, and take it an hour at a time. And believe in miracles, because anything ... ANYTHING is possible.

(((Hugs,)))

Eliza

[rabiahlily]

Beloved Friend:

Making the decision to end Haberdash's suffering must have been such an agonizing time. The fact that it didn't give you much time to prepare is difficult, so the preparation begins now, after his death. Thankfully for him, you had enough love in your hearts to help him end his suffering. You can rest assured that he is lovingly watching over you with great thanks in his heart.

When something like this happens it's very difficult to understand, and you find yourself trying to prepare your heart for this great loss which it just doesn't want to comprehend. As you struggle to heal your aching heart, please remember the love from this gentle boy, who is still with you, just without a body. It's OK to feel his presence, to talk to him, to smell his fur and even his stinky breath!! The feel of his nose nuzzling your hand, for instance, is one to savor, to record in your memory of 'good' experiences, so that when you are grieving you can pull this 'good' memory out and let it make you laugh. We humans are such intricate creatures -- we get so attached to our suffering that we imprint that in our minds and forget to imprint ourselves with the 'good' stuff. I'm guilty there myself. Dear One, I KNOW it's an effort to mindfully re-program your mind, but it's so important that you do that right now. Don't let your loneliness and sadness take away those precious moments -- if you don't imprint them now, believe me, they will be gone forever...

Have a memorial for Haberdash -- even if it's just you and your husband, or even by yourself. Do something that will remind you of him every time you look at it or think of it. Read my post "The agony of death" about my Rosie and see what I did in her honor that has been so very helpful. You need to fill every moment right now, and to do so with love. What better way to fill it than to honor your pet?

I wish you all the best...

Rabiah Lily

[lovedoxies]

dhaberdash, I am so sorry for your loss, I know saying that may sound lame, but it's straight from the heart. I lost oldest dog in 2/2004(Oscar) and my second one in 2/2005(Itchy). I know what you're feeling. Please don't apologize for sounding melodramatic and depressing, when you write about Haberdash, it's part of the grieving process to express your feelings. This is the best place to do it. You took the best care of Haberdash that you could. I can tell that from what you wrote. I can also tell that you didn't want him to be unhappy anymore. You thought of Haberdash, before yourself. That's what pet lovers do. I struggled with the decision to put my dogs to sleep. They told me when it was ready. They both died of kidney failure. What I did after I lost Oscar & Itchy, I actually started reading books. There are tons of books about Coping with Pet loss. You might want to consider taking an online course, or joining a support group in your town(if one is available). Give yourself time to cry, miss him, and grieve. It will take time. I can look back at the good times, and remember with a smile, the time I spent with my "boys". I still miss them terribly. I don't think that will change, except if I had the opportunity, I would consider adopting another dog now. Unfortunately, for me that's not an option(I live with my parents & they don't want me to adopt another dog right now). What I choose to do is keep the memory of my "boys" alive, finish Nursing school, and then adopt a new dog. It's a hard choice. Please give yourself time to heal. Your life will get better. It will take time. Does your husband or other good friends understand the human-animal bond? You might be surprised to find out that theres more animal lovers out there, than you realize. Also, you might want to read the poem Rainbow Bridge. It's pet heaven, and I believe that my dogs, Oscar & Itchy are there playing with haberdash. They're no doubt chasing tennis balls, running in the sunshine, and no doubt eating. You're in my thoughts & prayers.

[Qalasdad]

Dhaberdash:

I have also lost my dog recently. She died of a sudden illness on September 27th. She was only eight years old. Qala was a chow/German shepherd/collie mix, very quiet, well behaved, mellow, and happy dog. I loved her like I loved no other, human, dog, or otherwise, and losing her so suddenly-overnight, literally-has just been totally devastating. I have not stopped crying. I'm stunned, broken-hearted, angry, and painfully lonely. I too feel like dying, and that my life has no meaning anymore. I'm nearly non-functional.

I don't know if hearing from another grieving (former) dog owner helps you or not. I do know it helps to talk about my feelings. My problem is that I don't have anyone close whose shoulder I can cry on.

You mentioned a husband, and that you felt you no longer had him, either. I don't know anything about that relationship, but if you have a husband or any other family or friends nearby, lean on them, hard. You need friends and family very much right now. Let them, no, MAKE them help you get through this. With the help of others, you will.

I am praying for you; please pray for me. God, how I need it.

[Guest Guest_lita_*]

On Sunday 11/20 I lost my Sandy Clarese, a half Cha Wow wow (I used to tell her) the love of my life. She was all I had; best friend, mom and child. No one was kinder than her. I am devistated and don't know how I will go onor even if I want to. The house is so empty. I hate to come home because she's not there. I can't eat because she's not there. I don't know how to cope/what to do/ how to live. Let me add that I'm a licensed therapist. I always knew this day would come. She (as we all) lived on borrowed time. I got her for $67.50 from a pound's "Infamous E list" and had to beg them to let me take her home instead of kill her. We had 7 perfect years together. She loved to fly. I'm sobbing. I can't go on.

[Maylissa]

Lita,

I am so very sorry for the loss of your Sandy Clarese. But I'm so grateful that you rescued her from an earlier, more certain demise and were able to give her, and she you, 7 more loving and loved years together.What a wonderful thing you did!

No matter our profession in life, when you love someone, the grief is much the same. It might help you to read some of Marty T.'s numerous articles about loss on this site, as she is both a therapist and a ( seasoned ) griever.

Please take some hope from all of us here that you can and will go on, though the way is so hard and dark, especially in the earliest phases of mourning. We are here to give voice to our intense feelings and thoughts, to help each other climb out of those holes of despair by listening, sharing and giving insight where we can....but mainly to support each other in our common heartache, one that is too often ignored or ridiculed by the world. But here...here we are blessed with and by others who truly understand how grievous the loss of a furbaby can be, in innumerable ways. If it helps, I understand how one, small creature can fill so many roles that are otherwise lacking in our lives. I consider that my own, my Sabin ( feline ), was my child, teacher, pal, soulmate, mother AND father figure at times and even a quasi-spouse at other times. To this day, I have a feeling that we must have been married in another lifetime. He was my rock.

When and if you are able, please come back to tell us more about your own furchild and how special she is to you.

Edited November 27, 2005 by Maylissa

[Maylissa]

Lita,

Since it looks like you're trying to reply here, I thought I'd give you a few pointers. If you click on the "add reply" button, and not the "Reply or +Quote buttons, you'll get a blank page to write on. If you click the "Reply button instead, you can quote only the sections you want quoted by using your mouse to highlight and then delete what you don't want quoted, as explained next. You can probably also go back and delete all or most of your attempted replies ( that only contain the quotes of my posting ) by clicking on the "edit" button on your postings, then click either the "full edit" or "quick edit" ( not completely sure what the complete one has, as I've not used it yet ) and then use your mouse to highlight everything you want erased, then use your "delete" button on your keypad to erase it all. Then click the "complete edit" button to resubmit the edited post....cuz I don't think this site has a strict "delete post" button, to make the operation faster. K? Hope that helps and that I've explained it properly! BTW, the edit buttons are hard to see as they're currently superimposed upon other writing underneath your post, so look carefully for them.

Maylissa

Edited November 27, 2005 by Maylissa

[Guest Guest_Lita_*]

To Maylissa and all:

I've been unsucessful in getting through. I hope this message shows up. I was given a gift when looking through Sandy Clarese's adoption papers from the pound. I must have been in denial all these years because I just learned that she was eight years old when I took her home. She had been on the infamous "E" list and was secheduled to be put down that AM. She blessed my life for seven years which means she achieved the ripe old age of 15, a good life for a dog. I have internalized a few things in the 10 days since she has been gone. The most important is that she wouldn't have wanted ANYTHING she did to make me sad. She'd have wanted me to focus on the gift of time we shared. Another thing I've realized is that she could have "said" the same things about me as I do her. I was her best friend through thick and thin. To honor her I will save another unloved, unwanted and discarded Sandy Clarese when the time is right. We have to go on because they loved us and would have wanted us to. Thank you. Lita

[Guest Blu_]

I've lost my best friend on November 10th. Her name was Sandi. She was a german sheperd/collie mix. We spent 24-7 together. She was always with me. I had her almost 15 years. Its hard to cope...knowing she'll never be here. I'm having a hard time dealing with her loss. I cry everyday for her and wish she was still with me. I've also made up my mind I will never have another dog. I can't replace her with any other. It would be like cheating on her. She was my baby girl....and always will be

Blu_

[Maylissa]

Lita,

I'm glad you managed to get a message through at last and it was good to hear back from you. While it doesn't make the pain any less, really, it also does somehow comfort, I think, to know our babies got to live their 'entire' lifespan, at least this is what I'm imagining it feels like. Having lost my boy several years earlier than what would have been normal, I only truly know the opposite, but I think this idea will offer me some respite when my girl's time comes, as she's now almost 19 ( which is around 100 in human years, give or take )as at least one can know their lives weren't cut short then. In any case, I'm glad that you seem to have found something good from finding out your darling's true age.

I also think your plan to rescue another precious soul is an absolutely wonderful way to honour your relationship with her. She's probably very proud of her mom! I wish I could say I'll do the same, but I don't know yet if I'll be able to. But it's something I aspire to. I think you've progressed so far, already! Don't hesitate to come back and share whatever you want or have to ( if you can get that darn post to work again! ), as this door's always open to grieving hearts.

[Maylissa]

I've also made up my mind I will never have another dog. I can't replace her with any other. It would be like cheating on her. She was my baby girl....and always will be

Dear Blu,

Let me express my sincere sympathies to you at this terrible time, for the loss of your dear Sandi. I relate to what you said about how you feel about having another furbaby, as I feel much the same. It is a tough decision for me though, as I know I'll feel guilty for not rescuing another soul in need, but we feel how we feel and neither decision is wrong. For me, I'm thinking I'd like to/have to start some kind of business that revolved around helping animals out ( most likely cats, as I know the most about them and totally 'get' them ), like fostering them or cat-sitting in my own home, volunteering my help to my friend's no-kill home or something like that. I truly can't see myself NOT having cats in my life somehow, for the rest of my days, but don't think I can emotionally handle the sorrow of losing my own again...as I still have one to go and I'm afraid her passing will kill me, even if it doesn't.

My biggest hurdle might be my husband, as he thinks he's going to just put his foot down and not allow me to follow my heart! He's seen how my babies' health issues and our one loss so far has given me so much anguish, and how our lifestyle has been changed to accomodate their conditions ( by our choice, though ) and just doesn't want to repeat that. However, I don't think he's realized that my very spirit may well shrivel to nothing without a furry soul for me to love. So we'll see. It's certainly not a black and white issue.

Having said that, it's so very hard to lose our beloveds and every person here who's gone through or is in the process of going through this incredible and often unaccepted pain knows how much our hearts ache and burn, wishing we could turn back the hands of time and change things to avoid this sorrow. We're all here to give and receive support in our times of need, so please come back and share what you like about Sandi, as our 'paws' are extended in kinship with you.

[Guest Blu]

Thank You Maylissa for your kind words. I realize I'm not the only person out there grieving for a lost pet..but some times I think others just don't understand and think its silly to be sad over a lost animal. They don't understand the closeness people have with their pets...because they've never had the "unconditional" love a pet gives to a person. Right now...my hub and I are trying to move on. We can't even talk about our dog Sandi to each other...but its very comforting for both of us...to know we have many friends that also miss her. She was such a good girl and loved anyone that came to visit us and had the love returned back to her from out friends. She is sadly nmissed by alot of people. Her name isn't spoken among us yet...because its still to fresh to everyone.

I will be back and thanks again. Here is my web site and a few pics of my baby. I haven't been able to look at it...its just to hard for me right now. http://www.angelfire.com/home/Audi/page3.html

[MartyT]

To honor her I will save another unloved, unwanted and discarded Sandy Clarese when the time is right. We have to go on because they loved us and would have wanted us to.

[Guest Sally's Mom]

Take a deep breath and shut your eyes and know that each day the pain will lessen. Always be glad for the joy you felt and let the sorrow out. my Sally died on 11/6.

[harlequin]

My deepest sympathies on the loss of your dog. I had to put my cat to sleep this Saturday, 12-03, and feel very much the way you do. His name was Harlequin and he was 10 years old. He had kidney disease since this July. He fought like the trooper that he was until the end. I can't believe he's gone. He was my best friend and it helped having him here when I had to put my cat Bagherra to sleep 3 years ago. Now I have no one, and since I live alone it's very difficult to deal with. The depression is brutal.

All I can say is...please try to hang in there! Hopefully life will get better for us someday.

[Debora]

My friend,

First, my condolences on the loss of your good friend. I just lost my sweet little pommie girl on Wednesday, January 4, 2006. I understand what you have been going through. I thought I was the only one who had feelings about wanting to die. I hope your doing better now. I struggle with her loss and ask "Why did she have to go this way?" I hope your pain is easing somewhat, now.