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Living With Loss On Sundays


mfh

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Living with loss on Sundays is torture....painful....if I choose to go somewhere...I miss him. If I choose to stay home alone...I miss him.

Sundays, like every day, are lonely and difficult.

Today I decided to stay home after a week that was busier than I like. I am tired of a lot of things right now including life. Though I have successfully distracted myself with updating my new website soon to be launched and with painting....those distractions did not last long enough and the remainder of the day has been torture....tears flow without apparent provocation...my gut is in a knot....I know why CS Lewis said he never knew that grief feels so much like fear.The entire week has been difficult...in fact. Starting a new one tomorrow does not feel much better...more like Everest again standing before me. I have fallen off another cliff and in front of me stands a wall I know I have to scale somehow someday. There are many pieces to this fall...approaching holidays, autumn days, Sunday, family stuff, the realization that no one can fill this void and more. The loneliness can not be alleviated by anyone except Bill...I know that. It is not being alone...it is being lonely for Bill. Those are two very different experiences. Mary mfh

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Dear Mary,

If I could only be up on top of that cliff, to throw you down a rope and pull you back up into life again. I can only watch, and pray, and hope, that you can find the hand and foot holds to climb back up. I know Bill was your life, like Pauline was, and is mine. I missed her so much on my birthday. I did not see that coming either. I thought it would be her's on December 5, but no, the tears can and fell many times on that day. Grief is something we can never figure out. When we expect to be ok, were not. When we expect the worst was not. Maybe some day we will get to a place where the pain eases, and we can recall all the good memories, without tears flowing like a water fall.

I am here for you Mary anytime you need. I hope you know that. If you ever need someone to talk to, call, it is only 1 hour difference in our time. I would love to talk with you.

God Bless

Dwayne

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"It is not being alone...it is being lonely for Bill." Your quote says it all...I miss the days of support, the minutes of loves and the seconds of silence that were all so special. It is so hard going from all that we had to a life without our love. I wonder and marvel that those memories can give me such a feeling of warmth, but then the realization of the loss hinders what I do remember.

West

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Dwayne, yes, the cliff it pretty tall but as you know we do scale those walls and with support from folks here and in my life in Wisconsin...somehow we get to the top....of course, there is another one waiting but they get a bit easier with practice.

Yes, West...it is missing so many pieces of our life...first the person we love so much, the little things like Bill making me tea, inviting me to listen to Mahler or coming home with flowers...on and on the list goes. I have had trouble remembering lots of things...going through photos helps and I keep a list of memories in case I forget again. The memories are so precious.

We will make it somehow....and grow from it somehow.

Mary

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Dear Mary,

My birthday was Friday the 21. I thought I would do ok, but no I missed Pauline more on that day, than I ever expected I would. I don't know why, I was with my friends almost all day. Greg cooked for me, Donna had a cake, and sang Happy Birthday, but the tears, came and went all day. It was one of those big waves that crashed down on me, one that I did not see coming that day. Maybe it started with that yellow rose, I cut and brought home along my walk. They were Pauline's favorite color rose. It was like she was there just waiting for me to come by and see it. I just had to cut it and bring it home with me. I think she was really speaking to me that day, and I just missed her human contact so much. I have not had a day, like that for awhile. Grief is very unpredictable, and catches us off guard, then hits like a hammer. Splitting in two again, time after time.

I hope that this week is better for you. Take care my friend.

God Bless

Dwayne

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Doing better this week, Dwayne. Thank you. Mary

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