Lost My Baby Boy To Sids

[ForeverHudsonsMom]

It was supposed to be a great day. My first day back to work, Hudson's first day of daycare. He was a beautiful, happy, HEALTHY, 3 month old boy. When I dropped him off that morning and kissed him goodbye, he grinned his huge toothless grin at me. I found it reassuring. He loved new places. He would do just fine. After a breif cry in my car (I had never left my baby before, it was hard) I took off to work. 2 hours late I received a call I never expected: my husband and I both needed to get to the local ER at once. I knew immediately it was bad. They wouldn't tell me anything about him or what happened, just that I needed to get there quickly.

Upon arriving at the hospital, I am informed my baby had stopped breathing and his heart had stopped while taking a nap at the daycare. He was found prone, which I found interesting since he was not yet able to roll over. We were later informed that the daycare had folded the mat of the pack-n-play up so it would be at an angle (my baby had GERD, but we never asked them to prop him up). They then propped him on his side and put a towel behind his back so he could not roll over. WHY? WHY? WHY? Instead he rolled to his front, and then it happened.

The emergency personelle got his heart pumping on it's own again after an hour of straight CPR. My poor child had tubes everywhere and was still not breathing on his own. I was in shock. He was transfered to Rady Children's Hospital in San Diego. We could not both ride in the ambulence and didn't want to leave one another to drive alone, so I kissed him goodbye and told him I would see him soon. One giant crocodile tear rolled down his cheek. I screamed "He's crying!" and the doctor said it was normal, his eyes will secrete fluid on their own. But that was the only time it happened. Not a drop or any moisture from his eyes after that. I am convinced that is when my baby told me goodbye.

Once we were at Children's Hospital, they informed us the outlook was grim. They were right. My baby fought for his life for almost 24 more hours before passing away in my arms. They knew he was going soon, so I got to hold him. He was so heavy. Pumped full of fluids and meds, he was so heavy and puffy. Didn't even look like my boy. It has so far been deemed SIDS. The daycare was not criminally responsible, but I do feel they were negligent. No hope of a civil suit, they have nothing. I don't even care anymore. We had to walk out of that hospital without our son!!! I still don't know how we did it.

Everyday I struggle. I went back to work 2 weeks later, hoping the distraction would help. That and my inability to cry in front of others. Each morning when I have to leave my house without my baby I sob the whole way to work. Coming home to a house with just a husband and a dog is hard. I cannot take a deep breath any longer. My whole body aches with my grief.

I loved being a mommy. I miss being a mommy. But how will I ever find the courage to have another child? I do not have the option of being a stay-at-home mom. I must work. I therefore must aquire daycare. Millions of families are in the same situation. I'm the exception, not the rule. But what if it happens again? What if it happens again, but while I am watching the new baby? It is hard enough to look toward and hope for a bright future when my baby is gone. But now I don't think that future will ever hold a family, and that makes it so much harder.

[Ron B.]

Hi Hudson's Mom, and welcome to these grief forums. Your post communicates raw grief very well. Your love for your child also comes through clearly. As does the sense that something is horribly wrong and not fixable. Your words made me cry.

Expressing your grief, as you've just done, is exactly the sort of thing that will help you heal. But your loss, unlike many here, is clearly tragic. The loss of your child shouldn't have happened. It is wrong for a thousand reasons. And it sounds like you have absolutely no recourse at all, even though the childcare center may have been negligent. Perhaps all you can do now is work on healing yourself.

I don't quite understand trauma, but I know we can get psychologically stuck when bad stuff happens to us. For such a caring person like yourself in the bloom of young motherhood, it would be doubly tragic if you gave up on the idea of having more children. You don't have to develop a fixated worry that a SIDS death might happen again. From what I just read about SIDS, just over 2 thousand fatalities occur in the USA each year. A child's odds of getting in a fatal traffic accident are more than 10 times higher, with 30 thousand auto fatalities in the USA per year. Yet the statistics don't ease our mind; we fixate on what happened and worry terribly about it happening again. Even if it's highly improbable! This is the nature of trauma; somehow we get psychologically stuck, and may need help extricating ourselves from our own fears and anxieties.

Many of us here have gone in for professional psychological counseling. It helped me. You may have good support from friends and family; that will also ease your grief. There are so many other ways to work through grief; I hope you have time and opportunity to interact with some of the other people who post here.

I pray for your healing! And please keep an open mind and heart about having more children.

Ron B.

[MartyT]

Dear One, my heart aches for you as I read your tragic story ~ I am so sorry. As a bereaved mom myself, I do know how it feels to lose a precious infant. Although it happened to me many years ago, when my own newborn baby David died unexpectedly after an uneventful pregnancy at the age of three days, the world as I knew it (and as I expected it to be) was suddenly turned upside down, and everyone in my corner of the world (except my husband) acted as if nothing of much consequence had happened. No one at home or at work or among my dearest friends would talk with me about it at all. I had no place to take my sorrow; back then there were no grief counselors, no grief support groups, not even articles or books about the grief that accompanies the death of an infant, and certainly no Internet with Web sites and forums aimed at grieving mothers. Thankfully things have changed considerably since then, and there is no need for you to go through this horrible tragedy without support. I urge you to reach out for it. Don't even try to deal with this all by yourself.

I want to point you to some resources I hope will be helpful to you. (They are listed among many others on my Web site's Death of an Infant, Child or Grandchild page.)

SIDS and Other Infant Death Network

SIDS: CJ Foundation

SIDS Families, Inc.: Information, Support and More

SIDS of Pennsylvania - Supporting Infant Death Survivors

SPALS: Subsequent Pregnancy After a Loss Support

Compassionate Friends: National

[ForeverHudsonsMom]

Hi Ron,

Thank you for your post. Your words ring true. I feel all I can do is try to heal myself. But who am I? I am a changed person. Everything about me has changed, except for my dreams. I have always dreamed of having a family, and still do. That dream is now just gripped with fear and uncertainty. At times I feel I should not even be thinking about having other children. I need to grieve for the precious one I have lost. But at the same time, without that hope and dream, I do not know if I can get through the day. Trying to keep the scales balanced is a hard task.

I am seeing a personal therapist, and hope that will help. I read any and everything. I am a very private person, so with exception of my husband, I don't talk much about it. I am hoping these discussion groups will help. I can open up and let things out. Encouraging posts like yours help me believe I made the right decision.

[ForeverHudsonsMom]

Hi Marty,

First, I am sorry for the loss of your son. I'm sure that even though it was long ago, the pain is still very real. Thank you for your words and resources. I will definitely check them out. And you are very right that we are fortunate to have all the resources we now do. I never had thought about how lucky I am to live in this era with this technology. Another lesson learned. It's amzaing how many lessons have been learned since this happened.

[pmpupdamike]

Hello Hudson's Mom. I am so sorry for your loss. I replied to one of your other posts. I don't know why things happen, and I think, there is no correct way to grieve or express sadness. I do think, however, that the more you interact, and help others with the willingness to share your experiance, that you start to heal. I think, that it was a cruel event in your life, and no doubt, it will change your perspective on everything. I hope that you find peace, even when in the midst of your anguish.

[hello123]

Dear Hudsons Mom, I am so so sorry for what has happened to you. It's so cruel and horrible and unfair. I am sorry you had to experience that, I hope that slowly your pain becomes more bearable, I know it will never go away, you don't have to think of a bright future but when the pain becomes less maybe you will feel less overwhelming sadness. Good luck and take care xx

[Babypod]

Dear Hudson's mom,

I am so sorry for your loss. I wish there was something I could do to help. I will say this -you are still a mommy. You are still Hudson's mommy. I admit - I have never held a child and then had them pass away - I did lose a child in utero at 23 weeks - and it was a very healthy pregnancy - the baby had just died - no reason given - his heart had just stopped - he was our first as well. It is so hard to look forward. It is so hard to trust things after that - but you will. You will never forget Hudson - ever. You will love him forever - but you will have a day where you won't cry on your way to work. Coming home to your husband and dog won't be so sad.

I wish there was more I could say to help - but please know you will be in my thoughts and prayers.

Angel