Debating With Myself About Stopping Smoking

[terp8r]

Before I say this, I will say- I know it's stupid, but everytime I think about quitting, I think " but, I could join Harv if i do become ill with many of the health problems associated with smoking. I have my two sons and my grandson to live for. I just miss him so much, sometimes it feels unbearable.

Pam

[dave s]

Pam I get what you are saying.....I have thought on my many long commutes to work ( 1 hr to 1 1/2 hr each way) that it would be so nicer at times to be with Mike.....there is no doubt in my mind that it would be.....but for 2 people in my life, dont get my wrong I love all my family and friends, but when my bestfriend nephew Colton who is 5 and in kindergarten called me today, he was so excited about Halloween and of course his precious sister 2 yr old Abby, calls my Favorite, not Dave my heartmelts and , for me, for now it is enough of a reason for me to cont to try to quit smoking, was doing good until dad got sick.....back to it here...but will continue to fight this demon! And for the first time in my life, I realize that I want to start living for myself.......and not just for others........sounds selfish? Yeah I see that, finally, years of caretaking others has left me worn out........and owe it to myself to find another way for me.....to make a living, for today I am excited about the future, for today.........

Still miss Mike like crazy.........Dave

[Susie Q]

Dave and Pam

[kayc]

Pam,

We understand...but the thing to remember is, what about your children and grandchildren...even those yet unborn? They may feel differently about losing you. I know, our kids have their own lives and seem independent, but mark my word, as little as we may hear from them, if they lost us, it would be the hardest thing in the world for them. It is one thing to go about living life on your own and quite another to KNOW you can't contact your mom no matter what! You will be needed here until the day you can no longer live, a choice we don't make, but fate or circumstance or whatever you want to call it beckons.

[terp8r]

Kayc, I am sincere when I say thank you. I was having a moment of self pity and didn't think about how it would affect my sons and grandchildren. When I tell people who recently join our "family" that there are people who have wisdom to share, you are one of whom I'm speaking of. I wish for you that you didn't have this wisdom to share. Love, Pam

[kayc]

Pam

(((hugs))) I've been there and felt the same way...but when we think it through, and we must, we have to ask ourselves, what would it be like for one of our kids to find us, or to get a call. How disruptive would it be to my son's (college) education to have to deal with the loss of his mom and still maintain a 4.0 GPA? Would my daughter feel guilty that she didn't contact me more often (or ever)? Do I want her to carry guilt around the rest of her life? No! I want her to continue to grow up and learn some things that she hasn't grasped yet. As for those unborn grandchildren, it would be awful for them if they never got to have their grandma in their lives...I know I don't have them yet, but I hope to someday. And my dog...who would love him and care for him like I do? Yes, my son would take him in and would even love him, but he's busy and has his own dog, would that be fair to them? As much as I would love to be with George, I have to think about those here and I don't want to put them through what I had to go through when I lost my husband. It is the worst thing in the world to go through and I don't want to inflict it on anyone I love. Yes, someday they will lose us and someday they will go through loss and pain just as we have, but I don't want it to be a day sooner than they have to. Being out of work and getting the door slammed in your face so many times, it leaves you feeling pretty worthless. I don't want to feel like a burden on society or my kids, I know I have a lot to offer, I wish I could convince them (potential employers) of that! But whatever happens, I have to stick it out and make the best of it. I have to believe there is something better in life than what there currently is. I have to believe there is hope just around the corner.

[Queeniemary]

Pam, I do get where you are coming from. I am still smoking some, but I don't think I am doing it because I don't want to live. Although I admit there are times that I think I really don't care. Mike and I both quit smoking for over 20 years, lost bunch of weight, ate right, tried to get in exercise (him more than me), and he died at age 62 of massive coronary, with no history of heart trouble. I guess my feelings (not logical I know) are that it does not really matter what I do, when it is my time, it is my time. I realize smoking is bad for a person, and I don't smoke a lot. There are just certain ones I really enjoy (morning coffee on porch) and although I mostly don't smoke much, is kind of hard to give that one up. I am not advocating smoking at all, but for me right now, there are worse things in life. Being alone and missing Mike so much even after all this time, nearly 22 months, is the worst. Thought I was doing so well a few months ago, and then started going a little backwards. Tried therapy, but instead of getting the psychologist, I got an intern because the psychologists was too busy. She was sweet, but way too young for me. I am still searching for a therapist for a some one on one grief/depression therapy. In the meantime my best friend Kathryn is coming for a week, and I am looking forward to that visit. She is coming to help me do a little de-cluttering. Also, just to visit, cannot wait.

Mary (Queeniemary) in Arkansas