Here It Comes Again...

[Maylissa]

It's so debilitating the way this grief takes hold and won't let go. I'm back in it more intensely again and I'm becoming afraid that this is going to ruin the entire rest of my life....whatever THAT'S supposed to be anyway! This wknd. I got to the final stages of constructing a cabinet we'd bought last year, to hold my Mom's china set, the one major item I was able to retrieve from a stranger after my father and brother sold off everything in my parents' house ( my childhood home ), without any thought of me. Her china set, therefore, has become symbolically pivotal in my grief, representing my better memories of her, my last physical connection to her, her life, and our relationship as mother and daughter. I've also been convinced that my Mom had a spiritual hand in finally getting her set back to me, since she'd always wanted me to have it.

I'd been looking so forward to the moment when I'd be able to take her china out of storage in the basement and place it all lovingly inside this new cabinet. I thought this was something nice I could do for myself, something to bring a little happiness or at least some contentment back into my now lonelier life. I was doing this not only for me, but for my Mom, whose wishes were tramped on by my remaining family. But first there was an early setback to my planned day. Our furgirl started showing signs of bladder irritation and was missing her litter box.....continually throughout the day. Since my mood is always tied to how she's feeling, this upset me greatly, so I was already stressed and annoyed at the Universe for ruining the very day I'd looked forward to for over a year. Then I ran into another hitch, right in the final stages of construction, which is going to require some redoing before I can finish putting the shelves in place. I'd worked so hard and long, trying to get everything just right, trying not to make any big mistakes, at least nothing that couldn't be easily remedied ( I'm not totally w/o talent, but furniture finishing and contruction isn't my forte, either ). I was pretty pleased with the results, but this mistake right at the last stage really upset me. I'd planned on finishing it off on Sunday, so I could put dishes in during the week when I'm alone. Now I couldn't finish this labor of love. When this mistake was discovered, that was the last straw for me, for this particular day, and I got really upset. To make matters worse, my husband immediately started minimizing my feelings, saying it was no big deal, not the end of the world, yadda-yadda. I tried to remind him how much, emotionally, I'd had invested in this day, how I'd already told him that morning how frustrated I was that our furgirl's worsening illness had put yet another wrench in the works for me. But he wasn't listening and we ended up in a big argument. He knows full well how this kind of thing only adds to my depression about my future, with my Mom gone, my family abandoning me, etc.

Now I had 3 things I was upset about. But the overriding feeling was and is one of despair. I've noticed that too many times when I try to do something good for ME, something happens right away to take away any joy I might derive from it. And the grief over my Mom's and brother's passing looms even larger, like a menacing cloud, telling me I'm NEVER going to have any joy anymore. On top of that, this cabinet suddenly felt like another finality, much like a sad anniversary. So now I'm left with not feeling good about the whole project at ALL!!! Once it's done, and now through even more anxst and anxiety, that will be IT, like a totally final chapter in my life with my Mom. What I thought would bring me contentment has now only brought me more grief. Now it feels like whenever pull out that china to use and remember my Mom by, ALL I'm going to feel is that hole she once occupied. Now it's my china set, one that she'll never eat from again. I can't envision her coming to visit and enjoying a meal lovingly prepared by me, her daughter, while she takes it easy and gets doted on for a change. The icing on the cake is that it will be her birthday date on the 17th of this month, 2 years from the day I last saw her alive. TWO YEARS?!?! How can it be that long already?! I still feel like it was only one year ago! I'm crashing and burning again, with nothing to give me hope for a future that also seems dead to me. Thanks for listening, although the writing doesn't seem to be dulling the pain this time...

[JCL]

I have said before on this site that it is too bad that some of us do not live closer to each other, so that we can support each other when needed. Southern California is a long way from Canada though. I understand how easy it is to get swept down that rabbit hole of depression and not see any way out. I said a prayer for you Maylissa, I also asked God to send you some kind of sign from your mother if it would help. I am not sure how much the supreme being listens to me, but it can't hurt. If you lived near me I would also invite you and your husband to Thanksgiving. Take Care

Julie

[diane_NYC]

Hello I just found this site yesterday. I lost my mother on 9/3/05 and I can relate to so much of what is written in general ( especially with Beverly). I am sorry Maylissa for your loss. Sounds like it was a painful day putting the cabinet together. I hope in time you will feel better. I know there is no time limits on grief and so many people I speak with in my area say it gets better with time and yet you never forget. Many people I speak to or approach me tell their story and they cry. So, I hope that in time it gets better.

xxxxxxxxxx

[Maylissa]

Thank-you, JCL, for your support, and wish that we could all be closer on the map. I've often thought the same thing myself! That's also very sweet and compassionate of you to extend an invitation for Thanksgiving, Canada-time, were we in the same place - I really appreciate the gesture!

Thank-you, too, Diane, and welcome to the site. I extend my sympathies to you also in the passing of your mother.....it's just so hard, isn't it? On top of this upward swing on the griefometer, just as I finished that cabinet ( finally ), we got bad news about our furgirl's condition and I've had to scramble to get her some drugs....something I try not to resort to, preferring more natural methods with less side-effects. So now I'm too terrified to even think straight because she's a bigger part of my life than anyone else and I love her so incredibly much. Like I said before, I don't think I'm ALLOWED to have much joy in this stinking life.