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Reflections From 7 Months


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Today it has been seven months that my spouse has been gone from this earth. Tomorrow would be his 55 birthday! I am still here without him. Sometimes I feel like I am a robot going through the motions day in day out. Other days I feel like I have some life beyond this nightmare. I feel like the fog is finally lifting and I can think clearly at times. I am alone and that is the worst. The lonliness lives on when the two of us were inseparable and best friends. I so miss his company and companionship. I have been blessed to have some great friends and have done some traveling with them that has been very therapuetic for me. They are the best. I have had to change up my routine. The daily things that we did together, like the morning coffee, reading the paper together and hashing over the world politics of the day with him in the morning is no longer. I can not even read the paper in the morning as it just doesn't feel right. The walks in the park with the dog also had to stop... not the same without him. I have a plaque that I received from a friend that I placed on my bathroom mirror so I can see it daily and reflect on it. It says, "'With every ending comes a new beginning." I really hated that plaque at the beginning of this journey... as I did not want a new beginning I wanted my old life back. I realize that will never happen and I have to move forward. That sign is helping me accept that and hopefully I will come to embrace that. But now, some days I do, other days not so much.

Next month I will go to our Florida home for the winter. I am very anxious about that... as that is where he took his last breath and died in our home. I don't know what I will feel when I enter the home. I am greatful that I have family four doors down and they will be there for me. Holidays are on the horizon and another first that I am not looking forward too but they will come and they will go and I will still be here. How I choose to go through them will be the question and ultimately the answer. I hope it will be a reflection of all wonderful holidays that we had together. At the end of each day, I am sad that he is no longer here with me but so greatful that I had 16 wonderful years with him. Some people never get to experience the type of relationship we had. I have been blessed to have him in my life and I will survive this until we meet again.

With every ending comes a new beginning....

Blessings

Becky

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Dear Becky,

Seven months have flown by so quickly and yet I know it feels like a hundred years since you saw your love. I think the fog started to lift a bit around that time for me. I am approaching 19 months now and am in a sort of disconnected neutral zone. My grief counselor called it the fruitful dark (like a seed in the earth). I cry every day sometimes a bit and sometimes a lot more. I try to be where I am. And I journal a lot.

Walking into that Florida house will probably be a bittersweet experience. It is good you have family nearby to comfort you. I imagine it will be a comfort to you to be there and also sad.

Peace

Mary mfh

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Becky.....hows is it that this "short time" that we have lost our loves seem like an eternity? Thinking of you today, and for his bday......am sure it will be nice to leave Ks and get out of the winter ice and snow......but know it will be rough for you to go back to Florida.....be carefull! Today I am taking my 91 yr old gma to the Lymphoma and Leukemia walk, will meet other family members and friends for a walk and rememberance of those impacted with this horrible disease......this killed my beloved gfather in 1999, his son my uncle 2010, and Mikes mom in 1981....so it has had a tremendous impact on my life! My hope is that as we make progress with one form of cancer....it will assist in curing other forms of this horrible disease!!! Take care! Dave

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Becky,

My thoughts are with you today...and tomorrow. I hate these "anniversary dates" that hit us with the stark reality that they are indeed gone from us. I can't read a book since George died. I've tried several, nada. I used to read every night before I went to sleep, I usually had at least two books going at any given time. But now I can't get into it, can't focus, I read the same words over and over until I give up, it doesn't matter how good the author is. It's weird how it affects our everyday routines. It took me years before I could watch t.v. A friend of mine gave up her crafting...when her husband died she no longer had any interest.

Seven months isn't very long, but it can seem a lifetime. I wish you the bet as you go to Florida...I'm glad you'll have people with you.

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Dear Becky,

Thank you for making the effort to write your beautiful post. I will be thinking of you tomorrow.

I am at almost 6 months from my spouse's death, and his 60th birthday occurred at 3 months. And I too am not looking forward to the holidays. A dear cousin is coming here for Thanksgiving and I will probably go to my mother-in-laws for Christmas.

I don't read here much lately because it breaks my heart to read the various posts and I felt like I didn't need any more sorrow. But I just checked in and saw your post.

I have been able to read. I just read Joan Didions' "The Year of Magical Thinking" which was about her first year of life after her husband died unexpectedly.

I spend most of my time in the exact area of the house that my husband died. It is the family room/office area. I have already set up the Christmas tree because I love to look at the lights. I just realized the tree is exactly where he died.

I also just remembered that I had resolved to be mindfully grateful every day, but I have forgotten that goal. My fog has not lifted yet, but I do find myself cheerful, productive, laughing, being around friends a lot, but my mind is still not firing on all cylinders. And I cry at least once a day. Today I cried several times because I drove to the orchard for apples, something we always did together.

Beth

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Dear Becky,

You are in my prayers today, and tomorrow. I wish you nothing but PEACE and COMFORT, in your heart and soul. It is just over 8 months for me. You are so right, most people search all their lives and never find the TRUE LOVE, that we found. It is and was the very best that life can offer someone. I read a lot now all kinds of book at one time, from medical books, novels, small paperback books. I think right now I have 5, I have been reading. The medical books to get me ready for school, terminology, dissector of the human body, Gray Anatomy. I read in something everyday. Also studying my music everyday. I find it helps me out a lot to keep my mind active and learning new things.

I am so thankful, that I was able to find peace amongst the hell of grief. I try to keep on an even plain in my mind and spirit. That is what Pauline wanted for me. Not to forget, how could I forget all the good memories over 33 years of bliss, but to move forwards with my life. Randy would want the same for you. It takes time and patients, and we all go through grief different.

When you walk into your home in Florida, just breath and feel Randy holding your hand and wrapping his arms around you, to give you comfort. I will be with you also, my spirit will help you as you walk in for the first time, and each time after that. Take care my friend.

God Bless

Dwayne

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