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On Nov. 14th Ben and I would have celebrated our 36th annivarsary this was the 3rd annivarsary without him and I kept busy all day that was the first day of my new job so I was busy most of the day trying to get used to my new schedule but I thought of him all day long..I wrote this letter to him and just wanted to share it with you I hope I don't bore you but I just want to share with someone that understands what I am going thru..Thank you in advance. Dear Ben,36 years ago on Nov 14th 1975 was one of the happiest days of my life..I remember when the minister asked If I took you to be my husband for better or worse sickness or health till death do we part..I never thought we would ever part I was so in love with you and I could feel how much you loved me..That day we became one we had such great times we had so many dreams and together you and i set out on an adventure..We became parents (of course you already had Benny jr) but we had our6 and than when Eleanor was 5 and in school we were asked to care for this beutiful little girl that your niece could not care for so we were blessed again when we agreed to adopt Helen and thru out our life we had obstacales to climb and overcome but I knew everthing would be just fine because I had you by my side..We raise 8 beutiful Children you and I and had 24 grandchildren 5 greatgrandchildren, then in 2002 we got the bad news of your illness and we started to prepare for what we knew was coming I never thought that you would actually die even when the drs keeped telling us that you would not last more than a year but you kept going than on Feb 2 2008 they told me you would be gone in 48 hrs,I felt so lost and helpless because I couldn't do anything to make things better and make this go away but you kept going you didn't want to go and I didn't want you to go..but on Feb 18th you couldn't keep going and you left me I thought I was prepared and part of me was happy because you had gone to be with our lord and you would no longer be in pain but part of me was angry because you left me..I cried that 1st year uncontrollably and as the yrs go by I don't cry as much but I miss you so much at night when I turn to your side of the bed to hold you and than I realize your not there...I have a hole in my heart that can't be healed but I want to thank you for the 33yrs 3monts 4 days we had together you were always there for me we laughed,we cried and we loved together today as I remember that day so very long ago that we said I do I will smile and remember that handsome young man that became my husband but was more than that to me..You are my best friend,my lover,and my everything I will miss you but I will see you again some day and when we meet again we will just start where we left off loving each other and laughing and crying together..Till we meet again all my love your wife Lucia

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Dear Lucia,

We are never prepared for the sickness, and bad health, that comes our way after we take those holy vows. In today's world, a lot of people, say those words but never take it to heart. The first time their loved one is sick with a disease, the other one runs out of the house, like it is on fire, and never looks back. I meant my vows, I lived up to them like all of us on here have. Because we found our TRUE LOVE. When we have lost them to death, our hearts are shattered into a million pieces. We try to put them back again, but always find a few, pieces that never seem to fit any where. So we go on in life with the holes, where our loved one was once was. We try very hard everyday in this grief we are in. To try to make sense of what has happened to us. We can only live in today, because tomorrow never comes, and we can never go back to yesterday. We hold on yo all those great memories of our loved ones, looking for that comfort we got from them. For me, I made Pauline a promise, to move forwards in my life, so to honor her I do. I have found great peace in my life. I still miss her and cry for her and those waves of grief washes over me, but I move on, because, that is what she wanted for me. It can be real scary to move forwards in life. Which path will I follow, how do I know it is the right path in life, we don't. I move down my path in life, the way Pauline and I lived our life together. She is still with me, in my mind, heart, and soul. Still guiding me into my new life, and I trust in that, and that alone. But to forget, never. I focus on all the good memories, and leave the bad behind, because it will only bring me down. I wish and pray you will find the great piece inside, that I have found.

God Bless

Dwayne

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Dwayne Thank you for your kind words I will never forget all the wonderful times I had with Ben but I know that I will always have a hole in my heart I am just trying to live my life the best I can without him I hope I can find happiness again some day but for today I just try to live life without him like I know he would want me to..I find comfort in my children and grandchildren and try to live my life the way he would want me to I know it will come someday,May God bless you and thank you for listening to me.

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Dear Lucia,

That is all any of do, is to try to move down our new path in life, without our loved one. It gets very hard to do some time. But time never stops. Days turn into weeks and weeks into months, then years, but we always hold them in our hearts, minds and souls. All the great moments in time we spent with them together. I try my best not to think about the end, the final months, of the great suffering Pauline was in. I wish to only remember all the happy and great times we had in 33 years together. For her I move forwards, because that is what she wanted from me more than anything, not to be stuck in the first weeks and months of grief, but to grieve, and move my life forwards and reach my goal of becoming a nurse. I start school on Monday, I will study hard and do my best. For Pauline.

God Bless

Dwayne

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Lucia,

I don't know what happened to my reply as it's not here, but you are in my heart. I know the struggles and this is the hardest thing we've ever had to do.

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