Coping & Sleeping.

[Stacyines]

My boyfriend passed away two months ago. I hadn't been sleeping since his passing, so my psychiatrist gave me sleeping medication. Either way, I've been doing very well. Saw a grief counselor, even saw a medium a month ago. He was accurate and it gave me slight closure.

Well, I hardly ever dream. Unless I eat before bed.

A couple of nights ago was different. I was exhausted and took my sleeping pill. Didn't eat. I woke up around 2 am feeling energetic. Chatted with a couple of friends and fell back asleep. I remember my ears ringing really loudly. I saw nothing, as if I had my eyes closed. I remember a bright light flash, but it went pitch dark.

The ringing soon soon became static like. Than I heard it, it was my boyfriend. He shouted my name, "Stacy!" It had a strange echo. Than he shouted one last time, "Forget about me!" The ringing quieted down. I have tinnitus, so that's not going away. I can't recall anything after that. I woke up around 4. I had never experienced something like that. It felt so realistic. And the way he shouted it sounded so cold.

I don't know if it's me or if it was something else. It was basically a lucid dream I assume. Maybe my self conscious? I still feel guilty everyday.

Other than that, I bought a pup to keep me distracted at home. An outside vendor had the audacity to have the puppy in a small bird cage and she even had fleas. She couldn't tell me her breed nor did she have the puppy vaccinated. So I bought the puppy. I named her Milly. I had remembered the conversation Deric and I had about children names. More so a random question. It wasn't a 'what are we going to name our kids?' Haha. More of a 2am, attempting to keep awake rambling,'if you had to pick your future child's name, what would it be?'

That actually reminds me of the time he said, "I was a big headed baby, babe. I'm sorry ahead of time." Good funny memory I would have wished to experience.

Anyway, Milly is a prancing disaster! I adore her though. She chews about everything, but the potty training is a work in progress. She's a handful and keeps my mind off the sad things.

The film I created is currently in post production. I'm excited the project I created is getting off the ground. But to my joy, not only am I producing it - I have the opportunity to co-direct it! A dream come true since I was a kid. Though it's a tv movie- it's something! How many 20 year olds have had this blessing?

But among other things, I cry, I struggle. Depression is tough. I'm suicidal. It's normal. I'm sure at least somebody here has had that state of mind at least once. Anti-Depressants are a stimulant. They are not a magic pill. I'm currently on Celexa - 150mg. So I have my good moments and my bad.

I hope everyone is doing well !

[Dwaynecg]

Dear Stacy,

About your dream, it was real, just like the time that I saw Pauline's face. They were, waking me up after surgery on July 25, Pauline's 5 month date of her passing. As they were waking me up in the recovery room, the last thing I remember is see Pauline's beautiful face, Happy, Healthy, and smiling, even with the same hair color, I had dyed it for her 5 weeks before she passed. It lit a roaring blaze inside me, that is still there today. She was showing me she was alright and with me always.

Deric, I do not know, seeing he was taking that stuff he was on, must have done things to his brain, that made the final, end of his life, happen the way it did. From what I have read about him, he was a great guy, with a lot of positive things going on in his life. If not for that stuff he was taking, you would not be on this site today.

I think what he was telling you in your dream, was what you are doing already, making a very negative, sad, horrible moment of your young life into a positive motion forwards, into a new life, and he is telling you it is ok, to move into the positive, but you will never forget him and all the great memories you two shared in life. I think you are a very brave young woman to make the movie, and bring things into the spot light.

As far as sleeping, I could not sleep either, and I am still on a sleeping pill along with some other medications, to help me cope with my great loss. I still only sleep about 4-5 hours a night. But that is the way it was for years taking care of Pauline and her needs. I always put her first before anything in my life. Now I have taken what she taught me as being a care giver for so many years, and I start my nursing school on Monday the 28 of this month. So I to have taken a great loss, the worst in my life and have turned it into a positive, where I will be able to help many people for the rest of my life. Stay strong, and it is ok to cry, letting out those feelings are a healing for you. I cried for months, and still do from time to time. I was crying today up at Greg's and Donna's as we talked about Pauline and all the people she touch through her computer. After I felt better. Never give up or give in to grief. Just ride the waves to calmer water again.

God Bless you my friend,

Dwayne

The Best and Most Beautiful Things in Life, can not be Seen or even Touched. They Must be Felt with the HEART!!!!! Helen Keller

[Salley]

Dear Stacyines,

I am always astonished at how well you are doing, considering what you have been through. You are an inspiration to me.

At 6 months after the death of my husband, my biggest issue is the inability to fall asleep. I have a strong history of depression in my family but have never felt that I had any type of depression. But last week my doctor put me on an anti-depressant that has a strong side effect of sleepiness. Right now I am on 1/2 doses of the old and new "sleeper" med and sure hope I feel better soon .

I have only had one dream that had my husband in it and it was 4 months after he had died. It had been a very restless night for me that night. In the dream he was sitting down and I put my arm around his shoulders and they felt normal, not boney. When he stood up to hug me, he was not physically there. The rest of the dream was me helping him do some things, he had stomach cancer and we both knew he was dead and had come back. The last scene had him with a suit case.

Congradulations on the puppy and the film!!

[kayc]

Stacy,

It's good to hear how well you're doing. I'm sure you will enjoy Millie! I got my dog after my other one died, and he is a handful! He's a chewer and when I got him, he wasn't housebroke, he didn't appear to have ever been in a home. He was barely a year old...he chewed my couch, wall hangings, candles, books, 100 handmade cards, my favorite dress, countless shoes and slippers, his toys lasted an average of five minutes, regardless if I paid $5 for them or $20. He chewed my son's MP3 player, and some things that we never did discover what they had been! And you know what? It's all just stuff, the dog is irreplaceable. And now he is nearly four and my joy and companion. We walk twice a day and I play with him and he talks to me and cuddles with me, he has more personality than any animal I have ever seen!

Do you have a picture of Millie?

Congratulations on your film! You'll have to let us know about it when it's ready to air. Are you acting in it as well?

I wish you didn't feel guilt because you don't deserve that, but emotions come to us unbidden sometimes and we just have to deal with them. I'm glad you've gotten some help, I'm sure that's played a big part in your recovery (I use that word in the sense of ongoing). Do continue to keep us posted!

[Stacyines]

Well everything seems to be going smooth. I have a lot in my hands. I'm currently casting my actors. The producers gave me the option of selecting my cast. I've had luck on my end regarding non union actors with experience in featured films and television show. Just a matter of seeing their abilities in bringing a character to life & the emotion of a tragedy so realistic & heartbreaking.

My mind is currently a blur though. I can't seem to read a book, watch a movie, or even write without loosing focus and having a blank moment. I began watching an incredible film over thanksgiving weekend. - Actually, I spend Thanksgiving alone this year. My family was slightly worried leaving out of town, but they respected my wishes. I needed my days off away from everyone to release some pain. But returning back to the movie, it was titled 'What Dreams May Come' featuring Robin Williams & Cuba Gooding Jr. My heart shattered into pieces as I watched the beginning. Not because of the deaths of young children, the death of a husband or the idea of life after it. More so, the protagonist's wife in the movie.

She said something that hit home so perfectly, "Dear Diary, I am writing in your bullshit pages because my shrink is crazier then I am. He thinks you're therapy. He figures if two babies can hammer me into a Psycho ward, what will I do with this ? He is so stupid. He's so stupid that he thinks he pulled me through the breakdown when it was Christy. Always. Only Chis. I was looking through his postcards. Paintings were his obsession. He used art as another way to love me, to help me. To keep us always together."

I broke down and cried with such pain. My shrink had wanted a history of my life and childhood. She realized that I hadn't had an actual home since I was seven. Not one stable figure I could go to or even depend on. Not a father, mother, aunt, uncle, grandparent, zero. My father had full custody of my brother & I since I was seven. Hardly saw him. His sister & her family raised us until I was 14. But in fact, her family was horrible. They would insult us, make us feel like dirt and constantly use preference towards their only child. I recall her saying once, "If it wasn't for me, you'd be on the streets!" I moved around after fourteen. Several times with different family members. I avoided my mother most of the time. When I was little, she tended to take her frustration out on me physically. I attempted to live with her when I was 15. She kicked me out of her apartment late at night a couple of times and disowned me as well. Even to the point of shoving money down my shirt and kicking me out of her car. She had anger issues. I've worked since I was 15. Fought to go to school since I got my GED at 16. Both parents denied me their taxes in order to receive financial aid. Dependency over-write was denied for a couple of years without sufficient proof.

But the big question my shrink had asked was, "Did you ever feel like you belonged? Or even loved?" I couldn't hold back my tears. ".... Deric." My body quivered as I attempted to gather myself together. The rush of emotions overwhelmed me with such pain as I vented out my anger. "He knew my issues. He knew I was scared of commitment because I ended up disappointed or hurt in the long run. He knew what emotional baggage I was!" I paused glaring down at the floor to overcome the tears. My voice slowly became inaudible, "He promised me he'd fight my fears and never give up. I never asked him to do that. I gave him many opportunities to find someone better. Someone who had a passion for medicine like he did. Or the knowledge of school. ... Someone without baggage!"

"He's so stupid that he thinks he pulled me through the breakdown when it was Christy."

That quote haunts me. The person I loved unconditionally as he loved me was my savior. He was the light at the end of the tunnel. He was my natural ecstasy and rush of adrenaline towards life. We are hit by rocks, but when we have the love of our life beside us- they feel like feathers. They become either our motivation, our shield, or our partner in crime. ....... It's just a matter of coping with that hole in our heart.

How do we fill that void in our lives? Do we turn to work, school, people, or hobby? But than again, that's just substitution on an emotional behalf. What about the physical void? Missing their arms around you, their fragile touch against your face, even their lips against your own. Those that depend on others feel guilt or unable to still fill that void. Drugs or alcohol suppress your state of mind and pull us out of reality. But neither is the answer. Death is an instant withdrawal you have to fight yourself against to keep one own's sanity. I may be only 20, but I can never wish this pain on anyone.

Time is my obstacle, my battle, and my enemy.

- But onto other news. Milly is growing and teething! My hands are filled with marks and possibly scars. It's alright though. I get a kick of goofing around with my mutt. According to her pleasant vet, she's about 4 months and a Jack Russell/Chihuahua mix.

[Dwaynecg]

Dear Stacy,

I can relate with your childhood, not mine but Pauline's. She had things happen to her that should never happen to a very young child. Her mother also was physical abusive to her and her sisters. Abuse continued as an older child, that changed her life forever. Married and had a son at seventeen, the abuse continued. She had 2 more boys with her husband until she caught him cheating. That was it, the down wards spiral went from there, drugs, unstable relationships. Then one day years ago in May, rain pouring down, she was given an angel, from above. A red head from Colorado. We had an instance connection. In a few days, I could only see a broken, battered, beaten, little bird. I just toke her into my hands and started to heal her from the inside out. It took many years, but I succeeded, making her a whole person again. We always had, great love and passion for each other. But it took years for her to let go of all the baggage from the past. I really, think that she still had some, but it was not on her mind anymore. I gave my life to her, there is nothing I would and did not do for her. It brings me tears, just to write about this. You are not alone in your felling and emotions. This was the first year in 33 that there was not a turkey cooking Thanksgiving morning. I went up to my dear friends and had a good time. I cooked a couple of Pauline's, dishes, that she would always take, and we made every Thanksgiving. We were blessed to have had so many years together, even though 17 years with MS. Eating her away ever so slowly. She was my Angel as well. I learned so much from her, and the care I gave her the last 11 years, as she declined. We always kept our faith, and were always blessed when we needed to be.

Now I continue for her, taking the things I learned from the long term care, and turning her passing into a positive in My life. I started school Monday, took 2 tests yesterday, and scored 100 on both. I will have 2 more today, I will probably will score 2 more 100's. It is hard to move forwards in life after such a great loss of love. Like you I miss so much her physical touch, so much. I sleep on her big sheep skin she always slept on. It was were she passed at. I have slept on it from the very first night. I find comfort in it and on it.

I really like the fact that you have taken steps in your life moving forwards, with your movie, and that cute Milly. You have a great caring soul in you, to take her out of her environment, and give her new life again. A much better life. Run with your dreams and goals, turn all the negatives in your past life into positives in your new life. You have, great courage to step out into life of the living again. That is all our goal on here. I am glad to see you have done that, the same as I.

It feels like my mind will burst, with my church choir, nursing school, all the late night studding. Sunday at choir practice the gave us 3 more songs to learn in just 2 weeks. My mind is filled with so much right now and school will only get harder in the next week and a half, 350 Medical Terminology to learn in 7 days, then the final test, 3 days after. I do it because I love to help people and am good at it. I had a great teacher in Pauline. It ended way to soon, but we knew how it would end and like she always done, we per pared well. Nothing left unspoken about. Now she watches over and guides my new life into the feature.

God Bless, my friend

Dwayne

[kayc]

Millie is adorable! My Arlie is my salvation...if not for him, I don't know what I'd do. He keeps me going (I'll post a picture of him).

The quote you gave was very hard hitting. Your inability to focus like you used to is extremely common...I never did get my focus back. It's was years before I could watch tv and I still can't read a book. My mind doesn't work like it once did. I think the young are more resilient and I'm sure you'll get your focus back, but for some of us, we've just had to adjusted to our altered state.

Your career sounds very interesting, you should be very proud. I had a pretty hard background too and I think our greatest triumph is in not letting it define us.

[Stacyines]

Dwayne, your words are so helpful. I always enjoy stories about Pauline. You are an incredible person with an amazing heart.

Kay, your dog is gorgeous! I love dogs & I'm such a sappy person that loves dog photos. Not going to lie, I am a http://dogs.icanhascheezburger.com fan!

I love hearing the experiences many have gone through. It motivates me to continue and not to belittle life so much. It's just a matter of finding some peace with ourselves.

Weather has been insane in California. My power was out for two days. Trees collapsed on cars and barricaded streets. Luckily no deaths or injuries were reported here in Los Angeles. So I apologize for my delayed reply!

[Dwaynecg]

Dear Stacy,

I seen on what little news I watch that the west coasts was getting hammer by the storms. I did follow on FB and seen you lost power and was cold. How did Milli take all the wind and rain and darkness?

When I see someone in need of help I try my best to lend them a hand in whatever way I can. With you it can only be my experience and my words from my heart, for we are thousands miles apart. I do see a lot of Pauline in you, her past, before me, and how someone from above decided that she needed someone to care for her in her life. So He saw this rough Red Headed man full beard, long curly hair, I would only cut after winter was over. Brought him down out of the high mountains of Colorado to Kansas, gave me a job, and on that day in may over 33 years now, made it rain so hard we could not work any more, so we were sent home at noon. The my friend I gave a ride to work with asked if I wanted to have a beer and shoot a game of pool or two, when we got to that junction, where we would turn left for home. I said to David, (sure may as well, nothing else to do on a rainy day). We went into a small little place called POP'S PLACES, and who was behind the bar, serving the 3.2 Beer, was Pauline. I sat down, and we just talked for hours. David had to call for another ride home. Our relationship was off from there, it was like we knew each other all our lives.

It wasn't long though that I realized that Pauline was like a tiny little bird, broken, batter, and bruised, I just wanted to take her softly into my hands and heal her, from the inside out. That I did, but the Man upstairs, knew she would need so much more than that, and He knew I was the one for the job ahead. We pushed on in life, not knowing what was to come. When it finally did, we faced it together, with love for each other like always. NO REGRETS, NEVER. people say life is not fair. LIFE IS WHAT YOU MAKE OF IT. WE HAVE FREE WILL. CHOICES, which path to go down. If we choose the wrong path, then we suffer what lies down that path. That is why I always try to find any positive in any day of my life. Because once that day is over it never comes again.

Today is PAULINE'S BIRTHDAY I will be in class taking two tests. I know I will score 2 more 100's on them. That will be 8 in a row, the 2 more lessons for tomorrow.

Stacy, you have a bright future ahead of you. The only thing that will stop you now is yourself. I know that you will not let that happen, like me you are to driven to reach your goals in life to carry on a legacy for Deric.

God Bless, you my Friend

Dwayne

[ksbeachbum]

Happy Birthday Pauline. You have an angel on earth carrying your spirit and he is letting all of us know what a special person you were and sharing your love story. What an inspiration and it fills me with hope and faith. Pauline I know you are looking down smiling at your Dwayne knowing what a special person he is and how he inspires the rest of us earthlings. God bless you and happy birthday Pauline.

[Dwaynecg]

Dear Becky,

I thank you, from the bottom of my heart. It has always been my giving heart that gets me through life. It seems like the more of myself I give, I get TEN FOLD back. Pauline was truly a very special person, the same is said for all our love ones. I know what Pauline wanted for and from me to do after she passed, and that is to fulfil my life giving to others the same as I gave to her. Today makes 8 tests in nursing school and 8 100's. I have 6 more then the final for this course on Monday. In order to score 100 on that I will have, to have 350 terminologies right. That is my goal. I should make it. I have to study hard and all the spare time in order to do it.

Thank you for thinking about Pauline today, Becky!!!!

God Bless, my friend

Love Dwayne

[kayc]

Stacyines, Your Millie is so cute! I am a huge dog lover, I can't imagine life without them. I heard about what was going on in Calif. on the news, so much hardship! I hope the weather settles down soon! We're having a cold front, it's been in the 20s at night and 30s in the daytime for the last 1 1/2 weeks and the next week to come predicts more of the same, after that, who knows. I'm just glad there's no precip. or I'd be hammered with snow!

Dwayne, it was so fun to see your little dog! I love to see people's dogs, they are such a big part of our lives! I'm sure you aced your tests...my son has two more finals today, am praying for him, he has so much on his plate.

My unemployment officially ran out so will call for an extension today. I called yesterday and they had a 96 min. hold time, since I was at work (still just Mondays) I couldn't hold that long. Mondays continue to be exhausting for me, way too much to do in the given time. I ended up working late (don't get paid for it).