So Many Changes...

[Miss Ngu]

Hi all -- well...New Year's was pretty different and difficult. The energy with my family is just -- different (as I realize now it should be without the "glue" of my family -- my mother). I felt my mother was "with us" but, my poor father just broke down at midnight, which made my great-nieces and nephews start to cry as well. Yes...we all teared-up. It is so hard to see my 80-year-old father deeply sob and see his grief -- but -- it is good, in a way, for the kids (ages 11-19) to see what is true. They kids adored their "Mom-Mom", and feel for my father, as we all do.

I know I need to "go with it" and accept these changes, and try to feel my grief willingly, somehow, to get to more understanding and peace. I also need to be easier on myself during the process!!

This pain of this grief was unforseeable -- and life-altering for sure. I am still kind of scared that I couldn't have be more prepared than I was. I have been reading the posts on the loss of a spouse (as that is the most active, and reading the posts in that group are so helpful to me as well). So much insight from the members -- good questions -- answers, sometimes, -- and, mostly, very comforting. I think, stupidly, that seeing and feeling what the members of that group have been going through with the passing of their spouses or partners, that this info could help me (when the time comes -- if my husband passes first). Still -- I really don't think that you can be prepared for the enormity of the changes. But I am truly Thankful to read all of the posts on this site.

SO glad the holidays are over!!!!!!!!!!!!! I need to spend more time with my dad, as I really don't want to have any regrets that I neglected spending time with him (as I now know more of how this loss will feel). It's kind of tough hanging out with my dad, honestly. He goes on and on about himself -- and repeats his stories. He also doesn't seem too interested in hearing about me or my husband's stories -- so -- it is not truly how I'd want to spend my time with him. Maybe we should go out and do some "touristy" stuff in our town -- or something ... a museum?? a movie?? ... instead of having a meal. I would SO love to be honest with both my dad and my sister, but I know that only gets me so far. They are who they are. I either accept it -- or not. In the end, I have to be able to live with myself and my choices. So far -- so good -- Thankfully.

Thinking of getting a massage this week. I also have been dancing -- as exercise -- (to good dance music that I love), and it makes my body feel better. I hope I keep this up, as I can't seem to stop eating the holiday treats just yet...

Wishing everyone the ability to be gentler with ourselves!

[MartyT]

My dear Miss Ngu, for what it's worth, I think the way you've been with your dad since your mother died is quite wonderful, given the fact that you are grieving, too. You are offering your presence, accepting him exactly as he is, without judgment or reproach ~ and I'm sure that is why he allows himself to be so authentic with his feelings when he is with you. The gift you are giving him is priceless ~ please don't underestimate its value. Nevertheless, your experience also illustrates why it's so helpful to enlist the support of a bereavement counselor and / or a support group for your father at some point (if he would be open to that). The simple fact is that you cannot expect to be your father's grief counselor or therapist, and neither can your other family members be that for him right now. You need to be a daughter who is mourning the death of her mother, and you cannot expect to "be there" for your father in all the ways he needs. I'm pleased to learn that you're doing things to take good care of yourself, and I want to honor and support those choices. The best way for you to take care of your father's grief is to take care of your own ♥

[Miss Ngu]

Dear Marty, thank you so much for your post. Your understanding, encouragement, comfort, and insight are why I joined this group. Knowing that the moderator (you) read every post truly helped me to know it was ok to sign-up (since I am not really a person who is that trusting of the internet). I really loved the responses you gave to people -- both what you said, and how you said it. It really looked like a safe place to get some help -- and -- it is!

In your reply to me you wrote, "The gift you are giving him is priceless ~ please don't underestimate its value", brings tears to my eyes. I haven't heard such nice words (with a lesson attached) like this since my mother.

You are right on so many things. Yes, how can I help my dad when I am working so hard to help myself through this most difficult time. So...

I spoke with my dad today (after saying a prayer), and asked him if he would consider going to a hospice counselor (or group). I was very careful in how I brought this up to him, as he is not the type (or of the generation), that gets "help". I don't want to bring him any more sadness, and I know he grieves in his own way (he did make sure he told me that), but he does mostly try to avoid his true upset. So, I said, "With your trip coming up, it would be great for you to gain some more strength, since you will be visiting people and places that you only remember with mom. And, the time difference will make it truly difficult for you to call me at any hour". Anyway...my wonderful father said, "Give me their number, and I will call them now". Wow - I didn't expect that (and said another "Thanks" prayer). I thought he would think about it for a while. So, he has an appointment this coming Monday with a hospice counselor.

I must say, I feel some relief knowing that he (hopefully) will get some more support. I pray he lets himself be honest and open with the counselor, and get through some of his grief, instead of "tap dancing" around it. If all goes well...and he actually goes...and the counselor or group is good...etc...

I am looking forward to him getting some more support, and having more time and energy to take better care of myself.

Thank you, Marty, for this suggestion -- and for all the help you have given.

Using your words back at you...

The gift you are giving is priceless.

Just knowing that you, and all the posting memebers, are always here when I need you, helps me more than words can say.

[MartyT]

Well, my dear, your beautiful response brings tears to my eyes. The message you delivered to your father was perfect ~ and obviously he received it in the spirit in which you intended. Hurray for both of you! ♥

[Miss Ngu]

Update...well, my dad went to see the hospice counselor today. He said he started crying the minute he pulled into the parking lot. The hospice counselor told him she thought he was managing his grief ok (able to cry when he needed to, and put on a public face when he needed to). Regarding his upcoming trip, she was able to give him a few tips for him to get through it (and enjoy it) more. One of her suggestions was for him to keep a journal of where he goes and how he is feeling (he sounded intrigued by this). Anyway...it may be the first and last time he goes to hospice counseling - but - at least he went, and knows where more help is available to him. He said he might go to the group meeting next Tuesday, or at least one more time before going on his trip. During our conversation, I was able to be honest with him, and tell him that he repeats himself a lot, and also talks about himself a lot, and that I was wondering if that was a by-product of his grief. He informed that he's "always been this way" and that my mother would help to keep him in line. So...at least there is some insight (hopefully) gleaned from the conversations that took place today.

[Miss Ngu]

Feeling the need to write. Nothing really new will be written by me that hasn't been shared before on this website. I read posts - old and new - and realize that writing really is helpful. So...here I go again. Writing under the same topic, because the topic still applies, and, I don't have to write a synopsis of "my story" each time.

I am sad and lonely. Feeling disconnected and "slapped" by reality. Mourning my mother is one thing (and this is difficult enough), but the changes that are taking place in the life I now need to live feel overwhelming to me.

It is noticeable, to even my husband and father, that my friends are mostly nowhere to be found. And when they do sparsely interact, they end up talking about themselves. A friend called yesterday wanting to get together. I asked her how her holidays went, how her children and husband were doing...then...I waited. Will she ask how I am?? NOPE! This type of thing has been obvious since my mother died. Redefining friendship is not what I thought I'd be going through during my grief.

Okay -- so, I'm not supposed to have any expectations. Better to just accept people as they are, right? Yes...I suppose I am somewhat at fault. But, I must say, I am amazed that I can have so many "friends" -- and yet, be so on my own here.

My dad still only talks about himself. I have to tell him what is happening in my life mostly in one or two sentences, and never expect a follow-up question. I experience this with most people I know -- yet -- others' will go on-and-on about themselves to me. Eh -- I guess I should be happy that I am a person that people can talk to. Hey -- there's a positive spin. But -- not good enough for the pain that I am feeling. I, personally, prefer conversations to be somewhat balanced.

I must focus on me and keeping my Faith strong. Been reading "Letting Go of the Person You Used to Be" by Lama Surya Das as suggested by (I'm sorry, I don't remember who...but, Thank you!) on this website. And am going to read "Death of a Parent: Transition to new adult identity" by Debra Umberson (with my thanks, again, to the member of this website for the recommendation). I just love that I can get these books from the library.

I want to be okay with how things are, instead of how I want them to be. Still...I mostly feel like a little, lost girl who just wants her mommy back.

(Breathe...and keep going forward...)

My heartfelt appreciation to Marty. and all the members in all of the HOV forums. You all have helped me so much.

[Miss Ngu]

Well...here I am with truly no one to talk to -- so -- I'll write. My 81-year-old dad's (far away) trip will start this Tuesday. He'll be traveling for 2 weeks. This will be his first time traveling back to our hometown, and visiting with family, without my mother. He is nervous, but I have been patient with him, and listen to him repeat his "plans" over and over again.

I guess I'm upset because the only parent I have left is going far away. I hope he has a great and safe time, and comes back with great new stories (to repeat to me over and over again...). Still, I can't help feeling the way I do. I know I am not being abandoned, he has a return ticket, but you never know when will be the last goodbye, and I'm scared.

My husband seems to be less patient these days, so, there isn't as much room to listen to me. Thankfully, I can ask him to listen, and he will, but, I know he has a lot on his mind. I am so saddened by the awareness that no one really is here for me. My mother is gone -- and now -- everyone else is too. I still can hardly believe it. My new world, lonely and without human comfort is not a very good one.

How will I survive being this alone, and come to terms with the fact that my friends turned out to be more acquaintances. I am disconnected, with no plans to reconnect. I can forgive, but not forget how I feel, and what a "friend" really can give.

Our 3 cats are my best source of comfort and joy. I have enjoyed spending more time with them these past few weeks. The cats are getting along pretty well. I have worked hard to introduce the new one to our existing cats, and am so proud of their progress.

Also...my husband and I have been dieting together since February 20th. Eating small frequent meals (lower fat, salt, sugar and carbs) and moving more. I've lost 7 pound so far!

Ok -- I am feeling better. Writing sure does help.

[niamh]

hi Miss NGU,

I'm so sorry for the loss of your dear Mom. sorry too for my delay in actually replying to one of your posts, sometimes I find it hard to find the words !

I think it's perfectly normal to feeling abandoned when your Dad is going away on a trip. I think once we lose a parent that fear of losing the remaining parent really comes to the front of our minds. I know for me I tell my Mom I love her every single night, everytime I drop her somewhere because I think somewhere is that fear what if it's the last time. I hate being away from her. I remember when I lost my Aunt 5.5 yrs ago, we were so close and I always hated my parents going away on trips, it was too lonely and I would always have that feeling of being abandoned and left alone. Thinking back I know there were many times I would think "this is what it will be like someday". Now when my Mom is even out for a night (she never goes away without me now), I have that horrible feeling that someday this will be a permament feeling & it's a scary feeling. I hate that I have lost the innocence of life so much.

I'm so sorry too you are feeling like everyone else is also gone. Grief can be such a lonely place especially as time goes on everyone else truly forgets about it yet you face it every waking second of everday. I've lost touch with a few people also because I struggled to reach out and maintain contact with people and after a while they stopped contacting me, I guess maybe they got sick of having to "chase me". I hope you know we are always here on this site, I love that nobody ever gets sick of hearing about each other's struggles in this world without one or both our parents. It's continues to be my lifeline 2 years later, I still check here everyday, I think it makes me feel normal hearing other people's stories.

Good for you and your husband dieting and congrats on losing 7lbs, that's great !!

hugs and love to you,

Niamh

[Miss Ngu]

Dear Niamh,

How wonderful it is to recieve such a warm and understanding response. Thank you.

Please accept my condolences on the loss of your Dad. I looked at your profile, and the picture is great. Beautiful smiles.

When you wrote, "I hate that I have lost the innocence of life so much" -- I can really relate. Grief is turning out to be so much more than what I thought it was. Losing my mother on this planet is turning out to have a domino effect on so many other things. I can hardly keep up.

I hate feeling like a scared little girl, but that is where I am at right now. I know my Mom would want me to feel what I feel -- but -- also to remember to stay strong. Life's lessons can be so painful -- and you just keep rolling along. I don't want to "pre-grieve" the loss of my Dad while he is still here. I can't really prepare for the depth of this loss anyway, so why try? I speak to my Dad everyday, and see him a few days a week, and we also say "I love you" every time. I do this with my husband as well. At least I have learned, like you, to make sure to be complete with my loved ones, just in case that will be our last conversation.

Thanks also for the weight-loss congrats and support. I would really like to accomplish my goal this time -- and stay there. I have been holding on to this extra weight for too long.

Your response helps me to know that I am not as alone as I feel, and I am Thankful.

[niamh]

thank you so much Miss Ngu and thanks for the sweet comments on my photo, everyone always mentions our smiles, I haven't smiled like that in over 2 years :-(.

I get that scared little girl feeling too, the invisible security blanket it just gone and nobody can ever take it's place. I never realised the reality of the real security a parent gives in this world, no matter what their age.

Wow, I've said that so many times about my Dad...........he would want me to feel what I feel. I remember people pushing me hard in the beginning telling me my Dad would want me to do A,B,C etc and I simply couldn't, it has to me on my schedule not anyone else's and that's what my Dad would want. I dont like others telling me what my Dad would want when many of them never even knew my Dad or our relationship.

I think every single one of us is strong, we are surviving in this world without our loved ones, that takes a hell of a lot of strength. I saw a great saying recently that I really believe in "Some people think that to be strong is to never feel pain. In reality, the strongest people are the ones who feel it, understand it and accept it".

I have no doubt all our parents are so proud of us, we struggle on in life every minute of everyday without them and it's our right to do it our way.

((hugs)) as always

Niamh

[Miss Ngu]

I need to write what is going on...so here goes...

Thankfully, my 81-year-old dad had a good trip and made it back home! I'm happy he had a good time seeing family and eating foods that we used to enjoy from that region. Ten months has passed since my mom (his wife of 60 years) died. It has been so confusing dealing with him, and his "new life". He is very interested in female companionship. He tells me there are lots of older widows looking for available men where he was vacationing; he told me of a 35!!!!!-year-old woman (who likes older men, of course...) that he met on the plane, and that he hopes to keep in contact with her; he told me about a woman who lives in his building; and he is always "leering" at women, etc. So, if he is a "dirty old man", does that reflect on me?? (We live in a small town.) Yes, he lived up to his "death to we part" agreement with my mom, but, it is hard to learn who he is, as a man, without my mom's influence, and hard to lose all of my childhood feelings towards him, and all that I have ever known until this point. I know that I can only take hearing about his new "awareness" so much, until it starts to upset me. Regarding the 35-year-old, I told my dad we could adopt her. Nothing like humor to say the truth and show the pain at the same time. I am working on figuring out my boundaries in our conversations and interactions -- with my dad -- and, everyone else I come in contact with as well, and how to communicate the truth without being mean, or masking it in humor. Wish me luck.

Again, I thought I would be grieving the loss of my mother on this planet, but, my process is so much bigger. My mom's death changed every little bit of my life, and life sure is going in a different direction. I really want to keep the memories of my life, and the lessons I learned from her, when she was alive; to take the "high road" in dealing with people (for less regrets), to be pleasant...and make life as nice a place to be as you can (why not...you're here anyway...and it's better for your soul...), to be careful who you trust (I needed to pay more attention to this one), to love yourself (be your own best cheerleader) and to love those closest to you. The most important and memorable lesson I learned from her was -- if someone says something in a nasty way (like..."you're not listening to me"), instead of saying something defensive, AGREE with them (like..."yes...you're absolutely right, I'm NOT listening to you"). By agreeing with the person, it throws them off, and sets their ego off as well (as they are now thinking they are "correct"). This keeps me from becoming defensive, and calms the other person down as well. Then, hopefully, some truthful, well-spoken communication can occur. Smart lady, my Mom!

Marty, you wrote that I can't help my Dad, when I am a daughter greiving the loss of her mother. This has made me question if I am grieving the loss of my mother at all?? So many other changes are happening daily, that it takes all I have just to keep up (and grieve) these changes as well. So...am I grieving my mom through all of this? I can't say that I can focus on that specifially as much as I probably need to. But, if I can't do this "wrong", I will trust that all is ok...

Niamh -- Thank you so much for your post, it means a lot to me! Sad to know that you haven't smiled that deeply in so long. I really can relate to that. My smile can't hide the pain in my heart and tears in my eyes. I'm happy to see that your Dad reminded you also, that it is better to feel how you feel. Such good parents -- and such good daughters we are to have listened to them, and listen, still. I will keep focusing on remembering my strength. Thanks again!

It's amazing how much better I feel when I write.

Wishing you all love and comfort.

[Miss Ngu]

Time to write again. Coming up on the first anniversary of my mother's passing. Hard to believe I made it through this year. It's been a numb blur. My grief and depression are getting stronger as we approach the date (May 12th). Thankfully, by reading what other people have gone through and posted, I am not surprised by this. To look back on this year, and see the new realities of my life are really eye-opening. I can try to "spin" my story in a positive fashion all I want, but, it's depressing. That's my view right now.

Here are some things I'm getting used to:

I am being more guarded and not nearly as trusting as I was when my mother was alive. The way I view people now is so different, and I am protecting myself in a different way.

My dad is still very interested in female companionship and keeping busy. He still hardly ever asks how I am doing.

My cats are slowly getting used to each other. I am cat referee and counselor daily. Not nearly where I'd like it to be yet.

The extra weight I have carried for years doesn't want to go away so easily.

My sister, my only living sibling, cares for me very little, I've always been sad about this, but I am realizing there is nothing I can do.

I am sad through it all, and not really enjoying life. I am, however, learning a lot.

Yes...I feel bad about complaining when I know I am lucky as well, and that other people are struggling way worse.

Oh Mom, life was so good with you physically in it. I miss you, and all that you brought to my life, and to our family.

[missingdad]

Hi Miss Ngu,

I too view people differently. When I speak with my friends, my dad's death never really comes up - and I am totally ok with it. It's been 5 months since he passed and my wife is fed up with my complaining about his death. She says I should be grateful for everything else I have but that's not good enough for me. No one has your back like a good father. He was my biggest fan. I have realised I have to get through this myself and feel the sadness, despair, anger... etc in it's entirety. I too feel bad for complaining when I know I'm lucky. I feel like my life was perfect with him in it. Father's day will probably be a difficult day. I can't believe how much of my time is spent thinking about my dad each day.

[Miss Ngu]

Hi missingdad,

Thanks for posting. Yes, I am already dreading Mother's Day. The first anniversary of my mother's death is the day before. Extra tough weekend! I can remember last year on Mother's Day (which fell on May 8th). My mom was is the hospital. I remember getting her a card and some balloons. Of course we didn't know, but she was 4 days away from her death. Her health was so bad, yet, still, I really don't think it sunk-in that this was to be our last Mother's Day together. Seems crazy when I look back on this now.

Just a suggestion, and I don't mean to be upsetting to you, but, if your wife has become "fed up" as you say about your complaining, maybe you could shift the conversation a little towards your friends. Might be an untapped resource. I would suggest you speak with a friend who has also experienced the loss of a parent. I sure wish I had my friends to lean on just a little bit more. I agree that we have to get through this ourselves, ultimately, but some understanding and comfort sure would be nice. Sadly, comfort will never again feel as good as the comfort I got from my mother. I'll have to get used to this somehow (add that to my list).

I guess we don't have to really get through this by ourselves -- we may be online -- and anonymous -- but we do all have each other, and Marty, to lean on through our writing.

Thank you, again.

[missingdad]

Hi Miss Ngu,

I wish you peace on Mother's Day. I do have friends who have lost their fathers a year or more before my dad passed. I'm pleased that they have all recovered and seem to be doing well. I have not talked about it with my wife for the last 2 days and that's ok as it's not helping anyway. I really do feel that nobody understands what I'm going through (except people on this forum). Sadly, I feel like I don't have a complete family anymore.

The comfort I got from my dad was great. I have lost one of the closest people to me, one of the closest ever. Some days I really can't believe it. We're picking up his ashes in the next week or so.

Sometimes I think I should be over it now (it's been 5 months) and I'm 35 yo with a wife and 2 kids.

I had a vivid dream with my dad in it last Sunday night. It was the happiest I felt since his death. I even felt good after I woke up and realised it was just a dream. In fact I am still happy because of that dream.

Thank you for sharing.

[Miss Ngu]

With my mother's 1st year anniversary of her passing coming up on Saturday, I am feeling such overwhelming sadness. So many changes this past year. Here's a new one...My husband and I had breakfast with my dad this morning. All was going well, until my dad told me that he had "intimate relations" with my mother's cousin (while he was traveling and visiting family this past March). Ok -- so -- how weird is that? Probably not weird at all, and happens all the time, but it's all new to me -- and to him. I am getting better with the idea of him finding a woman to share his time with, but, it feels like a reality slap in the face at first. I want to run away, but from what? Life? This, too, makes me more of a grown-up, although, I'm not going into this gracefully.

Mother's Day is everywhere. There is no hiding from it. Reminder after reminder: on tv, in the stores, in the newspaper. I picked flowers from my yard, and will go to my mother's, grandmother's, and brother's graves with them on Saturday. And cry, as I am now, and miss them.

I am my cats' mom. My husband got a great new metal-wire wand toy with a little mouse on the end. They all just love it. It's been a lot of work getting them to tolerate each other. This third cat that we brought into the house reminds me of me. I was brought home to two older siblings (ages 7 and 10) who, not only weren't looking forward to my arrival, but resented the attention that our parents gave to me. So...my two sister cats have to just deal with this new addition, just like my brother and sister had to deal with me. There are no give-backs, and life is about adjusting to the reality of the moment -- and enjoying it, if possible.

To missingdad,

Thank you for posting, and for your good wishes. I am so happy that you had the gift of a happy, vivid dream with your dad! It's something I wish for. I had a dream with my mom in it, but it was very odd. I was so happy to see her, but, in the dream we were mourning my dad's passing?!? Strange, to me, to be in a dream with my deceased mother, and mourning the wrong parent. Oh well...guess I need a dream analyst for this one.

I, also, don't talk about my grief with too many people. The conversation rarely goes where I need, so I don't bother too much anymore. I think I need comfort -- but, there is no comfort for my pain. Still, saying that you don't have a "complete family anymore" sounds very sad to me. This is such a difficult for time for us, and for those who love us.

Regarding your grief, and you thinking you should be "over it" by now, after 5 months, I can say (coming up on one year) that wasn't my experience, and it doesn't appear to be the reality for most people on this site. At 5 months, I was just coming out of my fog of denial (like...self preservation from the pain), and just getting into the reality of life without my mother here with me. It seems to me now, that life without my mom on the planet is going to be a day-by-day, minute-by-minute (sometimes) kind of thing. I have never known life without my mom, and you without your dad -- so -- all has changed.

You also wrote you are picking up your dad's ashes soon. I don't know what that is like, personally, but I think it would be very reactivating for me.

Wishing you, and all who read this, comfort and strength -- and patience with ourselves in our "new" lives.

[Beth M]

Miss Ngu

A year, what a difficult day, and to have it so close to mother's day, I am sure that your heart is filled with grief and sadness. I hope that you are able to think of some happy memories that you and your mom shared as well. Your words to missingdad are so helpful to many of us and I thank you for sharing. I can not imagine the feelings that went through you when your dad told you of his relationship, thinking of him moving on with someone has to be very difficult and strange, but you are right we don't get to run away. Although it would be nice to be able to once in awhile to have a reprieve from the world . I agree with you that learning to live without our parents will be a day to day journey. There are certainly days I am able to smile and think of great things about my dad and things I did with my dad and other days that I see, smell or hear something that brings to the forefront that overwhelming knee buckling grief that we have all experienced. I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers as I am sure this weekend will be very difficult. Beth

[Miss Ngu]

Hi Beth,

Thank you so much for your response. Your comforting words mean a lot to me. You are right, I need to think about happy memories with my mother. My memories, this past year, have mainly been ones from the last year of her life (as her health was, sadly, worsening). I haven't been able to think further back (about the good times, or even the troubled times [like my teenage years]) with my mom without it hurting too much. Lately, however, I am noticing that I can let those memories in a little bit more, and it feels good to remember. Still, the pain isn't too far behind. The pain is that I just miss my mother SO much. I know you can understand this.

I'm crying a lot today, but I'm just going to let myself be where I am. My mother is worth crying for.

Knowing that you will be pulling for me this weekend will help me get through it, and I thank you.

[Miss Ngu]

Well -- I must confess. I don't know what I am doing. All new territory, over here.

The other day, I was at my hairdressers (the same one my mother used). I jokingly asked her if my father had stopped by to ask her to dinner (as it seems he is "hitting up" mostly everyone). She chuckled, and said "no". I asked if she would like to go out with him, and, again she said "no". However, my hairdressers 68-year-old sister (who happened to be there at the time) said that she would go out with him. Oh -- ok. I like her sister enough, I think?! And, they both knew my mother (and father), as the sister once helped take care of an elderly man in my parents' apartment building (hmmm...this could come in handy in the future...). So -- I got her phone number, and gave it to my dad. How weird is this?? Another new level.

Anyway...my dad picked her up from church yesterday, and they went for coffee. My dad was happy, and told me they got along pretty well. He also thanked me for getting her phone number for him.

So...have I gone too far -- or am I progressing well? Only time will tell. I am very uncomfortable -- but -- change is uncomfortable -- right?? Lessons from above, during this lifetime, can be so confusing to me, and hard to decipher which path to take.

I am sad, and miss my mother terribly, as she always set me straight. This second year without my mother on the planet looks like it's still gonna be a wild ride -- as might everyday be from now on -- without her here.

[leftturn61]

am replying late but your stories resonate with me.

I lost my mom on April 13, 2012. She was 87. I lost my best friend,my counselor, my "patient",......my entire life for over a year was my mom.

Not only am I dealing with losing her, I have lost my purpose in life.

I am 51 with 2 teenage sons. One son leaves for college in August. The other son is a junior in high school.

I have a husband of 20 years. I also have a neurological condition called ADEM which leaves me in constant pain continuously. Arthritis seems to be taking over my body.

I was very involved in my church but I feel myself slipping away. I believe that Jesus is my Savior. I love God. I believe my mom is in heaven.

I lost my dad in 1981 unexpectedly to a heart attack when I was 21. I never grieved. I became a "stuffer." I stuffed with alcohol, drugs and men.

I went through a rehab. Straightened out. Met my husband. Kids.

My older brother developed stage IV lung cancer. I brought him to my home in 2003. With hospice, I took care of my brother with my mom's help. We spent 18 great months together before he died. I began drinking again. Nonfeelings.

In 2006,I developed this neurological disease. This disease changed my life. No more drinking. Accepted Christ as my savior. Despite the pain, I began to live.

I promised my mom that I would not drink; I would grieve. It is excrutiating.

My sister lives in another state. She lost her husband on Feb. 28,2012. She grieves by spending times with friends and drinking. Way too much drinking.

I feel alone. My friends are all busy.....I attend a grief support group once a week.

So many awful changes. I don't know if I can do this.

[Miss Ngu]

Hi leftturn61, and thank you for your post. Please accept my condolences for the loss of your mom. I wish you courage and comfort as you allow yourself to grieve. I am sorry to see that you are also experiencing physical pain as well. It sounds as though you have been through a lot, and got to the better side. I'm sure your mom was proud of you.

Yes, feeling alone and without purpose is familiar to me as well. Seems like my purpose in life is to get through each day, do my best, and keep love in my heart and in my words. I can't handle too much right now. I can go into panic attacks pretty easily. I feel fragile. I need to accept that I feel this way, and go with it -- instead of fighting against it. It's just the way it is for now. I have kept my obligations, and am Thankful to have been able to, but, I have also been less social -- and quite happy to be at home. It's like I don't have much strength to deal with the world, and other peoples' energies too much right now. Thankfully, my husband is ok with this as well.

I will offer you the same advice that was offered to me here on this site: take it one day at a time, sometimes minute-by-minute, and don't think too far into the future -- and remember to take care of yourself. It feels tough, but we can do it.

My heart goes out to you.

[leftturn61]

Thank you, Miss Ngu.

My one remaining question : HOW DO YOU BE GOOD TO YOURSELF???? I don't know how.

[Miss Ngu]

Hi leftturn61 -- to answer your question, for me...being good to myself looks like me: eating well, sleeping as best I can, exercising (even though I don't really want to), getting a massage, meditating, helping someone, accepting where I am in my feelings, living up to my obligations without complaint, feeling good that I spoke kindly to my loved ones and the people I encounter, not letting my negativity get the better of me, and keep my thoughts as positive as I can. Also, forgiving myself when I don't do these things.

I have faith that you will find what works for you as well.

[Miss Ngu]

Funny...when my dad originally was looking for companionship after my mom died, I was so uncomfortable with even the thought of this. Now that it has been over a year since my mother's passing, I have really changed my thinking on this subject. I have seen my dad ask out many women, only to be turned down by most. My dad really IS 81 years old, even though he thinks he is 60. Anyway, these past two weeks, he has been experiencing bad back pain (sciatica). He can still get around a bit, but has pain (and is walking with a cane for extra support). He looks like such an old man. Also, he is taking medications that change the tone of his voice, making it sound thin, higher, weaker and frail. It reminds me of my poor mother's voice in the months before she died. So -- now that he is suffering from this pain and losing some weight (because food has no taste, he says, because of the medications he is taking), I am having flashbacks of my mothers demise, and new fears, regarding my dad's health. So, now I am all for him finding a woman who will love him. I hope this happens for him, as I think his health might be depending on it in some way.

[Miss Ngu]

Had a dream... I was driving in my parents car. I was in the backseat. My dad was driving and my mom in the passenger seat (as was usual). We were on a very scary road, and my dad was driving very fast. I was scared, and told him to slow down. That was the whole dream (minus some visual scary road details). What was SO wonderful, was to be in the presence of my mom's "energy" again -- even if it is in my dream. It's like, I can feel her, and remember how she kept my family in line. My dad wanted to please my mom, so, by me saying to him "slow down" in my mom's presence, he would listen, as not to upset her. Yes...it feels I am on a scary road, going too fast, without my mom here to help. And, at the same time, I feel like I live every moment with my mom right by my side, still guiding me. But I miss her here with us SO badly!!!