So Many Changes...

[Miss Ngu]

Well...here it is...my second Christmas without my mom here on the planet, and I miss her more than ever. I still want to call her on the phone everyday, and really feel the "pull" to do so. I "talk" with her, and feel her with me -- but -- it's obviously not the same. I cry -- and miss her comfort, friendship, love and understanding so much!!

My dad is dating a woman that he likes, for about two months now. As I have written previously, he is living to fulfill his ego, and is happy that this woman needs him, and likes that he is a "someone" in our small town. If that is what he needs...so be it. I hadn't met her yet, so thankfully he called me before showing-up with her, at a party we both attended. I was leaving when then finally arrived -- so -- our meeting was extremely brief -- but -- nice. My sister is not ready for any introductions, so, I hope he remains sensitive (as sensitive as he can be) to her needs. I also hope my sister comes to terms with her upset at my dad, and can understand that he is lonely. She would prefer he miss our mother instead -- as I would too, really, but that isn't what is reality.

My husband and I went to visit his family duringThanksgiving, and it was nice to spend time with them, even though I am not that fond of traveling. It's important for my husband to see his elderly parents, as we both know how badly they will be missed.

We are in the process of fixing our new house to get it ready for us to move into. Every day, I feel my mother's strength helping me to do the tasks I need to do (which have been many). It must be her helping me, because, I can't believe I have kept up with all that needs to be done on my own. She taught me well. Now...I must remember to trust that I can get through the difficulty and stress -- and to remember to stay kind (to myself and others).

I named myself Miss Ngu in this forum to (obviously) stand for "missing you" -- as my mother was my everything, and I will miss her every day of my life. Now...if I re-pronounce Miss Ngu in an Asian-kind-of-style (omitting the "g" sound -- which, oddly enough was my mom's name's first initial), I am Miss New. Yes...all is new -- and I am still not enjoying it -- but -- I am getting through it.

Hoping to breathe deeper, and come to more of a peace with life's lessons -- even with all its twists and turns.

[kayc]

Miss Ngu,

Your attitude is very good and that will aid you greatly in this journey none of us asked to be on. I totally get your missing your mom, she sounds like someone very special. I'm sure your dad does miss her and is trying to fill the void she left behind. We cannot wish for someone else to grieve in a certain way, but rather respect that we all do it in our own way, so your dad's way may be different than that of you and your sister, but he is trying to fill his needs as best as he can. I'm glad you explained your name, I often wonder how people choose the name they select for forums, My own mom is very mentally ill and always has been so she was never the mother to me that you describe, but I was so blessed to get such a person for a MIL, and felt about her the way you do about your mom. My MIL has been gone for 25 years now. I remember feeling as you describe, missing her every day, as we used to talk probably three times a day on the phone, and visit about three times a week in person. She was the person who taught me how to remove stains, sooth a colicky baby, and so much more. She was the most thoughtful caring person! She was my best friend. I imagine you are feeling everything I felt and more, since she was there all of your life, and not just since you were grown. (((hugs))) I guess all we can do is aspire to be the kind of people that others would miss, even as your mom and my MIL were to us.

[Miss Ngu]

Hi Kay, and thank you for your response. I really appreciate what your wrote, "I guess all we can do is aspire to be the kind of people that others would miss". This statement made me think about if/how I might be missed by others if I were to depart the planet today. Mostly, I want to keep bettering myself, as I find that I could really go either way (expressing my anger and bemoaning, and being negative toward most things and people -- or -- looking to find some/any positives in situations, and stay on that track as best I can). I believe that love is always the answer, and want to keep living my life towards this policy. There is a lot of negativity to deflect -- from myself and from others, and it can take a lot to stay focused. Thank you for you writing -- and caring. It means a lot to me. My best to you.

[kayc]

Miss Ngu,

I think you are on the right path and will work your way through this in a positive and constructive way...that is your way. Hugs and Happy New Year to you and yours!

[Miss Ngu]

Well...Happy New Year!! Is it? I guess it could be. But, I really don't feel happy -- not yet, at least. This is the second new year being brought in without my mother here on the planet. It still hurts (as it always will) -- but -- time goes on. This is my new life. Everyday since my mom passed-on is like a free-fall. Nothing is the same in my life -- it's like an upside-down world. I know that everything feels different, because I am different. Her death has changed me -- my dad -- my sister -- my whole family, really. It also has obliterated most friendships that I thought I had. Such profound shifts -- that I never could have expected or prepared for. I will always be so Thankful that I had the time that I did with my mom in this life. Our relationship evolved (and we worked hard at it) to become true friends. To be able to rely on someone so much, and have their unconditional love -- and to want to give that to to them as well -- is just so rare, and more precious than I ever knew.

Peace, strength and comfort to you in 2013, dear reader...

Onward...through the fog...

[kayc]

Miss Ngu,

You and I must have been thinking along the same lines. Please read my post about the New Year in the Loss of Spouse section.

I haven't lost my mom yet. She is in Dementia Care. She doesn't know what day it is. But even this is a phase in her life and part of the cycle of life and death spectrum...albeit somewhere in between by my way of viewing it. It is true that loss as profound as yours and mine changes us completely, it changes our lives, how could it not! It does seem odd to say HNY, doesn't it. Yes, Peace, strength and comfort to you in 2013, that is the best we can hope for, isn't it!

[Miss Ngu]

Hi Kay, and thank you for the list of hopes you posted. I keep re-reading them...and they are helping me get through this New Years' night. Hugs -- and thanks -- to you...from me. HNY

[Miss Ngu]

Yesterday, my dad told me that his relationship with his new "lady friend" has become a bit more serious, and they will be dating each other exclusively. Ok -- I know this is a good thing -- but -- I still feel so raw and sad about it. I know he is not replacing my mother, and that we are in different places in our grief -- and life. I told him that it helps to hear him say he is not replacing my mom, and that he is just lonely, and likes this woman's companionship. This is a tough, new adjustment for me, and different than what he is experiencing. I spoke with him about how I am feeling -- and I think he "got it" -- when he saw me tearing-up. It takes A LOT for my dad to see what is happening with other people, as he is consumed only with himself (that is just who he is, and has always been). I told him to go slow in introducing his new companion with my sister, and told him exactly why. Let her meet this woman in small intervals, and get to know her, and get used to the idea. I know it is selfish of me, and I really, ultimately, have no control of anything, but, I told him that I would like my sister's help in caretaking him when/if the time comes, and since it is too soon to know if his new companion will be there when the time comes, he might try to be more sensitive to his other daughter, to not force his newfound happiness on her carelessly -- if he can.

[kayc]

You are right, you can't control what he does, any more than you can your sister's response. Hopefully, if/when the time comes you need to care take your dad, your sister will be there to help you for YOUR sake, if not your dad's, the same as us kids are supportive of each other in our care for my mom in spite of my mom's lack of deservedness.

Your dad's relationship with this new person is separate from what he had with your mom and not a personal reflection on their relationship except that sometimes it's those who have had the best relationships that desire to have another and those who have had bad marriages don't want another go at it, so in a sense, it is a testament to your mom of how she was with him.

[babbent514]

I too feel lost without my Mom.she passed Jan 2012.I don't feel like the same person i was.I miss her so very much.

[babygirl3]

I just read your post. The very first one. I saw how your family dynamic has changed. Mine has as well. My Dad passed away May 2012 and we all have stopped contact. We all try to communicate with Mom but she is like your Dad, very distant, def not herself and it is very hard to keep that relationship going. I have 2 brother's and the younger one was one of my bf's but all of that contact is gone as well. I've never seen a family do what mine has done so this was extremely strange for me. Like you, I thought I would've been more capable of handling this. It is the worst pain I've ever experienced and I'm not the same person. I continue to wonder if I will ever be the person I once was. I will read all the comments. You seem to have gone through a lot that I am experiencing. It is incredibly difficult. I don't think I've slept well and not drempt since he passed away.

[Miss Ngu]

Hi babbent514 and babygirl3 -- Please accept my condolences for the loss of your beloved Mom and Dad, respectively. I am comforted in knowing that others have similar experiences to mine -- and can relate to what I've been through. I am, however, ongoingly amazed at how much my life has changed since my Mom's passing (May 2011), and haven't written on this site lately, mostly because I don't have much positive to say about how my emotional life is looking (even upon coming up on two years without my dear Mom here on the planet).

All I can write, it seems, is that my life has changed SO much -- and closeness with people/friends/family has become something that I no longer recognize -- as it mostly doesn't exist. It is, however, a reality that I am experiencing. My life is much more solitary. I no longer pick up the phone to call anyone when I am feeling troubled. Why bother -- as I don't feel understood or better when the conversation is over. This is a big change for me. Yes, I used to confide in my Mom, mostly -- and the closeness and friendship we shared is not found anywhere else. I realize that our love and connection was extremely special and precious, and I am forever Thankful to have had that with her (the life and strength she gave me helps me to continue to find joy in daily living -- but this has been challenging).

I can say that my relationship with my sister has gotten a bit better. We are still very different, and I barely trust her -- but -- she isn't quite as removed from me as she was when my Mom first died.

My relationship with my 82-year-old Dad has been more troubling to me lately. He is a person I no longer really like -- but I still love. I have been grieving for the man that I thought he was. Yes, he is allowed to change -- and has been changed by his wife's death, but his behavior is very tough to deal with.

Here is something I can't talk about with anyone...he will be getting a penile implant this week to counteract his erectile dysfunction. Also, his relationship with his companion of four months isn't going that well anymore. So...soon I will have disgusting "flirty Daddy" back, trying to get a new girlfriend -- but now he will be "functional". I know that if he was someone else's Dad I would probably think that he still wanted to live life to the fullest, even at his advanced age -- but it's MY Dad, and his behavior is not easy to take.

Oh well -- there is no "move on" for me -- only "live with" and try to enjoy life. So -- I haven't written on this site, because I don't think I have much hope to share with anyone. Life without my beloved Mom has been truly difficult to deal with, and I can't sugar coat it. I know this is only my experience, and that I can write anything I want here -- so -- I guess I should try to write again more often.

I am also not the same person I was, but I am working on loving and supporting the person I am becoming. My Mom made a conscious decision to find joy in life -- and I will too.

My best to you both on this journey.

[Miss Ngu]

Well...here we are...coming up on another Mother's Day holiday. This will be the second one since my mom passed (on May 12, 2011) -- and -- the anniversary of her death falls on THE day this year! The greeting cards are already in the stores, and the tv commercials are already showing items for sale for mom. As if I don't miss her enough already, these reminders are a harsh dose of reality for me.

Every day has been a different kind of Mother's day since she passed. I feel like I am crying out to mom everyday -- asking her to help me cope with the changes that her passing brought on. I also thank her for helping me in all different situations, and for teaching me how to love, and to strive to be a joyful person, living without guilt or regrets. What I am really learning is...It's hard for me to live without my mother, and the "new" world that has emerged. But...I keep working on it.

Here's more on the changes with my dad... yesterday, he shows up and says he had a car accident. What happened is, he is recovering from his surgery (see prior post), and was taking pain medications, he opened the rear driver's-side door of the car, but forgot to close it. He started backing-up and the door hit a post, and bent the door frame, and the glass came out. Thankfully, no one was hurt, and the door can be fixed. He is losing weight, and doesn't look too healthy to me. When I ask him, he says he is ok, and that he will go to his companion's house, and she will take care of him. All of his life's details aren't the point, as much as me feeling like he is an 82-year-old man with a 14-year-old's mind -- and -- mostly -- THERE IS NOTHING I CAN DO ABOUT IT. Yes...I guess this is bothering me the most. This is an adjustment in the making for me. Besides not really foreseeing life without my mom here on the planet, I also never imagined my dad dating after she passed on -- and that he would change to be someone new to me.

Seems like my topic should be: Too many changes.

Oh...and by the way...when you tell anyone that your 82-year-old father has gotten a penile implant -- it shuts them up FAST!

[kayc]

You have a hard time with Mother's Day because you LOST your mom (and on that day of all days, this year!) and I have a hard time with it because I never really had one. I mean we all had someone who gave birth to us but that alone does not make someone a mom. I don't know which is worse...losing one or never having had one. At any rate, my thoughts will be on you that day and I pray it goes okay for you. I know what a struggle it can be when it falls on a major day like that...I lost my George on Father's Day.

[Miss Ngu]

Thank you, Kay, as always for responding. Knowing that you understand and care means a lot to me! It really helps me know that I am not as alone as I feel, and that you are praying for me -- as I do for you, as well. My best to you -- with gratitude.

[Miss Ngu]

I need to write, as so many changes just keep happening. My father's companion is now his girlfriend. I can't say that I know her well -- or really want to get to know her well -- but I am glad my dad is happy. So here is what happened: Each year, my family goes out for a holiday dinner together (in September), but this year my sister said that she and her family (all 11 of them) don't want to do holiday dinner this year. So, they declined. My sister's opinion of my dad's girlfriend is that she is aloof. I agree, his girlfriend does come across as a bit aloof when you first meet her, but, when you talk with her a bit (and keep and open mind) she is rather nice. Just a reminder, dear reader, that my dad is 82 years old and his girlfriend is 79. My sister is rather controlling, and her family (husband, children and grandchildren) all seem to follow along with her opinioins. I, however, have my own mind, and am, honestly, selfish, and know that I have to live with myself and my choices, and I am not willing to have regrets about abandoning my father. I surely don't think that is what my mom would want me to do. Anyway, my dad called me a bit upset, as you can imagine. I told him that my husband and I still would like to go with him and his girlfriend to holiday dinner, and anyone else he chooses to invite.

I'm not sure I am getting my point accross here -- or even what my point may be. It seems, to my sister, her father died when our mother died, as he is, indeed, a different person without my mom. I am not interested in having his girlfriend fill-in as a surrogate mother for me, but I want to continue being in my dad's life. Mostly...my dad and sister are the last of my "core" family, and I will not choose between them -- and shouldn't have to.

So, here it is, another change to deal with and get used to. I am sad, unsure, and lost as life unravels. My only good news, is that I have been treating my peri-menopausal self very well by swimming twice a week, doing yoga twice a week, and exercising on the elliptical and using weights twice a week. Feeling better in my body, and somewhat calmer in my mind. Still...living after my mother's death continues to be challening. I sure hope she is helping us from above.

[Miss Ngu]

Oh yeah...my dad said that it really would have hurt him worse had my sister said that they would only go to dinner if his girlfriend didn't go. Instead...she said that her family had a meeting and decided that they weren't going to do the holiday this year.

Funny how we placate my sister (his daughter), and rationalize what is "ok" to keep some amount of peace in our family. I guess most families do this as well?!?

[kayc]

Of course you don't need a surrogate mother, it'd be different if you were ten, but at this point in life, that wouldn't likely happen. However, I agree that your sister may not be giving her a chance, not as a mother, but as an important person to your dad. Your mom is gone and your dad undoubtedly finds it hard to be alone when he never has been. Your dad should not have to apologize for having a GF nor should he have to attend things w/o her, not unless she is an awful person, and it doesn't sound like that's the case.

Yes, too many families try to avoid conflict instead of "doing the right thing". I'm glad you are doing what you feel is right by your dad, you won't regret it.

[Miss Ngu]

Hi Kay, and thank you for your response -- and support! It helps to write it out -- and to know that someone cares.