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Update To Entry Posted In Anticipatory Grief


mik

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An updat to previously posted entries in anticipatory grief...

I ended up going out to see my partner yesterday. I got to the hospic after a lot of trouble finding it. He was gray in color. Barely knew me. I was devasted. I met his sister for the first time. He was combative and wanted me to take him out of the hospice and take him home. He grabbed my neck swore at me and I had to get the nurse. In the mean time his sister called cindy his other partner and said I was making hom upset. Cindy called me and started screaming at me. I hugged him and left. I traveled 6 hours across the state and had no where to stay. I found a hotle stayed the night and now I am back home.

Cindy told me never to call him again or come to the hospital, which I can't beacuse of the distance. I cried all the way home. I am now in a state of shock, I won't know if he is dead or alive. In my mind he is already gone. I am hopeless. I cant cope. I don't even know how to handle this. If you are confused see previous entries....I could barely get on here. It is right to think of him as gone beacuse I can't contact him? That is how I see. I cant even think straight enough to type this.

Mik

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If it was me I would probably think of him as gone for a coping mechanism and keep an eye on the paper online, because I would want to know. Grief can make people do and say horrible things to people they previously cared about. I'm sorry you are having to deal with this and can only encourage you to keep breathing and coming here to share your thoughts feelings.

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Thank you...I don't know of any other way to cope. Everything I see reminds me of him. I can't eat or sleep.

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mik, I am sorry it went like that for you, that had to be really hard. You are grieving already because to you he is already gone by your way of looking at things...it seems cruel that Cindy could cut you off like that in lieu of all you were to each other, it seems graciousness should trump everything else. I'm sorry it will be hard for you to get answers or resolution, I know how hard that is. Please keep in mind that when one is in pain or dying, they are not themselves, it makes them cantankerous and out of their mind sometimes. They are going through the hardest battle of their lives and have nothing left for anyone else...it doesn't take away from what you had together, but just right now he can't focus on that. Try to remember what you had and the good there was between you and know that if he was well, things would have gone differently...it is not him rejecting you, it is circumstances that have intervened.

Please try to focus on yourself as much as you can, bury yourself in work, try to spend time with friends, keep busy, clean, walk, do whatever will be an outlet for your energy, it will help you sleep better. You might want to see a doctor about getting some sleeping pills for a while to get you by. Take good care of yourself, eat healthy, lots of water, it will help you feel better and release the toxins from all of the negative energy and stress. If you can work in a massage it would help you too.

You are in the worst of it right now, but it will get better with time. I know that doesn't help much, you need some relief now, but it will be coming.

You're in my thoughts and prayers,

Kay

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Thank you. It still feels unresolved and I won't even know when he passes. I need the finality of it. I am afraid to call the hospital for fear that they won't let me speak with him or that he is gone. I am sending out a card today with a samll item that I had bought for him for Christmas. That is all I can do. It may be just thrown away but I did everyhting I could do. She is now blaming me for running off when things got tough. Hello ? I was right there. It took mountains to move for me to get there. Did I over react to both his sister and her screaming and other actions? I was alone in this city with no one and no where to go. My mind couln't take anymore of the drama. I feel guilty for not putting up with their horrible actions but I was supposed to be there for him?

THgis whole relationship has been a drama from day one. I am miserable and dont know what to do. I know most people dont have this kind of drama and bull going on in their world. Does anyone have any more advice. I appreciate all that has been offered. It has helped me, believe me. THank you.

Mik

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My dear Mik,

Although my heart goes out to you as I read your story, I am not comfortable offering advice ~ primarily because it is clear from what you've shared with us that yours is an unusually complicated situation. For that reason, I think the best suggestion I can give you is to encourage you to seek the support of a professional counselor or therapist ~ someone with whom you can meet in person ~ someone who can listen objectively, with a warm and caring heart, to help you sort through and process all of this. Grief is difficult enough to endure, but when it is complicated by so many factors that are beyond your control, it is unrealistic and unfair to yourself to think that you can deal with this all by yourself.

This is not to say that you are not welcome here, my dear ~ by all means I think it's fine that you continue to share whatever you need to say here, and I hope you will continue to feel welcome in doing so ~ I'm simply saying that in a situation as complicated as you describe, I believe that a forum such as this is insufficient to meet your needs. I hope you will think of individual counseling or therapy as a gift you can give yourself. You are worth it, and you certainly do deserve it. ♥

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Mik,

I don't think you need their drama nor can you be expected to deal with it, it just is what it is. I have had six major relationships in my life (four marriages and two other engagements). The one great relationship I had...he passed away. The others broke up with me...one was a long marriage that was more or less a mutual dissolving, the other four broke my heart drastically and without explanation. In all that I have been through, one thing I have surmised...it would be easier for me if I could have closure, explanations, come to some understanding of what transpired, why a change of heart, etc. But that is not a choice that belongs to us...that is something that belongs to the other person. Even in death, although you still loved each other at the time of the death, afterwards there are things arise you can't ask them and get an answer, and that is tough. You are left to deal with the reality of what is and have to somehow adjust without the benefit of understanding. That is more complicated than something neat and tidy, and harder...but it can be done...and has to be. My last fiance broke up with me by Fed Ex and never gave me an explanation. 35 years ago my other fiance broke up with me with no explanation. It took me a long time but I finally learned to accept what is without the benefit of a clean closure and understanding. It can be done. It helps to focus on oneself rather than the other person. You are, in the end, who you are left with, the one you have always been, the person you will always be, the one with your memories, your tastes, your personality, your strengths and weaknesses...you are who you are, and it helps to rediscover yourself as your own best friend. After all, you will never leave you, you will always be there for you, it helps to learn to truly love you for who you are. It has helped me to focus on looking after my own best interests rather than someone external. I have had to concentrate on getting myself healthy within and look for some kind of joy in my life, however small...that is one of the harder things to do as one is deeply entrenched in grief, but also one of the most important things we can do for ourselves.

As Marty has said, you may benefit from some one on one counseling. Meanwhile, I continue to be here for you, and one of the most important things I can do for you is care and listen. I may not have been in the exact same situation as you, but I have been through enough in my life that I can relate to different aspects of what you are going through. I'm sure you are feeling betrayed by Cindy and also your BF's sister, you feel your place with him has not been acknowledged rightly and all of your feelings are valid. But the question is, what do you do about it? It does no good to harbor bad feelings, it does no good to seek vindication, nor is it needed. Keep in mind that your relationship was with him and not them and love is not something that dies with the body, but continues on. Try to keep faith in the love that you've shared and know that it is not dependent on his ability to express it, nor is it done away with if he cannot do so. You are in that letting go process...the letting go of all that you knew in it's form, as it's changing and your world with it. And that is such a painful process. But you can get through this. It takes so much effort and focus, I used to wonder why we are called upon to exert so much energy, effort, focus, when we are most depleted of it! Ironic, isn't it! I have lived through the most unthinkable and somehow survived it, and I know if I can, anyone can...it's just when we are in so much pain and feel so alone, it is terribly hard to believe, but hang on to that thought.

Remember to try and live in the present, don't take on the whole rest of your life, it's too much to digest right now. Take one day at a time, and if that's too much, break it down into an hour or a minute. The same way, don't try to deal with all problems at once, tackle only one at a time. If you find yourself overcome with worry, schedule a time and set a limit on when you'll ponder the things bothering you. Say give five minutes to it at 8:00 pm and when it is 8:05 pm, turn it off and tell yourself the time is up. Little by little find yourself channeling your "worry time" into constructive times to consider solutions. Believe it or not, this has helped me. I am on my last week of unemployment and hoping for an extension until I can get a job. When I first lost my job, I broke my right elbow. Since I live alone, I didn't know how I'd go to the bathroom, cook, mow the lawn, walk the dogs, etc., let alone look for work, go to job interviews, etc. Well now it's 5 1/2 months later and I survived it. Sometimes we survive what we can't possibly fathom, whether it's something physical or emotional. Today brings me new challenges...not only continuing to look for work and the threat of losing my home, but my mom has severe dementia and mental illness and we are trying to figure out how to deal with her situation. I may not have any answers but I know somehow or another, life works its way out.

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