Am I Wrong?

[Spika]

Just this past August my dad died of cancer. About 2 weeks after he died, my mom started spending all her time with a male employee of hers... I am also an employee of hers. Anyway, he told me that he has feelings for her. She told me that nothing is going on, they are just friends. However, I see the way they are with each other. They spend all their time together too, outside of work. He was even at Thanksgiving with my mom and I. And she was going to bring him along this weekend when she and I go out for my birthday.

Am I wrong for being so uncomfortable with this? No one could take the place of my dad but I don’t like that this guy is always around where my dad used to be. He calls me sweetheart, and my mom wanted me to meet his kids. I know that something is going on but I am not ready to move on and accept someone else being around all the time. I feel as though it is disrespectful to my dad’s memory and just too fast to move on like that.

That said, I am not going to tell my mom who to spend her time with, she can spend it with anyone. But I just don’t care to be around her so much if she also has him around every time. I told her once that it was weird for me to have this guy around all the time, but when she wanted him there for my birthday, I had to tell her again. She said she understood. I accepted him being there for Thanksgiving but do I have to accept it every time? Is it awful of me to even think this way?

[The Flamingo]

I was in your situation before, trying to deal with a sudden stranger in the house my parents had built together. I don't think you're wrong. You're actually being quite respectful by the sounds of it, trying to be tolerant for your mom's sake even though the situation makes you uncomfortable. Just don't put yourself out too far... you have the right to voice your discomfort if he's being pushed into your life and you aren't ready for that.

[MartyT]

Spika, dear, let me add my voice to Flamingo's in assuring you that you are not wrong for feeling as you do, and you certainly are not awful for thinking as you are. As we've said so many times on this site, it is pointless to place value judgments on how we feel, because we have so little control over what we are feeling in a given situation. What we can control, however, is how we behave ~ and again I agree with Flamingo that your behavior toward your mom is respectful and quite admirable in light of how you're feeling about all of this.

I want to point you to an article that I hope will help: Is My Widowed Mother 'Moving On Too Soon?'

[Spika]

Thank you for the input. I do try to be respectful of my mom's choices. I guess I do somewhat realize that my mom is human, she has the same wants and desires as anyone else. More over, I understand that things aren't always as simple and I'd like them to be. Mom + Dad doesn't always mean beacon of stability, perfection, and love. Though I hate to admit it, my dad seemed like the only truly happy person in their marriage, and even then... sometimes he even had his moments.

My feelings aside, all I ever wanted for them was to be happy. If my mom finds happiness this way, who am I to butt in? The case would have been the same for my dad. But, I do have a sense of betrayal (as the article in which Marty gave, expressed) about it. My dad’s place next to my mother is so sacred to me, and so freshly taken. Maybe if the guy treated me less family-like then I wouldn’t feel so offended.

Well who is to say what would happen. All I know is what is happening. Thank you for the article MartyT, I found it very interesting. You mention a book in the article called, “Fatherless Women”, and after checking my local library, I will probably go pick the book up today. Anything to help explain all these convoluted feelings. I told my mom to just give me time to get used to someone new. Hopefully time will help… I just don’t know how much time it will take.

Even now, sometimes the finality of my dad not being alive hits me like a ton of bricks. I know he is gone but sometimes to think that I will never ever see him again shocks me. Maybe when I can accept it without feeling that way is when I can get used to someone new around all the time. And hopefully that book will give me some additional insight that will help. I would like to accept it, I don’t want to cause any drama from this.

[MartyT]

Bless your heart, Spika ~ I so admire your working so hard to find your way through this, and I understand completely your feelings about honoring your father. This is by no means meant to be a comparison, but I remember so well how I felt toward my sister when, shortly after her divorce, she began dating another man. I found it very, very difficult to accept! After all, the man she divorced had been my brother-in-law for 25 years! He was my sons' uncle; my niece and nephew's father; my own husband's fishing partner. It did not matter that my sister's reasons for divorcing him were totally valid (he had descended into chronic alcoholism and was just a mess); in fact, I had been urging her for years to end her very dysfunctional marriage. Nevertheless, the outward display of affection she and her new love displayed in front of me made me very, very uncomfortable ~ and I felt extremely jealous of what felt to me like this man's possessiveness, inasmuch as he drew my sister's attention away from me and onto him. Today, several years later, my sister is a completely different woman, because she is married to a man who loves her dearly. We've all accepted her second husband as a treasured member of our family, just as he has accepted us. But it took time to get to that place ~ more than a few years, actually. So give yourself time to adjust to this situation with your mom ~ and recognize that your reactions now are colored by the fact that you are mourning the loss of your father. This is a process, and it cannot be accomplished in a matter of days, or weeks, or months. If the love between your mom and this new man in her life is true, it will show, and your relationship with your mom will only get better in the years to come.

[tarandaria]

Im sorry that you are going through this. I know i would be feeling the same way. Im sure you are angry. Maybe this is your moms way of denying your dads death or maybe this was going on before he passed. i always feel like i may be using the wrong words. Im in a similiar situation. Rather disfunctional. I lost my dad, sister ain law and 2 months later my best friend and sister at 30. my dad and sister were always very close. My mom and brother live together and are raising my sisters son. They act married. Im excluded from everything. I was excluded from seeing my sister after she died MORBID it sounds. maybe we all grief different. I was asked by my sister a long time ago to take care of her after she died. my brother went to the crematory withut me. he told me afterwards he was nprotecting me. i dont think i will ever forgive him. Your not alone. we may have different or similar stories that are tragic. we all have suffered losses and are angry and sad and confused.

You may want to keep your distance from your mom for a bit. It helped me. I was so angry....

Hang in there. easier said than done.

[Spika]

I'm sorry you all know how hard this is. Thank you for your responses and I know that eventually, things will turn out ok and I will get used to whatever decision my mom makes. I love her, and now that my father is gone, it makes me realize more how special my mom is to me. Life is just too short.