Lost My Fiance

[jwielg1017]

I'm new to this board. I joined because I lost my fiance Mike to brain cancer 2 months ago. He had a rough 2 years since diagnosed. Started with an out of the blue seizure. Going through everything that goes with having cancer, I was his care giver. I'm 28 years old, and I was his caregiver. Between, hospitals, surgeries, MRi after MRI, medicine, speech impairment, vision impairment. My heart broke for him. It's hard to see someone you love in pain. December 23, 2011 would have marked our 1 year anniversary to getting engaged. I'm still going through all of the motions. Every day is hard. Feels like it's getting harder. One minute he was here and the next gone. I went to the cemetary for the first time this week. That was tough. I still ask all those questions, why, why him, why us? I'll never understand why things happen the way they do. I try to be strong, because I know that's what he would want me to do, but somehow I just can't. I'm miserable, depressed, sad, angry, empty, all in one. I guess I joined to see if there was anyone else out there that felt the same.

[kayc]

I'm sorry you lost your fiance and to such a debilitating illness. To have been through so much at your age...you are in between my son and daughter's ages. "Why" is the most natural question in the world, and perhaps the most futile one, but we all ask it until we realize we don't get any resounding answers back...then we change over to "What now" instead. And that's the question that is the hardest to answer and can take some time. Having been his caregiver puts you in the role of having lost what WAS your purpose...it'll take you some time to adjust and figure out what to do with your life now that you no longer have him to take care of and share with. Loss is the hardest thing in the world to experience, esp. with your partner, it affects so much of your existence. We are here to listen and care, and yes, we've been through these same losses and feelings, all in our own unique journey and experience.

[mik]

I feel like you do. I lost my partner yesterday after a month long illness. I couln't even be there during his final moments....I am heartsick and despondent. I honestly don't know how to cope...but my heart goes out to you. Mik

[Dusky]

Dear Jwielg1017,

I have been a member of this site for over 6 years now. I don't respond very often any more to messages - however - when I saw your message - Jwielj1017 - I had to write to you. I lost my partner of 27 years to a brian tumor 6 years ago. I can only assume from the fact that you lost your partner in such a short time that he had the smae type of brain tumor as my partner (Jack). His was a GBM tumor - the worst kind you can have. I understand the terrible pain that such a loss has on the surviving spouse. Please know that there are others like me who understand how difficult this is for you. Please take a look at my web sitre (listed below). I set it up to help people who have lost someone they love. It also helps me promote a book I wrote about my loss of Jack. You may find that helpful as well since your partner died from the same terrible disease.

[jwielg1017]

Thank you to those who responded. Means a lot.

Yes, My fiance Mike had a glioblastoma. He had the seizure, which is how we found out about the tumor. I've come to call that disease the devil. It's horrible. His vision became blurry from the tumor. Had speech impairment. He couldn't read anymore. I'm very angry now. I'm very sad, and empty feeling. LIke a piece of me is missing. It's like I wrote all my dreams on a piece of paper, and someone came and ripped the paper up and said "START OVER". It's like how? How do I pick up the pieces when I feel so lifeless. How am I suppose to live each day, when such a big part of my life is gone now? Everything I do reminds me of him. Songs, I hear remind me of him. I had to walk out of a grocery store one day in tears, because I saw carrot juice. CARROT JUICE!!! I used to buy him carrot juice all the time, so as soon as i saw it, it flipped a switch in me like "i would have bought that for him, but now I can't anymore" it's little things that trigger me to a crying episode. It's very hard. I lost my parents when I was young. Lost my mother to breast cancer when I was 8 and lost my dad to stroke when I was 18, and those were hard losses. But, this loss for me is by far the hardest to deal with.

[dave s]

So sorry for your loss, lost Mike 7 months ago so understand your agony.....and also know how little things can trigger such emotions.........Dave

[kayc]

jwielg1017,

Oh yes, things like carrot juice, seemingly innocuous things, just creep out of nowhere and strike when you least expect it...it's called a "trigger" and anything in your memory can evoke one. It's hard because of all of the emotions it conjures up. All of us can relate to what you wrote, we've all been there. I don't think any of us knew how to start over or what to do, but there are some things we've learned along the way that have aided us in our journey. Right now this is all so fresh for you, it'd probably be hard for you to process too much right now, just getting through this day is more than enough. Try not to think about the "rest of your life", it's much too much to bite off right now, but remember to take one day at a time, or one hour, or one minute, whatever you can handle. Take good care of yourself physically, it will help your outlook, take walks, eat healthy, drink lots of water, etc, also massages if you can manage, they're good at getting rid of the toxins and relieving stress. Yoga, meditation, prayer, anything of a spiritual nature if you can muster. It's not uncommon to find yourself unable to pray for a year or so following a loss like this, even if you were an avid pray-er before. Try not to worry about it, your mind, body, spirit, has had a huge jolt and it will understandably take a long time to absorb the shock. Meanwhile, we're here for you, and it helps to express what you're feeling and going through. It's esp. hard for young people because they often feel "different" than others their age...while others are partying or pursuing their careers, you're feeling like your life is over and undoubtedly feeling old because of the experience. It makes it hard to relate to others your age. Frankly, what kind of nail polish to use just doesn't seem important. You may, for a while, relate more to older people, because of what you've gone through, but you are still young so you may not feel you fit in anywhere...that will, with time, sort itself out, trust me, I've been there.

You have been through so much, with the loss of the most important people in your life, it just isn't fair. I'm so sorry. (((hugs)))

My heart goes out to you, I know all too well those empty feelings.