Jump to content

Who Would Have Thought?


Recommended Posts

I am not sure that many of you know the connection I have with our Cheryl on this site. I was one of the nurses on duty, when her husband Mark was tragically killed, I only remember the impact of the death of a man...my age........and how uncomfortable it was to know the family was there, I ran and hid, not knowing what else to do at that time......never, ever guessing that I would be, in her shoes 7 months ago tomorrow.

And I never would have guessed that I would have contact with Mark's family, again but imagine my surprise, to have met Cheryl on this site and the connection that we share! Who would have thought!

Today I met Cheryl for lunch, it was so good to see her in person, and the incredible comfort that I received from her wisdom. As you all have been an incredible source of support and encouragement, Cheryl has been lucky enough to answer the phone when I have been having one of my many "meltdowns" and has been able to reason me through this debilitating grief...........and for that I am so grateful! Who would have thought that while doing my job I would be rewarded for this a short time later.It is an enormous feeling to me that we are all connected, somehow. Thanks Cheryl and also thanks to all of you for your kindness and patience with me.

Tomorrow is the 7 month anniversary, the start of this journey, without Mike. During this time I have felt like I was frozen in a lake unable to move ........lately for some reason the grief although ever present, is not as debilitating. I have found myself this week, thinking of the future and feeling that old friend, that left me 7 months ago.....that old friend........ called excitement. I have been looking forward to my kids coming for xmas, looking forward to taking better care of myself, physically, looking forward to not being obsessed about cleaning the house, for that has been, I guess, my coping mechanism.......cleaning and scrubbing...and looking forward to a future with a new career, and a new love.....I feel some excitement that I maybe breaking through the ice.......

Anyhow at 7 months still find my mind racing...I am so forgetfull, still find myself getting choked up over....."little things".......but am hanging in there, find my relationship with Mike continuing on another plane and in a sense......have been really thinking that maybe I am privileged to be going through this ordeal. I am not happy and whole yet, but seeing that maybe there can be joy again.........

Thanks to all and please continue to take care! Dave

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Dave, it's good to hear you're on the road to things getting better. It hasn't worked out that way for me but there are silver linings in every cloud, even if only the learning through the experience...we have all learned so much through our journey and if it's made us "get it" more and more compassionate, then that is a silver lining...it doesn't outweigh the loss by any means, but in this situation, we have to take what we can get in the positive realm. :)

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Although I need to get back to wrking in the ICU ER......I havent since Mike died......critical thinking skills are gone, but lately feel that they are returning. Currently am scared to death to get to work and care for someone dieing, and will have a set back, with that being said, I know that setbacks can be positive/healthy. Have the opportunity to wrk tomorrow......but am I ready. Yes have feeling better lately.......am really scared to get out there again in the life/death business. Dave

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I think it'd be hard at first but I think it'd get better. Is there someone at the hospital you can talk to about your concerns? An administrator or supervisor maybe? Is there an assessment they can do to help you determine if you're ready? For most jobs it's not so critical, but for yours it is.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Dear Dave,

Thank you for your kind words. I feel blessed to have crossed your path. Who would have thought that day of loss would impact us both through our grief journeys! Such a small world and yet living in such a large city it does seem odd the events unfolded in such a way that we were able to connect. Was it God or coincidence? I'd like to believe that all things have a reason and purpose. No one could save my husband that day but I'm willing to bet that through his death many wonderful things will happen. Lives will be changed and for me a new found strength and resilense to worldly problems is inevitable. I am becoming a new person a better person.

I too never thought my life would take this ugly road at such a young age. Mark and Mike were so young and had so much more to contribute! The shock for us both is sad and often dibilitating. But like you I have begun to reshape and anticipate a new future. I am so glad the 7 month anniversary was more peaceful for you. You deserve a rest from the pain and sadness. Hang in there! cheryl

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Interesting weekend for me, Saturday returnd to the Hospice facility where Mike died, to find the room that he had empty.....spent some time in the room.....amazing to me how the last couple of days of his life came to me in such vivid colors, it was like a movie, down to the colors Mike was wearing the roses I had picked for him, where I had everything placed in the room.......even his annoying friend that wouldnt stop talking and talking while he was passing..........for some reason......it was good for me.

Went Estate Sale shopping on my way home, probably wasnt a good idea to go shopping, when emotions are labile, picked up stuff that I didnt need, but was so cheap......will be used eventually, or perhaps, gifts.....while at one sale I noticed some nice looking Tuscan style wooden chests, with no price, I asked the lady about this and she quoted me $5.00 a piece.

The perfect way to store some of Mikes items, yesterday I actually placed his empty shampoo bottles in 1 of them.....for me ...I felt like I had conquered one battle ( please forgive the font change.....computer issues here ), had to call everyone, felt like a victory!

Then last night while arranging the boxes and moving some his clothing, I smelled Mike! Era laundry detergent!!! It smelled so good had to place a pair of his underwear in a baggy and it is store along with the shampoo bottles! I called my mom, who wasnt impressed, and yet I was so excited about my weekend!

I am not over this journey by any stretch.....but last week could see the grief.......not so debilatating......it felt so much " better", at least for a moment........Dave

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Dave, I had to laugh when you said you discovered his smell in some underwear...Era laundry detergent, ha! I chuckled at your mom's not being impressed. Ahh, so it is, only us, who truly understand. I cried the day I could no longer smell George in his clothing or the sheets. But I remember his smell, always...not detergent or cologne though, but HIS smell, it was the best smell on earth!

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Have spent the last 3 days, running on 2-3 hrs of sleep, after 15-16 hr days, with my commute....honestly my " first " run of insomnia since this has begun, my mind at night can race with thoughts of what to do next...more home improvements? cleaning? I actually have narrowed it down to me........returning to school, and doing something, that I want to do....but what is that????? Now is the time to concentrate on that...have spent my life caring for others.........now it is time to care for me....... a foreign feeling to me!.....and actually an exciting feeling.... so many conflicting thoughts!

Today was weepy......know it is the exhaustion....but still struggle with letting go of the pain associated with my love for Mike....does this make sense? but seeing how this needs to be done, at least for me in my grief journey...

Today I spoke again with my many daily conversations with that Best Friend of mine Colton, MY 5 yr old nephew, he is to be here in 8 days!!!!!!!!!!!!! As we all are faced with the thought of not going on, after this experience.......this kid of mine has kept me going.......today he asked if we could play with the horses and chickens and Legos,when he comes to " Zona" he actually asked if we could play legos all night when he is here!!! yes I have the time off, he and his sister will give me a run for for my $...and yes I will take my run as the favorite Uncle Damn serious......long to hug those babies!!!

Well actually think I maybe able to sleep, so will try

thinking of you all.....Dave, also known as bestfriend and favorite...

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Dear Dave,

It seems like my mind and focus is as clear as a microscope. I really was nevus about school and keeping up. It are Them that are trying to keep up with me. My final grade for the course, that goes on record is a 99. I am really proud of myself and I try to set an example for all to follow. It can be done.

I know emotions are hard. I am a very emotional persons, I always have been. On Saturday night we had the Christmas Play. The choir opened with the songs, just a few minutes a woman who knew Pauline before asked about her and her final day, I did not want to talk about it, but me being me, I talk to everyone who wants to talk or wants to listen, so I told her of the final day right up to the last breather and after. Of course by this time my eyes are water falls. Them it was time to go on stage. I was never so glad to be short and in the back row, although on risers, I wiped my tears, eyes, and face, a sip of water, a big smile, bright eyes, just in time for the light to come up on us, and I hit every note perfect, every song. It was healing for me that night.

I would like to leave you with a couple, quotes I came across this week, I have hundreds I have saved after Pauline passed, the first made me think about a lot of us in grief.

Herman Hesser Wrote: Some of us think Holding on Makes us Strong, but Sometimes it is the LETTING GO!!!

Then I read this one and it really hit home with me, because, it is in the place where I am at now.

Author Unknown: One thing the Passing of blank, (I used Pauline), taught me, is Life is short and YOU Disserve, to be HAPPY!!!

God Bless

Dwayne

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I am glad to hear that you are enjoying a moment where the grief is not so debilitating, I hope it is the beginning of a better emotional state for you.

It's interesting to me that you kept his empty shampoo bottles. I kept similar things of Emilee's and people think that I have lost my mind and should throw them away, that it's just garbage. I'm glad to see that I am not the only person who kept such things.

Again, glad to see you are finding a glimmer of peace. Take care.

-Jeanie

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!

Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.

Sign In Now
×
×
  • Create New...