I Am So Angry About Everything

[Anne E]

I haven't posted in several months. I honestly thought I was "moving on" and doing so much better........wrong I guess. Dick has been gone for almost 4 years. I have been in a "blue funk" since before Thanksgiving. It is just so hard for me to be.

Everything drives me nutz. I am so incredibly tired of having to do everything. I am so angry that I have to face everything, I mean everything alone. I DON'T WANT TO!!!!!

I am so tired of crying and feeling weepy. I don't even feel like trying to be happy, or looking for joy, I do not want to soldier on, I refuse to marvel at the beauty around me. I may just punch the next "helpful" person who makes those suggestions.

I am totally, I think, rational. I know I do not have a choice. I just do not want to anymore.

Thanksgiving was barely tolerable for me. Then, Nov. 28th can, it was Dick's birthday. I fought all day just to make it through the day. Now Christmas is facing ms. I Don't Want To!!!!! I forced myself to put up a little tree, cried the whole time I decorated the stupid thing, then put all the rest of the decorations back in the garage. That stupid tree will probably be up this time next year. I have always loved our Christmas tree, but am getting no joy out of the stupid thing this year.

I have been to my counselor and to the grief support group and have found both helpful, but I'm still pissed.

I have all this "stuff" that I have GOT to get done by the end of the year, but I'm on strike!

I am the guardian/custodian of Dick's 57 year old mentally challenged brother. The supervisor of the group home where he lives called me to tell me that policies have changed and now I can not send a check for over $75.00 at a time for his "cash" account. Really? I have sent a monthly check for $300 for years. Now I will need to send a check for no more than $75.00 every time he needs something or runs out of money? Really? I hung up on her rather than just explode. All of the federal and state reports pertaining to my brother-in-law have to be completed and mailed before the end of the year. I Do Not Want To Deal With This Crap!

There are serious consequences to suffer if I don't get the stuff done and "problem solve" with people , but I just am so mad about having to tend to it all by myself yet again, that I can hardly stand it!!

My attitude totally needs adjustment.

My counselor tells me not to be surprised about how I feel.........that I am beginning to feel again. Yippee Skippy!

I swear, if one more person calls me and tells me I need to "tend" to a problem or something, or asks me to do something for them, I may snap!

Thanks for listening. I know what I am going through is just part of the process, but I HATE IT!

I want my husband back!!!

Anne

[LarrysGirl]

Same here Anne, I stay angry. Like you, I just want my old life back. Deborah

[Dwaynecg]

Dear Anne,

We all want our old life back, but it would be selfish of me to have Pauline back in pain, no use of her legs, her cognitive thinking was not the same as it was 1 1/2 years before. I loved her so much I would have laid down my life for her, she knew that too. So to go back to that NO, go back to 20 years ago before the MS, yes, but we do not get that choice in life. Pauline made me promise her a few things before she passed. Everyone is very hard for me to do, but I will do them, because I gave my word to her, and without trust in each other what would we have had. Surely not a Loving Honest marriage. Right now I am working one of the promises I made to her. That is to grieve, and yet to go after my goal of becoming a nurse. I am the oldest one in my class and I was really worried about keeping up with the young people. Well they are chasing me. I have the highest scores by far over all the others. It is very hard work, not much sleep, but I am doing it.

As far as doing everything yourself, I had to do that for years, because my Dear wife Pauline was not able to do it any more. I worked a full time job, came home took care of cooking, cleaning, laundry, Ironing, and the most important part was taking care of Pauline. I would go to be around 11:30-12:00 and up at 4:00. Taking her to the bathroom, giving her MED's making sure she had, water, and other drink in reach as well as lunch. I know what it is like to do it all.

You may not want to hear this but I will say it anyway. There are just 2 things you can do. Keep doing what you are doing now or, Get Up Stand on Your Feet and take one step at a time out of the darkness and into the light of the land of the living again. No it is not easy to do. It is a process everyday, to keep fighting for life. Just ask yourself this. Is Dick Pleased with the way I see and feel things in life? I know the answer, he would tell you NO, I LOVE YOU, I WANT YOU TO FIND some kind of PEACE again.

Not to be stuck in anger all the time.

Out of all the emotions and feelings I have gone through, ANGER has never been one of those feelings or emotions I will ever bring out over the passing of Pauline, for me if I was to get angry at MS or her passing, it would mean I would have to be angry at Pauline, and that is something I will never ever do. I really do, hope you can find your peace and comfort, we all need that in our lives.

God Bless

Dwayne

[Anne E]

Dwayne, I too spent years and years taking care of first Dick's parents as they aged and died and then Dick as his lungs failed and his health declined. I am very used to doing it all.

I just, at this moment in time, do not want to do it. I know Dick is up in heaven looking at me and shaking his head in that certain way he always had, which was a his sign to me to "shape up". I understand all that.

I think I am just at the point where I have suddenly decided that I don't need to or want to put on that happy face, confident air and determined walk for one more minute. I'm just tired of how hard it is to hold it all together.

I'm going to give myself today to wallow in my self pity like a pig is warm mud, then tomorrow, pick up the pieces and soldier on. I'm just not going to think about how much I hate it all.

Life is a journey, not a lovely short morning walk in the park. I get all that. Perhaps it's OK to finally have a bit of time when I can admit to myself and everyone else that I am not all that and a bag of chips. That I am a wounded human being who has survived.

Anne

[Dwaynecg]

Dear Anne,

You are sooo right this is not an easy journey at all. I am glad that you can picture Dick with that look on his face as he watches over you. And yes it is ok from time to time to get into the space that you are in right now. I had thought, and my mistake for thinking so, that the anger has been their for 4 years now every single day, and hour. A few days ok, but after that we are truly dishonoring our loved one by staying in that same place unable to move even a tiny inch forwards. It fills my heart with peace to here that, yes you are in these feelings of anger, and gloom, and that you will pick yourself up again in a day or two, or three, and once again, you take, steps forwards into your new life, the unknown life, that feeling where we have never been and we are way out of our comfort zone. I have something for you to try. Take both hands put the in front of you, now once you do that , bring your hands together interlocking your fingers, and thumbs. Now that you have your hands locked together look to see which thumb is over the other one. If your right thumb is over the left thumb, that is the natural way you have always locked your hands together, the same is true if the left thumb is over the right thumb, it is the way you have always done for all your live. It is our subconscious way of doing things that we do not even think about. Now unlock your hands and put them back together with the thumbs in the opposite place from the natural one for you. You can immediately, feel how uncomfortable this is. It is the same for our travel into our new life. Very uncomfortable, ground that we have never been on although we may have seen the sights hundreds of times before, now the ground and our surroundings seem so different. It makes us just want to run back to our comfort zone, but sadly our comfort zone is also changed, different, so again we are faced with that same question, Who am I? Where am I? Which path should I follow? How can I move on? These are all very hard questions to try and, find the answers to. Sometime grief is just to much for a person, and they just give up on themselves and life, sometimes a person wants to move forwards, but grief has such a strong hold on the they need help and the right tools to get pulled out of the quagmire they are in. I am always here for you anytime you need any kind of help. I do not have all the answers, but I do want to live, I am making a new and different life. You it is Pauline wanted me and made me promise her, that I would become a nurse, now at the age of 57, and not being in school sense 1973, I did not if I would be able to keep up with the younger generation. We have 12 students in my class, 9 are under 30 most of those are under 25, 1 are under 40, 1 is under 45, that leaves me. At the end of Terminology I was the only one to score 100% on all 14 test. On my final exam on Monday I scored a 98%, I really though it would be a 100, but I am fine with that. Only 2 of us scored above a 95. most scored mid 80's. So it is they young minds tying to keep up with the old. Who said you can't teach an old dog new tricks.

Take care Anne, I hope you can find some peace and comfort.

God Bless

Dwayne

[kayc]

Anne,

I hear you loud and clear, and I think most of us have experienced anger regarding our loved one's death. I don't know how far away your BIL lives, but if it's too far to take money to in person, perhaps you could mail a $75 check every day for four days instead of $300 at once? Just a suggestion...I know it's really not about their rules, it's about the anger you're feeling. Sometimes it's hard to know what to do with our anger, it can be such a strong emotion. The only thing I've known to do with mine is to channel it energy wise, cleaning...I know that sounds stupid, but it gets out a lot of energy and it helps me to spend it...it drains me, leaving me less energy for anger. The good news is you don't have to do anything you don't want to do, you don't have to do the holidays, and you will get around to doing the things you absolutely need to do when you absolutely need to do them.

(((hugs)))

Kay

[Anne E]

Progress today. The person I have been needing to talk to about the situation with Bruce, my brother-in-law, called again and I was able to calmly, without anger, tell her that I will not be spending time constantly checking with them to be sure Bruce has money. I do not feel that I need to be penalized because one of their care-providers in another town, could not be trusted. Therefore, I will continue to send a lump sum monthly and advised them to open an account with that money, get Bruce a debit card and move on.

I feel good about standing up for my self and doing it maturely, without anger.

All journeys start with little steps.

[Anne E]

Kay,

My Brother-in-law lives in the middle of Kansas, and I live in South Central Colorado. It's a bit of a drive.

[kayc]

I'd say it's a bit of a drive! I am so glad you stood up to them, good for you! What are they going to do, turn your money down? If he needs money, they should accept it, and you're right, you shouldn't have to be penalized because of someone else.

[Dwaynecg]

Dear Anne,

What town in Colorado? I was born and raised in Bailey, on US 285 SE of Denver, actually it was a west of Bailey just a dot on the map 1 mile west of Shawnee. This is a very small world.

God Bless

Dwayne

[mfh]

Dear Anne,

You have a lot to juggle! You handled that money situation with your brother-in-law in a fantastic way..took the bull by the horns, put the responsibility where it belongs, and stayed calm. Who could ask for more? You have a lot on your plate...no news to you....and every right to "feel sorry for yourself"....we all feel sorry for ourselves off and on. We have all been left with a lot to juggle and a gigantic bowl full of pain... and I, like you and others, all feel angry off and on about the loss we have experienced and its fall out. We need to vent now and then and I just want you to know it is fine with me if you vent. I did that a couple weeks ago and that is one of the reasons we are all here....to express our feelings and know they are heard, accepted and not judged by the group.

Peace,

Mary

[Susie Q]

Dear Anne

Sometimes it all just overflows. I'm capable and confident in life, but as you said, there are days when I just don't want to be.

I take a different approach to Dwayne.I think it's more than OK to have days that you are feeling and acting overwhelmed.

At those times, I don't get dressed, I watch TV in bed all day, I don't answer the phone, I usually cry and eat and sleep a lot. Somehow I feel better after that and am ready to have another go at facing the world. They are my hideaway days, my time to wallow in this awful loss that I feel, to regroup.

My husband died suddenly so I was not his caregiver - I was the one surrounded by loving arms and his strong and calm support for 32 years and especially at the times when the world was just too hard to face.

I'm missing that so very much - and on the days when I feel really low I give myself permission to stop pretending to be the person that makes everyone else feel comfortable.

I know now that the doldrums will pass, but I seem to need those down times, and I actually lean into them rather than fight it.

One thing I've learned through this ordeal is that you just have to do, what you have to do, to survive...Susie Q

[mfh]

Dear Susie Q

I agree with you....we do what we must do....sometimes it means laying low for a day or even two, get our center back as much as possible and march on....I plan to take the last three days of the year to do just this....a mini retreat...plan to tell 3 friends that I am ok and lay low, read, journal, watch tv, and paint paint paint.....we do what we must do.

Mary

[terp8r]

Susie Q, wow, everything you wrote is like I wrote it myself. I feel and do the same things. I even called in sick twice this semester because I just didn't have the strength to get up and get dressed and both times I just layed around and cried or slept and both times I felt re-energized the following day. It works for me. Peace and love to all, Pam

[sandyl]

Hi Anne-

I Am So Angry About Everything sums it up for me too.

I just passed the two-year anniversary of my husband's death on December 16th. I have been in such a blue mood for the past few months - more than usual I mean. I think I've shed just as many tears in the past month as I did two years ago.

The last few days the anger has set in - I am so tired of being around people and dealing with people I could scream.

I've always been a low-key type of person who doesn't make waves - I usually try to smooth things over rather than confront someone. It takes alot to make me lose my temper. But lately I'm ready to tell it like it is. Unfortunately, some of my good friends would be the recipients of my rage, and it's probably not fair to them - they have been so supportive in so many ways.

BUT - I'm so tired of hearing about how busy one friend is with her husband and family - hardly a minute to spend any time with me. Of course it's always with good reason, and I always tell her how I understand and that I'm okay. HAH!

Another friend has no clue, even tho she's a widow too, longer than me. I've known her for many years. Saw her on the anniversary of my husband's death, and she said nothing - I'm sure she didn't realize, but she should have! She always tells me how busy her week-ends are - "just packed" - doesn't seem to notice when I'm quiet about my lack of plans.

I don't need to be busy all the time - as a matter of fact I find I need some alone time and sometimes really prefer that - but I don't want to hear about all the social activities others are involved it - don't know why it gets to me so much, but it does.

My low-key approach will probably prevail, but in my mind I'd like to tell them how much it hurts!

Sandyl

[Anne E]

Thank you all for your thoughtful responses to my venting. It is hard for me to even tell you how much this means to me.

Here's a bit of an update. I am feeling a bit better. Finally, I am sleeping better at night and don't feel so worn out. I just don't deal well with "stuff" when I am overly tired and I know that. It doesn't make it any easier for me to get to sleep when I lay there and tell myself that I will be a gritch in the morning if I don't get some sleep. This is something I am definitely going to have to discuss again with my doctor.

I am able to enjoy my little Christmas tree. It is interesting to discover when I look at it the other day, that in my fit of self pity, the decorations I picked out of the boxes to put on the tree are the some of the ones that Dick and I just loved. Today, I am glad I made the effort.

However, my feelings about the Christmas Cards has not changed and I refuse to do them! So There! (I'll probably feel very guilty about this in a couple of weeks, but I will deal with that if and when the guilt happens.)

Yesterday and today I baked gifts for a very few close friends. Since I moved from Kansas to Canon City, Colorado, baking is a bit of an adventure. The altitude is high enough that some figuring is involved. I didn't get angry, I just got it done and feel good about the effort!

The support, advise and suggestions you all shared with me are a gift .... Thank you!

Merry Christmas (or Bah Humbug! Which ever fits your mood!)

[nats]

Hello Anne E,

We all do what we must to get thru each day, I also picked the favorite decorations for my tree that Ruth and I enjoyed, my oldest son had helped her get a complete Dr. Suess "Cat In The Hat" collection from Burger King (as he was manager)years before I met her, it was her favorite and they are on the tree, I also put the ones we had collected over the years....keep moving forward at your pace and as far as the cards, myself I would reconsider as the last thing we need during this journey is regret if we didn't do something or say something to someone, I've done that and felt the regret it adds to the grief, not fun, but that's just me...sounds like you are adjusting as we must, be easy with yourself and keep the positive energy flowing....

Merry Christmas

NATS

[ksbeachbum]

Anne:

Good for you I like your attitude. If it feels right do it if not leave it. Christmas cards.... I refused to do them this year as it was a lousy year and I have nothing good to report to people. Maybe next year and I don't feel guilty about it. Christmas tree... we (I mean I, can't get used to that I stuff) put it up but did not want too. I am so glad I did... I also have some of our favorite ornaments on it and I do smile when I sit here and look at it. We traveled a lot and we always picked up a Christmas ornament from everywhere we went. So... I look at the tree and I have all kinds of memories with him with each and every ornament. Christmas was always my husband's holiday. He was a kid at heart and he always picked out gifts for all the little nieces and nephews. He took special interest in getting something special to match each ones personality. He had a gift for that and they loved his gifts. The joke was I was always the grinch or scrooge. Last Christmas he got me a grinch shirt and he was so sick at Christmas that he did not give it to me. Last month as I was going through his drawers and cleaning out stuff, I found that grinch shirt with all the tags still on it. I will take special pride in that shirt and will be wearing it on Christmas Day. That is my Christmas gift!

Blessings

Becky

[Anne E]

Bless your heart Becky. That grinch shirt would be priceless to me and I too would take special pride in wearing it on Christmas Day.

Yesterday, the mail brought the two "brag letters" we get every year from a could of Dick's cousins. To read their letters, you would think their families never have a cloudy day, it never rains on their parade, they have and do everything anyone could imagine. I can't stand receiving their letters. This has not been a terrific year for me, so I will not be so phony! No Christmas Cards this year. Maybe I'll send 4th of July cards? Who knows.

I can't believe how many people I have talked to this year who are having a difficult time with the holidays. They can't put their finger on what is causing them to feel the way they do. They have not suffered a loss, they have employment, they are healthy, they just can't seem to feel happy. I am beginning to realize that perhaps we put too much into a huge outward show of joy, an inflated since of being happy.

Perhaps my celebration this year will just be to reflect of the 40 years of living Dick and I shared. The great experiences, the magical moments, the silliness, the disappointments and setbacks we shared and overcame; the mind-numbing fear and loss; the deep love we shared and the knowledge that he is no longer suffering and I have survived and am stronger. I think that's quite a bit to think about and wrap my little mind around. I think this year, I am going to look for contentment and peace. Dick would like that.

Anne

[kayc]

Sandyl,

Welcome, I am glad you found us here and posted and hope you will continue to come back. I'm sorry you lost your husband and hope you feel comfortable sharing here with us.

I have a friend who is also widowed and her life is full and active, sometimes I think so she doesn't have to be alone and think. She doesn't believe one should show their feelings except alone/private. When my dad passed away, my mom did not shed a tear and came home and started throwing his things away. Us kids had a hard time with that, it seemed so unfeeling! she said God didn't want her to be sad for him, etc. and I think that's just hogwash. When Jesus heard his friend Lazarus died, it says he wept. The Bible also says to rejoice with those who rejoice and weep with those who weep, so we know that the not being sad or crying idea comes from people, not from the Bible. We not only have a right to cry and mourn, but it seems unavoidable if you're a member of the human race and suffer a loss of this magnitude!

[dave s]

Becky I to would wear that shirt with pride on Xmas day, what a gift! Anne what a wonderfull gift peace and contentment would be!! I personally cant stand doing Xmas cards......for those important to me I will call them personally on Xmas......it means more to me to hear their voice.....Peace and contentment THAT IS ALL I WANT!!! Funny you talk about the challenge of cooking in a higher altitude, when I was a kid we moved from Ks to Wy, remember mom cursing the altitude when she cooked, the other day she was talking and laughing about the many cakes that went bad as a result.....I thought they were good, as a kid anything sweet was good....funny the memories...... Dave

[kayc]

Becky, it seems the perfect time to wear your grinch shirt, I love that! I make my own cards, I have for over 25 years, sell them in the local art gallery and on eBay...I bought a rubber stamp that says "Bah Humbug!" I should have used it this year, maybe next year if/when I lose my home. Enough is enough! Not enough to lose my husband, my job, but now my home too? I want a grinch shirt!

[Anne E]

Good Evening Everyone!

Thought I would update you on how things have been going. I am feeling much better. Made a fast trip to Kansas to "up close and personally" deal with the issues surrounding my brother-in-laws money and some other issues. Not a happy camper having to drive by myself 500 miles from Colorado to the middle of Kansas in January. The weather totally cooperated so the trip was made safely.

I remembered and used the statement -- That does not work for me as I talked with people concerning the issues. It is amazing how that statement takes the wind out of pushy, self-important people!

A saving account has been opened for the handling of the cash. After I send the check to the bank, I'm totally out of the picture and they can just do what they want with the money, I don't care.

I rather climbed up the chain of command with the agency which controls the services Bruce receives and ended up having a nice conversation with the Director. The "That does not work for me" statement became the "Let me tell you what does works for me" statement. The Director was not happy about how the whole mess was handled and apologized over and over for the inconveniences I suffered through. It does make me feel good that they may think about bugging me about stuff for a while. That will be a relief.

This standing up for myself and "sharing" how I am feeling about having to deal with this frustration is pretty cool. My counselor has been talking to me about not stuffing my feelings......she may be creating a monster.

While back in Kansas, I ran into several friends and caught up on what is going on with them. It was nice to see them and to hear that I look good and that they could tell I have lost 50 pounds! Why do people assume that you have a boyfriend if you finally decide to do something, like lose weight, for yourself? It's an insulting statement, and I, in keeping with my "sharing how I am feeling" told them so! The monster is growing!!!

Again, I want to thank you all for listening to me rant and rave and sharing your comments. It really, really helps me!

Anne

[mfh]

You should be glowing with well earned pride. Your strength and persistence is to be admired congrats. Mary

[dave s]

Wow your statement " that does not work for me" has hit home here......Thanks.....have a feeling that will be in my vocabulary alot! very powerfull to me! Thanks, glad the roads were good, amazing his time of yr, and reminds me I need to make a trip to ks soon.....Dave