I Just Don't Know What To Do....

[JeanieW]

Hi all, newbie here. On August 16th of this year, my partner passed away. She was 28 years old, seemed to be healthy. She had a brain aneurysm that we were unaware of that ruptured. She died in my arms, before the ambulance even made it to the house. It was 3 weeks before our anniversary.

I just can't get a grip on myself since she has passed. I'm so angry and sad all the time. I can't seem to maintain my relationships with others. I can't seem to follow through with the basic everyday things I need to do, such as chores. I am so close to quitting my job just because I can't deal with having to get out of bed to go. I drink too much because I want to feel numb. I just can't seem to function. She was everything to me, I don't know how to do life without her and I am so sick of waking up every morning to face another day alone.

[Dwaynecg]

Dear Jeanie,

We have all had the very same feelings and emotions that you are going through right now.

I would like to welcome you this wonderful place where there is a lot of great people who can help you in this deep dark despair. It has only been a few months, please do not expect to much from yourself right now. Instead of quitting your job, maybe they can give you a leave of absence for awhile. Dealing with the passing of your loved one is very hard on you emotionally and physically as well. Try to eat healthy, get as much rest as you can, and do not let others close to you tell you how or what you should be doing. It helps to get into a grief support group. I go to Hospice meetings every week in 2 different towns, with the same counselor. Most of all keep coming back. I am so sorry for your loss.

God Bless

Dwayne

[mfh]

Hello Jeanie,

I am so sorry about your loss. We, here, all understand how devastating it is to lose our partners in life. My husband died last year. I remember feeling just as you feel and no one on the earth could convince me that I would not always feel as desperate. I still hurt a lot. I cry daily for some reason...sometimes two minutes and sometimes longer. The most important thing is that you are gentle with yourself, try to take care of yourself with decent food and some walks. If you have someone to talk to, do that. It helps a lot. I saw a grief counselor and also was in a spousal loss group through our Hospice here. I have been on this group for a year now. Everyone here gets it, no one judges or pushes or tries to fix it. We just listen, embrace and care a lot. We support each other and our moderator, Marty, is a caring and wise woman who will also provide guidance and resources. So come often and know we understand. It does get better. It changes...I rarely wail anymore but did a fair share of it for months and months. Now it comes and goes...like riding a roller coaster...up and down...Take care, Mary

[dave s]

Oh Jeanie...how I understand.......I lost my Mike just over 7 months ago on 5/9/11....the journey since has been a challenge....with moments I was sure I couldnt go anymore.....but I have. Give yourself sometime and one of my favorite phrases...from one of my grief support counselors.......Take gentle care....Can you take time off from work? I have had to do that...for my survival. Come here often, usually I am on here everyday, this site has been.....a life saver.....thinking of you Dave

[nats]

Jeanie,

We all have felt your loss and confusion, finding the site will indeed be helpful for you, I am approaching my second year since my wife passed and the people here are very "healing" as they/we understand unlike the people who have not gone thru this journey, and frankly I pray they never have to...take things slow and at your pace as impossible as it seems now you will adapt but at your pace we can not rush this process, but we can and do have a big part in how quick we move on based on how we approach this on a daily basis, I choose to face it head on taking control as Ruth would have wanted, moving forward with positve energy and not living in sorrow each day...however you feel, know you can come here and find many answers and thoughts to help you ease the pain you feel...

NATS

[JeanieW]

Thank you all so much for the kind words, I appreciate them so much.

I'd love to take some time off work, but I can't. I'm a nurse in a long term care facility, haven't been there long enough to accumulate vacation days. I would just ask for some bereavement time, but I live in an area where LGBT discrimination policy is not yet in place, I wouldn't want to out myself to the director of nursing and face the possibility of losing my job.

It's hard though, I feel like I can barely function at work. If everything goes smoothly I can manage, but if someone's status changes and they have to go out, I panic and freeze. It's just hard to feel confident about anything at all anymore, since I was so confident that she and I had so much time together and I was wrong.

All I can do is go in to work and take it as it comes. It's not always easy, I've broken down in my hall a few times and had to go take a prolonged break. Little things seem to trigger my grief and when it happens, holding back the tears is impossible.

[dave s]

Jeanie isnt it so weird use to be so easy to get as a nurse, now? A sure sign of tough economic times....when we nurses are struggling to work! What I am telling you is part of my story, it worked for me in AZ, which is considered to be a "conservative" state.

When Mike got ill I filled out FMLA paperwork, he passed before it was okd by HR......but his Hospice Doctor kindly wrote for me to be off work....I had some time saved up, but ran out of it.....and went without pay for a couple of pay periods. I am unclear of the laws, so dont quote me, but here they have to hold my job for a certain amount of time, due to recieving care from a MD. The only care he gave was for me to take it easy and have some fun, those were his words. Fun......not sure what that means!

I was in the closet at work forever, most people had no idea of my relationship with Mike, at one point I was scared of their reaction......then being filled with so much pain, I didnt give a damn who knew that I had lost the most important person in my life!!! I was surprised with others reactions and support......it was good. I was also surprised of others tha knew of me, one particular, redneck cowboy down the street saw me gave me a hug and stated " I am so sorry about the loss of your love" I only bring up what his reaction was due to the fact you maybe surprised of how supportive others are, I use to stereotype others, despite not liking the same done for me....have learned not to do that as people can surprise you. That cowboy was supportive and yet what I viewed as my close supportive friends, some were not. Guess I am trying to say keep an open mind, your boss maybe supportive.........BUT of course you know best, how to proceed at your end.

I have had to stop working IcuER, but am planning on going back soon...or at least to a step down unit......didnt know what my reaction were going to be when things went bad.....and have primarily stayed in Behavioral Health since.......something for you to entertain??

Best wishes and take care....Dave

[terp8r]

Jeanie, I'm so sorry for your loss. My husband's passing was totally unexpected also. Sometimes, I think we're all suffering from PTSD. How unexpected triggers can take us down into the black hole. I'm so sorry you had to join our group, but you will find an outstanding group of honest, warm and comforting souls here. I wish for you moments of peace and quiet. That's about all we can do sometimes, moment to moment. Love and hugs, Pam

[kayc]

Jeannie,

I am sorry you lost your partner, I know it's the hardest thing in the world and we can all relate to what you're going through. Try not to quit your job without another one unless you can afford to because I'm out of work and looking for a job and that's a tough place to be in right now. The alcohol only makes it worse, but I can certainly understand the temptation. Have you thought of finding a grief support group? I'm sorry you aren't in a supportive environment at work...you wouldn't necessarily have to "out" yourself, you could just say your best friend and roommate died, but then I guess that wouldn't give you the bereavement time off. Oh if only everything were equitable and people would be more tolerant and caring of one another, I hate discrimination, I'm so sorry! It's just not fair. I know people are different in differing parts of the county/world, thank God some places are becoming more accepting instead of letting fear rule. I do know what it's like to have to go back to work before you're ready and feel you don't know where you left your brains because you can't focus. It gets better, but oh gosh it's hard at first! I don't feel I ever completely returned to the "pre-death" person I was before. Many here can relate.

Well at least you've found a wonderful caring site here, and these people are great, we're like a family, we can come and pour out our feelings and be understood and cared about, and we welcome you here and want you to feel at home with us. There's almost always someone on line so there's a listening ear when you need it.

(((hugs)))

Kay

[Susie Q]

Jeanie

I know the total devastation and loss of your future that comes with the sudden death of the one that lights your world. My husband died of a cerebral haemmorhage in August 2009 - no previous illness history and he had been fit and active up till that time.

All we can do is to keep trying to get through each day and the many challenges they present. It won't feel any better for a long time and you need to prepare yourself for that. Eventually, the raw pain becomes something more manageable for much, but not all of the time. This is a long and difficult path but take heart that others have been through it and you can survive too....Susie Q

[JeanieW]

Thank you all for your warm replies.

Dave, I wasn't fully out before Emilee died. My family didn't know about me. That's a long, complicated story, so I won't go into it. But after she died, I felt like I had cheated her by not being honest with people about how much she meant to me. I didn't care anymore. I finally came out to my family. My dad hasn't spoken to me since I came out to him, but thankfully, the rest of my family has been supportive. I might talk to the Director of Nursing once I can feel her out a little better, but she is brand new and I don't know a thing about her. I'm not sure they'd give me any time anyway, seeing as how it has been 4 months since she has passed. I need to think on this more.

Pam, I'm honestly surprised that I don't seem to have PTSD, they circumstances of her death were so sudden and horrific. No flashbacks, thank goodness, just nightmares. Those are bad enough. It is easy to be pulled into that grief, the smallest things can set me off on a crying frenzy. I just have no control and that's a hard thing for me.

Susie, I believe that is the hardest thing for me, how suddenly she was gone. I did not expect it at all so it's still hard to accept that she is gone. Every once in a while I still wake up in the middle of the night, foggy headed, and reach over for her just to discover she is not there. I still can't accept that she is gone. I even find myself still doing little things for her that I did when she was alive, like buying her favorite candy bar. I have a stash of probably around 30 Whatchamacallit bars in my cabinet that I have bought since she died. I used to buy them for her all the time and I just can't seem to bring myself to stop buying them. My kids, who are all under the age of 11, keep asking if they can have them and I can't bring myself to let them eat even one.

I feel like a crazy person sometimes. I wake up in the middle of the night and could swear that I feel her with me. I don't know, maybe she is or maybe I am just losing my mind. It almost feels like she is lying right next to me sometimes when I first wake up, but only for a second then it's gone. I still have a hard time not calling her number or texting her and when I post on her Facebook wall, I still almost wait for a response even though I know that is impossible.

It's so hard to be in love with a dead woman. I just don't feel like I can do this anymore sometimes and it has only been 4 months, so how am I supposed to do it for the rest of my life?

[terp8r]

Jeanie, I assure you, you are not crazy. I've done and felt everything you wrote about and probably many others here have too. I send private messages to my Harv's Facebook and I always check to see if he replied. It's been six months now since his death( there, I said it. Not passing or lost him) and I understand everything you're feeling. I send you warm hugs. Love, Pam

[kayc]

My George passed away unexpectedly and suddenly from a heart attack...we hadn't even known he had heart trouble. I was away on a trip and they took him by ambulance to the hospital, but by the time I got there...I never got that "last alone time" with him to talk...there were people, doctors, nurses, etc. then they moved him and when I was allowed to see him, he was asleep...he woke up having another heart attack and they made me leave. I will never forget the frantic look in his eyes as they're pulling me out of his room...I so wanted to stay there and be with him, but they locked the doors behind me. I thought that was the cruelest thing in the world and I don't care what their reasons were for it, it was inhumane. I wanted to be with my loved one as he passed from this life into the next.

Right now you're still in that state of disbelief, you haven't gotten used to her not being there yet, and that's a hard place because we keep expecting to hear their voice when we answer the phone, or we hear the door opening and we look up expecting to see them. When enough time passes, we no longer expect anything. You're right, it is so hard right now, it's hard to imagine spending the rest of your life doing this. It helps to try and stay in the present and not think about the whole future looming before you, it's enough to handle today.

You are not crazy, although you'll feel like you are...we've all been there. Things like the candy bars may not make rational sense, but then they don't have to. We do the craziest things, but they're normal for what we're going through.

I'm sorry your dad has responded the way he has, that is so sad. You know it's ignorance, fear, maybe he thinks it's a reflection on him, who knows, but whatever it is, it's inappropriate response. We can't control what others think, say, do, only take control of our own lives. I totally understand your feelings as to why you came out, and personally, I'm proud of you for standing up for her and being honest, even at the price you had to pay for it. I'm glad the rest of your family has been more accepting.

You're in my thoughts and prayers,

Kay