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Tears, pictures, memories, and the love in my heart....that's all that left. Why are some days so cruel? It's like a sick joke. Days that are a little peaceful followed by the DARK days...the days I just don't feel like breathing. I attended a monthly church "generic" birthday party yesterday. Forced myself to get out only to feel like turning around and running once I got there. Here are 25 widows. All quite a bit further along in age than I am. I watched them smile and laugh enjoying their time together and all I could do is wonder how...how have they survived for years without their husbands..how have they been able to reach a place of peace where they can smile and laugh. All I could think is I hope I don't have that many years ahead to be apart from Gene. I watch the world from inside where the pain is...and I don't really want any part of it now. My world is gone.

So sorry everyone...it's a day of silent screams. I know we all are hurting. A friend of mine who introduced Gene and I years ago and also lost her husband 14 years ago was honest with me yesterday. I told her I don't know what happy is anymore and she said I'll never be happy but I would learn to enjoy things around me again. And she reminded me Gene and I have children and grandchildren. Maybe I'm left behind to make sure these little grandchildren know how wonderful a man Gene was..how much he loved them.

I miss you Gene!


Always Gene!

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I am sorry, I know it's hard. I try so hard, I made the decision to choose to live, and I try to, but there are always reminders that send me reeling in pain. It doesn't stop. I've accepted that. I try to find good where there is and accept the pain and the loss, it's all I can do. I love you and care about you and wish there was something I could say to take away the hurt.

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