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Blocking This Pain


mik

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I have been realizing that I have been blocking his memory every time I begin to think of him. It causes pain and anxiety. I try to set specific times to grieve. After work, when alone, in my car, but I find myself graviting away from it due to the discomfort. I recently sought the help of a therepist. I know if I don't deal with it it will be that much worse later on down the road. It caused anxiety which I didn't expect as much as grief. Knowing I have to go to bed it is hard to do this as I need to sleep so I can go to work and be productive. I dread my first dream of him and have willed it away...I am afraid I will be so upset I won't be able to function. I am in a kind of limbo now..not grieveing and not happy..just living.I don't expect happiness..maybe never but this limb is uncomfortable as well. Has anyone ever experienced this? being so afraid to grieve that they block it away? I have put his pictures and reminders away from day one, but I am thinking of getting them back out..I read an old email of his this morning and the tears came instantly..but I had to go to work so I concentrated on other things...do you find the time to grieve? I know its here..i Have the time but it just hurts so damed bad! I miss him so much...I don't know how I will make it at times....I can't even grieve like a normal person!!! I am abnormal there is no doubt in my mind..flawed and screwed up...

Kim

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Wow Kim. I feel the EXACT same way and do the same things (putting memories away for a much later time, avoid thoughts and limpness) it is my way of dealing with it...I have recently stated smoking cannabis which I feel numbs the pain and allows me to float carelessly in my own thoughts although in these thoughts I still try to avoid any thought of my Dad. I however have not reached a stage where I cannot bare to live without cannabis (or the free and healing feeling) and WARN you if you try this treatment do not let it control your life. I enjoy setting a time once a week on a friday/saturday night where i can just calmly smoke and allow myself time where I am not so depressed. Please do not use this as something you NEED everyday but set yourself some alone time where you can actually be content. Dave

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