Grieving Boyfriend Ended The Relationship

[lilyy]

Hello,

My boyfriend of five years lost his father unexpectedly and suddenly about seven months ago. He also ended our romantic relationship six months ago. At first I was confused because I simply didn't understand why he would try to distance himself from me during a time like this. But after a while and after talking to him several times about the breakup, I began to grow more understanding of why he broke up with me and for a while, I was fine with that until very recently. For example, lately I've been feeling like I should really limit my contact with him or have no contact with him so that I can work on myself, focus on my goals, and try to move on with my life. However, I am confused about what to do because I feel like I should be there for him and knowing him, I feel like if I were to stop talking to him, he's going to want to completely shut me off of from his life, but in a hostile manner. And I simply don't know how to go about explaining this to him.

Thank you in advance. I just need a space to vent since this is something that's tough for me to go through and I would love to speak to people who have been in similar situations.

[kayc]

Lilyy,

I am sorry you've found yourself on this end of the "break up due to death" issues...there's several of us that have been through that...it's very shocking at first and hard to process.

Your inner self is trying to tell you what YOU need for YOU to heal. As long as you continue contact with him, it can be disruptive to your healing process. After a time, it could be you could be casual friends, I'm able to with my ex-fiance now, but it doesn't work that way with everyone. The important thing is to do what you need to do for YOU right now.

I would just talk to him and let him know that it's hard for you to heal and move on when you have contact with him and you need a break for a while at least and if there comes a day you feel you're over him, then perhaps you can be casual friends, but for right now, it's too hard for you. He is a grown up and made his choice, he is capable of seeking out someone else to talk to and be there for him...he should not expect that to be you.

I wish you the best, I know how hard it is. By the same token, they do need to understand they can't have it both ways. Things are NOT as they once were and it's important that they get that.

[lilyy]

Thank you so much for replying. I feel like I'm back in square one though. I was starting to feel better and in the past month he had been contacting me more often and saying really sweet things that would make me smile and what not. He seemed better and on a happier note since he was starting to come around again and romance me again. Then, during the last week of January I found out, through some petty argument between him and some girl on Facebook, that he had met up with a girl from high school back in October 2011, they talked, caught up on each other's lives, and kissed. The girl wrote on his wall and said something like "Do you really want me to say the things you've been doing lately and how you kissed me and wanted to keep it from Lily?!" At first I was just so hurt and I thought to myself "How could he do that to me behind my back? Especially since I've been there for him, gone out of my way for him to comfort him, and waiting for him like an idiot" I immediately messaged him through Facebook, he then called me, we talked for a long time and denied it, saying that he'd never do that to me, especially with her because she's a, excuse me, slut. I then believed him because that girl is known to cause drama and isn't quite a lady. But, about a day or two afterwards I messaged him late night and told him that I couldn't imagine someone writing stuff like that just to cause heartache and hurt someone, especially someone who she's never met (me). The next day he replied with a long message saying he had a guilty conscience, that they did kiss but that it was a "stupid, lame peck," that it didn't mean anything at all and that he couldn't believe that he "had just kissed a whore." He claimed that he felt so guilty right afterwards for doing so and that he wasn't thinking straight, was a spur of the moment kind of thing because he was feeling vulnerable and depressed and that he was giving him mixed feelings so it just happened. We talked again on the phone for a long time (we're in a long distance relationship, well, about 1.25 hrs away) and I asked him why he kept it from me and that even though we weren't officially together, it was still hurtful because he clearly knew how I felt about him and we were still being intimate at the time so to me, it felt like there were still strings attached. He said that he kept it from me because he was scared of how I'd react, that he feared that he'd really lose me and that he didn't want to hurt me. He cried a couple of times during all of this and asked me to forgive him plenty of times because he still loves me, but he also told me that if I don't want to talk to him anymore, that he'd understand and that ultimately, he wants the best for me even if it means moving on without him.

For the most part, I forgave him because I don't doubt anything that he said. It still hurts though. I feel disrespected and in a way, betrayed. All of this happened about a month ago and ever since, he had been so attentive and sweet. He visited me this past 3 day weekend, we had a great time and even asked me to be his girlfriend again. I said no to him, though. I told him that a part of me really wants to be with him and make things work between us but that I also feel like we need to work on each other before we can commit to a relationship again. He agreed, said that it was reasonable, and seemed willing to work on himself so that he can be completely ready to commit to me again (which is something that surprised me because up until this point he had been pessimistic about his future and didn't care so much about improving himself). But, now, a week later, he kind of re-broke up with me and that's why I feel like I'm back in square one. He's being more uncertain again about us and his future. He's feeling down again and says that it really hurts him see his mom cry over his dad and says that that's his priority right now, taking care of his mom. I'm trying to be as understanding as I can but it's just so hard for me to try and put myself together again. It's just so hard because I don't necessarily doubt that he still loves me and cares for me but I can't hold on to that and hope that things will be much better again soon because it'll only keep me from moving on. And I even asked him today if we were officially single and he said yes, and also asked him "So I shouldn't wait for you and move on?" and he said yes.

But yeah, I agree with you about telling him that I need to take a break from him and really limit my contact with him. I know that he'll be understanding but I'm just worried that I'm going to be the one needing him the most because I currently feel like I still need him by my side. I'm just too attached and it's hard to let go :/

[kayc]

You feel disrespected because you ARE! You feel betrayed because you ARE! If it was me, I would go NO CONTACT on him. I would do it for ME because it would be what I needed. It has nothing to do with whether or not you see how it happened or understand what was going on his life...this is about YOU and what YOU need, not about him. He needs to take a back seat to you. Concentrate on what is healthy and helpful for YOU! Talk to your best friends, sisters, mother, someone you're close to that knows you will and get their opinions as well. This man lied to you repeatedly, he betrayed you, even though you've been so understanding. This is the best you can expect from him. PAST BEHAVIOR IS THE BEST PREDICTOR OF FUTURE BEHAVIOR. He has shown you what a future hanging on for him would be like. Ups and downs, hurts, disappointments, wondering why he doesn't see you as good enough for him, wondering when he'll cheat on you again, etc. That is no way to live! Get the backbone to block him on FB, texting, phone, email. Do not take his calls, no more discussions, over. Once you've made it through the first month or two, you will feel so much better. It is when you are waffling and thinking "what if" that you drag out the getting over him process and it prohibits healing. Do what is best for YOU!

This guy will never miss you, value you, or respect you as long as you are letting him do what he's done to you. Do NOT "wait in the wings" for him! Move on with your life and leave HIM wondering what became of you, etc. And let him wonder away, don't make contact, don't give him the satisfaction of knowing anything. Don't appease his conscience by letting him know your life turned out okay, don't let him value you less by thinking you didn't get over him, don't let him know ANYTHING! Let your friends know they are NOT to discuss you with him! Let your family know the same.

If he was all that into you he wouldn't be coming up with reasons to not be with you, he wouldn't be disrespecting and betraying you, he wouldn't break up with you, he wouldn't hurt you. He is NOT all that into you, and IMHO he's the loser for not seeing what he had. When you make up your mind you're going to get over him and go on to have a good and happy life without him in it, you will heal and do well...and you will be way ahead for not having him in your life, dragging you down and hurting you. I am so sorry he's done this to you again. It's hard for me not to be spitting mad because I've seen this scenario played out time and again with guys...or gals, it knows no gender. I hate to see people be dishonest and lead people on and hurt them unnecessarily. Grrr!

[lilyy]

But how do I go about doing this? I've grown so accustomed and attached to him that it's tough to cut off all contact with him. It's sort of mind blowing to think about not having him in my future anymore. Because right now, I feel like I really do want to move on, grow, and live life without him. But a part of me wants to really grow older with him and share my future with him. But then I think about what if he does those things to me again? Like what if he recedes and closes himself up when things get tough again (because I am sure they will) and leaves me to pull us or myself out of the gutter. I don't want to deal with that again. I feel like I've taken on all this weight and responsibility to push him and ourselves forward and it's really tiring. I want someone who's also going to pull his weight when things get tough and discuss his troubles with me so that we can work on them together instead of simply breaking up with me so suddenly. I don't know, it's just so confusing and weird to me. I've never been through a breakup before since he's been my first and only boyfriend and we've been together for a fairly long time. I've also been his first and only girlfriend therefore I don't really think he knows how to deal with this.

[kayc]

It takes sheer determination and strength to block him, esp. at first, but you do it because you know it's the right thing to do and that's what spurs you on and makes you stay at task. Every time you waver, just remind yourself what he's put you through and ask yourself if you want more of the same, because that's what you'd be in for. I was engaged to my fiance for a year and he broke up with me by Fed Ex when his mom was dying. After she passed away 2 1/2 months later, I sent him a sympathy card. He called me and talked for 3 1/2 hours. I felt I gave him that remote chance by having contact with him again afterwards to see if it was just him being sleep deprived and losing his mind with grief, but the next month he put me through an emotional roller coaster...he'd call every day and then not for two weeks, he'd say he intended to come up sometime and visit and then when I invited him, he gave me a vehement NO!!! A little overboard, I might add. I cried all the way home (I was driving) and determined never to let him make me cry again. I haven't let him inside of me that close again. Since I have closed my heart to him, I can talk to him, but most people can't do that, so I wouldn't advise it for most...some can after a year or so, but everyone is different. If you know it's killing you inside, going dark on him is what you must do to protect yourself. Don't be scared, what can he do to you that he hasn't already done? Cut you off? You be in charge, you cut HIM off!

[lilyy]

Your ex fiance sounds like my ex boyfriend.

I just deleted him on facebook a while ago. I called him afterwards. I don't really know why, but I just did. I told him that I had a deleted him on facebook, he then said he didn't care. I told him I did it because I need some time off and I just keep going to his page, which doesn't help me at all, so I had to do something about it. But yeah, he was basically being a jerk about it. And I just finished crying a bit. I'm done. I've got other stuff to worry about and giving him more of my time is only holding me back from getting other stuff done.

Thank you for listening. I really appreciate it

[snap]

I've been the reverse situation to you, my father died and my ex left me shortly after. However I've felt what you're feeling and my ex treated me in a similar way your ex is treating you.

I'll put it bluntly.

He's keeping you on a string, cos he knows that you know that you've "always" been together, that you don't want to give up because you are a strong person and you accept his flaws, that you think you should be bending more for his needs because of his circumstances (I thought I should bend more for my ex because it was me who was messed up with grief).

I didn't want to let go, I wanted a happy ever after future, but life changes, people change and we must learn to accept when it is time to move on.

My final straw was last November when he had cancelled, gone cold, strung me along then insulted me me the last time. I knew I was worth 10 of him and he was a weak person for being so disrespectful and inconsiderate towards me. I told him straight I wanted to hear nothing more from him, he'd hurt/ confused me more than was necessary, he'd messed me about prolonged my grief over my dad and I was not putting my life on hold for someone who doesn't seem to have a clue who or what he wants, and let me move on and live my life. I feel angry with myself today that I let him make me feel that way. I felt I could no longer trust this guy and it became clear I couldn't put my life and future on hold for the "chance" he would see the light and come running back. He wasn't worth that sacrifice.

I got strong, I went NC, I was a mess with grief from my dad, losing my boyfriend and who I thought was my best friend but slowly it has got better. After 3 months not hearing from him I am definitely living MY life. I'm doing things I want to do and I have unbelievable strength and confidence in my decisions and what I accept and will not accept from people. I find it amazing how I found out the other day he is seeing someone new, I was a bit angry and hurt but then I just laughed, laughed because he told me "he didn't want to be in a relationship with anyone" 3 months ago, I just think he doesn't know who he is or what he wants, and he probably feels he needs someone there because he's always had someone there and he doesn't want to be alone. Every time I think of how it all ended I tell myself how much better off I am now, and that it has definitely been his loss.

I know it feels like your life is crumbling and its out of your control, but please take control and do not contact him. It is only toxic and will prolong your healing. Take up a new hobby or skill and stick at it and things become clearer, less painful and you will move on.

And if you feel that horrible pain that you can't live without hearing from him, please come on here and type away, or write in a journal, because you don't deserve to be knocked back down in the gutter, you are stronger than that and are worth more than being on his string.

Hugs to you x

[kayc]

Amen to all that!!

[lilyy]

Thank you so much for sharing your stories. My best friend also said some very similar things that both of you have said. Whenever I'm physically alone, I feel like calling him because that's what I used to do almost every day but I am trying my best to resist calling him. It's just so annoying having to deal with this because he's already hurt me enough and even when we're not together I'm still hurting because of him! For example, yesterday I was working on hw that was due by midnight and I had been at the computer lab for about 6 hours straight, I'm tired and stressing out because I don't understand the hw so well and while one of the tutors was helping me, I felt like breaking down in tears. I just felt like crying because I was just so overwhelmed with the schoolwork, I felt dumb because I didn't understand it, and because I have to deal with this heartache that weighs me down almost everyday.

And earlier today, I was on my way to school and I almost had a panic attack. I have a history with having a panic disorder and agoraphobia. And Fall 2010 was the worst it's ever been and my ex boyfriend was always there for me. I haven't had a panic attack in a fairly good while now but today I almost had one and I was freaking out and starting to get scared so I called him and told him how I was feeling. He was listening and willing to stay on the phone with me. I just talked to him on the phone again. I told him that I think the reason why I was feeling anxiety was because of stress, feeling sad, and because it's starting to affect my body. And then he was like, "Why are you sad?" So I told him "Really, you don't know why I'm sad?" -____- I told him because I'm coming to terms with the fact that it's not going to work out between us anymore because I've been hurt too much and because I feel let down. And then he said something like "I'm also sad about that too because I feel like we're never going to be able to create happy moments like we used to" So I basically told him that I am planning on moving on and that's why I deleted him from facebook and that I am going to try my best to not contact him. And he said he understands. Yep. Now one of my biggest worries is falling into another cycle of panic attacks and agoraphobic thoughts. I should talk to my psychologist again because I am scared of falling into another cycle, it's debilitating and scary.

[kayc]

Yes, PLEASE talk to your doctor about your anxiety. I got on anti-anxiety medicine (Buspar) and it's very safe and doesn't seem to have ill side effects or leave me like a Zombie, I intend to be on it the rest of my life. It takes enough of the edge off that I can cope.

My XF didn't want to hurt me, and perhaps he put off breaking up with me because of that, but his lack of forthrightness and honesty hurt me all the more in the end...if someone knows something's not going to work, they owe it to the person to let them know as soon as possible BEFORE they've expended more time/energy into the relationship, otherwise, it just hurts all the more in the end. We are friends today but it will never be anything more than it is. I enjoy and like him, love his sense of humor, but am glad we didn't hook up in light of all I've been through and learned. I think this would have happened even if he hadn't gone through his mom's death, I think that was the platform he used to break up with me on or perhaps the straw that broke the camel's back.

I would quit turning to your XBF, you need to get used to turning to other people besides him. Perhaps someday you can be friends, but not now, you need to get over him and heal inside first. You need to reach the point where he can't hurt you any more, no matter what he says or does. Good luck, I know it's a hard journey, but it can be gotten through...I've been there!

[lilyy]

My anxiety is ok, under control. Eating well, getting enough sleep, and venting about my fears and heartache is helping a whole lot. I'm doing better, kinda still scared about not having him there at all. I spoke to him yesterday because he had been texting me throughout the day telling me how really depressed he was and how he was trying to find some comfort. So I called him late at night, we got into a pretty heated discussion because he's basically giving up and really believes that his life will NEVER get better. He believes that he everything will just be downhill from here and he even hinted at committing suicide. I don't know what the **** to do. I told his mom about his thoughts because I just freaked out and I had to let her know how he's been thinking. I just don't really know what to do. Do I completely cut him off? Because if I do, and if something happens to him, I am going to feel so guilty. He told me that I can't help him at all even though I do try, and that's why I called him yesterday. I told him I didn't want anything from him, that I don't want to be with him anymore, that I just want to be there for him because I care. And he just said that no one is ever going to help him not even I. Now I'm feeling like crap and torn because I don't really know what to do.

[kayc]

It is really unfair of him to put you in this position, he broke up with you and now he wants to make YOU responsible for HIM? That's not right. Most who talk about it do not go through with suicide, and if he did, it would only be him that is responsible for making this choice, not you, but I know that is of no comfort to you and would do little to assuage the guilt feelings you'd feel. But it is NOT right! It would be in YOUR best interest to break all ties with him until you're completely over him. He needs therapy, it is too much for you to handle on your own. I am sorry you are going through all this. You did the right thing by telling his mom, perhaps she can encourage him to get some help with this. Yes, please do talk to your psychologist, I'm glad you have one.

When someone commits suicide, it is the most selfish act they can do, it leaves their family and friends to deal with all of it and they opt out themselves. Threatening suicide is also a selfish act. It's trying to make you responsible for what THEY should be responsible for. It is a weak thing.

Only you can decide whether or not to cut all ties with him, please do talk to your psychologist about this, and if you have a pastor or mom or someone you can talk to, I'd do so. My thoughts and prayers are with you as you are going through this. It's hard enough having someone break up with you, but to have them do this to you is just really unfair.

[haveFAITH]

Hi Lily, (Hi Kay, remember me?)

I just wanted to let you know that I had been following your posts and I just wanted to let you know that I had been in your shoes about a year ago ...when I first found this website and started getting advice from Kay. I remember reading her tell me the exact same thing and although I knew everything she was saying was right... it was difficult to accept that she was saying it. I didnt want to believe that I had to let it go. Hell! I DIDNT WANT TO LET IT GO! I didnt care what he had did that was wrong to me... because at the same time I felt that he was the one who could make it all right again.

My 'significant other' drove me mad after his father passed away. I did everything to be patient. To be kind to him and not give him grief over any pain that he was causing me... because it made me feel guilty that he was already dealing with so much... I didnt want to add to it.

I want to let you know that my decision to reply to your post after one year of being sober from talking about this and dwelling on it.... was because I can relate to the anxiety. I remember the first months going through this... how choaked I felt. Like I couldnt breathe because all I wanted was to be with him. And the worst part was going around in circles thinking to yourself that the reason he isnt with you isnt because there is anything wrong with you... or your relationship with him. It was nothing that you did wrong. You were perfect together! "Made for each other" .....but because of this ...everything was now ruined? And you just have to accept it.

ITS A HARD THING TO FACE! ITS STRESSFUL! YOU CANNOT FOCUS ON ANYTHING!!

While he is grieving for his loss, you are grieving for yours too!

TOTAL UNFAIR SITUATION. I understand it ---

What ended up happening to me was that I couldnt handle being here anymore. Every where i'd go reminded me of being there with him... or how id LIKE to be there with him. Id end up flipping out my phone to text him with something random to say hoping it would turn into a long conversation and he would maaaaybe end up missing me? And then dreaming about it all going back to normal. Lord the amount of POSITIVE books I had read... the amount of church I went to in those months... The amount of hope and faith I had for everything to work out.

You know, another horrible thing is them telling you they still love you. And care for you. And you know its real. THEY DO LOVE US. But that isnt enough.

How much easier it would be for them to just spit in our face.... tell us we're worthless and good for nothing......... so that you can be like 'wow! jerk!!' and then itll give you the incentive to move forward.

Anyway, I ended up leaving the country. I went to China for 4 months. Took a semester off. It made it so much easier not to text or imagine him there with me. It was a whole new world!!!!!! I deactivated my facebook. Totally fell off the grid. I felt free. Missed him. But felt like it was in the past because where I was now was SO DIFFERENT. You know what I mean?

I came back in January. Reactivated facebook. He messaged me right away. He literally said everything that I wanted to hear. The sorry...... the I miss you..... the everything. I remember crying in fear because I had come so far.... AND I WAS SO SCARED TO GO BACK TO SQUARE ONE.

Days went by... I started falling. Texting again... DYING TO SEE HIM. He didnt make the effort to meet me. SO I WENT TO SURPRISE HIM AT WORK. He was so excited to see me. But it led to be a source of argument later on. He used it against me. He told me that all he wanted was to be friends, but that it didnt mean 'friends had to be on top of eachother all the time'. He told me that although our time together was great 'it was never leaning towards long term' ....and in the time I had left him alone with the thought that i'd been patient and giving him space.......... he said 'we were always off and on anyway. it was never a continuous thing' (which means he was probably with someone else ---and thats why he thought I was never a "continuous thing". God knows while I was in China..... FAR FAR AWATY... I STILL THOUGHT OF HIM AS A ""CONTINUOUS THING"" ...

Anyway... after all of this ...I have seen the light. AND GONE DARK ON HIM! I DONT EVEN HAVE A FACEBOOK ANYMORE. DELETED IT. DONT WANT TO SEE ANYTHING FROM ANYONE!!!!!!! Again I say, I miss him sometimes. But after a while you sort of realize on your own (without anyone telling you) that you are better off without him. You will learn to see that him loosing you is a greater loss for him than it is for you... BECAUSE YOU COULD HELP HIM. He is the one saying he doesnt want it.

YOU ARE AMAZING FOR TRYING. FOR WANTING TO BE THERE.

The loyalty is so honorable!!! And I have allll the allllllllllllllllllll the faith that you are going to see the light.

Its hard now, because its just the beginning. But you'll see it.

You'll always miss him.

But you'll understand that its for the best.

YOU WILL! Just hold your head up and keep swimming.

.............thanks for letting me share my story!

[kayc]

Hi, Faith, it's great to hear from you again, it's been about five months?

None of us want to break our addiction to the one we love/d, it goes against our grain, but it IS in our best interest. I did a lot of reading on loveshack.org and that's where I learned it's best to have time completely away from them (going dark), no contact, phone, email, etc. It's what is needed to get clear headed, break the addiction, and heal. I am in a good place right now and it took time. It's now been almost two years since Jim broke up with me. The thing we need to realize is, there's nothing "wrong" with us, we didn't "do" anything wrong, they have THEIR issues for whatever reason, and it's not our place to "fix" them or "wait" for them, it's up to THEM to resolve their own issues...meanwhile, it's OUR place to put ourselves first and heal and move on. Not easy, but definitely important!

Incidentally, Jim basically did the same thing your XBF did, he kind of messed with my mind...I don't think he did so intentionally, but HE'S messed up so how could he do any different! We'd had no contact and then when we resumed (as friends), he'd say things that were contradictory, give me hope, hurt me, I felt like an emotional yo-yo and THAT's when I decided NEVER AGAIN! Today we are friends and talk on the phone but we don't see each other and there's no way I'd let myself "go there" (consider him as anything more), he did it to me for the last time.

Send me an email when you get a chance, I'd love to hear about your trip and what you've been doing!

[Brokency]

Hi Lily,

I am new to this site, just posted a thread today. I was so thankful that you shared your story and your struggles here. Your experience is somewhat similar to mine, and I needed so badly to see an outside perspective on this situation, because it is so gut wrenching in the process. Unfortunately, I have no advice to give as I am so completely distraught in my own grief, but I wanted to say it was very helpful to me to read your journey through healing. It helps me feel like my feelings are validated in a way, when all I've been feeling lately from my exboyfriend is something like "how dare you be upset, I'm the one who lost my mom!" Not that he says that, but it's his attitude and I have been lost in grief of my own of our relationship being severed right along with his mom's death. I wish you the best in your healing process, and it sounds like moving forward is the best thing you can do given the circumstance.

[lilyy]

I guess all I have to say is it's been a tough road, an emotional roller coaster. It's interfered with different aspects of my life and I've gotten to the point where it's annoying now and I wish to just let go, move on, and be better but that takes time, but at least I've made some progress because at least now I kinda really want to move on (lol). But then there's times where I think that what if sometime down the road I'll need him, I'll need his emotional support, his help, that's one thing that's really holding me back from letting go completely, because he's probably the one person who I am the SO close to and I have no problem with being so open and vulnerable to. For example, recently I've been having problems at home with my family. Currently I am away in college living about 1.15 hours away from home and I visit home fairly often since it's not that far but now when I go home, it doesn't even really feel like a home. I don't feel very comfortable being there anymore and sometimes I just wish I could go to a home, to my home but it doesn't feel that way and it sucks, it hurts. And living here where I currently stay, sometimes I get tired of it, tired of school, it's emotionally draining at times, and I just want to get away, to go home but how can I when I don't really feel like I have a home to go to anymore. Therefore sometimes when I needed to get away from here, I'd call him and ask him if I could stay with him and his family and he would say yes, pick me up from the train station, and provide me with a space where I could feel comfortable and welcomed. And recently I got into a pretty bad argument with my brother and I just got really hurt and I felt like (I still kinda do) I can't even really rely on my family for support, heck my family doesn't even really feel like a family to me right now. So I went to my best friend and him for support and they were both very supportive, especially him since he better knows how my brother and dad can be. Therefore lately, if I go "home," I'll stay over at his house for most of the weekend and then I'll visit my mom for a while and then leave back again. Therefore it's this aspect of our relationship/friendship that I don't want to lose because I'm scared that I'll need his help sometime down the road and if I were to cut him off, I feel like this aspect of our relationship would be severed or things just wouldn't be the same anymore. But then again, on the other hand, sometimes I wish I was over him already so that my happiness wouldn't depend on him so much and so that I wouldn't be getting hurt anymore or jealous, etc. I just want to be free, to let go, to be happy again like I used to be even before I met him.

Thank you for replying, I really appreciate it and your responses really help me cope with this.

And to Brokency, you're not alone, it is unfortunate and it simply sucks but at least once we come out of this situation better off, we'll be stronger and wiser so that we can help others through this just like KayC and haveFAITH have. Push through, you can do it

[kayc]

This is indeed a hard road and I can relate to so much you say.

[lilyy]

:/

He said to just leave him alone and let him live his miserable life. What am I supposed to do? Just leave him alone? Not like that, I don't want to.

[lilyy]

Well, I had told him that I wanted to move on because I was heart broken because of his actions and he raised his voice at me and said "Well then move on! Why are you still talking to me?!" and then he told me to leave him alone and then just hung up on me.

[kayc]

I'm sorry, I know that hurt like the dickens. I would give him his space...if he misses you and regrets saying that, he knows where to find you.

(((hugs)))

[lilyy]

Thank you so much for your support, I really appreciate it

I came back because I need to vent. I've failed again and again at trying to really distance myself. I keep going back to him, initiate contact and intimacy. It's so frustrating. I haven't slept today at all. I found out that he was flirting with some girl through messages, the same girl who I would ask him time after time what was up between her and him and how he felt about her and he always gave me the same answer, that she didn't mean anything, that he doesn't find her attractive, even called her ugly but the stuff he said in those messages were different from what he told me, for example one message said "I miss you hottie!!!<3 How you've been? Been modeling in those swimsuits? You look damn fine gurl! Seriously you're gorgeous! PEACE AND LOVE TO YA!<3" Seriously, what's that?! C'mon. And then I called him in the middle of the night and told him about the messages and guess what his excuse was? "She started talking to me like that so I just went along with it" Seriously? What is he, a muppet? Can he not act for himself instead of just "going with the flow?" I don't get this guy. I'm seriously tired of him. And when I told him that I just wanted him to be straightforward with me and asked him to answer me honestly if he still loved me and if he wanted me out of his life, he'd avoid the question. But finally I told him "Just be honest with me, do you love me? No. Are you in love with me? No. Do you want me out of your life? No." And then I told him what hurts the most is that I was always there, like an idiot trying to help him, encourage him and support him and all for what? Because honestly, it was just a waste of my time, he didn't get anywhere and he refuses to try and better himself so that he can move forward with his life and I just got let down, yet again. I'm sorry if I sound mad or crazy but this is just so angering now...he's so stupid! I don't get his logic. Does he not understand that ultimately he's making things worse for himself?! People are leaving his life, heck I might even too, completely...he's losing people that genuinely care about him, does he not realize this? And then after I said that stuff and how he's lost my respect, how he's disappointed me because I thought he was better than being a two-faced jerk all he said was "Who cares about feelings?! I don't. Just shutup, you're overreacting" and he hung up on me. I'm still hurt. I just wish the heartache could go away faster.

[kayc]

Of course he isn't a puppet, he has free will and free choice and he has chosen to flirt with her. I'd have to exhort you to let him go for your own piece of mind. This isn't just about grief, this is about his choices, and they aren't choices you should have to accept and live with. Show respect for yourself by telling yourself you can do better! I'm sorry, I know it hurts, but you need to go through the withdrawal in order to heal and if you try to spare yourself withdrawal by contacting him again, it will only prolong your misery. For now it's best to keep busy doing things you enjoy, heck, even cleaning house is better than contacting him! Let him go and let him live with the choices he's made.

[lilyy]

I don't know what else to say other than you're right and it's a good thing that I've finally realized this myself. I'm going to try and stay hopeful that something better will come. I don't want him anymore and I don't necessarily need his love anymore.

[kayc]

I'm sorry, I felt my words were harsh but needed...you have so much to offer and I hate to see it given where it isn't reciprocated. Maybe someday you can be friends, once you've gotten over him and are in a healthier/happier place in your life, but for now it's probably best if you go dark on him so it doesn't interfere with your healing process. I wish you the best Lily, please check back later and let us know how you're doing. I hope by then you'll have a good report!