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2 Years Today Without My Dad


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2 years today since my dearest Dad left this world for what I hope is another "world". It's still unfathomable to me that 2 entire years have passed, time simply no longer makes sense.Although the grief and journey has changed over the time I still live with the pain of missing him, longing for him every minute of every day. There's so much I want to be able to chat to him about, so much I want him to tell me, sometimes I think it's the tiniest of things I need him for hurt more than major times like birthdays etc.Just to be able to tell him something so small and "insignificant", I would truly give anything at all for 1 minute with him. I know this resonates so well with everyone here.

My Mom & I have nothing planned for today. This time 2 years ago all phones were hopping mad, the doorbell constantly ringing, the house slowly filling. Now I sit here in complete silence,in some ways wishing I could go back to that precious when the world almost stopped for a lot more people and my Dad was the centre of attention, today it's only for a few of us.

I will go visit Dad, hopefully the weather stays dry so I can stay and have some "me time" with him and bring some nice flowers to decorate his grave,maybe bring a nice small real Christmas tree too.

It's difficult having Christmas and his angelversary, as I've seen many people call it, so close together. I long to shop for him, spoil him rotten like he did me my entire life but the most I can shop for is little Christmas trinkets for his grave, it's just so wrong.

I feel bad we have nothing planned to really "mark" the day, what is one supposed to do, we couldn't even think about going out for dinner, seeing everyone celebrate and having fun because of the time of year. Yet it's not just any other day for us either.

So one thing I've decided to do which I've wanted to for a while but simply couldn't, is share the eulogy I wrote for my Dad and read myself on Monday 21st December 2009. It's probably the thing I am truly most proud of in my life and I know my Dad is too. It will give you an idea of the man he was and why I just cannot wait for the day I see him again.

I wrote this on the second night of the wake, between 3-6am, sitting in my Dad's chair in the living room, Christmas tree lighting and my Dad lying right next to me in the coffin.

Most of you knew my Dad Mick as a brother, uncle, cousin,brother-in-law, friend or colleague. To Mom & me he was so much more than that.No-one could ask for a better Dad or Husband.He was also a best friend to each of us.There was nothing he wouldn't do for us anytime night or day.He was always there to listen, to comfort us, make us laugh and give the best advice ever.

He loved parties & family get togethers.He was always the life and soul of the party,providing entertainment and there was always a guarantee of a great sing song.He had a zest for life and lived it to the fullest.

He also loved to travel both in Ireland and many places around the world.New York was his favourite city in the world and he would walk those streets all day everyday and never tire of it.I was fortunate to have recently spent time there with him and aswell as walking, he so generously spent many hours waiting as I shopped and enjoyed and laughed through it all.

He also did his fair share of travelling around Ireland. He loved his Sunday spins with Mom. These were not always regular Sunday spins.Dad might decide on a Saturday night to go to Galway for lunch on Sunday & did this many times over the years, it was only up the road to him. (Just to put some context on this for those of you reading this on HOV, Galway is about a 3 hour drive from us and people were always fascinated at my Dad's "Sunday drives" driving that far for lunch). If you were in that car for a spin you were pretty much guaranteed to be listening to John Denver for most of that journey.

He absolutely adored my Mom so much so when she was taken to hospital this time 2 years ago, he was in the same hospital himself within a few days--NO NOT visiting but as a patient, I guess he needed to be right there with her.He was never away from either of us, we were his whole life just like he was ours and always will be.

It is an honour and a privilege to be his daughter and call him my Dad. We could never have asked for or wanted more from him as a Dad or Husband.I am forever grateful and thankful for all the years of love, happiness, laughter & support both Mom & I have had with Dad.

I am proud to call this man my Dad & proud of the person I have become thanks to him.

If we had to use only one word to describe my Dad, Mom's Husband it would be to call him a Gentleman.

Thanks for everything Dad, we will cherish the memories forever & most of all thanks for just being you and always being there. We love you and will miss you always adn look forward to seeing you again someday.

I know you've always wanted what is best for me & I want you to know ....I got it. I have you for my Dad and that's the best thing that could happen to anyone.

All you wanted was to know you did you best and from the bottom of our hearts know that you did so much more than your best & couldn't have done anymore for all of us.

We love and miss you always.xoxox

I will never write words I am more proud of and more proud to share,I will never meet another human being as great as him. Just because he's not here in this physical world doesn't mean he should be forgotten. I want to boast to the world about my Dad, I want people to know what the kind of superstar he was.And still is, I've been every quiet this last month on this site as I've been up to my neck in stress,so much went wrong that I could barely cope yet as the days passed, while some family left me high and dry, my Dad stepped in because everything worked out so great, fell into place and there were just WAY too many "coincidences" & I know none of it happened without my Dad.So now I'm thinking it was a "good" thing that family flaked on me, maybe it was my Dad's way of pushing me so so hard to eventually realise he is still somewhere helping me. I'll explain another day because I want to share that story too, because I've been one of the biggest doubters believing he's around in the last 2 years.

So while I can't really mark today doing anything special at home, sharing this with the world maybe even better. I hope my Dad is watching down, hugging me, smiling at his oh so proud daughter & hope he's also hard at work now to get me through the next couple of weeks and onwards through life.

I've also attached 3 photos, one of my favourites of the 3 of us in NYC Christmas 2008, unfortunately that smile is long gone from me, the other of my Dad nibbling at turkey Christmas 2008 while helping with dinner, I miss those fun times so much. The last one of my precious place for me and Dad! Merry Christmas in Heaven Dad, xox

To all those new to the site I hope you are finding some tiny comfort here, I will be back to reply to other posts in time, and a million billion thanks to everyone here for helping me through the last 2 years, I could not have done it without you.

Sending hugs and love to you all during this difficult time & hope that your loved ones will reach out and let you know they are there.

2 songs that simply sum everything up here

Michael's Daughter Niamh

xo

 

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Hi Niamh,

I know all your hopes of your dad are alive as the fresh air you breath because you have a big heart which encompasses all. Give your heart the largess to see as your dad saw the world and you will have him with you forever. I remember my best friend by remembering all the things we did together and I try and prepare the same way I did for Christmas as she did. She shared her love and gave hope with which I hope forever.

All the best,

kavish

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Niamh, dear, your eulogy is beautiful, and it certainly paints a lovely picture of your beloved father and his relationship with you and your mother. How delightful to see those photographs, and to see how closely you resemble your dad. I'm sure that his smile could have lit up an entire room, and you definitely have his smile!

I can sense in your writing over these last two years that you are learning to incorporate so much of your father into yourself ~ and that is as it should be. Clearly he was an outstanding role model, and you are fortunate to have such a fine man in your heart, in your soul, in your genes, in your very DNA. There is nothing more important that you can do for your father now than to live a good life in his honor. That is all any really good parent can ask of his child, and I'm sure that is what your father would want from you.

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Hi Naimh,

A few thoughts for you:

In the span of two years since my Mother passed away, my grief for her has changed from being lost in despair to finding strength in her legacy. Being true to my mother's legacy is everything for me now; this helps me find my way.

Over the 5 decades of my life I've had my doubts about the human race, seeing so much conflict, selfish behavior, and neglect of those who need help. This grief forum has helped dispel my doubt. Finding people here that actually care, think, and work to help one another has been a revelation. My own healing has been fostered in no small way. Like parents, this community is a powerful force of good in a world that can sometimes be hostile.

And a story from my Mom: In her last month she requested that we mark her passing not with solumn mourning, but rather with a "big party". So that's what we did, with a deluxe lay-out of food, drink, and live music; some 140 people came to celebrate her life. My mother's message always was to find the joys of life and not get stuck in woe or misfortune. Beauty and good feeling is everywhere, if only we look to find it.

Ron B.

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Hi Niamh,

Its been a while since I saw you post last. It's been a while for me too. I have been reading posts in the past couple of months. Not much to write. I wanted to say thank you for sharing that beautiful eulogy with us.I cannot agree more with what everyone else is saying. You definitely carry on with your father's legacy. He sure is proud of you.

The last few days have been tough. I miss my dad too, so much and yes I am not the same, Christmas doesn't feel the same with him not here. I can't help but to go back in time and remember the times when he was in the hospital. I know my dad got to experience so much in life, so many good moments, but in the middle of grief is hard to remember that.

I also wanted to say you have a big heart and whether you realize it or not, you carry your dad's legacy. It's almost like it is in your DNA and it is just surfacing.

Thank you for sharing those photographs with us, those are there to remind us of the good moments spent with our loved ones, and those will remain with us forever, until our time to join them comes.

In times like this is when I would like to be able to see my dad in dreams, I miss his hugs and words of encouragement. There are times where I wonder if I am moving forward in the right direction, and his advice would help a lot.

Anyhow, thank you for being you Niamh. Your words of support mean so much not just to me but to many people in this forum. We need to carry on, and when we are down we need to be reminded they are with us in many ways.

Have a blessed day.

Hugs,

-L

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thank you all so much for such kind words and for all the support.

@Kavish yep I do try to do things like my Dad, well actually it's more like it just happens and I find myself thinking after Dad would have done x,y,z like that and it's nice to follow in his footsteps.

@Marty, thank you so much for your lovely message, wow you see a resemblence between us, many people have said that over the years, it's a pleasure to be so like him. His smile certainly did light up rooms and I don't think that's the first time I've heard someone say that about him so thanks for reminding me Marty.

@RobB, I definitely do find myself doing and wanting to do things like my Dad did, it helps me sometimes especially when I get panicked worrying about things and I try live with how my Dad did. I get you wanting to celebrate your Mom's life,I'm really not there yet for a big happy go lucky party but I have my own little private things I do in honour of him, of us and the little things we used to do together.

@Angel, thank you hon, A hug and prayer means so so much to me

@Daughter2010 I check in still every day but just haven't had the time to post and reply. Thank you so much for saying such sweet things & for your never ending support and kindness. I'm sorry Christmas is so hard for you too but I'm also so grateful for the understanding.I think we are all moving in the right direction without a doubt, I still wonder at times how I am surviving this and I think underneath all my doubts if I dig deep I know my Dad is pushing me along nice and gently.It's a paradox but so often I want to talk to my Dad about my grief, I want to know what he'd say, how he thinks, yet if he was here physically there would be no need for that conversation.

Sending you all lots of love and thanks always and I will be thinking of you all as the holidays go on.

Niamh

xo

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