And The Back And Forth Of It All

[mik]

The worst part of this is the bavck and forth..I expected it at the holidays..but it happens all the time now..one day I am ok the next total devestation again!? I don't know if I am coming or going. One day I can handle the grief, the next I can't. I am beginning to feel like a crazy person. Who knows when I will get my s*** straight. I am seeing a therapist...but some times I am doing well other times it is just back to where I started. I can't take it. I feel like I am in some kind of dream world waiting to wake up. I am questioning my own sanity. Please someone tell me again there will be some stabliity. I email him like is is alive. Yes I keep it as a journal but it is weird. People will think I am crazy. I just want to get it all done at once...the grief. This up and down back and forth is killing me.

[kayc]

Yes what you are feeling is normal, and eventually it will settle down and you won't feels so many ups and downs. It's just that right now anything can trigger and put you right back where you were, and Kim, it hasn't been that long. Try not to expect too much of yourself, don't worry about what others think, it's you that's going through this, not them. I'm glad you're seeing a therapist, you might try a grief support group too, it all helps.

[mik]

Thank you for your replies. You dont think I am crazy do you? you said it was good that I was seeing a therapist..do you think I need one judging from my strange behavior? I have no way to guage this? Cindy minimizes my grief when she emails telling me that I have no clue how bad she feels when I try to provide some comfort and support. I spoke to another friend and he said he didn't think I was crazy for emailing Dragon, but it sure feels crazy at times. I do thank you for your words. It is good to know that I am not alone in this. I feel that way at times while everyone else is celebrating and my brothers are with their wives and my mom and dad have each other..here I am alone again....then I dont want people to think I am looking for pity beacuse I am not. I don't know whats wrong with me..I never gave a dam before about what others thought but now all that seems to have changed...

[Lainey]

Dear Kim,

I'm very sorry that you lost your loved one.. but glad you found this site.

You're new at this journey we all are going through, so naturally you'll be feeling all the things you are. Lars passed away Dec 11, 2009 and I there are days where I think I'm losing my mind.I still ahve trouble sleeping for most of Dec., I forget what I'm doing and on and on.

You definitely are'nt crazy, therapy of any kind helps, as does coming here to talk, rant, rave whatever. We've all been there. Group therapy seemed to help me the most.

Just be good to yourself, try to rest when you need to and exercise.

Lainey

[kayc]

Kim,

No you are not losing your mind, that is something we wondered about ourselves too, that's why it's been good to come here and know all we are going through is "normal" and to be expected as we see others going through the same thing. I said it's good you are seeing a therapist because they can help us waft through this...they can be that roadmap that helps us sort through it all. I saw a grief counselor when George died, alot of people here have gotten "help" with this, there's nothing to be ashamed of for reaching out for help, after all, this is the hardest thing in the world to go through.

Cindy says you don't have a clue because to her, her grief looms the biggest...I suppose all of us feel that way sometimes, that our loss is the greatest, and to us, that is true. She seems to want/need to feel that what they had was greater than what you had...this isn't a competition, each of your experiences is real and hers in no way can diminish yours. Try not to let her pull your chain. Maybe it'd be better if you didn't have contact with her for a while. I think you're reaching out for understanding and feel she's the one person who'd understand your loss but she may not be the best person to look to for support. I think you're also reaching out to comfort her but she's not receiving it and she'll have to find her own way through her grief journey. Kim, she is jealous of you, she's insecure of her relationship with your loved one, and as such, she's not going to be a positive contact for you.

Hang in there and surround yourself with positive support. Yes you're going to feel out of it around other happy couples right now. Even all these years later, when I see a couple very much in love, I feel a twinge of pain and longing for George...I don't feel jealous of them, I feel now is there time and I had mine, however all too short lived it was, but at least I had it, some never do.

[Dwaynecg]

Dear Kim,

I agree with Kay, I think that it is better for you not to have any contact with her for now. She is just trying to make you feel like you are second class compared to her, and YOU ARE NOT. your pain and grief are real as anyone on here can tell you. You are going through three very same emotions, feelings, ups, and downs, as we all have. Just take care of you and that is it. We are all here for you anytime you need someone.

I wish you some day you will find peace and comfort.

God Bless

Dwayne