1St Anniversary Since Mom Died

[Cat_Lady]

Jan 4th will the the 1st anniversary on my Mother's passing. This has been the longest year of my life, even though I lost my Dad in 1999, because Mom and I always had each other. Maybe it is because I am an only child but I feel totally alone. I do have a husband and daughter but none of the other relationships in my life seem to fill the void without Mom.

Each holiday this year, including my 50th birthday and my 25th wedding anniversary seemed painful and lonely. I know that she wants me to move forward and be happy and I want that too, but I was reallt hoping to be further along in the grief process. I know that their is no schedule for grief but with the 1st anniversary approaching I feel like I am taking a step backwards.

Any insight or support from anyone would be really appreciated.

[BellaRosa]

I'm so sorry - my mom's anniversary was this past November. I found that the days leading it up to it were worse than the day itself.

Like you, I feel a void without my mom. I find myself missing her and wishing I could talk to her about things that I probably would have never needed her for if she was still here. It's weird, because I was a completely independent, married adult living on my own, and now I feel completely lost without my mom.

It has gotten better in the sense that I'm not a basket case everyday, but I still miss her constantly. I find that I tend to feel like I'm getting "better" and then I take a step backward. I think that's probably normal.

[Cat_Lady]

Thanks for sharing your experience...it is a comfort knowing someone else is going/has gone through a similar situation and come out the other side. I have been crying and emotional for the last few days and hope that I will feel some better after the actual anniversary has past.

[niamh]

hi Cat_Lady,

((HUGS)) to you getting through the first anniversary, it's such a difficult time and so close to the holidays too. I had my Dad's second anniversary on 17th December.

Like you I'm an only child, I don't think anyone can actually fill that hole left when you lose a parent. I still find birthdays and holidays very difficult but I will say it feels different from last year........I can't say easier because it's just different. I think when certain times of the year come up it can feel like you're going backwards but I think that's just the emotions coming out during those times. Of course times like your birthday can be bitter sweet now although you have your daughter and husband with you but at the same time you're missing your Mom so I think it's just a mine-field of emotions.

I know for me I am just patient with myself, I have days where I cannot speak to anyone, I just want my bed, my tv and no interraction with anyone else, other days I will meet people, go do some jobs etc. When I have those moments where it just feels like the world is collapsing on me again I just take a time out for myself and realise that not every single moment is always like this.

I know when I had my Dad's first anniversary coming up I thought I was going absolutely crazy, the second year I guess I had a little more expectation, I knew it was an emotional time coming up and a time to just be kind and gentle with myself because I knew I would be feeling so all over the place emotionally.

All I say is just be kind and gentle with yourself, everyday you wake up is progress, grief will be your best friend on this journey and will not take you in the wrong direction, it knows the way

sending you ((hugs)) and love

Niamh

[emmaj]

October 4 was the first anniversary of my mom's death. I thought i was fine before that day came. I hadn't really dealt with her death. I chose to bury my feelings and pain instead. Sad to say I have followed this pattern my entire life. I am very good at dealing with anger but not grief, sadness, or pain. I was the closest to my grand mom when i was younger because i spent all my time with her due to both of my parents having to work. I was much older when i finally started to get close to my mom and i think that had more to do with me finding the man i was going to marry and then my father being diagnosed with lung cancer. After my dad died my husband and i moved home so my mom wouldn't be alone. We finally found our bond as i began helping her when her health began to decline. I would give anything to have her back or to have found our bond sooner. I'm trying my best to stop pushing people away and keeping everyone at a safe distance. I think my husband thinks i'm going over the edge or having a mid-life crisis. I just got my first tattoo. I will be seeing a therapist in a few days,11 to be exact. I know he can't wait. He wants the old me back. Some days i think that person died with my mother. A friend of mine who lost his mother just before i did said that it doesn't get easier, it just gets more tolerable. I'm hoping for both. Honestly there are days it seems better. I've even had times that i can remember her without wanting to hide in a corner or closet and just cry. I think that's progress. I wish you luck. Just have faith that it will happen.