PaintedPonyluvr Posted January 7, 2012 Report Share Posted January 7, 2012 Hi everyone, my name is Theresa and I lost my former husband and father to my 3 children in May of 2010, suddenly. He was such a great man, and I loved him so much. He was 39 when he passed suddenly in his sleep with our 9 year old next to him. He woke to him snoring funny,.and began to cry. My 12 year old daughter came in to see what was wrong and saw he was purple. She immediately tried to wake him then called me...but my phone was on silent. She then called 911 and e their help attempted cpr. A few minutes later an officer came to my door. I woke saw my daughter was calling and called her. She was hysterical saying she couldn't wake daddy. I went downstairs to greet the officer that was let in already. On the way he informed me he didn't make it. I completely lost it and bit my lip trying to wake myself. When the results came back as coronary artery disease we were all stunned. Anyway, I am in therapy and a grief group at my local hospice, as well as my children. This has been so difficult for us and I am finding I need more support. I have found my bed is my best friend. I hardly leave my room. I miss him so much I actually physically hurt. I can't imagine my life without him in it. Even thkugh we were divorced I loved him w all my heart and he was always there for me. I am struggling to move on...my kids are doing better. Although I can't seem to get our now 19 year old to get help. He was 17 and at a friends house that night. So he has guilt he wasn't there to try and save him. Ok, I have tons more to say and could go on, but I'll stop for now. Hoping this gets better, he would want me to move on and would hate what I've turned into...I just can't seem to though... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted January 7, 2012 Report Share Posted January 7, 2012 PPL, I'm sorry you find yourself joining our crowd. I'm sorry he died and so young, it's so hard esp. when there's kids that still need their daddy. You've found a good place to be, come here any time, it's good to get your feelings out and we're all here for each other. It's also good that you're getting help. Is your 19 year old son getting help? It can be good for the kids to get some counseling too. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
PaintedPonyluvr Posted January 7, 2012 Author Report Share Posted January 7, 2012 Thank you. Hospice has always been great to me and my family. I cared for my grandmother, whobwas more my mother really. My mother wasn't around. Anyway, she was on at home hospice care and I was her caregiver. They were always there if I had any questions. Anyway, my oldest refuses help. Once in a while he will talk to me about his dad but not often. One time he opened up enough for me to know he feels guilty and holds a lot of sadness. Just about 8 months before his passing I was having a hard time w him and told him he had to go live w his dad. Anyway, while we were cleaning out his place we were alone and he said "I wish dad had grounded me that weekend" I asked why and he said "then I would of been home and couldbof saved him. People that were certified in cpr told us and my daughter she was too small to do cpr properly. She couldn't get him off the bed and couldn't put enough pressure during compressions. So he feels had he been there he could.of done something. My daughter held a lot of guilt and always said it was her fault he died cause she couldn't do cpr right. So people were trying to make her feel better. She now is doing well and is starting to realize it wasn't her fault. My youngest thkugh won't let go. He feels horrible and guilty that he just cried and didn't get his sister or call 911. But he was only 9, nothin.g I say helps though. My oldest tells me "I won't do counseling cause it won't bring my dad back...there's no point" I mention it once in while but he just won't go . Sorry so long... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Stacyines Posted January 7, 2012 Report Share Posted January 7, 2012 Theresa, my condolences are with you. Just the pain of loss is unbearable. I couldn't leave bed for days when I lost my boyfriend. Now I know you're in the right place getting help. I wish you all the best. Regarding your older child, the pain of grief I believe is difficult to embrace. I'm 20 and lost the person I loved unexpectedly to suicide. Though it's not the same, the pain left is the cycle of that hole in our hearts. I'm an upcoming film director / producer in Los Angeles. If you or your son would like someone to talk to, I'm here. Best of wishes , - xoxo Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
PaintedPonyluvr Posted January 7, 2012 Author Report Share Posted January 7, 2012 Wow, I am so sorry for your loss. It does leave a hole when you lose someone you love. Mark and I used to share funny texts and photos of the kids and he was a very good friend to me. It's funny the things you realize after someone.is find forever. After he passed I realized how much loved him, and wished I had worked on our marriage more. I was the one that wanted out and he wanted to try counseling. I didn't believe in counseling. The things I've learned since he's been gone are amazing...counseling does work...wish I had listened to him, as love wasn't the issue. I will never forget during our split he asked me if I still loved him. I told him I did, and always would. His response was then why can't we try. J just didn't believe in counseling, and was struggling w my grandmothers passing and very depressed. Little did I know I would lose him just 2 years later and it would be too clear, and too late Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
PaintedPonyluvr Posted January 7, 2012 Author Report Share Posted January 7, 2012 Gone, not find. And also, I'm here if you need to talk as well. You are just so young to have lost someone...heck, so am I and I am almost 39... Just so unfair..... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MartyT Posted January 7, 2012 Report Share Posted January 7, 2012 Theresa, dear ~ I'm so very sorry for your loss, but pleased to know that you found your way to us, and gratified to learn that you're finding some of the support you need through your local hospice, too. In addition, please make sure you take a look at all the resources listed on the Child / Adolescent Grief page of my Grief Healing Web site ~ and know that we will continue to be here for you, wishing you peace and healing as you travel this difficult and challenging journey. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
PaintedPonyluvr Posted January 8, 2012 Author Report Share Posted January 8, 2012 Thank you so much for those links. I am going to go and look them over. I also just bought the book "I Wasn't Ready To Say Goodbye" so far it is a really good book. I had lost my grandmother in 08 after a brief struggle w leukemia. I cared for her w support from Hospice. My grief over her loss is so different than the loss of Mark. I am coping alright w her loss., she was sick, hurting and wanted to go. She had a wonderful life, was 90 and married to her love for over 70 years...w Mark not so much. I'm very angry, confused and guilty...This book focuses on everything I'm feeling. Maybe I can get my so. To read it...although doubtful Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aloneinDixie Posted January 8, 2012 Report Share Posted January 8, 2012 Hi Theresa, I know how you feel in your pain. My wife was diagnosed with Luekemia on June 21,2011 and Passed away on November 14,2011. I thank everyone here for their support and compassion. I was angry and well sometimes still am,and the pain is there as well. I know I have to move on for our kids,and for me. My wife made me promise her that should something happen that I would not be stay at home alone. I really at times want to forget that I promised her that you know? You will be ok,and just know that he is better and waiting in Heaven. I know my beloved is waiting and I can't wait till my time here is done and we can rejoice and be together again. Take care and you are in my prayers too. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
PaintedPonyluvr Posted January 8, 2012 Author Report Share Posted January 8, 2012 I'm so sorry for the loss of your wife. I lost my grandma to leukemia on February 4, 2008. She didn't tell anyone how serious her condition was and my brother found out when he went to a Dr appt. w her. At that time it was mylodysplasia? I think that's what he called it. Anyway,.when I found out I flew out to visit and do what I could. She was realistically my mother as my own mother wasn't around. We were very close. Anyway, shortly after.arriving my changed to leukemia. We brought her home and I cared for her until she passed. No one should have to watch their loved one go like that. It was awful, and for her sake I'm glad she's not.suffering anymore. She was always taking care of and doing for others. She hated being so weak she couldn't move. I'm so sorry you had to go through that. We all will be together again though and that is comforting though, don't you think? Theresa Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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