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My Premature Daughter


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My daughter Callie Born on 26 weeks and 5 days. She lived in NICU for 16 days. Doing great but on the last day of 16th days (Nov. 11, 2011) the Necrotizing Entercoitis begin giving her problems. I would like chat with some parents who has child with that or lost baby by this infection. I have hard time losing my Baby Girl. I can't imagine that i watch her dying. It was so so so hard watch it. I love her so much. I wish her come back and touch her and love her.

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Dear One, my heart hurts for you as I read your tragic story ~ I am so very sorry for the loss of your precious baby daughter, and I can only imagine how empty your aching arms must feel right now. I'm going to share with you the content of a message I posted in this forum several years ago to another bereaved mother, as I think it applies to you as well:

As a bereaved mom myself, I do know how it feels to lose a precious infant. Although it happened many years ago, when my own newborn baby David died unexpectedly after an uneventful pregnancy at the age of three days, the world as I knew it (and as I expected it to be) was suddenly turned upside down, and everyone in my corner of the world (except my husband) acted as if nothing of much consequence had happened. No one at home or at work or among my dearest friends would talk with me about it at all. I had no place to take my sorrow; back then there were no grief counselors, no grief support groups, not even articles or books about the grief that accompanies the death of an infant, and certainly no Internet with Web sites and forums aimed at grieving mothers.

While things have changed considerably since then, thank goodness, the sad fact remains that the death of a premature infant -- or even the death of a newborn at full term -- is trivialized by our society as a fairly insignificant occurrence, which can leave you feeling very angry, isolated and alone. Your heartache may be misunderstood by others, which can give you the impression that it is inappropriate and even abnormal to be mourning the loss of your baby. But the death of any baby is worthy of tears and grief, no matter what the age! And if you really wanted and planned for this pregnancy, you've lost much more than your baby. You lost all the hopes and dreams you may have had for your little one as well. You've lost the opportunity to mother your son, to hold him, to love him and to watch him grow up. I can only imagine what you must be feeling and thinking, because it is only human to question "Why me? Why my baby?" Keep in mind that feelings are neither right or wrong, good or bad -- they just are, and we cannot always help what we feel. Right now you have every right to feel angry, hurt, singled out, and heaven knows what else. What matters is what we do with what we are feeling, and feelings that are stuffed just sit there and fester. Feelings that are acknowledged and expressed will dissipate.

I don't know where you are taking your feelings about all of this, but I sincerely hope that you will make an effort to find others who've experienced miscarriage or early infant loss, so that you will feel understood and validated, and not so alone in your pain. Grieving is difficult enough without having to do it all alone. Since this loss feels so unresolved and is demanding your attention now, I would expect that you still need to find someone to talk to about it -- someone who understands first-hand the trauma of infant death. Sharing your feelings, reactions and experiences with others in an "in person" support group comprised of other grieving mothers gives you a safe place to express yourself, helps you understand that what you are feeling is normal, and may give you the hope that if others have found a way to survive a loss like this, then you will find your own way, too. You might consider contacting your local hospice organization, mortuary, church or synagogue, or even your local library, and ask what bereavement support services are available in your own community for mothers who've suffered a miscarriage or early infant loss. It's also beneficial for you to spend some time on the Internet, exploring many of the caring sites devoted to this important topic. Most of these sites have been developed by bereaved mothers, whose feelings and experiences may be similar to your own. You will find them listed on the Death of an Infant, Child or Grandchild page of my Grief Healing Web site, here: http://www.griefheal...-grandchild.htm. See especially M.I.S.S. ~ Mothers In Sympathy and Support, http://www.misschildren.org/

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Thanks Marty. For understanding abt my little Callie. I still have some angry, depression, up and down days. one time at a time. I just wish that infection wont appear that. it happens to fast. I am trying call get a hospice counselor. because I have hard to accpet let her go. I was hopefully she come home this month which her due date on January 29th. I have been hopsital for a month for Risk Pregnancy. Some reason Dr try keep Callie inside. But Callie wanted come out early. she weight 1 lb and 15 oz. Prefect healthly until infection real hit. Ashly.

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  • 3 weeks later...

Ashly,

I am so sorry for your loss. We had our first at 23 weeks. It was a very uneventful pregnancy - no problems - everything appeared great. Went in to my 22 week check up and they couldn't find a heartbeat. The baby had passed away in utero. No one really knows why - he just died.

I was devastated. My live had changed. All the plans we had were broken. I agree with MartyT - it can be hard to grieve. Anyone who hasn't been through that really has no clue - and even those who have been through it experience different things. I know our loss was pre-birth - and I can only imagine the pain you are having with delivering a baby and having to watch her go - but you will be in my prayers. If you ever need to talk feel free to message me.

For me - June 17th is always hard (the day we delivered our baby). Several years later I had a set of twins and their due date was the same date as the due date of our first (we called him "Webbie" - we didn't want to know his gender before hand and that was our nick name for him so that was the name we stuck with.) I worried that entire pregnancy that it would be a repeat of Webbie's - but it wasn't.

You will be in my thoughts and prayers.

Angel

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  • 1 month later...

Dear Ones,

I just stumbled upon a beautiful video (just three minutes long) from Open to Hope that I want to share with you:

Nicole Alston, President and Founder, Skye Foundation, talks about her own experience in

From Nicole's foundation Website:

The Skye Foundation was founded by Nicole and Paul Alston in memory of their newborn daughter Skye. Our vision is to raise awareness of the adverse outcomes of bleeding disorders related to pregnancy. We envision The Skye Foundation to be a place where those who have experienced miscarriage, stillbirth or infant death, can receive comfort, knowing that they are not alone and realize the hope of restoration.

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Dear Ashly,

I am so sorry for your loss. I do know grief though I can not fathom the loss of a child especially having no children myself. I wanted to reach out to you and just express my sadness over your huge loss. I am so sorry. I just watched the video that Marty listed and found it so very touching and relevant.

Peace

Mary

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And here is yet another must-read article on this subject, from Joanne Cacciatore, founder of the MISS Foundation:

Becoming: DSMV and Ethical Relativism

Marty, that piece left me breathless. I have read dozens of pieces about this DSM V situation and none can come close to what this author has expressed regarding the identification of grief as a mental illness but more important the compassion and understanding that oozes from her regarding grief itself. Thank you. That piece should be read and digested by everyone on the planet.

Mary

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Mary, thank you. I so appreciate your willingness to read these gems I find along the way, as I travel the Internet, and I so value your feedback.

Of course, I agree with you completely. Joanne's piece is amazing. I especially appreciate her description of her role as a grief counselor ~ and I think it serves as an accurate description of what we offer to one another here:

I've been working with the traumatically bereaved for 16 years. I've been researching them for nine. I receive an average of 150 emails a day from bereaved parents around the world. Stories of love and loss, sadness and suffering, questioning and longing. People who come to me and ask me to bear witness to their pain. Some of those emails are also expressions of profound gratitude for "helping me through the darkest time of my life." What do I do to help those suffering traumatic death? I have no magic wand, or pill, or words. I am, however, willing to join a person in the abyss and sit with the suffering non judgmentally, without urging him or her toward healing before healing's time has come. I radically accept whatever emotional state presents, even if it means we spend two hours on the floor in silence except for the visceral moaning or sobbing and primal longing for a person's beloved dead . . .

I posit a universal axiom based on reason, and truth, and the wisdom of the ages, not based on ethical relativism: Only people and relationships and moments of deep connection will help heal the hearts of the bereaved. And I will continue to reassure the families with whom I work that their beloved child is worthy of each and every tear. ~ Joanne Cacciatore

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Dear Marty,

I am so grateful for all the links you share and for you. Your commitment to those who grieve and to the solid research you present is to be admired. You chose the exact section of that article (for this post) that took my breath away. Frankly she reminds me of you and of Bill- oozing compassion and sensitivity. So real. I have spent many hours in 40 years (and so did Bill) sitting in silence on the floor (or anywhere) with traumatized and grieving clients. That is why Bill always had a waiting list. This author is amazing. I must see if she has any books or more articles and I signed up for her blog. I also wrote to her and thanked her for the piece and for who she is. In doing so I told her I was a therapist and grieving the loss of the love of my life. Here is what she wrote back within an hour.

"Mary- thank you for your clinical- and human- wisdom. I am so very sorry about the loss of your Beloved husband. Even 40 years in practice cannot prepare us for such life-altering suffering. Holding you in my heart."

I found this quote by her also: Want to know what a real warrior looks like? Find a person who is truly in mourning and who is able to sit with the ineffable truth of suffering. Cowards dare not enter that house of pain. Only the courageous walk barefoot, blindfolded, through the darkness. - Dr. Joanne Cacciatore

I have been blessed with amazing people including Bill, of course, and now you. And yes the article does remind me of the work done on this site.

Peace, Mary

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