1 Year Anniversary Coming Up

[SandyF]

The first anniversary of my mother's passing is soon approaching and I'm not sure if I'm feeling set back in my progress because of this impending date or, just because? Like others here, I was also hoping to be further along in this process of dealing with my loss. Initially, when my mother died, I kept saying to myself that I looked forward to a year from then (now) because when I lost her, I could not cope whatsoever. I started seeing doctors who I hoped would help me with medication and every single anti-depressant prescribed, made what I was feeling, 10 times worse. I soon discovered OTC sleeping aids plus Xanix and I slept all day, only to wake up in late afternoons to feeling miserable. I lost my mother who I cared for on Feb. 2nd. I lost my father in 2007 and I thought I was prepared to lose my mother, that I knew what to expect. She was totally immobile and blind, on hospice. Losing her completely changed the way I feel in the world. I don't feel safe anymore. I have a brother who was never there for me or my mother. He moved overseas years before and when my mother died, flew back only to collect his share of the inheritance. I begged him to stay because I was breaking down, couldn't cope and he declined. I'm not married now, have no children and no family to speak of. My mother's sister was living close by and was suffering from the beginning stages of Alzheimers (she was 81, my mother, 86). Three days after my mother died, my aunt died. In April I made reservations to go back to L.A. in July (I'm in Fla) where I used to live and stay with a close friend and her husband. I thought once I went away, I would start to feel better. I couldn't wait to get home and cut my trip short.

The anniversary of my mother's death is just one day, I know this is only one day, no different than all the days since she died but I feel that I've gone back to feeling worse than the progress I thought I was making. It took me 6 months to visit the cemetary, fearing I'd feel worse and I didn't feel worse when I finally went. It's with me all the time. To look at her stone didn't bring back any more sadness than I feel 24 hours a day. So, maybe what I'm feeling now isn't because of the anniversary date coming up but just a setback.

One thing I understand now that I didn't when I first heard, "you never get over this loss, you learn to live with it" resonates loud and clear. This will always feel like a loss and not just a memory. I miss her so much. Life will never feel as good again.

I wish everybody here comfort in getting through their loss.

Here's a photo of my beautiful mother. She was about 22 here.

[BellaRosa]

Sandy, I am so sorry for your loss. Your mother was beautiful! I lost my mom in November 2010, and I also was waiting for that one year anniversary because I thought that was going to be some kind of turning point. It wasn't. I found that I felt absolutely awful, completely depressed, during the days (weeks) leading up to the anniversary, but the actual day felt like any other.

I'm married, and I still have my dad, but I also feel very much alone. I think there must be something about losing a parent that does this, because everyone I've spoken to (no matter how many other loved ones they had around) has felt the same loneliness.

I agree with you about learning to live with the loss. This is something that I know I will never "get over" but instead will become a part of me.

[SandyF]

Thank you BellaRosa for sharing your feelings. Feeling "very much alone" sums it up! The only consolation in all of this is knowing that I'll never lose my mother again. Wishing you what I wish for myself, continued healing.

[MartyT]

Sandy, dear, I hope that by reading some of the other posts in this forum, you'll see that no matter what you're feeling, you are not alone in feeling that way. Here you are among kindred spirits, all bound by the common experience of loss.

You might find this article to be of some help: Dealing with Special Days: Anniversaries, Birthdays and Holidays

[DebFromLodi]

My mom died Feb 2, 2008. 11:34 a.m. I think back to that morning and i can't believe i actually watched her die. It breaks my heart. I think of her constantly and miss her like crazy. She was 91. I wish you luck on your journey. It does get easier with time. But some days i hear a song and i just totally break down. I will never ever be the same without her. It seems so unfair that my life is going on, but it has.

[SandyF]

Dear MartyT, I'm just now seeing your post, a couple of days later. Thank you for your words and these links which I plan to explore. Whenever I meet up with others who have lost their parent (especially a daughter losing her mother and especially, the last of 2 parents), I always feel like I'm in a club you can only join if you've gone through this loss. I can't believe how differently I feel about life since losing my mother and how terribly alone and lonely it is without her. You've said it perfectly, 'all bound by this experience'....only those who have gone through it, know.

Thank you again.

[SandyF]

Feb 2 is a date we now share Deb. My mother died at 11:40 a.m. and I too, saw her die. My heart is forever broken and I too, will never be the same without her. I never understood when people told me, 'you never get over it but it does get easier.' I understand now because I know I'll never get over this but at best, learn to live with it. Thank you for your wishes. I wish you the same as it's a never ending process, so I'm learning.

[DebFromLodi]

My mom died 6 minutes before you mom. Wow.

[DebFromLodi]

I meant to say "your mom" sorry