Foul Play - Missing Younger Brother

[Aneres1]

Hi guys,

I'm so grateful to have found this site, because I honestly think I'm going a little mad. My brother on Oct. 23, 2010 went out for lunch, taking a break from moving and never returned. Boxes were not opened and he never slept in the bed , took a break to get lunch. His car was never recovered, which makes things more complicated. From all indications the police have a suspect/s but according them without a confession or a witness, there is absolutely nothing they can do. I believe the dectective who says if they opportunity arises to catch those responsible they will but, how likely will that ever be? My brother was 33 years old and single with a promising business career in printing.

http://www.jamaicaobserver.com/news/Two-men-reported-missing

Crime and corruption in Jamaica is bad, but where isn't? Everyday someone goes missing, young and old and you never hear of them being found dead or alive. The police told me that his body may not be on earth as it would have been found, which they translated to mean they disposed of him out at sea. Until it happens to you, you never know how you would feel. No one tells you that the emotions hit you at once, all balled up into one...I'm primarily angry all the time. Just thinking of him breaks me into tears as we were close. I live in Canada now, and going to Jamaica to clean out this apartment was one of the hardest things I've ever had to do in my entire life. Looking through his life in cardboard boxes, is so tragedic. Our mother, who lives with me now, I can't help because I don't know how to, if I can't even help myself. We lost my father the year before to lung cancer. We hardly talk about him because I can't, I start crying and can't get two words out. It's been a year, and I need help letting the emotions go or just be able to stop crying in the middle of the day. I don't think my friends understand really, because until it actually happens to you, its not something you can relate to when you've lost someone in this matter. Now the tears are flowing but at least I don't have to talk. I've accepted that he's gone, I resent the fact that more can't be done to bring his killer/s to justice. However, since it is out of my control, I have to let it go, I just need that help. I pray and pray but it is still hard.

I'm grateful for any suggestions here. Some help is better than no help.

[Miss Ngu]

Hi Aneres1 - thanks for posting. I am glad that you found this site. I have also found it extremely helpful. My brother died almost four years ago (age 53) and my mother died in May 2011 (age 78). I cannot possibly understand what you must be going through regarding your missing brother, and the unknown circumstances regarding what you may, or may not, ever know regarding what happened. I want to believe that justice will always be served -- whether in this life --or in another life -- or karmically -- or when we "meet our Maker" -- for our spirits to learn and grow. This thought helps me with my upset towards unfairness and injustice. Still, your brother is gone, and your father too, and I am sad for your pain.

I am learning that no matter what anyone could have said to "prepare" me for these losses would never match the reality. I could never be "prepared" for the many changes that accompanied the death of my loved ones. I also am in new territory with my grieving father, and my (now) non-existant friends. Knowing something logically is waaaay different than living through it.

I may not be one with good, helpful suggestions, but I wanted to respond to you, and let you know that people, like me, are reading what you write and relate to your hearthache on some level -- even though each of our losses have individual circumstances. Reading and writing at this site has felt like a safety-net for me, and I am Thankful. I hope it helps you as well.

I wish you comfort and strength.

[MartyT]

My dear friend,

I'm so very sorry to learn of the disappearance of your brother, and I can only imagine how painful this must be for you and all the other members of your family.

Whatever the circumstances, because of the uncertainty involved, your experience is a most devastating kind of loss, in some ways even worse than a death. That's because you have no idea what really happened to your brother, whether he is living or dead, suffering or at peace, homeless and wandering in the streets, or living someplace else.

What you are dealing with is a form of complicated grief known as ambiguous loss, and the feelings associated with it are the same as if you had confirmation that your brother has died, such as sorrow, longing, denial, anger and guilt. But this grief is also complicated by your need to keep hope alive,which constantly interrupts or delays the mourning process and makes it far more difficult to resolve. It's like harboring a wound that cannot heal. As one expert in this field states, "With ambiguous loss, there is no closure; the challenge is to learn how to live with the ambiguity."

I encourage you to find a copy of a book by PaulineBoss, PhD entitled Ambiguous Loss: Learning to Live withUnresolved Grief. If you click on the book title, you can read Amazon's description and reviews.

I also encourage you to pay a visit to Dr. Boss's Web site, AmbiguousLoss.com. See especially Four Questions about Ambiguous Loss (How does it differ from ordinary loss, Why does it matter, How does one ease its effects, and What are the types of ambiguous loss?) See also a short, Open to Hope video clip featuring an

Finally, because this type of loss is so difficult to resolve, in addition to the support I know you will receive from the wonderful people on this site, I strongly encourage you to find a therapist who specializes in complicated grief. This is way too big to think you can manage it all by yourself. You need the support of an experienced professional. You are worth it, my dear, and you certainly do deserve it.

[Aneres1]

I wanted to thank you for your responses. Since writing, a mysterious weight has lifted somewhat, as I was never able to really be vocal on the subject without bawling. When I was in my twenties a friend of mine lost his father very violently and I didn't know how to interact with him after. So instead, I removed myself, because I didn't know how to deal him and I was a little scared. I've been very fortunate up until now, not having a major loss in my family or anyone close till my thirties. A sense of embarrassment has resurfaced, call it being naive and stupid and living a too sheltered life. Sometimes I think now words can help, but sometimes words do help a little. Today I’m too familiar with death. I’m going to get the material recommended. Never knew they actually had a word for our kind of loss, talk about an education - Ambiguous Loss. I suspect the not knowing will be over our heads, lurking like a bad dream forever. I’m truly sorry about all our losses, this circle of life, is indeed some ride. When you can’t turn to your family, and you have forums such as these, it helps. Thank you again.