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One yr ago, today, Mike moved in with me.....after a courtship, that was mixed with difficulties.....and a whole lot of fun. I took a chance, I changed my life, getting rid of old worn out furniture, that I was comfortable with......but didnt make sense to keep as Mikes stuff was much newer...and took the plunge......a plunge that has taken me on such...a challenging path.......I was almost sick going to work that day...sick with worry " was I doing the right thing" , combining two households into one....... Mike assured me he would handle everything...and he did...............the best thing was driving in the driveway and seeing him jumping up and down, then he dissapeared to the couch, trying to act cool like nothing had happened........the house was in order, no moving boxes, like he was here.......all the time like nothing had changed, like this was meant to be....he worked hard...taking me on....this new path....

I never would have guessed where this yr would have taken me,excitement,joy laughter..... then days of despair, exhaustion, anger, and so many tears........ and the new wonderfull people that I have met here and in person............and the hope....that the future can be bright again and happiness... is returning in my life.

Today will be a quiet day filled with reflection of this yr......this day seems to be such an important day, anniversary for me......will run into town and do some shopping......home to clean the house, in case Mike should happen to show, in his heavenly travels........a nice dinner with my best friend and a toast to him. Thank you Mike for showing so me a different way of living...that is finer and simpler.....and thanks for showing me a way that I could love someone........that I had never felt before....through good and bad.....I have no regrets! Dave

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I thought of you this morning knowing this was an anniversary day for you. You took a risk, I know, when Mike moved in and little do we know where we will travel when we leap off the cliff believing we can sprout wings. You sprouted the wings and you are riding the breezes and storms that life has put in front of you....you are in my thoughts today...as is Mike.

Peace,

Mary

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Dave,

It's hard to comprehend how so much can happen in one year's time. Mike touched your life forever. We can never regret committing to them, even though it resulted in pain from being torn apart, the enrichment of having known them far outweighs the pain. Here's to a good day as you contemplate your time together...

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Hard to imagine that this day could be filled with such pain and happiness, I went with my dearest friend Ed, estate shopping, we arrived at each sale, if we were able to park , directly in front of the house...I stated " there is something great in there" and....yes there was, 80$ china appraised at 700$, lamps that I paid 40$ worth 500$.........a fun day.....bought other furniture for pennies on the dollar and took to the local consignment center and placed for sale.........will see what they bring......got home to clean up these finds............recieved a facebook blog that a good friend of mine, James's dad had died........

James has repeatedly told me " I dont understand the pain you are going through but I am here for you brother " a phrase that has brought such great comfort to me, someone who is wise enough to admit they dont understand......i called him tonight....he stated " of all my friends I knew you would call"........what do I say, when all my pain comes rushing to me? i am sorry, call me anytime........? I wish it were enough.....but it is all I can give at the present.......sad another has joined the flock... Dave

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I'm sorry to hear that Dave. My ex-fiance's daughter woke up this week to discover her husband died, he was so young! Heart attack. Her landlord placed an eviction notice on her door same morning so in the middle of this shock/grief, she had to find a place, pack up, move, while planning his funeral! Unbelievable.

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Doing good for today, bouyed with the memories of a nice weekend and the fact that the cardinal that appeared the day after Mike died, returned this last sat, hadnt seen it for a few weeks.....it is my sign that Mike is here with me......

Today is a wonderfull day at work, you will rarely hear me say that!! Due to the holiday, no traffic and NO bosses here and few pts! It is a dream! But with that being said will reflect on the real meaning of the day, of Dr. Kings fight for equality, and the meaning of his work and how it has affected us all in a positive....changing society, unfortunately this country has some more growing to do, so we can all have respect and equality....someday!

Today have enjoyed some internet surfing, ran across the blog Of Pat Bertram, that our Mary turned me onto, on one of her sites is this phrase, " Death leaves a heartache no one can heal, love leaves a memory no one can steal" From a headstone in Ireland.......Thought this was stated perfectly......hope all are ok...Dave

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This journey continues..... Yesterday at work 5 pm get a callf rom my neighbors that have my horse Fancy Diamond Cutter, a 4 yr old mare that has the patience, gentleness and wisdom of no other horse I have ever known. People in our town, bring their kids to George, who has her at present, and he gives lessons on her......in return he is responsible for feeding and shoeing her. Fancy (for short) began to colic...this can be very fatal for a horse.....

As most of you know, just got back on her 2 weeks ago.....and had a blast, after months of not wanting to do anything fun......it was a big step for me, and so glad I was feeling the desire to go riding, and now???!!!!! For abput 15 minutes, I was so angry,cussing....called our friend Cheryl, who listened and was supportive as always.........after I was on my rant for a few minutes I realized I was starting to feel a sense of peace......not that she will be ok......peace in knowing there is not a thing I can do about this situation, for you see I had 2 more hrs of work and a 90 minute drive home. Control freak Dave, for this moment, has given up on controlling life.....not entirely happy about this, but I do feel peace knowing we have done all we could.......and I am letting what happen, happen.

I didnt call the vet, for I know that George is doing all the vet would do, for a whole lot less $$......and as of today she is up walking, not in pain......with a dazed look in her eyes.....but know that is normal.....not out of the woods yet......but good chance she will be ok!

For now, have stopped trying to fight life.....for now have let go of the pressure and control.........for this instance......it feels better.......Dave

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Dave, so strange; Harv's favorite mare's name was Fancy. We had to put her down last February during a bad ice storm that took down some fence and she got out and was hit by a truck.It was so, so, so sad. I hope your Fancy comes out of this ok. Love, Pam I attached a pic of all the horses before that terrible accident happened

post-15051-13269172634883_thumb.jpg

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Oh I am doing ok, another trigger.....got home tonight to watch the last of "American Idol" Mike and I watched this last yr amazing to me how so many memories are surfacing now. Really know that the anniversary of his moving in, is impacting me alot, this is a bit overwhelming to me to change my life soo much, for us........ then........change it again... they say that change is healthy......and yet soo much change....cant believe that it is healthy........but what to do???????will continue to strive to build this new life....

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Hi Mike, Yes, the small things trip off memories....ambushes I call them. Change is stressful....but stress happens mostly between the ears i.e. our thoughts trip off stress. As I anticipate Bill's birthday and the downward spiral to his death, I also KNOW that the anticipation of this chapter is worse than the events themselves. All this is nice theory...bottom line. You miss Mike. I miss Bill. We are both sad. Anniversaries make us more aware (if that is possible) of our sadness. Tough days for sure. I work towards balancing the pain with gratitude for his love and tenderness....our oneness. Sometimes it actually helps. I wish you peace as you go through this. Mary

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Oh it is so hard for me to balance this pain......with so much gratitude......and yet I see it both of it... almost terrified of the memories of one yr ago, which are each day right now...this was such a great time for me last yr,each day........good and bad........... what an impact he made.......and continues to make on my life............and only those that have been through this, can understand...... ps Pam yes strange that Harv and I both have a Fancy.....went to see her, she is doing so well! Perhaps Harv stepped in, and took care of Fancy......actually a great comfort for me.........

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Dear Dave

I understand the impact another can have on our lives. Bill had a gigantic impact on mine in so many ways...I am a changed person because of him and a changed person because of his death and I know that is true of your also. Mike impacted your life big time when you took a risk and let him in. I know both of us would do it all over again to have one minute with that most important person. Mary

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hey thks Mary so amazing to me that I took the chance....and my heart has been put through a blender.............peace..it comes and goes...........so cruel to me that it wont.........stay as my friend...maybe tomorrow.......

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I know.peace is frequently hard to find. I know the ups and down. You are among friends who get it.

Mary

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Dave, I hope Fancy is doing better each day, please keep us posted!

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Hello all Fancy is doing well! and I am to.....last night caught me off guard.......so many anniversaries coming up, Valentines day, replacing the toilet, a trip to the er for me....it was a great day and comical will feel you in later on this, the day that Mike said " I get it this schedule that you have to keep isnt good I see it now" was a great phrase from him.....felt like he really got it, trying to take of what I have, house, animals and work and family....and him saying this....meant alot to me. I feel that this yr is speeding away from me.....so much has occured in 1 yr......still overwhelming to me think I have survived this.....

Today I woke up , not feeling that I was a failure for crying so much.......so many memories confronted me yesterday....but knowing that I needed to have last night..to continue to deal with what has happened......I literally felt hung over.....dehydrated from this experience.......while consuming this experience...... I get a call from back home in Wyo....let me start by telling you Leanne was my first boss, as a nurse, fair, supportive, a rarity, and fun......it was a great concern for me when I went home to Wyo.....almost 4 yrs ago for my bestfriends funeral.....and saw her a frail, wrinkled woman......who in her day was a knock out! Aged before her time, for a few yrs earlier her daughter was killed in a car wreck...it was shocking....and yet I felt it was all the stress of loosing her daughter, and raising her grandson as a result......found out today her son killed himself...10 days ago..in her home.....she sounded like a 90 yr old when she was telling me this.......she maybe 60......never felt like I didnt need to mourn what I have been dealt with......but this news shocked me.......back into a reality....to appreciate what I have........and to be thankfull that I have been only dealt with this .......stuff

So tomorrow will continue to take of me, have planned, chores here...and a ride on Fancy.......it is all I can do for now...... Dave

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Hi Dave,

Glad you are feeling a tad better. What's with the trip to ER?

Your former boss, Leanne, has surely had to deal with tragedy after tragedy. I can relate to the aging effect. I know I aged 15 or more years since Bill got sick in 2006. It takes its toll and losing a son to suicide and a daughter in an accident...both traumatic in their timing as well as shock. Sometimes I see other stories and though it does not diminish my grief....it makes me grateful for all I had with Bill....and especially when I know so many people who have never experienced what he and I had.

You take care of yourself...slow down a bit.

Mary

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Mary almost a yr ago,, the toilet went out, i tried and tried to fix but gave up and decided.with Mikes encouragement , bought a new one...as I was hauling out the old one and throwing it into the truck...it slipped out of my hands and broke on my head... I immediately felt the rush of blood from my head......knew i would survive.......but the look of horror on Mikes face.....it was priceless.....10 stitches later.........mike so attentive, me thinking it was no big deal......was funny to me.......

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Well, Dave, I think 12 stitches, blood running and a broken toilet on your head is a big deal. Good thing Mike was there...Reminds me of the time Bill put a drill through his thumb on the drill press. Yuck....stitches, bandages, etc. He also did not take it seriously....I almost passed out. M

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Dave,

I would have loved to have seen the accident report to the insurance company! I used to work for a doctor's office and I tell you, I've seen some funny ones...

How DID the toilet end up on your head, were you hurling it into a truck or something?

That poor lady, I can't imagine, all she's been through, that's horrible. I am thankful that no matter how uncertain my future or how many losses I've sustained, at least I have my kids, even if I don't see them often enough for my liking. :)

Glad to hear Fancy's doing better, and hope you got your ride!

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