I'm Going Through A Divorce

[keyboardplayer]

My husband and I separated on Christmas Eve of this year. The excuse he gave for not wanting to be with me is my obsessiveness. I have this thing, not sure if it's OCD or what it is, but I get really obsessive about stuff. I've been like that all my life and I was like that when he married me, but for the past year I've been stuck on my teddy bear collection. It was groovy when I was obsessed with music the same as him, but now I have a different obsession than he has, oh that's just horrible.

A lady who had been a friend of his for years called me and told me that the day I left, like a few hours after I left when we hadn't decided it was over, he had called her bragging like the cat that ate the canary (sp) that he had found another woman and he'd spent a few days with her. He couldn't even bother to tell me about it. He just kept saying I needed to grow up because of my teddy bear collecting.

He was always a big ol' control freak. He never hit me, but I wasn't allowed to have anything or go anywhere. I was like his little porcelain doll. As long as I was the good little wife and did whatever he said, things were groovy and he was happy, but if I ever said anything to disagree with him, the you-know-what would hit the fan. He never hit me, but he's had me very close to suicide lots of times. No wonder I turned to my bears. That was all I had to live for.

The part that sucks is that I keep remembering when we were first married and the things he would say to me. He would sometimes cry because he loved me so much. He would always say how he thanked God for me and that I was the only one of his wives that truly loved him and took our faith seriously, but now he can't stand the sight of me because I collect bears??? I still take my faith seriously and I still would have given my life for him. I basically idealized him in my mind because I was determined to make it work. Now it's like I've had to re-program my mind from all the brainwashing he did and I did on myself. Man it's like 1984 and Big Brother.

Sorry guys. I'm just having a moment and needed to vent. I hope it's okay coming here with all this. I feel bad posting this stuff seeing there are so many people here who have lost their spouses.

[kayc]

I'm sorry you are going through this. I belong to marriagebuilders.com and they don't recommend separation except in case of abuse, someone being a drug addict or alcoholic, in which case they'd refer to al-anon for starters.

How do YOU feel about this? You don't mention much of a reaction under the circumstances. Do you feel resentment, relief, hurt, anger, fear?

If you both have OCD, you could both benefit from therapy. It is a disorder that responds well to treatment. My guess is that is not the only reason why he left, but that is the platform he used as an excuse.

Sometimes people think another person is the easy solution (I can be with this person over here and I won't have to deal with "___" problem.) Problem is, we ALL have stuff and if you're in a relationship with a person, you're going to realize that sooner or later. The trick is finding the person you're most compatible with and their "stuff" you can deal with, vice versa...and we ALL have to work on our relationships. If we think not, we're just fooling ourselves and we're in for a big surprise. I think your husband will find that out. OW (other woman) and his big attraction will wear off in two to six months as the newness wears off, and it usually escalates wearing thin when they start living, spending a lot of time together.

You may want to see an attorney to discover your rights and what is a good move, what is not a good move. I wouldn't recommend leaving the family home. If you have children, you may want to file a legal separation to get child support and custody arrangements in order...and BTW, stipulate they not be around OW. It's not a good idea to have them confused and exposed to others in their dad's life. If they end up married, there's time enough to deal with that. Most of the time it doesn't come to that, but sometimes it does.

I had a controlling husband for 23 years, it's not fun. A good thing to work on would be your self-esteem, which comes from within, not from him, not from anyone else. He can't make you feel suicidal, that is something important to understand...if you feel suicidal because of his actions, it means you don't see a way out and you're not happy in your situation. Please don't ever consider that as a viable option. Whatever situation you're in, it's temporary, even if it's gone on a long time, you can change the course of your life. YOU can set about to make yourself in a happier place.

Do you have friends or family nearby? It sounds like you could use some support. If you want to save your marriage, it's important to expose their affair to his family, your family, your friends, even his workplace if they work together. A lot of people are afraid of making the other person mad, but that is not the thing to be afraid of...they get mad but it blows over. If you want to save your marriage, you have to kill the affair and they tend to die when exposed to light, they thrive in darkness.

Another important thing to not fall in the trap of is...don't let him come back and forth between the two of you. She will be meeting some of his needs but if you are also meeting some of his needs, he won't have a chance to notice that she is NOT meeting some of them. If he shows interest in you, make it clear that he has to let go of her first. If he reaches that point, let me know, I'll tell you what to do next. At this point, I would go "no contact" with him. No email, texts, phone, FB, nothing. Get an intermediary for your children, a sister or someone that will be the go between for visitation drop offs. Every time you subject yourself to seeing him it will trigger the original pain in you, you need to protect yourself. It's also important to not let him have that degree of control.

Meanwhile, work on yourself. If you need to lose weight, work on that, go to the gym, buy a new outfit, get your hair done, get help for your OCD, take up a new hobby or class you've always wanted to try. Spend time with friends. Redo your bedroom the way you want it. Make your life about yourself. If you need help sleeping or with anxiety or depression, see a doctor and talk to him/her about it. Remember to get exercise, even if it's just a walk a day, it helps you feel better. Eat healthy, drink plenty of water, all of this contributes to feeling better.

And come here, I'll be here to listen and talk to, okay?

If you don't want to save the marriage, that's entirely up to you too, you definitely have plenty of reason if you don't want to. The only one who can decide what's best is you.

You say you would have done anything for him...trouble is, the more you did, the less he thought of you, instead of appreciating you like he should have, he took you for a push over. Do less for him, do more for YOU. Become independent. You'd be amazed the response this usually evokes, but don't do it for his response, which would be a form of manipulation, do it because it's the best thing for YOU. Remember, you don't have to decide right now today if you want him or the marriage, you just need to take those first steps to making your life healthier and happier for YOU. Time enough for figuring tomorrow out. But if you have kids, get things set in stone legally to protect their interests. Normally it's in their best interest to stay in their home so their lives will be disrupted as little as possible. This man will probably try to push you around, tell you it's his home, his money, etc. etc., they read like a script. Don't fall for it. Get legal counsel and let them handle it. You can probably even get him forced to pay for it. Laws vary from state to state so it's important to check with counsel in your state. Make sure you get copies of all bank accounts, protect assets. Usually when they leave they start new accounts, withdraw money, start protecting their vehicles, etc. It's important to act NOW before that happens.

I have known people who are OCD, they vary a lot from extreme to liveable. IMHO they can all benefit from some therapy, but don't think that alone is why the marriage split. The truth is, controlling people want to control everything and your OCD isn't something he can control, that bugs him big time. There's other issues here too.

You say "the only one of his wives"...how many times was he married? Do you know why the other marriages split up? Has he got a pattern going here?

Do not feel bad for posting here...yes a lot have lost spouses to death, but losing a spouse through their walking out does NOT feel good either and you need support just as much as anyone here. I'm glad you came here and hope you will come "vent" any time you need to...and you're likely to need to a lot in the upcoming days ahead.

(((hugs))) from someone who's been there...

Kay

[keyboardplayer]

Wow. There's a lot here. No we don't have kids. I want them so bad, but I'm thankful now that we couldn't have any because I've been the kid in the divorce situation and it's not fun. I was his fifth wife, which should have been a big ol' red flag. I don't want to save the marriage because he's a lot older than me and I don't think the dude will ever change his ways. This has been the pattern for his whole life. I thought he had changed, but he hasn't.

I thought I conveyed how I feel, but I guess I didn't. My emotions are a rollercoaster right now. Sometimes I'm so happy to be out of that situation that I feel like I'm free, but then sometimes I'm sad or hurt or mad all at the same time. I didn't know it was possible to feel this many emotions at once. The last year and probably before that, I was so depressed I was unable to play the piano. It was more like a hollow, nothing feeling than sadness, but now that I can feel again, I play all the time like I used to. I'm glad to have that back. It's scary to not be able to play.

What hurts so bad is that someone could just turn off their love like he did. He used to always tell me how much he loved me, and even though he did a lot of jerky things while we were married, I still thought he loved me, but then all of a sudden he could just turn off his love over something so stupid is beyond me.

You said to cut off contact with him, which I have. His voice that I once thought was so sexy now makes me want to puke. Pardon my bluntness. I haven't talked to him except to get the cable and phone out of my name and to let him know when I was coming to get my stuff out of his house. I thought he would destroy my bears and dolls, but thankfully they are all intact. What is really scary is that sometimes I have these visions of ripping out his hair or beating him with a baseball bat, which I wouldn't do, but sometimes I would like to show him how bad it hurts. Man I'll be glad when that goes away.

[kayc]

When I read your original post, I didn't get a sense of your emotions, it felt flat, like you were relaying facts, so it was hard for me to tell if you felt relieved, angry, hurt, what. It's not uncommon to feel back and forth with our emotions or feel conflicting emotions at once. It IS important we keep them in check and not act on them unless in a positive direction. You haven't said if you've seen a lawyer and separated bank accounts, I hope so. Sometimes when we've been married to someone for quite a while we think we know them...that can be a mistake as oftentimes they turn ruthless in divorce even if they're the ones that initiated the turn of events. My best piece of advice? Protect yourself.

I'm glad you're able to play piano again, and it's been less than a month, that's a good sign. It tells me that his leaving was maybe a good thing for you in the long run, even if it may not feel good in the short term.

It is hard to comprehend how someone can be Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde, how they can say they love you and want to spend the rest of their life with you, and then dump you on a dime...I only know that sometimes they do that, because I've certainly been the recipient. You mentioned how good you'd been to him, yeah, been there too...it's amazing to me how they can throw all that away instead of recognizing the good they have and thanking their lucky stars. I only know that some people (not all) treat you WORSE the better you are to them. It's their value system, how they look at things. It shows a lot about their character. They're the kind that blame you when they treat you bad because they view you as stupid enough to have let the situation occur, instead of feeling guilty for breaching their vows to you. All we can do is let go of them and the toxin they've brought into our lives.

I encourage you to get a counselor or someone to help you work through your feelings and guide you onto a healthier path for your life. It takes a lot of insight to learn from our mistakes and not repeat them, and part of that solution is in recognizing the red flags we somehow missed...there usually are some, although some people are very good at displaying one side and then later another side emerges. About all we can do is give it ample time to get to know someone before entering a relationship with them.

(((hugs))) to you! What do you play (on the piano)?

[keyboardplayer]

Okay here we go. I guess I sounded flat because it's easier for me to talk about it than it is to type. It was really hard for me to get it down. Our bank accounts have always been separate, but he knew my card number, so I had it changed and got everything out of my account until the new card arrived, this after idiot paid bills with my card number over the phone. I'm staying with my parents now, so there's a big adjustment. I have a lot of stuff and now I just have a small bedroom to try to keep it in, grrrr. We separated on Christmas Eve, so I came to my parents' house for Christmas and then spent a few weeks with my grandma, which I really enjoyed except for the fact that I was really emotional a lot of times. Now that I'm back home and settled in pretty much, though, the pain is hitting me like a mack truck. I did pretty good at first, but I think now it's settling in big time. At first I was like, haleluja, (sp) I don't have to deal with his b.s. anymore, but now that I'm home I think it's finally hitting me that it's over. I feel like there's this big old hole where my heart used to be. I know it'll get better because I couldn't stay in that situation, but man it hurts so bad right now. I didn't know anything could hurt like this. It feels just like someone I love has passed away. Sometimes I can't express myself with words and I use music, so here's what it feels like.

Oh, and BTW, you asked what I play on the piano. I play bluegrass and very old-style country and southern gospel mostly, sort of like the piano player on the song I posted.

[kayc]

I totally LOVE music like that! Country gospel is my favorite. I love bluegrass too. I listen to country all the time.

How long were you married? It feels like a death because it IS. It's the death of your marriage, your hopes and dreams, all that you thought you had together. I am so sorry, I know how it feels. I've had six major relationships and ALL of them hurt/dumped me except my sweet late husband...why he had to die I'll never know. I don't feel like giving it a go with anyone again. Enough is enough!

I hope all goes well for you, I know it's hard going back home to parents, I WISH I had parents to go to...my mom is insane, literally, and my dad has been dead for 30 years. He was an alcoholic, but sweet nonetheless.

When my last fiance broke up with me by Fed Ex (yes by Fed Ex), I cried every day/night for months. I finally decided it was the last time I was going to cry over him, and I haven't since. But at least I didn't have to file a missing person's report like I did with my XH...he quit his job and went into hiding, the police found him living in our new motor home with his GF. I had to pay for the motor home, his car, his Freightliner, his business expenses, his insurance, cell phone, etc. It's because of him that I'm losing my home, for I would have had it paid in six months if not for him. Now I'm laid off and can't find a job, unempl. about to run out. I do better without men...except my George, he treated me like a queen.

I hope you get a George in life. We deserve to have true love at least once. Hang in there, it will get better...I know emotions are raw right now, but trust me, you will get over him, it just takes time. Have you tried writing music?

[keyboardplayer]

Oh yes I write songs a lot. I've written a few over this situation, but some of them haven't been nice just because I'm so mad.

I just talked to him to get everything situated for the divorce and I almost broke down and cried. At one time our conversations would have been all, "I love you baby", but now it's just cold hard business and he talks to me like a total stranger. We were married five years and we dated nine months before that. We were inseparable at first. Those were the happiest times in my life *cry*. Now I just can't believe all this is happening. It wasn't supposed to be this way. Man it hurts so bad sometimes that it's like a knife stabbing me in the chest. It's been a month today.

[kayc]

I'm so sorry. I'm glad you didn't cry around him. There is a website I got familiar with when Jim broke up with me, it is:

loveshack.org (make sure you don't accidentally type .com, totally different! LOL) A lot of the posts are breakups with BF/GF, of course it's harder and more complex if it's a marriage.

-----------------------------------------------------------------

I got some help there, esp. Don Ho's post on Reconciliation List. (the following is from Don Ho's post):

Reconciliation List

I'm not a fan of second chances because they typically end up with the Dumpee getting dumped again and I think the Dumpees most often are holding on to false hope of getting back together. However, I have this list I was working on (based largely on another LS Members thread) for those of you that want to know how to act and what to do IF a Dumper contacts you and really wants you back. Before you read this, you should probably take a look at No Foolin's thread:

"Do you really think contacting your ex is going to help you? Guide for the long walk": http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t56954/.

Also there's Caliguy's, "Guide to second chances": http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t84894/

and Caliguy's "No Contact Guide": http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t81399/.

This should give you PLENTY to read and think about. Ironically, my list turns out to be 12 steps:

1. ACT HAPPY

Don’t show any signs of being sad or depressed in front of them. This doesn’t mean going up to them and saying “my life’s fabulous now I’m sooo glad we’re finished”. It just means you should put on an appearance that everything is fine and dandy. This is an especially important rule if your ex found you to be clingy. No one wants to feel like they’re responsible for someone else's happiness, so show them that they’re not. You don’t need them to be happy.

2. DO NOT BRING UP THE RELATIONSHIP!

As above under ‘stop questioning them’. If they happen to bring up any relationship type talk, it’s ok to engage if you think you can both do it in a calm collected manner. If not or if it drags on without going anywhere, it’s best to just to divert and go back to normal, friendly chit chat or make your excuses and exit the conversation (in a polite way). If they’re constantly on the phone to you crying over what’s gone on but show no sign whatsoever in wanting to reconcile, they’re just stringing you along and you can’t let them.

3. DON'T ARGUE

Arguing closes off lines of communication which is not what you want to do when you’re trying to open them up or keep them open. The more you fight, the more you criticise, the more they defend themselves, the more they back off the less they think of you and the more they think they’ve made the right decision to leave you. Stop arguing, keep your emotions in check!

4. DON’T REACT TO THEIR HOSTILITY

It’s not unknown for dumpers to react in a cold or hostile way to the dumpee after a break up even when the dumpee hasn’t done anything to deserve it, especially when they have a new person!! The natural thing to do is react angrily to this and demand to know why you’re being treated unfairly. I don’t know why the dumper feels this need to be cruel but I do know that when you react to it, you just make matters worse. Quite often you don’t get an answer for their behavior and the more you push the more hostile and distant they get. If they tell you that you can’t pick up the rest of your stuff from their place because they’re too busy, just tell them “that’s fine, we can sort that out another time”. You’re easy going, you’re cool, you’re calm and that should hopefully force your ex to stop fighting and start acting rationally.

5. FAKE INDIFFERENCE

Fake indifference about the breakup. It’s not what you wanted but it was their decision so that’s ok with you. Obviously it’s not ok, but acting like you care too much is unlikely to work. Especially if they’ve told you there’s no chance they’ll change their mind and want you back. They’ve broken up with you and they’re totally unfazed by the whole thing. You on the other hand are heartbroken, confused, hurt and angry. You cry, you get upset and you give off the impression that you’re desperate and you need them. You push and you push and you push and they back further and further away. When you act indifferent to the break up you stop becoming needy and instead come across as a mature rational person who although didn’t want the break up is willing to accept it and refuses to dwell.

6. STOP TELLING THEM YOU LOVE THEM

When they’ve dumped you and you’re saying “I love you” you’re trying to claw them back into a relationship they don’t want to be in. You’re saying to them I need you, I want you, please give me what I’m looking for. As far as they’re concerned it’s all done and dusted and you’re just grasping at straws. You can’t force someone to feel what they don’t feel. They don’t love you anymore, that’s fine. You’re backing off. There’s no pressure and you’re not gonna tell them you love them because although you’d like to have them you don’t need them.

7. STOP QUESTIONING THEM

Don’t ask them what they’re thinking, what they’re feeling, what they thinking about the break up, if they’ve noticed how much you’ve changed. This can be very intimidating to people and it puts them on the defensive. Also if you keep asking them and they keep having to explain what they feel they’ve already explained, they’re gonna start getting annoyed with you and want less and less to do with you. Take off the pressure and watch them feel more at ease.

8. STOP CRITICIZING & COMPLAINING

Don’t blame them for the break up, don’t complain about what they did wrong in the relationship. It’s fine to talk to let off steam to others about this (just don’t do it too often otherwise your friends will dump you) but if you want to reconcile with your ex, don’t criticize. Judging them and chipping away at them is not gonna keep the lines of communication open. If you wanna discuss the ins and outs of what you both did wrong in the relationship, chances are you’ll have that talk if you get back together. Now is not the time.

9. DON'T TRY TO CONVINCE THEM TO FEEL DIFFERENTLY

People don’t like to be told what to think and feel. It’s a form of control and who likes to be controlled? Nobody. They already know how they feel, they’ve made their decision and the more you try to persuade them otherwise, the more they’ll dig in their heels. Don’t try to convince them that you’re so wonderful, the perfect BF or GF and why they should love you and feel a certain way. You’re just pushing and it will push them away. Also, when you try to persuade them to feel differently you’re insulting them because they think you’re questioning their judgement and decision. That’s not going to help your cause.

10. DON'T GIVE THE IMPRESSION YOU'RE WAITING AROUND

If you keep letting them know that you’re there if they ever change their mind, you’re nothing but a pushover and a sap. Every time you give off that impression you’re saying I can’t get anyone else, I have low self esteem, I’ll be your plan B, I’m willing to accept whatever breadcrumb you throw in my direction. Not very attractive to a potential mate. This attitude doesn’t give of confidence or sex appeal. You’re absolutely no challenge to them anymore. They don’t even have to try. Boring! Best to tell them or give them the impression that you’re out having fun, seeing people of the opposite sex and moving on.

11. TRY NEW THINGS

If you’ve been stuck in a bit of a rut in your life, now’s the time to get out of it. One of the reasons your ex may have left you is boredom. Everyone has things they’ve been putting off doing or have always wanted to do but have never had the time. Now’s the time to take action. Now your partner has gone you probably have that extra bit of spare time to try some new things and show your ex that you’re not as boring and predictable as they thought you were. It could be anything at all. Maybe you’ve always wanted to learn to drive, or learn a language or visit some far flung city or take cooking lessons. It doesn’t matter what it is as long as it’s something you want to do. Your new found confidence that you’ve gained from your new skill/new experience will be alluring and you’ll find yourself having more to talk about which will make you more interesting too.

12. TANTALIZE, REASSURE & WORRY THEM

Tantalise them, reassure them and worry them. Tantalise means your new found confidence, your looks, your conversational skills or whatever it was that your ex was attracted to in the beginning. Tantalising them means alluring them back to you but in an indirect sort of way. You don’t want them to know that all this effort is for them! Reassuring means making sure they realise you’re not gonna be needy, you’re not gonna be possessive, you wont be jealous and you’re not desperate to win them back. Worry means worrying them that they might lose you. Don’t tell them they might lose you, just go out and date and don’t let them know that nobody else compares to them. If you do that they’ll know you’re effectively just waiting in the wings. Reverse the roles and hopefully when they know someone else is cozying up to you they’ll start to wonder what they’ve thrown away.

-------------------------------------------------

I also got a lot of help from marriagebuilders.com in the infidelity section. If you post your story there, there will be some seasoned vets there to assist you. They have so much material on their site, it's wonderful and amazing. You can spend years there just learning! If I ever do meet anyone worthy of my attention, at least I'll be more prepared.

Writing songs can be a good outlet for getting your feelings out and expressed, and I think that's important validation when someone has dissed you like this. It's very hurtful for your husband to just toss you aside, believe me, I know, been there too many times.