Did Anyone Else Have To Make Decisions?

[slm12811]

did anyone else have to make final decisions (like where their family member/loved one went to)?

i was my dad's power of attorney, both medical and general, and making some of those decisions were the hardest ones i've ever made. i'm only 22, but have more knowledge in the medical feild than alot of people my age who aren't working in it themselves. the hardest part was to move him from in-patient hospice to a skilled nursing facility for long term care. medically he was very hard to place and alot of places rejected him from everything he needed. i finally found a place which seemed to be a really good fit for his respiratory needs, but that place turned out to be nothing more than a NIGHTMARE! now, i feel guilty for placing him there and not doing more to get him out of there.

he was stable before he moved there nov 1, and after the move things went downhill FAST. he had a "unwitnessed fall" nov 11, and became unresponsive. was moved to the emergency room @ the hospital, and after spending the weekend there was discharged back to the facility (i was told we had no other choice but to send him back), so he went back on the 13th and continued to decline, fast. noone communicated with me or would listen to my concerns until dec 7th when the facility told me we "HE NEEDS TO GO BACK TO HOSPICE". so i got him back to in-patient hospice around 730 that nite, and 948pm on the 8th he passed.

i feel awful, even though i did everything i could and even more than people were liking me to do, but i still feel there was more i could have done for him, or something that would have worked better for placement.

[AnnieO]

I am so sorry about your dad.

Yes, I had to make some very tough decisions and I understand what you are saying. I remind myself all the time, " I did the very best that I could, at the time, with the information I had. I did what i thought was the right thing and thats all I could do". Please know you did too. You did the very best that you could. Don't second guess yourself, your dad knew you loved him and were taking care of him .

[Spika]

I am very sorry for the loss of your father. Going through that is very hard in itself, making medical decisions makes it even more difficult. But what AnnieO said is true. You did the best you could in the dire situation. Who are we to know the outcome of a situation? So you can't blame yourself for that. But I do understand the personal turmoil you are in. You lost your father just one year younger than I was when I lost mine, last August. I question myself very much as well.

[Manquer]

I was in college at home for Christmas break when I had to decide whether or not to keep mom and home or to put her in hospice. She was terminal with lung cancer and the doctors said there was nothing more they could do. She was in so much pain, every move caused her extreme agony. One day we went to the ER and found out her collarbone was fractured which was why she was in so much pain, but there was nothing they could do. They gave me morphine and told me to administer it every 2 hours as needed. For the next 2 days I did just that, feeding her morphine from a eye dropper every 2 hours around the clock. It was horrible. It would help the pain but only for so long and it started to take away her personality. She couldn't live like this. I decided to put her in a respite house which is basically a home where you go to die. The facility was beautiful and I enjoyed many fond times with her there and felt like I could focus on our relationship rather than focus on her medical needs as I had done at home. Now I was faced with the decision of whether or not to go back to college. I was only 19. I decided to go with the thought that I could be back as soon as things got rough. About 2 weeks later I got a call saying that her health was declining. I didn't want to face it. I didn't want to see her like that. I decided to stay an extra day at school before flying back home so I could gather my things and collect my thoughts....That extra day made me too late. I got a call the next day saying she wasn't going to make it that long and as I was frantically searching for flights I had to say goodbye to her. She couldn't speak so I was able to do was sob into the phone how much I loved her and that I was going to see her soon. 20 minutes later she was gone. I miss her so much. I wish I was there for her in the end but at the same time I'm glad I can remember her in a better light and I feel better knowing the last thing I said to her was that I loved her.

3 years later I was faced with more decisions.

Now I'm 23 and February 1st was the 3 year anniversary of my mom passing. I talked to my dad and sister and drank Molson and made one of her favorite dishes to remember her. Overall it was a good day and I was feeling positive. On the morning on February 3rd I got a call at work from my sister. She is crying hysterically. I can't make out any words she is saying. Finally through the sobs I manage to hear "Daddy didn't wake up this morning" the rest is a blur. I keep thinking "I just talked to him, he was just fine!" but that doesn't bring him back. He is gone and we have no idea why. Later we find out from the autopsy that he had a heart attack in his sleep. He had heart disease he didn't know about. I am in shock. I can't believe it. I just finished honoring and reflecting about my mother, how can he be gone too?? The memorial service was nice and many people attended, but there is so much to do....finances, bills, debt, affairs...everything. It is too much. My sister is unable to deal with any of the legalities and has shut everyone out. She is 20, but acts more like a 14 year old...which leaves me with all the decisions. What to do with this piece of furniture, his car, his bills, his insurance, his bed...it's too much! He was more than just a dad, he was one of my closest friends.

Life is just so strange. I'm terrified of loosing other people I'm close to. I can't bear to lose anyone else. I get the saddest when I see other people with their parents, when kids my age can call and talk to their parents or go visit them. It saddens me to think that if I get married neither of my parents will be there. They will never meet any grandchildren. It's just not fair.