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My Biggest Fan Is Gone


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I have been struggling over how to write about the death of my mom for a few days since I discovered this site. She died from complications related to CREST disease which is an autoimmune disease that delivers a lifetime of chronic pain and other health problems. One of those diseases no one knows about, so the treatments are not very helpful. I live in Salt Lake and she lived in Pueblo Colorado so we saw each other every few months, but we talked almost everyday. Thankfully, she had many family members in Pueblo to look after her as she became unable to take care of herself.

Over the last year, mom was too immobilized to go to my wedding last October, or be with us when my wife had my mom's first grandchild in April, or for my sister's wedding in early June. Each time she would gear up to get healthy and come to my wedding, etc. Each time she would have a setback and be very sad not to see these milestones that every parent wants to see.

I visited her in the hospital for an entire week just about three weeks before she died. It was to let her see her grandson for the first time. She did and she was so happy. Because I am the only one making money right now we had to head out so I could get back to work.

Her health was improving and no one but me expected her to die soon. I could see that she was tired of the pain and that for her to get healthy to leave the nursing home would be too much to handle. About five days before her death she never really picked up her room phone when I called and then she fell in the morning trying to use the bathroom and died of internal bleeding that afternoon.

Now three months down the road I am angry at the world for every little thing and I have started therapy which is bringing to surface things about myself I don't like and am having issues dealing with. I am depressed everyday, and dealing with an infant and a stepson has been extremely exhausting and frustrating. I remember a time when I was happy and I want those times back. I feel like I'm falling apart. Not doing enough to support my family. Not treating them like I should. I feel very little hope in my life. I am in the "what's the point?" mode.

I was still in shock over Mom's death until about 2 months after she passed. I woke up one day and thought, Oh my God I have lost my biggest fan. The one person in my life who asked for nothing and gave everything. The person who helped me become the man I am even when I would doubt myself. I want her back, but she is not coming back and this makes no sense to me. How could she be dead. Every since that day I haven't been myself and have no idea who I am or how to manage this invisible pain.

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  • 2 weeks later...

hey,

6 months ago my mom commited suicide. I came home from school about 2 months before i was to graduate highschool and found her. A month later my brother commmited suicide as well. In just one day my entire life collapsed before my eyes. It hasent been the same since and will never be. My family now consists of me and my dad. I see familys walking around togethor all the time and i cant help but be jealous. It makes me happy and depressed at the same time because i think about how my family once was. I miss my family so bad. I get depressed alll the time. Sometimes i just want to talk to my mom so bad. The other day i had an infection on my hand i thought man if she was here shed know how to fix this. It seems like every sunday is a bad day. Im depressed with this hopeless feeling much like yours. I just think man life sucks. The only inspiration i have to press on and continue is my dream of living in the country one day, where i can wake up every day and see the mountains and know that im away from it all. It drives me crazy to see all the stupid materialistic rich kids here who know nothing about what real life is. They drive their f****** mercedes cars around while their mommys and daddys pay for everything. It makes me angry. A lot of times i just get really pissed for no reason. Then after im done being mad im left wondering where the hell that just came from. Im a student at a&m right now. Just know that your not alone. Theres others like you and like me out there. My motto is 's*** happens'. I know there isnt anything i can do about what happened to my family. Still it f****** sucks. Anyway, press on man, find something that you want and look forward to happier times. Like taking your family to the mountains and getting away from it all. The beauty of the mountains always makes me feel peace inside. Hell, take a drive by yourself to colorado and take it all in. Find some inspiration. Spend some time alone. Anyway, just thought i might let you know that your not the only one. I do know how it is...

- john

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  • 2 weeks later...

HI Hans

I'm so sorry that your mum died. You sound very sad just now, and I hope you are doing OK. I sometimes wonder if therapy doesn't make things more difficult. If you finding that things are coming to the surface about yourself that you dont like, then perhaps the right issues aren't bieng addressed.

I was lucky, I found a really good therapist. Who addressed the exact issue in hand. And really I felt a lot better.

But that was a long time ago, and not concerning the death of a relative. I am now finding this site really useful. Writing to people with similar situations is really helping me.

My mother died 14 months ago. It was quite traumatic 'cause I was working in China, and I had to fly home. She waited for me. That night when I got off the plane, I saw her and spoke to her. The next morning she was dead.

I know she was released from her pain. And she probably felt an emense release when she went. But seeing my family, brother and sister and father crying around me, I knew I had to be strong. So that's what I did. Now I'm experiencing some flash backs, and renewed pain. But it's all part of the process. If you want to write to someone, I promise I'll listen, You're not alone.

Fiona

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  • 2 years later...

Hi All,

I am sorry for all your loses,

Know that I am praying for you all and that God loves you. I to have lost my biggest fan this would be my dear mom. My mom was everything to me, she was my teacher, my friend and my diary. I told my mom everything and she was the only one who really understood me. I am having a very difficult time right now even after it being a year since she died because I do not feel comfortable just talking to anyone. This is why I like this website because no one really knows who is who. thank you for listening

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hello, i lost my dad when my youngest daughter was only 2 months. to say i was a daddys girl is an understatment. my prayers go out to you. after my dad died i walked around in a very strange state of mind - it was almost as if i were walking through someone elses dream. work was my safe zone, home was were i withdrew and demanded that i was fine and that i was not crazy or depressed. which most days i felt both. it was very exhausting being the mother of a young child - i also had a ten year old and a new husband that didnt get along. it was a very bumpy road. the good news is, it does get better. i firmly believe that our parents made us who we are, and now it is our turn to be there for our children (biological or not), the way they were there for us. it is another way to keep them "alive" through our children. my youngest daughter will never remember my father if i dont keep his lessons and stories alive. he was a great man and taught me many things. by the sound of it your mother made you a great man, please pass that on. give your children her lessons and be their biggest fan. i wish you the best of luck and god bless. sarah

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Hopsing, I too are trying to keep the memories of my parents alive so that my neice and nephews will remember what wonderful grandparents they were. My neice was six years old when they both died and my one nephew was four years old and the other nephew was under two. I try to think of things that my parents did with them or happy memories I have of them to share with them. I am doing this because they were such wonderful people and I want the kids to know them for what they were . So I am glad for your email and hope that it works for your family and God bless you all Shelley

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I was still in shock over Mom's death until about 2 months after she passed. I woke up one day and thought, Oh my God I have lost my biggest fan. The one person in my life who asked for nothing and gave everything. The person who helped me become the man I am even when I would doubt myself. I want her back, but she is not coming back and this makes no sense to me. How could she be dead. Every since that day I haven't been myself and have no idea who I am or how to manage this invisible pain.

Dear Hans,

Your above quote really hit the nail on the head for me. I have been parentless since i was 17... And i think losing your biggest fan is a change that people don't really understand unless it's happened to them personally. We do change, and we won't be ourselves. How can we be without our number 1 fan!? All i know is somehow I'm still here 10 years later even though the people who made me aren't. I miss just knowing that there is a person on the planet that has an undying, unconditional love for me in the way only a parent can. Sometimes I feel like how can anybody ever know the full me when they never met my folks? It's teary stuff and near impossible to get your head around at times but you are not alone.

much love and hugs

hopeful

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Hi All,

I do not know how you feel but I can only imagine what it is like. But I feel the very last post that is here does hit the nail on the head for me. I am also parentless but I did have them for forty years but now I have made it a year on my own sometimes I wonder how I did. My mom was my biggest fan and now that she is gone I feel no one else really understands me. I could not imagine not having either parent when I was seventeen so I hope that things are getting better for you. If you ever need to vent or talk about anything please email me. I will pray for you and I will keep you in my thoughts. Do take care and God Bless you

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First, I just want to say I am sorry, and secondly, I want to say I SO understand your pain. My sister and I were talking last night about the same thing.....We lost our mom in June, and it's so hard to see life go on, when we have suffered such a huge loss. I, too, live away from "home" and I feel blessed to have been able to be there to care for mom every weekend and her last days, however, I miss her more than imaginable. She, too, was my biggest fan! Whenever anyone else questioned decisions me and my husband would make regarding our family, she was there to cheer us on and believe in us! I still hear her enthusiastic "HI!!!!" when we would walk in the door! No one responds that way to me......except mom! I'm 38 and look my wonderful mother for granted! She was supposed to live into her 90's like her mother is!

One thing I think we need to remember is that they ARE still with us and cheering us on! They way they made us feel can never be taken from us! Secondly, we need to know that God is really our biggest fan, and now are mom's literally have a bigger cheering section! If we allow ourselves to hear and see it, we will! I know our mothers would not want us angry,(and trust me, I haven't been the nicest mom to my own kids since losing my mother!) or down, or unenthusiastic! We need to continue to strive to make them proud and still live up to the expectations that they raised us with! We will be better parents that way too!

Hearing your pain is like playing a recording of my soul, however, I find peace and joy knowing that their pain is gone and they are celebrating and anticipating the day we join them in heaven! We owe it to them to find happiness---grief is real, and it is ok, but we know they wouldn't want us to not move forward. We will ALWAYS carry them and their wonderful spirits with us! No one can take that!

God bless and I wish you well!

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Hi BGC3kids,

I just want to thank you for your post and the kind words you wrote. I read it over two times and the more I read it over the more it helps me understand that eventhough my parents are not with me anymore they are waiting up in heaven and cheering for me loudly. Thank you so very much for this post and your understandings. Take care and God bless Shelley

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