dave s Posted February 4, 2012 Report Share Posted February 4, 2012 Have never recognized anxiety before...this happened. Due to the fact that work has slowed down in the psych hospitals, I was finally forced back to work medical...the trip to work was filled with heavy breathing and numb hands...was all to aware that I was having some anxiety issues. Got into work and visited with these people who I have always been friendly with, actually all very good people, who asked where I have been for so long...told the story with great support. And then went to take care of my business with my assigned pts....oh the drama, these pts provided, the memories of caretaking...the STRESS, anyhow maintained my composure and did the best I could....... On my drivehome have realized...that this day could have been soo much worse, and was gratefull for this, and yet realize, despite taking time off from medical nursing...........I am done, fried, burned out! The cost of caretaking, for me, is just to much to bear.....for me it is a burden.........soo how do I turn this experience into something positive? There has to be a reason...for me to be going through this......Dave Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mfh Posted February 4, 2012 Report Share Posted February 4, 2012 Dave, you have been talking for a while on and off about being burned out.mso glad you are going to take a break...or a forever break. So sorry it was such a difficult day. Mary Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dave s Posted February 4, 2012 Author Report Share Posted February 4, 2012 Mary really thought that 9 months, could have bougt me sometime in the profession.......guess I learned another lesson, it didnt...or is this something else I need to work through....concerning Mike.......well anyhow, looking like a forever break is looking like a real possibility! Will take it easy and not make any quick decisions here........ Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
terp8r Posted February 4, 2012 Report Share Posted February 4, 2012 Dave, I'll be thinking of you and I understand how this decision is so tough. If I win the lottery, we all can retire!! ; ) Hope tomorrow is a good day my friend. Peace and love to you, Pam Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
melina Posted February 4, 2012 Report Share Posted February 4, 2012 Dave, I'm sorry this was so tough for you - but I do think I understand. I work at the same hospital my husband spent his last few weeks in. Even now after a year and a half, I'm still haunted by the memories as I walk in the door. Even the cafeteria bothers me as I remember the cups of espresso I bought to bring him because he didn't like the coffee they gave to patients. I don't know how to help other than to say it does get a little easier. The first few weeks back to work were pretty bad, but it eases up over time. If not, as a nurse maybe you can explore other possibilities. I finally made the decision to switch jobs - but mostly because I was unhappy with some of the changes made in my work environment (like my new boss). I liked my job, but it will be nice not to have to spend each day at the hospital. Melina Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dave s Posted February 4, 2012 Author Report Share Posted February 4, 2012 I am writing this note, as I tossed and turned some last night, thinking about things........am almost glad yesterday occurred and I am able to recognize, what happened.........although hard to say that it was a good thing to go through and to feel.......but am able to realize that this chapter, as a nurse, in a hospital is coming to an end.....yes of course, would love to get out of the profession totally.....but the reality, dictates......that probably wont happen for sometime......so need to look at other nursing options....Nursing use to be a lucrative gig here.....but unfortunately with the economy, it has taken a hit here to, but bound to be something at some point. I totally love the Hospice model of nursing but that is not an option..........for me, for a long time. Thanks everyone for listening to me! And a note for my self, Dave remember this day, and get to work on developing other career options! Dave While in the shower, dawned on me, yes the $ reality dictates that I, we all do things we dont care for.....but another reality trumps that...my happiness in everyday living is more important.......another note to myself..... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted February 4, 2012 Report Share Posted February 4, 2012 Dave, yes $ dictates...years ago I made $17/hr with benefits, now I'm applying for $10/hr jobs w/o benefits, FT down to PT, and if something doesn't change, will lose my home, time is running out. It is a shame that $ has to play such a dictating role in our lives, but it is a fact of our lives. I really hope you can find a way to use your nursing in a way that you would enjoy going to work instead of feeling burned out. Could it be that caretaking brings back what you went through with Mike? It is in itself a very demanding and draining role. You are definitely in my thoughts and prayers as you look for an answer to your career situation. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mfh Posted February 5, 2012 Report Share Posted February 5, 2012 Yes, money the ongoing concern.... I am glad, David, that you are going to ponder this and move a bit slowly...sort etc. so that you will be certain you are making the right decision....I know you have felt burnt out for a long time. Peace, Mary Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dave s Posted February 5, 2012 Author Report Share Posted February 5, 2012 Kay thanks for your input, sure feel bad about your situation and your home, had to give up my home, before this one due to this economy...it is rough, and really bothered me for awhile........but later felt a great weight lifted off me..a freedom of sorts...yes $ dictates so much of our lives.....dont have a real problem with that.....but at some point when it feels as though it is affecting your health......something has to change... Yes Mikes death changed me in so many ways....and like of us all I am struggling with my new identity...a new identity I welcome, in a strange sense, but hate at the same time, for I am scared to change old habits that I have....hated, even before Mike was in my life....being the oldest child, becoming a nurse, putting others needs, before my own...for that is what is expected...and feeling that I had no control of my life....work and family dictated everything... I adored Mike and still do.....he encouraged me to get out of the rut that life and myself had created.....he encouraged me to look at how I could change my life.......but during the short time together.....it wasnt enough..........I guess he gave me a glimmer of how I could take care of myself, before others.......and that is a strange feeling for me...even to this day...........but feel that some progress is being made........putting limits on my family.....who I still appreciate soooo much....and dealing with a career that I have allowed...to drain me.......work in progress here...soo much good in my life...but soo much has happened in such a short time......OVERWHELMING I enjoyed a nice day here....errands and time at the ranch, time with my best friend Ed...but alas not all is good, for Cowboy.....a very young ranch dog, was chasing the horses...DAMN.....a thickening thud sound was heard......and continual whelping of a dog that was kicked by a horse.......obvious broken leg,hip.....internal injuries...????I remember yelling, actually screaming...just sick with the sound of a living being in distress......still makes me sick....will keep you posted on what has happened......just wanted to scoop up that young dog....and take him home...but alas will let his parents take care of this..... Dave Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Queeniemary Posted February 5, 2012 Report Share Posted February 5, 2012 Dave, sorry it was such a stressful day for you. You have tough decisions to make, and you have to what is best for you. Such a shame $ has to be so important, but it is....we cannot seem to do without it. I will pray that you find a way to use your nursing talents in a way that is not so stressful for you. I so admire people in the nursing field, such compassion and dedication. BUT you are right, $ should not be allowed to affect your health, and I will be pulling for you to find the right answer for yourself. Mary (Queeniemary) in Arkansas Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dave s Posted February 6, 2012 Author Report Share Posted February 6, 2012 Hey was a nice day here.....did my thing got some more hens,they are actually very pretty. So maybe a new business venture " Dave's Eggs " actually just kidding they are alot of work, just look forward to some eggs. Think I am suffering from widowers brain now, given the fact that I seem to continue to buy roosters instead of hens. I recently bought a semi new set of a washer and dryer, at an estate sale....the only problem.....I bought a gas dryer, instead of an electric....never thought to look, no one uses gas dryers out here, and my house doesnt have gas, just electric........felt like a fool for not checking...the good news is the man running the estate sale wants to give me my $ back.....and the washer to this set works great! It actually is funny to me in many ways....and yet question my judgement on other things.... In some ways at approaching 9 months...I feel good about what I have accomplished and my plans for the future...but alas cant seem to escape tragedy.......for an extended period of time. As I just finished a dinner, that I was shocked it was so good, from leftovers from the freezer..turkey and brocolli soup...man it was so good! Sirens came up to the house, my dearest friend Ed was here yelling for me to come to the front of the house....the neighbor Billie, had another probable stroke...Have been counting my lucky stars, that I have met these people, for you see the first day I moved into this house, I had to go to work...alas my dogs escaped from the pen, instead of them calling the dog catcher....an older frail couple coaxed these dogs into there yard...and locked them up for me.....a priceless gift!!! When I saw, what had happened with the sirens...I sprinted to their home.....brushing up against cactus spines..ouch!!!...but I was there for people that have touched my life, genuinely kind people.. i was there to bark orders at the fire department....but didnt have to, they did a great job!!!!!.........but boy I was ready to be the pit bull, to handle everything...as I did for Mike.... It seems so surreal to me that...in less than 1 yr have had to deal with the loss, of someone that I loved, more than my own life.....attempt to rebuild....deal with Dad's stuff, which he is doing great with!! Deal with my ill animals, deal with the fact...that I must look at another career path....and deal witht he fact that...that someone, who has shown me great kindness........is suffering too!! WOW a heavy load.....Dave Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mfh Posted February 6, 2012 Report Share Posted February 6, 2012 David, when you list all those it is clearly overwhelming. You have gone through this with grace under fire...that is honorable. Peace Mary Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dave s Posted February 6, 2012 Author Report Share Posted February 6, 2012 Mary Thanks for your input!!!!.....have never thought about it in....the fact of grace under fire.....a light bulb has been turned on....for me, for a....second.......Thanks! Dave Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted February 7, 2012 Report Share Posted February 7, 2012 Dave, I've applied for a job working 3 days a week, it pays $6/hr less than my current job but if I incorporated the two jobs together I think I could stay in my home, although nothing for extras. I'm hoping I get it as it's local and I'd only have to commute two days a week, I'd be putting in longer hours but without the commute, it'd be about the same length of time and less wear and tear on my car. Keeping my fingers crossed... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mfh Posted February 7, 2012 Report Share Posted February 7, 2012 Kay, I truly hope you get this job....the money is less important than saving your house and it sounds like that can work if you live tight. No commute is great and saves gas as well as wear and tear on tires etc. Do let us all know. You deserve the best...and you certainly deserve to keep your house. Mary Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dave s Posted February 8, 2012 Author Report Share Posted February 8, 2012 Kay, sure hope you get this job! Sure would be so nice to be close to home, even for less $.....and the car wear and tear sure ads up!! Have had an extreme 24 hrs here....has put so much in perspective....not somethng I would wish others go through......but it made up my mine on somethings I have been mulling over, made me appreciate people of all walks of life and made me appreciate who I have become....in a sense...will fill you all in later....as i digest this.....Dave Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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