When Does It Get Easier?

[ksbeachbum]

Good morning all:

I am approaching 10 months since my spouse left this earthly place and I am still wondering if this is how my life will be. I made a promise to myself that I would not make any major decisions, changes, etc. in my life for one year... as I know that grief can cloud some judgements. I feel like I am stuck between two worlds, my past life that I loved so much and the forward button of what my new life could/would be, knowing that I need to move forward but scared, fearful and really don't want to. My mother in law said we will all grieve for one year then we MUST move forward with our lives. Is it really that easy? I continue to feel lonely, (although I have had offers of companionship, etc.) just not interested in the way others want. As I have stated before, I have had the best so anything/anyone will be second. I've done the counseling and I guess getting used to the new norm as much as I don't like it but what do I do with it? I still have not found a purpose for my life. I retired 2 years ago, 10 days later my spouse diagnosed with cancer. So... now no caregiving and no job. We worked so work together to obtain a house north and one in Florida where I now am, which now is moot, since he is not here to enjoy what we worked so hard for. It is hard to maintain or find a job when I have divided times between the two. By the way... I am young at this, only 55. What should I be doing? Any suggestions or advise out there. Because I have no clues and not getting any insight from any higher powers as to what my life should look like.My head says move forward and my heart says no. HELP!

Blessings

Becky

[kayc]

Oh Becky, I wish I had an answer. Some seem to move forward so easily, but not most. It's been nearly seven years and I still don't know my purpose. I just try to get through the day and that's enough to deal with. I'm working two days a week plus have church on Sunday. The rest of the days stretch out endlessly. It gets lonely but not as much as it used to. Some cultures give a year to mourn and then they're done. I would say it takes two to three years to process it. Give yourself time, ten months isn't enough. At least you're retired and have some options...I wish I could be retired instead of trying to get jobs that don't exist and won't hire me and worrying about how I'm going to survive, it's very stressful.

Have you thought of volunteering your time? ICUs could use people to hold babies, animal shelters could use dog walkers, Food Banks can use help, etc. Usually your local newspaper has a list of volunteer positions available in the community.

[mfh]

Dear Becky

You are facing the same issue we all face. Your mother-in-law, I fear, has gotten trapped in society's unhealthy way of handling grief with her rule of MUST move on after one year. One year is barely time to catch your breath and come out of the fog for most. Society has a very unhealthy way of dealing with grief in general and your mother-in-law has bought into that as do most because we do not educate people about grief. Your answer is in your heart. I hear (in your words) your heart telling you that you are not ready to move forward....whatever that might mean. Frankly, for me, moving forward means getting up each day, taking care of myself and Bentley, our dog; having lunch with friends; attending a few events in town with people I like; reading, painting, doing my publication. I AM moving forward. Your heart will tell you what to do but sometimes we have to give it some help....by getting out there a bit like volunteering as Kay said....so that the days do not drag on and on and so you have some place to put your mind and heart for a while. No one else can "should" you. It will be 2 years since Bill died (March 27) and I am choosing to live day by day by day. I keep busy with my small monthly publication that I do and sometimes barely deal well with that. Ask advertisers whose ads (rare but it has happened) never made it to print. I almost gave it up but I plowed through it and it gave me a purpose that is not super fulfilling but helps a lot and puts me in touch with others. It is more volunteer work than anything since I reap very little financially on it....a few thousand a year that help me financially.

Maybe your purpose is to take time for this transition. We don't do much of that in our culture. We don't mull or ponder or simmer enough. Maybe you will sell one of those houses, settle into one place and take on a job or get seriously involved in a cause... IN TIME; maybe you won't sell a house but you can still get seriously involved in a cause if you choose...one north and one south. I believe if that is in your future, the cause will reveal itself....In the meantime, I like Kay's suggestion to get involved in other people's lives with volunteer work....there are so many places that need help...food pantries, holding babies, on and on. United Way can direct you to the places in both areas where you live. If nothing else, volunteer work distracts you. I count on distraction these days because everything is so empty.

This is a book that Marty recommended a while back and I find this and a couple others of his books very very helpful. The Way Of Transition: Embracing Life's Most Difficult Moments by William Bridges. Amazon has them all.

I hear your pain. I feel my own version of it. I have no clue what my purpose is except what I am doing right now....None of the ideas I get for a long time purpose hold water right now...I am not there yet. Not sure when I ever will be. I am just trying to "be where I am planted", be present, do my best each day, reach out to others in pain...and yes, it is pretty empty but it is all I have right now. I hope some of these thoughts are helpful to you. I am far from having answers for me or anyone. Listen to your heart....do what feels good one day at a time, perhaps.

Peace

Mary

[Salley]

Good Morning Becky and All,

This is the same thing I have been thinking about. My husband died almost 9 months ago and I seem to be in limbo. I have read 12 books relating to grief, and a few books written by authors who have also experienced losing their spouses, so I know a bit about what to expect. I am waiting for my heart to heal, and until it heals, I can't move forward to figure out who I am and what I want to do with my life. So I am waiting... and reading...and trying to make this a positive experience...not working yet.

I don't believe that we MUST move forward after one year. We can't move forward until we are ready. I can't even think about my purpose in life, while I still cry so readily every day. I hurt too much to think clearly about the future. I too am retired and am blessed to have the time and means to sit tight and figure things out. I am not rushing myself. This is my winter of contemplation and I am taking advantage of it. I feel like a sloth but that is okay. I struggle to be kind to myself. I try to accomplish only one thing each day: clean the kitchen, do one load of laundry, read some...I keep the tasks small and doable.

I don't know where I am going and I am starting to get anxious about that.

Listen to your heart.

Is there anyone else in this limbo state, and is this normal? I don't remember reading about the time between healing and moving on.

Beth

[ksbeachbum]

Kay and Mary

I appreciate your insight so much on this board. It is helpful and most importantly full of compassion and empathy. Maybe I have overlooked my purpose, as it might be right in front of me. I worked for the judicial system for 32 years. On the side, I have completed child custody evaluations/investigations/home studies for attorneys and judges as ordered. Trained many years ago. These are reports to assist the court in making determinations on child custody cases. They are very complex and right now I have three of them on my plate and the money is good, a bonus. I have been fortunate enough that I completed the interviews in KS and am working on the reports to the Court while I am in Florida. Maybe that is my calling for the rest of my life. The Judges and attorneys in my small town in KS are making sure they are coming my way. My neighbor in KS. is the City librarian and I am going to see if I can do some volunteer work at the libarary when I get back north in April. That seems fairly safe and non emotional for now. I really don't want to tie myself down with a full time job as I just don't think I can do it right now. My sister in law is four doors away from me in Florida and she seems to keep me upbeat most of the time and we are extremely close, plus the sun and warmth have been so therapeutic for me for the winter months. I know that I would be in a dark place had I stayed in KS this winter.

On a side note, my husband wanted to take a helicopter ride the last week of his life. I told him that we would if he got to feeling better. He never did. He was also an avid golfer. So... last week I took some of his remains and took him on his helicopter ride. The pilot desended over one of the finest golf courses on Disney property and I scattered some of him. A helicopter ride and golf! I felt very good about this decision. I believed he would of been pleased.

Thanks again for your friendship and input. It means a lot to me.

Blessings

Becky

[MartyT]

Oh Becky, what a wonderful way to honor your beloved with that last helicopter ride over a golf course! And the part-time work you're doing sounds perfect for you right now. It seems to me as if you're doing just fine with where you are in your own grief journey.

For Salley and others reading this, in addition to the wise words that Kay and Mary have shared, I hope you'll find this material helpful:

Grief After the One Year Mark

Transitions: How to Recapture 'The Drive'

Healing Grief through the Gift of Volunteering

[mfh]

Becky, this sounds perfect. I worked in residential treatment several years ago. I guess sometimes our answers are right under our noses. When you say you will do the reports the rest of your life...maybe that is biting off a lot...maybe you will do it for now until you don't do it.

The helicopter ride sounds like it was such a meaningful thing to do. Good for you. You are blessed to have your close friendship with your sister in law also.

It will all work itself out I guess....in the meantime, I am just doing what I do, trying to be in the present moment and follow what is left of my heart.

Salley, I am not sure what moving on means aside from what I posted a few minutes ago. At first i thought I needed some grandiose plan but no plan revealed itself. Now I am just doing my life, pulling back from the world out there on a very regular basis so that I can find my footing in time.

Mary

[Salley]

Oh Becky, what a wonderful way to honor your beloved with that last helicopter ride over a golf course! And the part-time work you're doing sounds perfect for you right now. It seems to me as if you're doing just fine with where you are in your own grief journey.

For Salley and others reading this, in addition to the wise words that Kay and Mary have shared, I hope you'll find this material helpful:

Grief After the One Year Mark

Transitions: How to Recapture 'The Drive'

Healing Grief through the Gift of Volunteering

Thank you Marty for the lists of these books. I really appreciate it!

Beth

[ksbeachbum]

Thank you Marty. I will be checking them out.

Becky

[mfh]

Ditto...my library continues to grow...thank you. Mary

[kayc]

Becky,

It sounds like you are making great decisions! It is good to have something part time to do, esp. if it's flexible hours and doesn't sap you completely but helps you feel worthwhile. You have so much you can contribute to the world!

I'm glad you have your sister-in-law close by, that helps!

Marty, thank you for the wonderful suggestions. I still don't know that I have purpose in life other than taking care of my pets and being there for my friends, but maybe it just doesn't feel like purpose compared to my life with George...I definitely felt I had purpose with him, I was his world! I think just making it through the day is a lot...

[MartyT]

Kay, my dear, with all you have to manage, and with the limited resources you have at your disposal, I think taking care of yourself and your pets and "being there" for your friends is quite enough purpose for you to handle right now ~ and I agree completely that just making it through the day is a lot! ♥

[dave s]

Becky, so glad you were able to take the helicopter ride and over the golf course, wonderfull thing you were able to do. The question of finding purpose in life......is a hard one, as I struggle at times with my new identity, but am feeling alot more comfortable in my new role as awkward clumsy Dave, almost feel like a toddler, falling down alot.....and yet finding a way to get up again.....

Today is the 9 month anniversary of Mikes death......this anniversary seems just like another day, for I have been busy taking care of some UNEXPECTED legal concerns that presented themselves this week, after a visit with a lawyer and retaining him to handle all of it, for I really feel that I can handle no more stress in my life, I feel better, and yet tired.....think I will take a nap, as a toddler......Dave

[mfh]

Kay, your post made me a bit envious as I continue to struggle with over scheduling myself, then I cut too far back and then I over schedule again. It is like walking a tight rope. I keep my mornings to myself every single day until noon unless it is something like a doctor appointment. I get pretty rigid about that....but I tend to say yes to people who want to "do lunch" or go somewhere when I really mean no. This started when Bill died and I got fearful that I would be alone, left out, forgotten. These are people I really do not care to spend time with...I have my circle of friends and can easily say no to them when I need "me" time.....

Your post was a good reminder as I really crave more time to read, paint, meditate....and above all, I do NOT want to run from my main mission which is to be true to myself, do my grief work, and live mindfully. I am working on a really neat painting right now and just got home from my paint circle..which I do like (7 women who are water-colorists-I am the new kid on the block) and now I want to go out and continue working on this. I will share it when it is done. I have worked on it for a month.

Carry on...you are being true to YOU...(I have to stop writing as Bentley has been alone all evening and just brought his favorite toy....a filthy sock that was Bill's...he wants to play "sock". I hate to wash this sock as he probably smells Bill on it.) To him I say YES.

Peace...I admire how you handle all this and the input you share. You help a lot of folks here.

Mary

[Susie Q]

A meaningful purpose in life now - that's the big question that we all seem to be grappling with. Just knowing that all you capable and articulate people feel the same way, helps takes the stress for me out of trying to find the answer today.

At two and a half years without my husband, I probably appear to everyone else now like I'm doing really well. I don't cry in front of them anymore, I say yes when social things come up and I can participate in the range of activities that used to fill my life before. What they don't see is that I smile not laugh, that I have good days but never great ones, that I feel like I'm on a never ending timeline of just doing - without ever feeling like I'm achieving anything important anymore.

Then again - I am smiling, having good days and doing stuff. So that's 'moving forward' and they are things that I never thought I'd do again,so perhaps hope is the best thing with which to medicate myself.

We always had a plan and we worked together to get what we wanted from life. I decided at about six months when I started to be able to think again a little, that I would try to put additional goals in place every 6 months. It's what he would be telling me to do.

Here is how my cumulative 6 month goals have gone so far:

6 -12 months without him: Survive each day, go back to work DONE

12-18 months without him: Participate in activities that I/we once enjoyed esp family events DONE

18-24 months without him: Get more exercise by attending the gym, retire from work DONE

24-30 months without him: Focus on diet and personal fitness, holiday with friends DONE

30-36 months without him: Decide on future living arrangements (apartment vs smaller house etc) IN PROGRESS

It sounds mechanical and some days it was just about getting up and having another go - believe me there have been lots of blood sweat and tears behind achieving every goal. But it's uplifting to see that I have actually achieved heaps and have moved from a shocked and devastated state to being at least somewhat in control.

I'll definitely check out Marty's articles - they are all headings that I have wanted to Google!!

A long answer, but I guess what I wanted to say is that, over time, the real us will probably re-emerge in some shape - changed but at least OK...Susie Q

[ksbeachbum]

Suzie Q;

What a great idea... actually writing out your goals. At least you can see that you are being productive and moving forward. I think that is something I did to do. As an administrator my entire career, I am a very goal oriented person. I to am working on some of the same ones you identified... but writing them down and checking them off is huge. Thanks.

Blessings

becky

[Cheryl]

Becky,

I want to asure you that it can continue to get easier. There is recovery from grief. Recovery from grief does not mean that we feel the same as we once did married. But it can mean that we find new strength and positive changes in ourselves. Look at all the people in the world who have overcome tremendous hardship and not only survived but excelled. Our identities were tied to loving and caring for our spouses and now we are left feeling incomplete. I am finding that after two and half yrs I am begining to figure out who I am and who I want to become. I realize that my husbands death has enabled me to understand myself and life in a way that never would have happened if he were still alive. I am becoming more confident, understanding and at peace. The raging pain and horror of our loss as a family is giving way to new beginings and small victories. Before Mark died I never thought about going out with girl friends or working out at the gym or getting my nails done. Each time I force myself to do something with just me in mind I find a bit of myself. Sometimes the things I do don't work out and I don't do them anymore, but I keep searching for new things that make me feel better. I say better instead of happy because better is all I have been able to feel. But better is so much nicer that the screaming in my head that I felt for the first year and nicer than the fear I felt the second year not knowing who I was anymore.

I feel that recovering from grief is a choice. It takes time, patience and perseverence. Backwards, forwards, backwards forwards. A spiral staircase, going up and down. A wave pounding the shores. The descriptions of our loss and the emotion and pain can be described in many ways. Thirty months of being alone seems like an eternity but when I step back and see where I have come from to where I am now I know that it's possible to recover from this. Reading your posts I see your progress and it's huge! At ten months I think I was still curled up in a ball on the floor and screaming in the shower!

I have this quote by my computer. "When we are drawn away from ourselves too much we tend to loose ground". I have started yoga and meditation to try and keep myself focused on relaxing and thinking about what I want from my life. I have started working out on the machines in the gym to get rid of the excess energy. I am going to church again and volunteering again. I'm refering to what I'm doing because just reading about grief and understanding about grief isn't going to heal us. At some point when the pain is more tolerable we begin to take baby steps back into the world. Only we can decide when we are ready to begin. There are periods of time where I find I need to just rest myself and stay where I am and then I begin to take those steps again. It can seem agonizingly slow! We are the only ones who can fix ourselves. We can't fix our spouses death. But we can make choices that help us to heal.

Take care and I pray for continued peace for all of us, Cheryl

[kayc]

Cheryl,

VERY wise words! I want to print this out as a reminder to myself. You are so right, just understanding about grief doesn't heal ourselves. I tend to not give myself credit for the things I've survived and some of the hard decisions I've made, and just plain survival in general. I'm getting that we are responsible for our own happiness and lives, and it IS a choice.

[Dwaynecg]

Dear Becky,

I have not been on for so long, and when I read this thread it just tugged at my heart. It hurts me to hear you in pain, not knowing from day to day what to do. This is quite normal for someone that has lost a very deep loved one like you and I and many others on here have.

I enjoyed reading about taking your helicopter ride and scattering the ashes over the golf course. That in it self was a very big Sept towards healing. You have my numbers PLEASE call anytime, you need to.

I have been doing fine, I still have that drive and burning blaze inside me. I have been doing well in school 3 courses and not one of the under a 97% final average. My last one was a 99% final average. Now Monday, I start a new course, but I have to study all the time, late at night and up at 4 to study before school, so that is why I haven't been on to much.

Becky, everything will be ok, it takes time, and, as we all know, grief has its own time limit for each and everyone of us. On February 25 is Pauline's 1 year date of her passing, I have already made plans with some friend for the day. I hope you can find great peace and comfort in your life, like I have found in mine, mostly by helping others in need. I get 10 fold back when I help someone who needs my help. I miss not being on here more and the interaction with everyone.

God Bless, my Dear Friend Becky

Love Dwayne

[widower]

First just want to say great replies here all. Props to you! My .02 FWIW:

I feel like I am stuck between two worlds, my past life that I loved so much and the forward button of what my new life could/would be, knowing that I need to move forward but scared, fearful and really don't want to.

That is perfectly normal; if nothing else pls remember that whatever and however you need to get through this is OK; it's different for everyone and there IS NO "THE" way to go about it.

My mother in law said we will all grieve for one year then we MUST move forward with our lives. Is it really that easy?

Of course not, and no offense to her but frankly that is a poor attitude/response to give. A year is, at best, a vague marker at which point some - but by no means all - people START to really come to grips and "move on." Some do it sooner, some later. Again go with what works for you, and remember this is not a math class. There is no magical date or timeframe at which suddenly a switch flips and you should feel this or that way.

I continue to feel lonely, (although I have had offers of companionship, etc.) just not interested in the way others want. As I have stated before, I have had the best so anything/anyone will be second. I've done the counseling and I guess getting used to the new norm as much as I don't like it but what do I do with it? I still have not found a purpose for my life. I retired 2 years ago, 10 days later my spouse diagnosed with cancer. So... now no caregiving and no job. We worked so work together to obtain a house north and one in Florida where I now am, which now is moot, since he is not here to enjoy what we worked so hard for. It is hard to maintain or find a job when I have divided times between the two.

Again your feelings are perfectly normal and understandable. On the houses, this is ONLY my opinion so consider or disregard as you see it, but I suggest seriously considering selling one or the other, for reasons that should be pretty obvious, for ex the job search but also trying to figure out where "your life" is going to take place. And taking care of even one house more or less by yourself is hard - two? I can't imagine.

By the way... I am young at this, only 55. What should I be doing? Any suggestions or advise out there. Because I have no clues and not getting any insight from any higher powers as to what my life should look like.My head says move forward and my heart says no.

Well I hope you didn't expect God to come down in a flash of light and say "do this."

I think part of the problem with something like this (I am going through similar btw) - "moving on" can sound or feel to us like we're leaving our loved one behind. But we're not! In fact, it's THEY who have "moved on," so in a way, getting on with your life if anything seems to me to be "catching up" with your loved one - again they are moving on to a different way of existance, so you should do the same, and remember that doesn't mean they aren't still with you, just in a different way. And you still travel it together, in a way. Just not as directly.

PS I loved the helicopter ride too. Great idea. I wish you well!