melina Posted February 17, 2012 Report Share Posted February 17, 2012 I've been reading a book about introverts, and I started to wonder if grief might be even more of a challenge for introverts than extroverts. If you're naturally social, it may be easier to reach out to people, get out to social gatherings, engage in life "out there". For those of us who have never been very interested in being around a lot of people - but have been happy just being at home with another introvert (in my case, my husband and soulmate), life becomes so silent when you lose that one person you wanted to be with. Everyone keeps telling me to get out there and "be social". But that's never been me. That would take massive amounts of energy and I wouldn't even enjoy it. Of course, I don't enjoy shuffling around in this empty house either. Does this mean I have to change my entire personality in order to stop feeling so lonely? I can't imagine ever finding anyone else who "fits" with me the way my husband did. I can't seem to get the energy to drag myself to various activities. I don't feel like talking to anyone if I don't have to. It's gotten to the point now where I don't see much point in the rest of my life. When I'm not working or walking the dog, I'm reading near death experience accounts. I don't feel like I'm living - just waiting around. I don't expect solutions, but if anyone else here is a staunch introvert like myself - I'd like to hear how you're dealing with the loneliness. I had hoped to be more or less over my grief at 1 1/2 years, but here I am still in pain. Maybe I'm making myself depressed. But how to get out? I have no idea. Melina Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Anne E Posted February 17, 2012 Report Share Posted February 17, 2012 Melina, Grief is individual. There is no "how to" book or timeline. We each have to work our way out of our grief. My journey, will never be your journey, nor will yours be mine. I am an extrovert, my husband was an introvert. We were the happiest together. Being without him is difficult. However, being with a bunch of people is not an answer either for me, the extrovert. Most of the time, I don't feel like being social! It is not much fun without Dick. When other people who have not suffered MY loss tell me how to cope, I find is very annoying. I wonder why people won't just let me blunder my way through to my new normal. In the grand scheme of things, 18 months is not all that long. You are still hurting, raw and overwhelmed. Take your time, stop worrying about how you are not "measuring up" to others expectations. Just try to deal with things one at a time, one day at a time. A member of the Hospice Women's Grief Group I attend told me not shut myself away from joy. Every day, I look for joy in something. At first, it was a JOB!!!! I forced myself to find something joyful and write it on my calendar. (Usually it was something silly or wonderful that one of the dogs did, or a beautiful flower, etc.) I think trying to develop the expectation of joy has been good for me. Dick has been gone 4 years this month. Lots and lots of days are OK now, but I still have days of misery. It's part of the journey. Be kind to yourself. Anne Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
hendrixx2 Posted February 17, 2012 Report Share Posted February 17, 2012 hi melina, I too blieve I am of the introvert ilk; most of my time was spent with dw at home throughout our 40yrs together. We did our share of socializing and going to various functions, but basically it was she and I. We came to like certain common things and loved doing them together. My life also has taken on a definite 'silence' and it is a roaring silence. I agree with you, how do we get out there when that has not been a big part of our lives or part of our natural makeup? Do we have to change to that extent to survive this loss? I don't know. The loneliness you speak of is overwhelming for our types and I know it well, I too shuffle through the house and am aware of the presence of absence. 3-1/2 months ago this all came upon me and I understand that it is still early, but even so, I can see that if I don't try to find some other ways to live, this life will become a session of 'just waiting' and I really don't want that. I don't think dw would want that for me either. I have attempted to refocus on the personal things I enjoy and have opened myself to other interests. Not so much 'going out' to mix and being social, but trying to find other things I might like to concentrate on. I am not so sure that I can change my personality, actually I am trying to find and understand just what 'my' personality is without my partner; I am sure it's there, just buried under the layers of my life with her. There was a 'me' before I met dw, not a fully developed me, and surely not the me I am now, I think I have to try and embrace that me and blend it with the person I became as a result of living and loving dw. As i say, I don't know the answer, I am just using this as a starting point in an effort to live forward. wishing peace healing to you, Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mfh Posted February 18, 2012 Report Share Posted February 18, 2012 I got confused and put the response to this in with another one on the topic Feeling Sorry for Myself. Metteline, I am sorry about the surgery. If i was in Norway I would drive you, sit with you, drive you home and make you soup. When is the surgery? Is it arthroscopic or the whole works? I find times of sickness particularly painful, lonely and difficult without Bill to hold my hand and bring me tea. I am so sorry. Mary Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted February 18, 2012 Report Share Posted February 18, 2012 I don't know the answer to that, I like a mixture of being with people and being solitary. I do tend to hole up too much but where I live adds to that, I'm out in the country and gas is too expensive to get out too much right now. If money were no option I would probably get out more. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
melina Posted February 18, 2012 Author Report Share Posted February 18, 2012 Thanks guys, Anne: I admire your ability to find joy each day. I wish that came easy to me. I keep hoping that I can find something to feel joyful about - because that might be a sign that my grief is easing up. Hendrixx: I understand so well that roaring silence. And I agree that part of our struggle is to find our identity. Not just the new identity - but who we really were all along. I suppose when you are part of a close couple over a long period of time, your identity becomes intertwined with theirs. Now and then I find myself thinking - "is this something we believed and wanted, or just my husband? Or just me? How did he really feel about things - and how did I feel?" Who knows. For a long time we were thinking as one, I guess. This sounds complicated, I know. Kay: I know you've been struggling financially and not being able to work must be very difficult. I can see the problem of wanting to stay in the house you love, but not being able to get out there and participate in life outside the home. Mary: I went back and read your post on "Feeling sorry for myself". I can see why you confused the two. After all, I am also feeling sorry for myself. My surgery involved just cutting away some of the torn meniscus and removing a cyst behind the knee. It's an easy operation, but I won't be able to walk for a few days. Guess I'd better stock up on food. The dog will just have to walk herself out in the yard. I took your advice and ordered a book called "Introvert Power". Was that the one you were talking about? I do wish the author had included a chapter on grief and loss. That's what got me thinking about how we introverts manage when the few people we included in our lives disappear. It's always been hard for me to make friends. And I never had many boyfriends - because it was so much work to offer all that time to one person. But when I met Thyge, there was no work at all. He just sort of melted into my life. It was so natural. I can't see that happening again. Ever. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mfh Posted February 18, 2012 Report Share Posted February 18, 2012 Dear Metteline, Yes, that book is one of the two I am reading on introversion. I like them because I find myself in those two books. I suspect the author of Introvert Power wishes she had written a chapter on grief also. I emailed her and her response hinted at that. You said you are feeling sorry for yourself and that phrase has such a negative connotation. You are grieving, my friend, and you have a right to your sorrow and pain...we all do. A friend lost her husband 20 years ago and never grieved. At the time she had her own business, had taken care of him for 9 years, had 4 teen agers.....she just went on. That pain is NOW surfacing. I think part of it because she watches me, reaches out to me and now hers is rising up with a vengeance. I do not want that to happen to me. I want to do this work now. i know in 20 years I will still hurt but I don't want to walk away from the now of my grief...as if i could. "friend grief" or the sneaky annoying hurtful salesman as I also believe he is....will not go away. When is your surgery? Mary Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Queeniemary Posted February 18, 2012 Report Share Posted February 18, 2012 Melina, I never thought very much about introvert or extrovert, but I know that I don't like big parties, would rather stay home and read. I am very content by myself most of the time, especially if I have new books. I find it hard to meet new people. That is why getting involved in community theatre in my 30s was such a wonderful thing for me. It brought me out of a shell, and I found something that I really loved doing. Most of my closest friends are through the theatre group, people that I would not have ever known otherwise. I love being on stage playing a role, love directing plays, but hate auditioning. Because auditioning you are up there alone, usually, cold reading, and I don't do that so well. I would say that if I had not gotten involved in theatre I would be alone most of the time except for family. I put off even going to the grocery store or Wal-Mart until I absolutely have to do so. So probably at least, a partial introvert..... I do understand Melina, about taking lots of energy to get out there and be "social". We had a NYE party at a friend's house, small group, including my daughter and her husband, but I could not wait until midnight came, so I could go home. Not a lot of joy in the evening. Probably because I was remembering the NYE party at that same house 3 years previously when my husband Mike and my friend's husband Morris were both still alive. Was the best party ever. Don't have much advice on combating loneliness....I read a lot, take care of the dogs. I still am involved in the theatre group and the arts council, although I have pulled back a little from both. Watch movies more than I used to. I make it good through most days, it is the evenings and nights that seem to defeat me. I am going to try Anne's finding one joy per day, maybe if I look for things to find joy in, it will give me a more positive attitute. Mary (Queeniemary) in Arkansas Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Salley Posted February 18, 2012 Report Share Posted February 18, 2012 Dear Melina, This is a very interesting concept that I have not considered before. According to the Myers-Briggs test, I am an off the chart introvert. Many years ago I read the book "Please Understand Me; Character and Temperment Types" by David Keirsey and Marilyn Bates. http://www.amazon.com/Please-Understand-Me-Character-Temperament/dp/0960695400/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1329573935&sr=8-1 I think I will read this book again. Has anyone read this book and have any comment on it? Beth Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mfh Posted February 18, 2012 Report Share Posted February 18, 2012 Hi Beth I read that years ago when we administered the MB test. If you know you are an introvert (guided from within etc. ) you might find the other two books Introvert Power and the other is Quiet really helpful. I find myself on every page of those. Not grief books by any means but helps explain why 30-57% of the population find it difficult to act like extroverts or withdraw or whatever in between. Mary Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Salley Posted February 18, 2012 Report Share Posted February 18, 2012 Thank you Mary. I just down loaded Introvert Power onto my kindle for $1.99!! I am open to read anything that gives me insights. It is all part of trying to make this grief process into something positive. Beth Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mfh Posted February 18, 2012 Report Share Posted February 18, 2012 I think you will see yourself in it I got it on kindle also. Mary Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Anne E Posted February 18, 2012 Report Share Posted February 18, 2012 Melina, Finding joy has not come easy to me. My loss is almost 4 years old. I have struggled with grief and depression. I think, because I forced myself every single day, to look for some joy and write it on my calendar, I have developed a habit that is actually good for me. There are still days that challenge me to find something. I did not mean to give the impression that joy is easily found. Anne Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
melina Posted February 19, 2012 Author Report Share Posted February 19, 2012 Anne, Maybe I'll give that a try. Each day making an effort to find something - maybe not exactly joyful - but positive. And write it down on a calendar. I have an Audubon World calendar over my desk in the kitchen - a country for each month with little photos for each day. I'll try to write something in the empty space every day. If nothing else, at least it will look like I have a life. Can't think of anything positive today, apart from having brought out my sewing machine again. It's been in the cupboard for six months. Melina Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mfh Posted February 19, 2012 Report Share Posted February 19, 2012 Melina I think getting the sewing out is great. I think it starts that way. Today I could spend a few minutes cleaning brushes. I could not paint. Put it on the calendar. Mary Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Anne E Posted February 19, 2012 Report Share Posted February 19, 2012 Melina, I think getting the sewing machine out is a totally positive thing. You don't have to sew, just getting the machine out takes lots of effort and in my book would qualify as positive. I have to work my way to joyful. I started with something positive, even if it was that I took a shower! Little steps! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
HAP Posted February 19, 2012 Report Share Posted February 19, 2012 Dear Melina, I think grief makes introverts of us all. I enjoyed being out with people when Jane was with me. Now socializing has become a chore--a necessary evil for what I need and want to do. Pax et lux, Harry Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mfh Posted February 19, 2012 Report Share Posted February 19, 2012 I just went to a neat presentation a friend of mine gave. She spends half the year as a ranger in Alaska way out in the wilderness. I was late, sat in back and saw that the audience about 65 people were mostly folks I know. I left when folks were clapping as I could not deal with socializing. Now hate pretty much llarge gatherings but I never left one to avoid small talk...not until these days of grief. Mary Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted February 19, 2012 Report Share Posted February 19, 2012 Mary, are you avoiding answering people who ask how you are? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
marsha Posted February 19, 2012 Report Share Posted February 19, 2012 I do this, Kay, I think. And Melina, yes, I get this. I used to be an extrovert - as I've gotten older, I just can't take either crowds, and only so much of small talk, which sounds like Charlie Browns' wawawa to me half the time, lol. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Salley Posted February 19, 2012 Report Share Posted February 19, 2012 Hey Melina, I dusted off my sewing machine about two weeks ago. I have been folding and patting material and thumbing through patterns for several months now, but nothing was clicking. I started a hooded shirt last week. I found I had to force myself to sit down and work on it and it took me one week to finish a project that should have taken one day. Today I started to cut out a blouse and think this project will be easier to finish. I really feel I have wasted a lot of time in the past year and I feel better if I have something to show for my time. I love to sew. Beth Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mfh Posted February 20, 2012 Report Share Posted February 20, 2012 Mary, are you avoiding answering people who ask how you are? Hi Kay I seldom avoid people who ask how I am because most people seldom ask. I would not avoid anyone who asks If I know they mean it and will listen with soul. I have a circle of friends who ask and reach out and i love talking to them honestly and always ask them about their lives also. I never avoid them. Then there those who ask and it is rote and not really even connected to My loss...if they ask I give a rote answer and turn the conversation to them - people always like to talk about themselves. I have learned the hard way not to subject myself to empty conversations that leave me feeling badly and pretty much know or intuit who those folks are.. Then there are those who never ask for whatever reasons and I do not bring it up. I think that covers it is that what you meant. I am open and honest by nature but have learned to protect myself when I need to. Today I was just feeling sad and did not feel like making small talk or even soul talk in a crowd...so I left. I try to honor my needs and when I can't I try not to dwell on those folks though they still get to me sometimes. A friend was just here for two hours and she WAS someone who was there originally but now our talk is politics, etc. I have a few friends who have slipped into that BUT I have some new friends who really share. Let me know if that is what you are asking. Mary Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mfh Posted February 20, 2012 Report Share Posted February 20, 2012 Beth, good for you....sewing. I doubt any of have wasted time in these grieving days. I think the time that appears to be wasted is healing time, resting time, digesting time, integration time....I.e.grieving time. Not wasted. Well used..IMHO. Peace Mary Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted February 20, 2012 Report Share Posted February 20, 2012 Mary, yes, that is what I meant...there are always those who ask "how are you" but don't really want to hear the true answer. You are wise to just give the rote answer to the rote question and be more real with others who are real. Beth, I am impressed (sewing) as I seem to be lacking motivation lately, I know I'm depressed over my job situation. But yesterday I made nine cards, so that's something anyway. And I cooked yesterday and today, even made a sugar free cherry cheesecake. I don't have a problem doing the things I have to do (housework, laundry, etc.), it's the things I can procrastinate that I tend to do just that. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
melina Posted February 20, 2012 Author Report Share Posted February 20, 2012 Okay - taking up the thread from Anne. Yesterday I found one positive thing - I can't quite call it "joy" - but it was up there on positive experiences: I was walking the dog as usual and decided to take a new path I'd never taken before. I ended up getting lost (that's not the joyful part), but as I was walking, an owl suddenly flapped past me. It landed on a stump nearby and looked at me. I've never seen an owl that close before, and certainly not in the middle of the day in bright sunshine. Then it flew away. There were a couple of other things that weren't so bad either, but this is my "joy" of the day. Melina Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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